And she wondered, as she watched him eat his breakfast with the kind of precision he did most things, whether he still expected an answer from her.
Then his lashes lifted abruptly and he said, ‘Well?’
She looked away and said barely audibly, ‘No. I wasn’t waiting for that.’
‘I take it you didn’t sleep very well last night.’
Roz licked her lips and looked back at him, her deep blue eyes shadowed themselves apart from the tell-tale faintly blue shadows beneath them, and a little spurt of bravado overcame her. ‘Did you?’
Their gazes locked and held. ‘No,’ Adam said at last, then, ‘Roz, if you’re picturing yourself as barren, infertile or whatever you like to call it, you could be quite wrong. The reason you haven’t become pregnant yet might be something as simple as extreme tension——no, don’t look like that. It is a possibility.’
‘I know, the doctor mentioned that, but two years,’ she shrugged, ‘seems a long time, and I wasn’t always …’ She stopped and bit her lip.
He studied her. ‘If you could forget all about it, it might help.’
‘Oh, Adam,’ she sighed wearily, ‘it’s easy for you to say that and I do try not to dwell on it but …’ She stopped and took a breath, thinking suddenly, this is the opening I need. ‘Actually I wanted to talk to you about that—well, what happened last night, the things I said and so on. I don’t—’ she paused and trembled inwardly but forced herself to go on, ‘I don’t really know why it all boiled up like that, but maybe,’ she tried to smile, ‘it was for the best. Perhaps I got it all out of my system, and anyway, you knew it was there bothering me, didn’t you ? You said …’ She broke off awkwardly.
Adam reached for the coffee pot. ‘Go on.’
She winced inwardly, then said huskily, ‘Now that I’ve realised how foolish I’ve been, I think I can change. I promise I won’t … well, I’ve thought about it a lot this morning and to hate myself for …’ She coloured and dried up.
‘Hate yourself for enjoying being made love to?’ he offered.
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘That’s ridiculous, isn’t it?’
He smiled briefly. ‘Not really. Not in our situation. But I’ve had a better idea,’ he added as she looked at him confusedly. ‘I thought it might be wise if we had a break from each other.’
Roz’s lips parted and her eyes widened.
He waited for a moment, then started to speak, but she broke in, ‘You mean—go away from each other?’
He studied her probingly, then he said, ‘Not precisely. But I’ve got an extremely busy few months coming up, so I’ll be away from home quite a lot and …’
‘You mean—not sleep with each other? Because you’re still angry with me? Is that …’
‘Roz, no, not because of that. I’m not angry with you about anything. But,’ his dark eyes narrowed as they rested on her pale face, ‘perhaps we need time to stand back a bit from each other. Also, you’ll be able to relax and stop worrying about whether you’re getting pregnant.’
‘How …’ her voice seemed to stick in her throat, ‘how many months?’
He shrugged. ‘We don’t have to be too specific, do we?‘
‘But how will you …?’ She blushed vividly and closed her eyes, but her lashes flew up as she heard him laughing softly and she said indignantly and reproachfully, ‘I was only …’
‘Expressing very wifely concern?’ he said with a grin. ‘Don’t worry, I plan to be very busy!’
She stared at him helplessly, totally taken aback by this turn of events, and yet if he’d suggested it last night she might have jumped for joy, mightn’t she? And wouldn’t it be a relief not to have to worry about getting pregnant, just for a little while‘? Only …
‘I don’t know what to say. Do I have a choice?’
‘Not while you’re looking like this, no.’
‘How am I looking?’ she asked bewilderedly.
‘Haunted,’ he said briefly.
‘I … I … I’m fine really,’ she stammered.
‘Well, perhaps this will make you finer,’ he said, and she thought she detected a note of dryness in his voice, but he went on normally, ‘Also, you have Nicky coming to stay for a while from Tuesday, isn’t it? And then there’s Nimmitabel. Les reckons she’ll be ready for her first start fairly soon, so you have an exciting time ahead of you.’
‘Yes. Yes,’ Roz said dazedly. ‘You won’t miss that, will you?’
