Red Or Dead

by David Peace

  I don’t think there’s any chance of that, love.

  I don’t know, love. I don’t know. I’ve seen it happen to many a man. The minute he stops working. He starts to let himself go. To get idle and to get lazy. The minute he stops working. Because that’s when the danger comes. The temptation to do nothing. To just sit around the house all day. Reading the paper and watching the telly. With his feet up and his guard down. Letting himself go, to rack and to ruin. No, love. No. I have to be on my guard. I have to keep myself fit …

  But will you be back for your lunch, love?

  I’m sorry, love. But I cannot say. I mean, if I’m needed at the ground, if I’m needed at Anfield. Then I’ll have to go. And I want to go, love. I want to help. I don’t want anyone to think I’ve abandoned them now. That I’ve turned my back on Liverpool Football Club. Because if I can help in any way, then I will, love. I must …

  Of course, said Ness. Of course, you must. But you take care now, love. And I’ll see you when I see you then …

  Bill nodded. Bill smiled. Bill kissed Ness on her cheek again. Bill went into the hall. Bill picked up his kit bag and the plastic bag. Bill went out of the front door. Bill went down the drive. Bill got into the car. And Bill drove to Melwood. Just around the corner,

  not three streets away –

  His car in the car park at Melwood. Bill was leaning over the veranda of the pavilion. Already changed. Always, already changed. In his boots, his football boots. Bill was waiting. Always, already waiting. On the veranda of the pavilion. Bill watched the players get off the bus from Anfield. Bill waved at the players. Bill smiled at the players. And Bill shouted, Morning, boys. Morning …

  Morning, Boss, said the players.

  Bill laughed. And Bill said, A great day, isn’t it, boys? A great day to be playing football. A great day to be alive!

  Yes, Boss, said the players.

  And Bill saw Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran. And Bill waved at Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie. And Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran looked up at Bill. Bill leaning over the veranda of the pavilion. Already changed. And Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all smiled. And Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all waved back at Bill. And Bill shouted, Morning, boys. Good morning. And how are you all today, boys? All well, I hope?

  Very well, shouted Reuben. Thank you, Bill. And you’re looking well, too. Looks like you can’t keep away, though …

  Bill laughed. And Bill said, I’m just here to keep myself fit, Reuben. To keep on my toes. That is, if no one minds?

  Course no one minds, said Bob. You’re always welcome, Bill.

  Thank you, Bob. Thank you very much …

  And Bill jogged down the stairs. And out of the pavilion. And Bill joined the players running round the training pitch. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But running, still running, running harder, harder than ever. Then the players split into their groups. And the players lifted weights. The players skipped. The players jumped. The players did squats. The players did abdominal exercises. And the players sprinted. And Bill lifted weights. Bill skipped. Bill jumped. Bill did squats. Bill did abdominal exercises. And Bill sprinted. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But sprinting, still sprinting, sprinting harder, harder than ever. And then the players passed the ball. The players dribbled with the ball. The players headed the ball. The players chipped the ball. The players controlled the ball. And the players tackled. And Bill passed the ball. Bill dribbled with the ball. Bill headed the ball. Bill chipped the ball. Bill controlled the ball. And Bill tackled. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But tackling, still tackling, tackling harder, harder than ever. And the players went between the training boards. The players moving, the ball moving. Playing the ball against one board. Then taking the ball, controlling the ball. Turning with the ball, dribbling with the ball. Up to the other board. In just ten touches. Playing the ball against the other board. Then pulling the ball down, turning again and dribbling again. Back down to the first board. In just ten touches. And Bill went between the training boards. Bill moving, the ball moving. Bill playing the ball against one board. Then taking the ball, controlling the ball. Bill turning with the ball, dribbling with the ball. Up to the other board. In just ten touches. Bill playing the ball against the other board. Then pulling the ball down, turning again and dribbling again. Back down to the first board. In just ten touches. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But dribbling, still dribbling, dribbling harder, harder than ever. Then the players went inside the sweat box. Ball after ball. Into the box. Every second, another ball. For one minute. Then for two minutes. Then for three minutes. Ball after ball, into the box. And Bill went into the sweat box. Ball after ball. Into the box. Every second, another ball. For one minute. Then for two minutes. Then for three minutes. Bill joking, Bill laughing. Cajoling and inspiring. But sweating, still sweating, sweating harder, harder than ever. And then the players played three-a-sides. Three-a-sides then five-a-sides. Five-a-sides then seven-a-sides. Seven-a-sides then eleven-a-sides. And Bill played three-a-sides. Three-a-sides then five-a-sides. Five-a-sides then seven-a-sides. Seven-a-sides then eleven-a-sides. Bill laughing, Bill joking. Inspiring and cajoling. But playing, still playing, playing harder, harder than ever. And then the players ran one last time around the training pitch. And Bill ran one last time around the training pitch. Bill still joking, Bill still laughing. Still cajoling and still inspiring. And running, still running, running harder, harder than ever. Until Bill came back to where Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie were standing. In the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill stopped running. Bill caught his breath. And Bill said, By, thank you, boys. Thank you. That was just what I needed, boys. Just what I needed. I tell you, boys. I tell you. I feel alive again, boys. Alive and kicking again! Thank you, boys …

