The Innocent

by Candice Raquel Lee

  “Of course,” I said, shaking my head. “I still can’t do it. She doesn’t want to have sex. She keeps saying no . . .”

  “Then give her what she wants” Chandraswami told me.

  “It’s too late. I’ve ruined everything.”

  “You didn’t tell her the truth?”

  “No. She would have run from me.”

  “Only with truth can there be understanding, can there be light,” he said, looking at me pityingly.

  I had lied to Alexa and tried to trick her the way Lily had me, the way my father had my mother, though I swore never to be like either of them. My mother had been an anchoress. They said she had forsaken her vows and slept with the devil. How I had hated her in my heart. That was why I wanted to become a knight, to prove I was good. How I hated Lily for exposing my weakness, my sin-tainted blood. But whom could I blame now for my conduct with Alexa? There was no one but myself. I had become like those I detested most.

  “Alexa will never see me again, and she shouldn’t,” I told Chandraswami.

  “Why not?” he asked dismissively. “Her power can only be unleashed through you. She was and is in all respects waiting for you. You are her destined mate.”

  “Me?” I asked again. He nodded. I was her mate? “But what about afterward? I don’t want either of us to be with anyone else.”

  “She won’t. You won’t. If love grows between Nephilim, love, which is the purest energy of all—for it was with love that God created the universe—then they become bound to each other. They change each other. They become more like God than man. They are no longer Nephilim but demigods. They eat only the sweetest nectar—that of Love itself. They are no longer forced to feed on the base energies of the living but feed from one another, becoming halves of a whole, complete.”

  I was incredulous yet full of hope for the first time since my change. I was in love with Alexa. It was true. The gates of my heart burst open. Love, that elevating state, that redeeming emotion, confronted me, made me face the truth. Of course, I was in love.

  If I had thought about it, if I had allowed myself to dream, to admit how deeply my feelings for her were rooted, how quickly they had delved into the waiting soil of my soul and how thoroughly, then I would have known that my want, my desire for her was more like a need, more like love. Love. I was in love.

  This was a dangerous time because I didn’t simply want her. When I first saw her, I recognized that my desire would not be easily satisfied. Now I had to admit that it never would be. She would have to be mine forever.

  “Like a soulmate,” I said, wonderingly.

  Chandraswami smiled, “Like nothing. She is your soulmate. You will be bound eternally to her. You must have loved each other very much in many lives for her come to you like this.”

  Past lives? I couldn’t think of anyone in the past who had ever loved me, but I was glad Alexa was in my life now. It was miraculous! Then I remembered how things were between us. Hope died.

  “She won’t even talk to me.” I hung my head.

  “Go tell her you are sorry. Be honest. Tell her the truth. Buy a nice ring. Become demigods on your wedding night. It is very hot and romantic.” He turned to go.

  “You?” I asked after him.

  He looked back, smiling. I guess that meant “hell yes.” He started away again.

  “So, what do I owe you?” I asked him.

  “Nothing. Come back with your wife. We will have dinner. We will talk about the Tantra. You will be very happy,” he said leaving.

  “Thank you,” I told him and leapt down from the table, feeling like a new man. I quaffed the last of my Alexa drink and pushed back the purple curtain. How did he know what she tasted like? I wondered. I would ask him later, after I was married.

  Married. It seemed impossible that I could be blessed with such a gift; that she could really be mine forever; that I could have something so good, so pure and sacred in my life. She was my redemption. I was walking on air when I got back to the car. I told Lance to get out of my seat and Abe to sit in the back.

  “You look a hundred percent better,” Lance said satisfied.

  “Yeah,” I grinned, sitting down.

  Now my only problem was getting Alexa to talk to me again. My smile faded. Buy a ring, Chandraswami had suggested; say you’re sorry. I didn’t think that would work. It would take a lot more. Still, in a daze and needing help quickly, I gave Lance and Abe the short version. It wasn’t Compulsion, I told them, it was love. We were destined to be together, halves of a whole. We were going to be demigods and live forever on love.