‘No. Roz—’ he hesitated, ‘about Michael Howard, I’m sorry I broke the news to you like that. I’m not so old that I can’t remember how traumatic one’s first love affair can be.’
She blinked. ‘It wasn’t an affair! I mean, we didn’t …’
‘I know. You proved that yourself, but all the same—’ He shrugged.
Roz looked away. Then she asked, ‘Was your first marriage your first love affair, Adam ‘?’
‘Not quite. But there was plenty of trauma there.’ He smiled faintly. ‘I told you that Louise left me for someone older,’ he stood up, ‘no doubt wiser but particularly, wealthier. Not that it was hard to be wealthier than I was in those days, but he was rather rich.’ ;
‘And now?’ Roz asked.
He looked at her. ‘Now what?’
‘Is he still wealthier?’
‘Not …’ he stopped and looked rueful.
‘Not any longer?’
‘Not at the last count. But I stopped counting a few years back. He might have made a recovery. Roz …’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To work.’
‘But it’s Saturday. I thought you’d be going to the races—I thought we’d be … going to the races.’
Adam looked down at her for what seemed a very long time. Then he came over to her and sat on the edge of the table and picked up her hand. ‘You can’t,’ he said, looking down at her slim fingers and his ruby engagement ring, ‘stay awake for ever, my dear. Nor can you rely on me to help you to sleep for ever. You can do it on your own.’
‘So it’s to start now?’ she said, and her lips trembled.
‘Yes, Roz. I’m freeing you of all obligations for the time being. You know, I also know what it’s like to be unable to relax, to be able to forget when everything seems to stand up and scream your memories to you. Not that mine were quite on the same scale as yours, not so … horrific. But we have one thing in common—what happened when I lost Werrington and you lost your grandfather was not our fault. It happened, that’s all.’
‘Yes,’ she whispered, ‘I guess so.’
‘And the fact that you’ve been awake for nearly the last twenty-four hours can’t change it.’
‘No, but …’
‘I know, I haven’t helped exactly. But that’s all the more reason for us to do this. You have to learn to relax, and this is the best way.’
Roz wandered upstairs into her bedroom after she had watched Adam drive away. She stared into her mirror and tried to see how she looked haunted. But all she could detect was that she looked dazed and tired—and apprehensive. Did that all add up to looking haunted? Certainly like a player who had lost the script …
She sighed and went through to her bathroom to have a shower, and afterwards she pulled on her favourite grey silk wrapper with birds of paradise on it and lay down on the bed to think. But to her immense surprise, when she woke up, she had fallen asleep and slept deeply and dreamlessly for hours.
To find, when she got up, her sister-in-law Nicky on the doorstep full of apologies because she had arrived a few days early, but she was broke, she said. Positively destitute, which she would hate to have to admit to her mother, which she’d thought of admitting to Adam last night but had not been able to nerve herself to, and the only other thing she had been able to come up with was to arrive early and sweat out the few days until her next allowance, availing herself of his hospitality at the same time—what did Roz think‘?
Roz didn’t get a chance to say, because Nicky char
ged on—was that a coward’s way out, not to mention really creepy, but didn’t Roz share her sentiments that one small mouth to feed for an extra couple of days, especially one’s sister’s small mouth …?
‘Nicky,’ Roz broke in laughingly, ‘come in, and think no more about it. Of course he won’t mind. Anyway, we won’t tell him if you’d rather not, and I’m thrilled you’ve come a couple of days early. How were the exams? I meant to ask you last night but forgot.’
‘Horrific,’ Nicky replied, rolling her dark eyes. ‘Really hard, so I’ve got that on my conscience too. If I fail …’
‘You won’t,’ said Roz confidently. ‘You never have yet.’
‘Yes, but I’ve been—well, not quite so conscientious this semester … I say, Roz, are there any other members of the family lurking around? Like Aunt Margaret or Mum or——God forbid!—Lucia?’
‘Not a one, and none invited,’ Roz assured her. ‘Why ?’