  You’re welcome, said Bob. Very welcome, Bill.

  The players started to walk back towards the bus. The bus back to Anfield. The players smiled at Bill, the players waved at Bill –

  See you, Boss. See you tomorrow, Boss.

  Bill waved back at the players. And Bill shouted, Oh aye. Rain or shine, boys. I’ll be here. Rain or shine, boys.

  Well, I suppose we’d best be getting on the bus, too, said Bob.

  Oh yes, Bob. Of course you had. Don’t let me keep you. You can’t be standing around here all day, gabbing with me. Oh no.

  Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all nodded. Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie all said goodbye to Bill. And then Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie started to walk back towards the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill standing in the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. Bill watching them go. Back to Anfield, back to work. And Bill started to walk across the training pitch. To jog now, then to run. Bill caught up with Bob, Joe, Reuben and Ronnie. And Bill said, Actually, if no one minds. If I’m not in the way. Not under anyone’s feet. Because that’s the last thing I’d want to be. The very last thing. But I was wondering if I might just pop into the ground. To have a quick bath. If no one minds. I won’t come on the bus. Don’t worry. I’ve got the car. I’ll drive. I don’t mind. But I thought I might just pop into the ground. Just for a quick bath. After the players have gone, of course. Don’t worry, don’t worry. You’ll never know I was there …

  Of course, said Bob. You’re welcome, Bill. And come on the bus, if you want. It doesn’t bother me, Bill.

  Bill nodded. And Bill said, Thank you, Bob. Thank you. But it’s fine. I’ve got the car anyway. So I’ll drive. But thank you again, Bob. Thank you very much indeed.

  You’re welcome, said Bob again. And you don’t need to ask, Bill. You’re always welcome.