  “You’ve got to help me get her back,” I pleaded.

  I could see Abe glaring at me in the rearview. I turned to Lance. He blinked at me.

  “It’s true. That’s what the doctor told me.” I could feel my eyes swirling with excitement.

  “Maybe you should let me drive.”

  “Screw you!”

  I gripped the steering wheel, started the car and pulled out. They could never understand what I was talking about. The way they had women it was like eating a hamburger or pizza: you filled up, burped and slept. I was in this alone. Okay. Apologize, buy a ring . . . buy a ring. How? I didn’t know her size. She wouldn’t even see me. I couldn’t show up in her room and say, “Hi. You’re a succubus. Will you marry me?” The steering wheel bent a little in my hands.

  I licked my lips, attempting to find an answer on the street in front of me or in the rearview mirror. Okay. How? How? Maybe I should call her. Yes, give her a head’s up, a head start running from me. I’m coming, Alexa, and there she is, going. Damn! I hit the dashboard with my fist, making a dent.

  “What the hell?” Lance shouted.

  “Shut up. I can’t think.”

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “Getting Alexa back.”

  “Dude, she’s not coming back. You know how it is, after the change. They’re off and . . .” He hesitated and Abe filled in.

  “Fucking.”

  “She’s not a succubus yet,” I yelled. “We had a misunderstanding because I listened to you guys. So, you better help me get her back.”

  “All this shit is because she’s mad at you?” Abe shouted.

  “Lance,” I said, ignoring him, “I pushed. She left. How do I make it up to her?”

  “Beg, weep, crawl . . .” he suggested.

  “Holy shit!” Abe shouted, “Are you crazy?”

  “I know that,” I told Lance, “but how do I get to see her. She’s not talking to me.”

  “Stalk her.”

  “How?” I asked.

  “You’re listening to him? Don’t you have any pride?” Abe yelled, leaning forward so his head was between us. “You gon’ to let her make you into a fool? Pussy-whip you?”

  I gave Abe’s face a shove.

  “Hang out in front of her dorm till she comes back. She’s got to come back,” Lance told me.

  “But what if she won’t talk to me?”

  “Oh brother,” Abe groaned.

  “You want to walk home?” I shouted at him.

  Abe folded his arms and sat back.

  “Cristien,” Lance said, “Make her listen. When you’re there, you’ll know what to say.”

  “Oh, I’m gon’ to puke!” Abe moaned.

  “Get out! Get out of my car!” I yelled pulling over onto the sidewalk in front of a building and several shocked pedestrians.

  “I’m kidding, man!” Abe said.

  “I’m not. Get out!”

  “You serious?”

  “You heard me,” I said, turning around and opening his door.

  “You got to be kidding.”

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?” I asked, scowling.

  Abe glanced at Lance, but he turned to look out the window. So, Abe stepped out.

  “I can’t believe you’re gon’ to do this to me over some. . .”

  I sped away.

  “Should I buy her flowers, or do you think that’s
too much?” I asked Lance.

  “No, dude, everything helps. You know what her favorite is?”

  “Hmm,” I thought. I could probably find out from Facebook.

  I spent hours talking to myself, preparing for my meeting with Alexa. My brain was fevered by the time I drove up at three pm sharp to her dorm. A bunch of flowers lay on the seat beside me. It was a nice mix of pink carnations, red roses, and white baby’s breath. The florist said she had to like one of them. I wore a silver silk tie to coordinate with my navy suit. I felt like a fool. I tore the tie off last minute and opened my shirt. I stood and waited.

  I ended up standing for hours. The flowers I bought her were beginning to wilt from the heat of my hands. She was supposed to be coming out of her last class at four-thirty. It was nearly seven. Maybe she had gone to the library, but I was too scared to move because I might miss her completely.