Nicky sighed with relief, then said comically out of the corner of her mouth, ‘You ain’t got no idea what it’s like to have a large interfering family, kiddo, and especially one like the Milroys. Oh,’ she stopped and coloured, ‘well, you do now, but you’ve got Adam to use as a buffer, and to have no family mightn’t be very nice, although I can’t see it at present, but … oh damn, do you know what I mean, Roz?’
‘Entirely,’ said Roz with a grin. ‘But if you’re being harassed by the family at present—although I can’t think why, because they all adore you, I’m sure Adam would be happy to act as a buffer for you too. He … seems to know how to handle them,’ she added wryly.
But to her surprise, Nicola’s face fell, and she sighed confusedly. ‘If only I knew where Adam stood!’
‘Nicky,’ Roz said slowly, ‘you’re not thinking of shaving your head and going to join the Hare Krishnas or something like that, are you? Because …’
But Nicola started to laugh delightedly and said finally, ‘Oh God, can you imagine it? Oh Roz, I’ll remember that!’
‘Nicky!’ Roz exclaimed in some alarm.
And Nicola looked at her contritely, then kissed her on the cheek. ‘It’s nothing,’ she said gaily. ‘Well, only that I am nineteen and I resent everyone trying to tell me how to run my life as if I was fifteen or sixteen still. I guess that’s one of the penalties of being the baby of the family, though. Now, would it be too much to ask for a bite to eat‘? It’s nearly lunchtime and I didn’t have any breakfast, and …’
‘Come right this way,’ Roz invited. But as they sat down to an informal lunch with Milly and Jeanette, both great fans of Nicky, Roz wondered if there was something more than the weight of family interest bothering her pretty, vibrant sister-in-law. And she found herself remembering again what Margaret had said, and discovered that there was something else niggling at the back of her mind to do with Nicky, only she couldn’t dig it out.
Then she thought, we’ve got two weeks together, she might tell me of her own accord. If there is anything else to tell.
‘By the way,’ said Nicky that evening when they were watching a video in the den and laughing immoderately at the antics of Dudley Moore while they ate their supper off plates balanced on their knees, ‘where is Adam? I thought it was Saturday today.’
‘It is.’ Roz licked her fingers.
‘No races?’
‘Oh yes, but he’s working.’
Nicky raised her eyebrows. ‘Working? Darling Roz, don’t tell me we’re going poor again!’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because—well, I didn’t know he worked on Saturdays,’ Nicky explained, looking nonplussed. ‘You usually go the races, don’t you? To tell the truth, I didn’t expect to find you home when I arrived. I thought I might be able to sneak in.’
Roz started to speak, then paused as she was suddenly consumed by the enormity of having to explain that although Adam had never worked on a Saturday before during their entire marriage, that was what he was doing today, or had said that was what …
But then she heard his tread outside the den and she looked around at the door and closed her eyes in silent … relief? yes, when he walked in on them.
Nicky sprang up. ‘Adam! You must be a mind-reader! We were just talking about you.’
‘No wonder my ears were tingling!’ Adam said with a grin, but his eyes sought Roz’s over Nicky’s shoulder as he hugged her.
And she found herself smiling with … yes, relief again. Only a moment later Nicky unwittingly demolished it. ‘Roz said you were working,’ she confided artlessly, ‘but I couldn’t believe that, because according to Mum you don’t need to work ever again. That’s what she says anyway.’ She struck a pose. ‘My son Adam …’
‘I was, Nicky,’ Adam interrupted, ‘and of course I need to. Things don’t run themselves, nor have I tapped the rainbow. But to what,’ he enquired, ‘do we owe the honour of your presence two days early? I thought your weekend was accounted for—oh, don’t tell me! You’re broke.’
Fortunately his perspicacity caused Nicky to blush brightly, then dissolve into rueful laughter—and to forget about the oddity of her beloved, kindest, most understanding brother working on a Saturday.
But Roz couldn’t forget it, she found.
‘How are you?’ queried Adam, pouring himself a drink. Nicky had left them alone.
‘Fine! Would you like some dinner? I’m sure there’s some left, or I could make you something.’
