“You should have gone down there.”
“I know.”
“You need to go after what you want.”
“I don’t want anything!” I say a little too loudly, then add, “You know that.”
It’s true. I don’t have a dream—not one I’m aware of. I don’t have a ton of ambition, though I know I’m supposed to since we women are supposed to be all things now to all people.
I have never wanted to work in advertising like Lynette, or go to college and search for a career I barely enjoy. I can’t focus on anything unless I really care about it, which means I also barely passed high school. I’m intelligent—it’s not like I’m stupid. I’ve read more books than most people I know, but learning about subjects I could give two shits about will never be my thing.
I don’t want anything.
I’ve always told myself that it’s okay. Maybe God makes us the way he or she wants us and all we really have to do is accept ourselves and do the best we can with what we’ve been given. Maybe I’m not supposed to want anything. But I have a nagging suspicion I am. Can you make a career out of dreaming?
“Hey, bug?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you leave a bunch of people without the ability to get their coats?” We both start laughing. She bumps me with her hip and points to the front door. “Get your ass back there!”
“Don’t make me!”
“It’s like eight minutes door to door. Get your ass over there, now.”
Trudging to grab my keys and slide my ballet-style flats back on, I mutter, “I don’t like you.”
“You want to be like me.” I can hear the smile in her voice.
“Just because it’s true, doesn’t mean you have to say it,” I dryly throw over my shoulder. “You better not watch House of Cards without me!”
Her funny laugh fades away as I lock the door and head back to the place that pays me to smile. Suckers.
12
Xavier
I’d made damn sure Howard made it home and stayed there. His job is important enough to him that I think I can trust him to fall asleep, stay put, so he can get to the morgue bright and early, as usual. Especially with Dr. Strathers talking about retiring. Howard’s interest in getting a promotion will prevail.
I hope.
“I didn’t expect you back for a couple more hours.”
As he locks the front door of our spacious and sparsely furnished loft, Draik calls out, “And I expected Howard to be with you.” Strolling in, he adds, “Please tell me you talked him into being the meat of a lesbo-sandwich.” His smirk is waiting for mine, but that won’t happen. He slides his arms out of his suit jacket and hangs it on a hook. “Getting these suits was so fucking smart. Sandra loved it. I don’t think it matters we all have the same ones, except for those navy ones we haven’t tried out yet.” He turns around. I just stare at him, and kick my feet up onto the new coffee table. “What’s the problem, X? Something happen?”
It’s a fair question considering what we’ve all been through. And I don’t want him worrying about the heavy shit like Alexander Kruglov.
“It’s nothing like that. Here.” I kick the bottle of Macallan 18 toward him, and it slides a couple wobbly inches before he grabs it up and drinks from it.
“Good shit.”
“Yep.”
Draik collapses onto one of our beat-up leather chairs and spreads his legs with a crack of his neck. “Fucking Sandra. She’s a beast. So, what happened? He chicken out?”
I grimly admit, “No, I did,” and take a swig from the bottle as he hands it back to me.
“You did? I don’t get it.”
Draik smells of Sandra’s cunt. Kinda distracting. “I should be getting a little action myself,” I grumble to myself and take a big drink, enjoying the burn of a good Scotch making its way into my bloodstream. “How long has it been?”
Draik lifts his gaze to the ceiling, trying to remember. “Well, it’d been over a month for me…”
“You were healing.”
“Yeah, but…I don’t think I’ve seen you leave the place without one of us since…fuck, Xavier! How long has it been since you had a mouthful of pussy?”
I search, “Fuck if I know. I think it was Ellen? Or no. Wait…it was that curly-haired brunette I picked up at—”
“—Lost Lake.”
“Right! Three, four months? Too busy chasing fucking Russians.” Shaking my head I lean back on the couch and mutter, “Anyway, we have to talk.”
Draik snickers and reaches for the bottle. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I wish.” I take another swig before I relinquish it. “I’ve been stewing over what to do. Didn’t think you’d be home for hours and saw a future of sleeplessness ahead of me.”
“Glad I came back then.”
“Yeah. It’s about Howard.
“Well, spit it out.”
Remembering when we were stalking the coat-check girl’s scent, I stare off. “First, he’s never been trained. He has no clue what he can do. More than that, he’s got no grip on his wolf. Tonight he almost shifted out in public right in the middle of North Orleans.”
Draik’s look turns dead serious. He leans forward and set the bottle down with a slam. “He fucking what?!!”
Absently scratching my beard, I nod. “Yeah. Not just there. At the club, too. His fucking eyes were glowing at Spybar. He couldn’t hear me calling him. And he had no idea how close he was to turning. There was a girl. That one from the coat check, remember her?”
