Hercules and the Geek of Greece

by Hunter Kennedy

  Xumonia coughed once. The raspy report echoed throughout the great hall.

  “I thought I did,” she began weakly. “But you see, all of my warriors are away at battle, so we’ve been very shorthanded around the castle lately. And when the Festival of the Blue Moon took place in Xeres yesterday, I let my personal guards attend. While they were gone, Stuka’s warriors used an enchantment to gain entrance to my vault and managed to steal the crown. It was a grave mistake on my part leaving it so unprotected.”

  “You were just thinking of your people,” Hercules said, trying his best to comfort her.

  But he knew it had been a foolish mistake for Xumonia to leave the castle unprotected just so her court and guards could get a look at Hercules’ bratty half-sister, Aphrodite.

  Now Xumonia might have to pay for that blunder with her life.

  “Have you, my queen, thought about hiring a soldier from another kingdom to regain your crown?” Hercules asked. “Or perhaps asking the gods for help?”

  “Bah!” Xumonia replied angrily. “I would trust neither, least of all the gods!”

  She turned away for a moment.

  “No,” she said softly. “Whoever goes after my crown, must be very brave and loyal.”

  A long silence filled the great hall. Xumonia coughed again. This one sounded even worse than before.

  “May I show you something, Hercules?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

  “By all means, your majesty,” Hercules quickly replied.

  Xumonia rose from her royal seat, but needed help climbing down the throne’s two dozen stairs. Several guards had to come forward and guide her step by step. Once at the bottom, she smiled weakly at Hercules. Then she took his arm and together they walked across the great hall.

  They soon reached a doorway at the very end of the hall and entered a very dark chamber. This place was lit only by a strange blue light that came from some place Hercules could not see. In the middle of the chamber was a huge stone table. It was round, with four big legs. There were no chairs around it. The top was bare.

  The queen led Hercules to a spot about a foot from the table. Then she weakly snapped her fingers and suddenly her wizard, Xinx, appeared from thin air. This ancient man was wearing a long blue robe and a pointed hat, just like all wizards. He twirled his fingers very slowly, and soon, a small cloud of gold dust began to rise from the top of the stone table.

  Hercules was impressed—he’d seen examples of sorcery before, of course. But few this elaborate.

  The dust soon became a small tornado of blue smoke which quickly turned green, then yellow, then orange. Then, with one word from Xinx, the swirl transformed itself into a huge, transparent globe.

  “Your seeing ball, my queen,” the wizard said with a bow. “What would you like displayed?”

  “Castletop, Kingdom of Zum,” Xumonia said.

  The wizard twirled his hands again, and suddenly, Hercules was looking at an entire landscape, all contained within the seeing ball.

  What he saw was a huge piece of earth sticking up from the ground like a gigantic mushroom. It looked to be nearly a mile high. It was surrounded on three sides by low flat plains. To the north, there was a mountain and a cliff that was just a little bit higher than the big mushroom. A chasm separated the two.

  Atop this strange mushroom thing was a castle. It was about the same size of Xumonia’s castle, but it was not so quaint. There were no flowers, no pearly gates, no emerald vines. Rather, this place was all stone and metal and towers and bars. There were no windows. The place didn’t need a moat—it was so high up and the sides of the giant mushroom so steep, it looked just about impossible for anyone to get to the top.

  Yet Hercules could clearly see people moving around the Castletop. They were large-looking women. All of them were in full battle gear.

  “Those are the Amazons of Zum,” the queen explained. “You’ve heard of them?”

  Hercules nodded. He had. They were very bad news.

  “My wicked stepsister is now their queen,” Xumonia said. “And they have been rivals of mine for many, many years. Now they have my most valuable possession.”

  The queen paused sadly. “And you know that I can’t live for very long without it.”

  Hercules was still astonished—and now a little baffled, too. What did this have to do with him?

  It was as if Xumonia read his mind.