  Where the hell was she? Fear for her began to gnaw at me again. I started pacing. That garnered me strange looks from the guard on duty at the dorm. Before she started dialing the cops, I decided to go sit in my car for a while when Alexa walked up with her arms full of books and groceries. She went by without even seeing me. She looked exhausted, like the world had fallen on her. I wanted to run to her, hold her, make it better, but I was transfixed by fear.

  I had fought in battles, killed men, but I was scared of a little girl because she could really hurt me. The others could have ended my life, but only she could make me want to die. Without glancing up, she headed toward the door of her dorm. I cut her off. She glanced up and saw me. Shock crossed her face. She turned away quickly and hurried to go inside.

  “Alexa?” I called.

  She stopped, looked at me again, then at the flowers I was holding. She looked horrified. Did she think I was here on a date or something?

  “I need to talk to you,” I stammered.

  “About what?” she asked.

  “Can we go somewhere?” I moved closer.

  “No.”

  “Please, Alexa, I only want to talk. I swear.” I saw her wavering, and not to the good side.

  “Cristien,” she began. When she said my name it broke my heart. She didn’t continue, just gave up and looked away from me.

  “Please, Alexa, please listen to me. That’s all I ask.”

  “I . . .” She shook her head, tried to turn away.

  “How about we sit in my car,” I said, moving in front of her, blocking her so she couldn’t escape me. I was too afraid to touch her. Afraid she would get even angrier if I did. I wanted to touch her so badly, so I would know. I would know if she still felt anything for me, but now I was blind.

  “No,” she said emphatically.

  I swallowed and licked my dry lips. “Anywhere you want.”

  Her books shifted in her arms, about to fall. I caught them and took them from her. Now I had hostages. Her eyes flared with anger and defeat.

  “Inside. I’ll give you five minutes, and that’s all,” she told me coldly.

  “Thank you,” I said, following her.

  She led me into a room off the lobby. I had seen the place many times but never gone inside. It had peeling beige paint and couches that looked like someone had gone shopping on the side of the road on heavy day. They were filled with young men and women doing the courting thing. We went all the way to the back far from everyone.

  She sat, put down her grocery bags and opened her hands for her books. I sat next to her, still holding them. She didn’t say anything. She just stared straight ahead. I turned to follow her gaze and saw the clock on the wall. My time was running out, and I didn’t know what to say.

  “Alexa, I’m sorry for what happened. I know I shouldn’t have pushed. I know that. And I’ll never try again, I promise. I’ll do anything, anything you want. Tell me you forgive me.”

  “I forgive you,” she said mechanically. She snatched the books from me and got up.

  “Alexa.” I couldn’t help but grab her arm to stop her.

  “Don’t,” she hissed, twisting it away like something disgusting had touched her. All I had felt was her rage, a wall of it, which I did not know how to get past.

  “For God’s sake, Alexa!” I cried, but she kept going. “You said I had five minutes.”

  She turned back and dropped down on the couch like a marionette whose strings had been cut.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  She glared at me then looked away, her hair swinging to hide her face.

  “I mean it. I do.”

  Her eyes turned from me again to the clock.

  “You’re everything to me,” I put the flowers down next to her, like an offering. “I’ll do anything, anything, only tell me what. Please, give me another chance. Please.”

  She sat unresponsive. I wanted to shake her, but she looked so empty, so brittle, yet so impregnable.

  “Alexa . . .” I was desperate. I didn’t know what more to say, and her eyes flicked to the wall behind me. I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t let her leave me. I had this one chance at eternal happiness. I couldn’t lose it. I couldn’t let it die.

  I left her side and dropped down on my knees before her, to block her way. I put my body in front of her, so she would have to step on me to get past. I put my hands together.

  “Please, Alexa, I’m begging you. Please, please. Please.” I laid my head down on her lap. She would have to push me away, like I was a dog. “I love you. I want to be with you forever. Please, forgive me.”