“Blue hair, matching eyes, full around the hips with lips like a cherub?”
“That’s the one. Give me that.” He hands me the Macallan. Holding it steadies me. “When I found him at her empty window, he confessed he liked her. I saw his eyes and was like, no shit. But I thought it was just him being horny since we were dangling the idea of sex in front of him all night. So I thought, okay, he wants this one. I’ll help him find her. I was fucking floored when I found out he’s only just now begun to hear and smell like us. I’m guessing that applies to all his abilities. He’s like a pup!”
“Fuck. What did they do to him?” Draik’s locked on the story, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
“Suffocated him? I don’t know. So I thought, I’ll teach him. I got him to focus and we tracked her. But I unleashed a monster—for lack of a better term. As soon as he caught her scent, he was off and running. He no longer knew I existed. I had to grab him and turn him away from the pedestrians because his eyes were fucking glowing again. He didn’t know it!”
“Fuck!” Draik grabs his head. “He didn’t know it? How do you not know it?”
“When you’re wild, that’s how.”
“Where’s his father? Didn’t his pack have a system?”
“Well, you saw how he was! He was barely wolf. If it weren’t for his scent, we wouldn’t have known.”
“When we first met him way back at Rossi’s, we were sitting right next to him and it still took us a minute to realize he was one of us.”
I nod, remembering it well. “I’m guessing the wolf who fathered him wasn’t around. He’s screaming for a male influence. My best guess. But don’t you see?”
Draik stares at me. After a charged silence, he barks, “What?! Just tell me. And hand that back over!”
I hold it out but don’t let go, keeping it just out of his reach so I have his full attention. “He’s found her.”
Draik’s eyes narrow as he tries to understand, then they go dead. “No way.” He leans back and completely forgets about the Scotch. “No fucking way.” I set it down.
“Yep. He’s found her. His mate. The one. It’s over.”
Draik cries out, disgusted, “He hasn’t been with anyone! He can’t find the only one he’s going to be with for the rest of his life yet!” He jumps up off the chair and paces. “That’s not fair!”
“I’m right there with you.”
Grabbing his head again, the short blon
de hair just now growing back after what happened to him, Draik grumbles, not wanting to believe me, “You don’t know it for sure.”
“I saw him. And with what happened with Curragh, I know what it looks like. But it was fucking obvious even if I hadn’t had that recent and unnerving experience. Howard was untamed. His scent changed. His strength doubled. It took force to turn him off track. If two cops—that’s right police officers stopped to ask us what we were doing—if two cops he recognized hadn’t interrupted…” I let him fill in the rest with his imagination.
Boots loud on the hardwood floor as he paces, Draik tries to reason with me. “But you said he hasn’t used his senses fully! Maybe he just got excited!”
I argue, “He became unhinged. This is not just him in heat. This is him finding her, and now? It’s set in stone.”
“FUCK!!” Draik pounds the air with angry fists. He collapses back onto the chair. “Only being with one woman your entire life? I can’t even imagine how much that sucks!” I ruefully smile at this, secretly envious. He looks over and demands, “What’s so funny?”
My voice goes quieter as I think about it. “I’ve never gone wild animal over a female before, man. Have you? I have no idea what that even feels like, to want them so badly that you lose your mind and he takes control? I’ve always had control over my wolf.”
Draik quiets too. “If you put it like that…”
We both stare off, a random car driving by outside the only noise other than our heartbeats. I’ve been thinking about how serious this is, how badly it could go the entire time since I left Howard. Draik and I have to contain the problem. “If we let him near her without training, he could hurt her.”
A sharp crease slashes Draik’s forehead. “Oh fuck. You’re right.”
“Think about it. The cops distracted him. I got us out of there before he realized where she fucking lived. We were right in front of her apartment. I could even hear her and her friend talking upstairs while Howard deflected the deputies. If he knew that?”
“No stopping him.”
“Exactly.”
“He’d be howling at her fucking doorstep at this very moment,” Draik said on a long exhale.
“Breaking down the door with his claws! I told him he needs to move in with us.”
Draik looks at me with surprise then admits, “I guess that’s the best thing to do. Boy am I glad Curragh’s got his own place now. There is no fucking way he’d be okay with this.”
We stare at each other then bust up laughing. The idea really is hilarious. “I can’t wait until he gets back from vacation and sees our new roomie.”
“HA!” Draik leans forward, laughing as he takes the bottle from me. “Can you picture it?” He adopts a lower voice to do an impression of our beast of a packmate. “What the fuck is this bullshit. No. No. NO!”
I lose it all over again and when the dust of amusement finally settles, we both get quiet. After a moment, I mutter, “We gotta train a wolf to heel.”