  “I need someone to recapture my crown,” she told Hercules weakly—she seemed to be aging right before his eyes! “Someone who is smart, resourceful, brave, and most of all, loyal.”

  That’s when Hercules finally understood.

  “Me?” he asked. “My lady, are you sure you have the right person?”

  “I’m sure,” the queen replied.

  But Hercules wasn’t.

  “But, my lady,” he said, “I’m only one. . . .”

  “I know that,” Xumonia cut him off. “But you are all the things I wanted . . . especially loyal.”

  Hercules felt like he was in a dream. This was exactly what he was afraid of. Herc had never enjoyed fighting women. It wasn’t because they weren’t good warriors—Xena had taught him that—but he still hated having to knock women around. And Amazons were even worse. They seemed to know how he felt, and it only made them fight harder. Better leave it to the queen’s own men.

  “But, my lady,” he began again. “Something so valuable as your crown should be retrieved by your army. Or your personal guards.”

  The queen laughed a little.

  “That’s exactly what my sister and her Amazons would expect,” she replied. “But you see, Stuka knows my army is away at battle. She also thinks I will call it back and attack the Castletop, something that will take weeks to prepare for. I simply can’t wait that long. . . .”

  The queen’s voice trailed off. Hercules just stared back at her. Again, right before his eyes, he saw more wrinkles form around her eyes and mouth.

  Hercules looked back into the seeing ball again. This Castletop place looked very far away.

  “I know it looks like it’s on the other side of the sky,” the queen said, “but it’s actually only two days’ ride from here.”

  At that moment, the queen staggered a bit. She could feel the life energy draining from her body. Xinx, her court sorcerer, had told her that if she didn’t get the crown back by the next full moon, she would die and the kingdom would collapse. And that Queen Xumonia just couldn’t have. She had to get the crown back.

  She looked over at Hercules. Tears had formed in her eyes.

  “Will you do it, Hercules? You’re really my last hope.”

  Hercules thought it over for a few moments and then went down on one knee before the queen.

  “For my old friend, and for the safety of your kingdom,” he said, bowing his head. “I will be honored.”

  Xumonia lifted Hercules back to his feet and hugged him warmly.

  Then Hercules looked deep into the seeing ball again and studied the Amazons’ fortress. The Castletop was so high, it seemed impossible to reach. Plus, anyone actually getting over to the top of the mushroom would have to face the hundreds of Amazons that guarded the place.

  “Well, that is a dilemma,” the queen admitted, again, seeming to read Hercules’ mind. “I’m sure someone with your fortitude can make it to the area. But getting across the chasm and inside the castle itself—well, those are problems. I just wish we knew someone with the answers.”

  Just then they all felt a distinct rustling in the room, as if a slight wind was blowing in.

  Oh, no, Hercules thought. He recognized that breeze.

  A second later, there was a swirl of white smoke between Xumonia and Hercules. When it cleared, the form of an ancient woman wearing ancient clothes was standing there.

  “Greetings, friends,” this woman croaked
. “I’ve been listening in. I hope you don’t mind. . . .”

  But Hercules did mind.

  She was Brooma, a very minor goddess of the realm. She was also Hercules’ aunt’s aunt—and thus, he was a kind of nephew to her. She was a well-meaning immortal, but widely known as the most bumbling and ditzy of all the gods. And now her presence caused Hercules to do a slow burn. In the past, Brooma had perfected the habit of showing up at the worst possible moments. This was one of them.

  For Queen Xumonia, though, Brooma was an oddity. She was very curious about her.

  “You must be from a distant branch of the immortal family tree,” she said to Brooma in that kind of snooty royal way.

  “Yes! Yes, I am,” Brooma replied enthusiastically, either not recognizing the queen’s snobbery or choosing to ignore it. “And I’m very proud of my little nephew here, Hercules. Proud you would ask him to go on this quest.”