  Bill nodded. Bill smiled. And Bill watched Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan, Reuben Bennett and Ronnie Moran get back on the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill standing beside the bus. In the car park. Bill looked up at the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill smiled at the players in the windows of the bus. The
bus back to Anfield. And the players smiled back at Bill through the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. Bill waved at the players in the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. And the players waved back at Bill through the windows of the bus. The bus back to Anfield. The bus pulling out, the bus going back. Pulling out of the car park, going back to Anfield. Leaving Melwood, leaving Bill. In the car park. Bill waving them off, Bill watching them go. In the car park. Bill walked towards his car. Across the car park, back to his car. And then Bill stopped. In the car park. Bill turned. Bill walked back to the training pitch. And Bill ran one more lap around the training pitch. And then another. And another. And then Bill stopped running. Bill walked back to the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. Bill stood in the centre of the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill looked around the ground. The training ground. This ground that had been cold, this ground that had been dark. Where there were trees and where there were bushes. The grass long and the ground uneven. With hills and with hollows. An air-raid shelter and a cricket pitch. And Bill smiled. And then Bill saw a ball. Out of the corner of his eye. An old white ball, over by the fence. Bill jogged over to the fence. Bill put his foot on the ball. The old white ball. Bill pulled the ball back towards him. His foot on the ball. Bill rolled the ball back behind him. Onto the pitch. The training pitch. And Bill turned. Bill tapped the ball in front of him. Right foot, left foot. Across the pitch. The training pitch. Right foot, left foot. Back towards the pavilion. Right foot, left foot. Until Bill reached the pavilion. And then Bill flicked up the ball with his right foot. And Bill caught the ball in his hands. The old white ball. Bill held the ball in his hands. Between his fingers. Bill looked down at the ball. The ball in his hands. Between his fingers. And Bill smiled again. And then Bill put the ball down. Beside the steps. The pavilion steps. The ball ready for tomorrow, the ball waiting for tomorrow. The training tomorrow. And Bill walked across the car park. Bill opened the door of his car. Bill took out his shoes from the car. Bill took off his boots. His football boots. Bill put on his shoes. Bill put his boots back in the bag. The plastic bag. Bill got into his car. Bill pulled out of the car park at Melwood. And Bill drove to Anfield. Ready for his bath, ready for a soak. Bill pulled into the car park at Anfield. Bill parked the car. Bill got out of his car. Bill walked across the car park. The Anfield car park. And into the ground. The Anfield ground. Into the dressing rooms. The Anfield dressing rooms. The players long gone. But their smell still there. The smell of sweat, the smell of work. And Bill smiled again. And Bill took off his shoes. Bill took off his sweater and his tracksuit bottoms. Bill still smiling to himself. Bill went into the baths. The Anfield baths. And Bill stepped into the bath. The Anfield bath. The water still warm, the water still deep. Bill sank into the bath. The Anfield bath. The water deep, the water warm. Bill put back his head. In the warm water, in the deep water. And Bill closed his eyes. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill listened to the sounds of the bath. The Anfield bath. The water dripping, the water lapping. Dripping down the sides, lapping on the tiles. In the baths. The Anfield baths. Bill listened to the sounds of the ground. The Anfield ground. In the bath, in his ears. The footsteps in the corridors, the footsteps on the stairs. Coming and going. The telephones ringing, the voices talking. Laughing and joking. In the bath, in his head. The voices whispering, the voices wondering. Coming and going, coming and going. Bill could go up the stairs. Bill could knock on the door. Not with a demand, not with a threat. Just something he wanted to do, something they would want him to do. After this period of reflection, this period of rest. All things now considered, all things then restored. Just as before, just as they were. Yes, he would go up the stairs. And he would knock on the door. All things now considered, all things then restored. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill opened his eyes. And Bill sat forward. The water cold now, the water old now. In the bath. The Anfield bath. Bill stood up. And Bill stepped out of the bath. All things now considered, all things then restored. Bill reached for his towel. Bill missed the towel. And Bill missed his step. On the tiles,

  on his back. His shoulder gone –

  Bill fought back the screams, Bill fought back the tears. On the tiles, on his back. The blood draining from his veins. Bill tried to stand. Bill tried to get back on his feet. His palm flat against the floor, his other hand reaching for the side. The side of the bath. Bill slipped again, slipped back again. Cursing to himself, raging against himself. Fighting back the screams, fighting back the tears. On the tiles, on his back. The blood still running from his veins. The voices no longer whispering, the voices no longer wondering. Just cursing, just raging. And knowing, now knowing. On the tiles,

  on his back. Bill could not go up the stairs. Bill could not knock upon the door. Not now,

  not now.

  57. A GREAT RECKONING IN A LITTLE ROOM

  John Smith saw Bill Shankly walking towards him across the car park. The Anfield car park. And John Smith said, Hello, Mr Shankly. Good to see you. In fact, I was hoping I might run into you. I was hoping I would see you. To have a word, if I might? If you have the time?

  Of course, said Bill Shankly. And it’s good to see you, too, Mr Smith. In fact, I was hoping I might have a word with you, too.

  John Smith nodded. And John Smith said, Well then, shall we go back inside? Up to my office? And have our chat there?

  Great, said Bill Shankly. That would be great.

  John Smith and Bill Shankly walked back across the car park. The Anfield car park. Back into the ground. The Anfield ground. Up the stairs. The Anfield stairs. Along the corridor. The Anfield corridor. And into the office. The chairman’s office –

  John Smith gestured at one of the chairs in front of his desk. And John Smith said, Please, Mr Shankly. Have a seat.

  Thank you, said Bill Shankly.

  John Smith sat down at his desk. John Smith looked across his desk at Bill Shankly. John Smith smiled. And John Smith said, So how are you keeping, Mr Shankly? How is retirement treating you?

  Well, to be honest with you, said Bill Shankly. I’ve hurt my shoulder. I’ve been training. Keeping myself fit. And then I only went and slipped as I stepped out of the bath. Like a bloody fool.

  John Smith said, Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that, Mr Shankly. I really am. And I hope it’s nothing too serious?

  No, no, said Bill Shankly. But I think I should lay off the training for a wee while. Just for a while, mind. Until it’s right again.