‘No, thanks, I’ve eaten.’ He pulled his tie off and opened the white collar of his pink shirt, then took his drink over to the window while Roz rewound the video and turned the television off. In the ensuing silence she glanced across the room at him, standing tall and still with his back to her, apparently absorbed in the view although it was dark outside. She found herself marvelling because the last twenty-four hours—well, a bit longer, but not much—had again seen a radical change in her life, but like an iceberg, the largest part of it was below the surface. But then a lot of their life together had been like that, hadn’t it‘? And like an iceberg, that was the tricky, dangerous bit. Why dangerous? she mused. Am I being imaginative‘?
Then she said quickly, ‘I slept,’ as he turned and caught her watching him. ‘For hours.’ But immediately she wondered if it was a diplomatic thing to have said. Wasn’t it admitting that he was right?
But he only said, ‘Good,’ and came over to sit down in one of the comfortable leather armchairs, and when she sat down opposite him, he added, ‘Would you like a drink, by the way? Now you’re twenty-one.’
‘No, thanks,’ Roz said wryly. ‘You were right about that gin last night. I didn’t like it. So I think I’ll stick to wine with meals and the odd aperitif.’ She smoothed the skirt of her long aquamarine skirt which she wore with a navy blue peasant-style blouse with puffed sleeves, and aqua ribbon tying back her hair and navy blue flat velvet shoes.
‘I like that outfit,’ Adam remarked presently when she couldn’t think of anything to say—well, how to express herself anyway.
Which was probably why she took his remark up so eagerly. ‘Do you‘? Actually I chose it myself—Jeanette let me loose—but I think she approved. She said it was perfect for——’ Roz stopped, then shrugged and smiled faintly, ‘a lady of the manor to be comfortably at home in the evenings in. Jeanette has some … rather old-fashioned notions, but then she’s very wise too and …’
‘Well, I think she’s right about everything on this occasion,’ he broke in with his dark eyes looking amused. ‘You are the lady of the manor,’ he added.
Only in name at the moment, Roz thought but did not say.
But he went on, ‘Do you always take Jeanette shopping with you?’
‘Nearly always. Even your mother thinks she has a marvellous eye for clothes. Adam, do you think we could do something about that‘? I mean, put her through a dress designing course and a millinery course? Do you remember that hat I wore to the Prime Minister’s Cup‘? Oh, well, you probably don’t,’ she shrugged as
he narrowed his eyes, ‘but …’
‘Yes, I do. You were all in sapphire blue that day, that made your eyes look like sapphires, except for the hat——I mean it wasn’t all blue, it had pink rosebuds on it. It was very pert and attractive.’
Roz blinked. ‘Oh. Well,’ she said almost as if she’d forgotten what she’d been saying.
‘Jeanette had something to do with the hat, I gather,’ Adam suggested.
‘Yes! She virtually remodelled it!’ Roz said gratefully.
‘It had this long yellow feather on it originally, but when we got it home, we decided we’d made an awful mistake because it made me look like … something out of the Folies Bergére.’
Adam’s teeth glinted in a. smile. ‘I can’t imagine that.’
‘Well, no, knowing the rest of me I don’t suppose you can,’ she said, smiling back with an imp of mischief dancing in her eyes suddenly. ‘But the point is …’
‘Jeanette replaced the feathers with the rosebuds?’
‘She made them. She stiffened some silk in beaten egg white and before it had set she fashioned these gorgeous lifelike rosebuds out of it. Then she sprayed them with hair spray in case I was beset by wasps-—-she learnt that trick from her mother, who decorated a Christmas cake with stiffened ribbon, but the ants got to it.’
‘Perhaps the icing enticed the ants,’ Adam said gravely.
‘Perhaps,’ Roz conceded. ‘I didn’t have any trouble with creepy-crawlies, but …’
‘As for the rest of you,’ he interrupted, ‘I think they’d have adored you at the Folies Bergére, but I doubt if you’d have liked it much. That’s what I meant.’
‘I … wouldn’t have thought I was … buxom enough for that kind of thing. What a horrible word, but do you know what I mean?’ And she was assailed by a fit of very natural laughter.
Adam laughed too, then he said, ‘It’s not always a question of being buxom, Roz. Your figure’s perfect, for you. In fact it’s astonishingly lovely.’
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