  At this moment, the queen’s own wizard stepped forward. “Greetings, Brooma,” Xinx said. “Might you have a suggestion how one could get into Castletop?”

  “Yes, I do,” Brooma replied without even looking at the scene within the magic globe.

  “Well, do tell us,” Xumonia said, her voice not quite as snooty as a few seconds before.

  “I have an enchantment,” Brooma told them. “It will carry a person through solid walls a distance equal to a shadow’s length at sunrise.”

  Xumonia looked to her wizard, who shrugged.

  “Thirty paces,” Xinx whispered back to her, doing some quick calculations. “Not much more.”

  The queen thought about this, and then shrugged, too.

  “Not a substantial distance,” she said. “But helpful, maybe.”

  “If you could get to the outside wall,” Xinx said to Hercules, “then Brooma’s enchantment might get you inside the vault where we know the Amazons are keeping the Crown of Xas.”

  “Oh yes, definitely,” Brooma was saying. “Yes, that would work. . . .”

  But Hercules was tempted to stomp on Brooma’s foot. He wasn’t sure he wanted the wacky goddess to be encouraging this whole thing.

  The queen turned back to him.

  “So, my old friend,” she said to Hercules, “are you up for this?”

  Hercules was still wondering if he was sleeping. All of this seemed so—well, dreamlike.

  “Like he said before,” Brooma answered for him, “he will be honored to go. And I will be honored to go along with him.

  The queen smiled broadly for the first time.

  “Splendid!” she cried.

  “Splendid!” the wizard Xinx cried.

  “Splendid!” Brooma cried.

  “Oh, brother,” Hercules said. “If there’s any way I’m dreaming all this, please let me wake up now.”

  Chapter 3

  Leaving for Castletop

  With the snap of his fingers, the wizard Xinx conjured up a map of the route Hercules was to take to Castletop.

  Hercules’ heart sank to his feet when he saw it. The map indicated he would have to travel the Road of Rudes, the never-ending roadway that wound around the world several times over. Many parts of it were said to be haunted, especially up here in the northern part of the world, and most especially at night.

  “The road to Castletop is mostly through forests and thick woods,” Xinx told Hercules. “You must travel it only when it is daytime and be safely hidden away, off the road, every hour of the night. Terrible things can happen on the road when it’s dark. Things that even someone like you, the son of a god, might quake at.”

  “Gee,” Hercules told him, “thanks for the pep talk.”

  Map in hand, Hercules was then escorted by the queen to her royal stables. It was here that Xumonia’s finest steed was kept.

  His name was XL, and there was no finer horse in the Kingdom of Zim. He was tall, white, with a mighty head and a long, flowing mane.

  Everyone in the kingdom knew of XL. He’d carried many of the queen’s best warriors into battle before Xumonia had decided to make him her own. Now the queen allowed Hercules to go inside his royal stall and pet him, something only the queen was normally allowed to do.

  But why was Hercules being afforded this privilege?

  You are about to be pleasantly surprised, Hercules heard Brooma’s voice whisper in his ear.

  “I would never ask anyone to undertake such a dangerous quest without giving them the best thing that I have,” the queen said, patting the mighty steed herself. “That’s why I want you to take XL on your journey. Is that all right with you?”

  Hercules just stared back at her. XL was probably the most valuable warhorse in the realm. He was literally worth his weight in gold. A beautiful animal such as he was better off in safe quarters—and certainly not on the Road of Rudes.

  “Take XL?” Hercules finally replied. “I don’t know. I mean, I can’t. I shouldn’t. I mean, you shouldn’t really—”

  Xumonia put her finger to Hercules’ lips and stopped him from stammering.

  “I know I can trust you with XL,” she said, giving Hercules his reins. “Just as I know I can trust him to get you where you are going and back safely again.”

  Hercules looked at the golden reins and then back up at the queen.

  “My lady, I don’t know what to say. . . .”

  Xumonia smiled sadly.