  John Smith coughed. John Smith cleared his throat. John Smith took a deep breath. And then John Smith said, Well, it was actually about the training I wanted a word, Mr Shankly …

  Yes, said Bill Shankly. Of course. I mean, anything I can do to help. Then I will. Of course. Anything at all.

  John Smith coughed again. And John Smith said, Well, to be very honest with you, Mr Shankly, I think what would be most helpful, the most helpful thing you could do, would be to come in and do your training on an afternoon. After the players have finished. In the afternoon. I understand you want to keep fit. I understand, Mr Shankly. Of course I do. And so you’re always very welcome to come in every day. Every afternoon. And to use the facilities. The training ground. Of course. But after the players have left. I think that would be for the best. The best and most helpful thing. For everyone …

  In the ground. The Anfield ground. In the office. The chairman’s office. In the chair. The chair before the desk. In his suit and in his tie. His Liverpool Football Club tie. Bill Shankly fought back tears. Bill Shankly struggled to breathe.

  And Bill Shankly nodded.

  John Smith coughed again. And John Smith said, It’s not that you are not welcome here any more, Mr Shankly. Please do not think that. It’s not that you are being cast out. Please never think that. But we have to let Bob make his own mark. Let Bob be his own man. Not to live in your shadow. Bob has to be able to step out of your shadow. To stand or fall. On his own. As his own man. The man the players call Boss. Not Bob. Boss. The only man the playe
rs call Boss.

  His heart breaking, his head nodding. His back already broken, his kneecaps shot and shattered. A cattle gun to his forehead. Bill Shankly tried to stand. And not to run. To get back on his feet. And to walk away. His head high, his chin up. But Bill Shankly could not stand. Bill Shankly could not get back on his feet.

  And Bill Shankly nodded again.

  John Smith said, I am sure you can see the difficulty, Mr Shankly. The difficulty of the situation for everyone. And so I’m sure you understand why I am saying what I’m saying, Mr Shankly. Not out of any disrespect towards you. Or any malice, Mr Shankly. Just in the hope of making the situation easier, making a difficult situation easier. Easier for everyone, Mr Shankly. For the players and for Bob. And for the club, for Liverpool Football Club, Mr Shankly. And, of course, for you as well, Mr Shankly. So I hope you understand …

  Yes, said Bill Shankly. I understand.

  John Smith smiled. John Smith nodded. And John Smith said, Good, good. Thank you, Mr Shankly. Thank you. Now you said there was something you wanted to talk to me about, Mr Shankly?

  No, said Bill Shankly. It’s not important now.

  John Smith smiled again. John Smith nodded again. And John Smith said, Well then, Mr Shankly. If that is all …

  Yes, said Bill Shankly. That is all.

  And Bill Shankly gripped both arms of the chair. And Bill Shankly forced himself to stand. To get back on his feet. And to walk away, out of the office. The chairman’s office. And along the corridor. The Anfield corridor. And down the stairs. The Anfield stairs. And through the door. The Anfield door. Bill walked. Out of the ground,

  the Anfield ground. Alone –

  Bill walked alone.

  58. OUTSIDE THE GATES, OUTSIDE THE PALACE

  In the house, in their bed. In the dark and in the silence. His head on his pillow. His eyes open. Bill was exhausted, Bill was shattered. Exhausted and shattered by the hours ahead. The days to come. The long days to come. The long days without name. The long days marching on. Without flags, without songs. Exhausted and shattered. In the house, in their bed. In the dark and in the silence. Now Bill saw the curtain edges grow light again. Now Bill heard the paper through the letterbox. The paper on the floor. And Bill got out of bed. Bill put on his dressing gown. Bill walked down the stairs. Bill picked up the papers from the floor. The Sunday papers. And Bill smiled. Bill put down the papers on the table in the hall. Bill walked back up the stairs. Bill went into the bathroom. Bill washed and Bill shaved. Bill went into the bedroom. Bill took off his pyjamas. Bill put on his tracksuit. His red tracksuit bottoms and his red tracksuit top. Bill took his boots from out of the bottom of the wardrobe. Bill walked back down the stairs. Bill put his boots down on the floor by the front door. Bill walked into the kitchen. Bill ate breakfast with Ness. A slice of toast and honey, a glass of orange juice and a cup of tea. Bill helped Ness clear away the breakfast things. Bill dried up the breakfast things. Bill helped Ness put away the breakfast things. Bill kissed Ness on her cheek. And Bill said, I’m just going up to the rec for a bit, love. For a bit of a kick-about with the young lads up there.