  She rose. I looked up.

  “Will you marry me?” The words tumbled out of me, though I had no hope.

  She stood speechless. Her surprise gave me new courage.

  “Will you marry me? Will you stay with me forever? Don’t you love me any longer?”

  She stared down at me in horror. I swore she thought I was lying. Then she started sobbing. She dropped her books, covered her face and made a run for it, but I caught her, held her.

  “Alexa?” I grabbed her hands, but I couldn’t take them away from her face. “Alexa, don’t cry. Please don’t. I’m so sorry. I’ll go. I’ll go. Alexa?”

  “Why are you doing this to me?” she sobbed.

  “I love you,” I said, still holding her wrists. She shook her head, but I kept going. She had to believe me. “I can’t live without you. I haven’t eaten. I haven’t slept. Please, Alexa, please look at me.”

  She let me take her hands away from her face. Her cheeks were tear-stained, her grey eyes haunted. I wiped her face, held her head so she could see into my eyes when I said, “I want to marry you. I want to be with you always. Say you feel the same.”

  “Cristien,” she began, but faltered, disbelief still apparent on her face.

  “Yes, Love?”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “I swear I am.”

  “Really?” she asked, searching my face.

  “Of course. I love you,” I said simply, but with all my heart and soul.

  She started to speak but stopped and just stared at me.

  “Don’t you love me?” I asked.

  She sobbed, lowering her head, shutting her eyes. I knew the answer was yes then. I forged ahead.

  “Please, Alexa, no one will ever love you more than I will. I adore you with all my heart and soul. Marry me. Say yes. Make me the happiest creature on earth.”

  She still remained wordless, stunned, searching my countenance. But there was something in her expression, less of pain, more of doubt. I was gaining ground.

  “Cristien, I don’t understand. I don’t,” she said, trying to get away still.

  “There’s nothing to understand.” I held her. “I love you. You love me. We should get married, don’t you think?”

  She blinked rapidly, obviously afraid to voice her answer even though it was in her eyes. I felt it. A surge of joy went through me. She saw it and quickly glanced away, searching for something else to focus on. I didn’t want her to look at anything but me. I squeezed her
hand, brought her attention back.

  “Alexa, marry me.”

  “But,” she began, her gray eyes blinking. I could see excuses forming in them. I was too close to lose now.

  “Alexa, please marry me,” I said, kissing her hands.

  Her mouth opened a little. Her lips trembled.

  “Don’t think. Just say, ‘yes’,” I insisted.

  She hesitated still. All my will was concentrated on getting her to say that one word. “Say yes.”

  “I can’t. I have school…” she said, shaking her head and stepping back. “I can’t do this anymore with you. I have to think about my future. I have to grow up and face reality.”

  “I thought you loved me.” I could feel it. I knew she did.

  “I do,” she said, looking in my eyes. My heart leapt, but then she went on, “but love isn’t enough sometimes.”

  She turned, picked up her books and bags. She walked away. I was losing her. I had failed, but Chandraswami said to ask her to marry me, to give her what she wanted. I thought I was.

  “What more do you want?” I called after her.

  She stopped, turned back, “I wanted a perfect romance.”

  “I can’t undo the past, Alexa. Don’t you think I would if I could? I would take back what happened, to make everything perfect for you, but I can’t.”

  “I know. I know there’s no such thing as perfection,” she sighed. “God didn’t make us perfect. He made us flawed, so we could learn to forgive each other. There will never be a perfect romance because there never have been perfect lovers. Every hero has his flaws to overcome.”

  I stood staring at her, not knowing what was going on or where I stood.

  Her eyes were wide as the next words left her mouth, “I don’t care what my mother wants, what my religion says I should do, not even what logic dictates. I want you to be my B’shert, to love me and never leave me. It’s what I wanted since that first night. It’s what I wished for when I blew out my birthday candles. It’s what the bread showed me. It’s all ever wanted.”