  “Just say you’ll do your best,” the aging queen replied. “That’s all I can ask for.”

  “I will, my lady,” Hercules said with a bow. “I promise, I will.”

  There would be no send-off for Hercules. By the queen’s orders, he was to leave one hour before sunrise on the very next day.

  He ate a breakfast of fruit and water and wrapped his heavy cloak into his bedroll. Now that the sun was rising, the air began to warm up a little. But Hercules wondered just how long it would take to rid his bones of their very deep chill.

  Finally, it was time to leave.

  Hercules went to the royal stable where XL was waiting with a full pack of provisions. Hercules patted the horse and the massive animal snorted softly.

  “Between the two of us,” Hercules told him, “let’s try to make this a quick journey. Okay?”

  The horse snorted again and began nodding his head. He knew exactly what Hercules was talking about.

  Hercules checked his provisions bag—sweetcakes and honey for him, water and oats for XL—and then made sure they were strapped securely across the horse’s back. Then he put the golden reins on XL and led him out of the stable to the entrance to the great hall itself.

  Once here, he consulted his map again and looked to the east. The sun was just coming up. To the west, the direction he had to go, it was still very dark. He took a moment to clear his head, and then gave XL’s reins a slight pull.

  “The longest journey begins with the first step,” he murmured.

  But just as they were about to take that first step, Queen Xumonia suddenly appeared. She glided out of the great hall, looking even more frail and ill than before. A circle of guards surrounded her, several of which had to help her walk.

  Slowly she made her way over to Hercules.

  “There is one more thing I must ask of you,” the queen said.

  “Yes, my lady?” Hercules answered.

  “I want someone else to go with you,” she said. “Someone who will benefit from this trip, and possibly aid you in it.”

  Hercules’ heart made a slight leap. Perhaps Xumonia was going to assign a squad of her palace guardsmen to go with him, soldiers who were good with a sword and a map. Though he could certainly handle himself, Hercules wouldn’t have minded if some real soldiers were coming along on this dangerous quest.

  But as it turned out, nothing could be further from the truth.

  The queen weakly clapped her hands and two servants
appeared. Between them was a small boy weighed down by a heavy knapsack and a pair of bulging spectacles. He seemed to be sniffling and coughing and sneezing all at the same time.

  Hercules took one look at him and groaned. He recognized him right away.

  It was Geekus. The teenage human disaster who just also happened to be the nephew of the queen.

  He had grown barely an inch since the last time Hercules had seen him, even though that was several years before. And just like then, he looked unkempt, nervous, hair in disarray.

  Was the queen serious? Did she really want Hercules to drag Geekus along on this quest?

  “My lady, this will be a very dangerous journey,” Hercules started, “do you really think—”

  “That my nephew will be able to help you?” the queen interrupted weakly. “My answer is . . . yes.”

  “But he . . .” Hercules began to protest.

  The queen came up close to him. Her voice was very faint.

  “He needs to become a man, Hercules,” she told him in a whisper. “Because if I should, well, pass on to the other side, he will become the ruler of the kingdom.”

  Hercules was shocked to hear this.

  King Geekus? No way!

  “Does he know that, my lady?” Hercules asked her.

  The queen solemnly shook her head no.

  “It’s best he doesn’t,” she said.

  With that; Geekus was brought forward. But after two steps, he tripped and landed flat on his face. The guards helped him up, and helped him retrieve his glasses. But he clumsily put them on upside down and when he took another step forward, he tripped over his own feet again.

  There were not enough gold dinars in the kingdom worth this, both guards thought as they hauled Geekus to his feet again. They practically carried him the rest of the way this time, depositing him with a thump in front of Hercules.

  Hercules looked at him. His nose was a torrent of goo, his hands dirty and shaking. The boy didn’t look too crazy about this idea, either.

  Hercules was about to ask the queen to reconsider when Xumonia began coughing and breathing heavily again. She looked so ill and so old now, it was frightening.