13
Howard
I can’t stop thinking about that blue-haired girl. She was in my dreams and now, brushing my teeth, I’m obsessed with the dawning awareness that I was close to finding her last night and then…something happened. What was it? It’s kind of a blur. I know Xavier said some things. There was a conversation with the deputies, but I have no idea what I said. I hope I didn’t sound like an idiot.
Spitting into the basin, I rinse off my toothbrush as I reach for a towel and my glasses. “Oh yeah,” I mutter, remembering I don’t need them anymore. “Old habits don’t wanna die...”
Putting on my usual slacks and button-up which I always wear some version of under my lab coat, I slip on a clean pair of dark socks while sitting on the edge of my bed. My mind is miles away. That scent. I can still smell her and it hasn’t faded. It’s a wild feeling.
Aloud I mumble to myself, “Maybe we were near her home last night when I got distracted. Maybe if I went back there I could find her.”
Tugging the socks into place, I run the possibilities through my mind. She might have gone to get coffee this morning. If she walked around the neighborhood or even just to her car I could track her down.
I head for the door, slide on the tile in my kitchen on the way out, and realize I forgot my shoes. It’ll take too long to go back for them. Must find that girl. Go now.
Go NOW.
Snatching up my keys from the spotless counter, I run out into my apartment building’s hallway and down the stairs for the first floor. My heart is beating like crazy. I’m going to find her. I can feel it. I swing open the door and freeze. “What are you guys doing here?”
Xavier and Draik are standing on either side of the balustrade with their arms crossed. “We were in the area,” Draik smiles.
Xavier jerks his chin toward my socked feet. “Where’re your shoes?”
“Oh, uh…inside.”
“Well, go get ‘em.”
Make a break for it. Run past them. But a saner voice tells me I wouldn’t make it two feet before they’d tackle me. What the hell are they doing here anyway?
Draik says, “Normally you’re glad to see us,” walking up the steps to turn me around and walk me back in.
I mutter, “Who says I’m not?” glancing behind me toward freedom. In doing so I lock eyes with Xavier who looks determined. “What’s on your mind guys? What’s with the morning visit?”
He says nothing, dark eyes grimly set on me. The three of us get to my apartment and Draik opens the door without a problem.
“I guess I forgot to lock it.”
“Do you normally leave it unlocked?” Xavier asks.
“In this city, no! I’m not stupid.”
They exchange a look, lips drawn in thin lines. Draik dons a casual expression. “Don’t you remember Xavier telling you we were coming by? Jesus, Howard, how much did you drink last night?”
“You said that?” I blink a few times, flustered. “That’s weird.”
“What?”
Pushing shaggy hair back from my eyes, I frown. “That I don’t remember. Did I even drink anything? I feel hungover like I did but…” Glancing to Xavier I ask, “You said you were coming over today?”
“To help you move. Remember? You’re moving in with us. You said you were calling in sick.”
I balk at that immediately. “I did not! I’m not chancing another missed day. Dr. Strathers is watching my every move. I have to get that promotion or they’re going to bring in another coroner from the outside or promote someone from the lame-ass night crew. No way!”
Something private is exchanged between them that I can’t decipher.
Draik mutters out the side of his mouth, “We have to tell him.”
Xavier is staring at our Nordic packmate with dead eyes. What I don’t like about this, besides the memory-loss is that Draik looks so serious. He’s never this stone-faced and dead-voiced, not ever. He’s always joking around and making light of everything. Unable to hold back, I shout, “What’s going on?!!!!”
Xavier shoves his hands into the front pockets of dark blue jeans. “You’ve never trained. We want to help.”
My eyes explode wider than Montana. “Are you kidding me?! That’s great! God, the way you guys were acting it felt like the world was gonna end!” I pace around, thrilled. “This is fantastic! You’re both going to teach me!??”
Draik walks over and claps a hand on my shoulder. He leans in a little and looks at me from under blonde eyebrows. “You saved my life. Let me repay you by helping you with your powers.”
“My powers? I sound like a superhero.”
He gives my shoulder a shake and releases it. “That’s what we are.”
Xavier scoffs, “I don’t know about that.”
Draik spins around on a grin, throwing his arms out. “What? We fight crime? We’re stronger than humans—”
“—Alright. Yeah yeah.” Xavier waves the idea away with a jerk of his bearded chin. “Since you can’t skip
work, Howard, let’s start there.”
I head to my room to grab some shoes, feeling tons lighter than I did earlier. “You can’t come to my work. That’s not professional.”
“We’ll give you a lift then,” Draik calls out.
Shoed and ready, I return to them. “You want to do that?”
Xavier mutters like it’s obvious, “We’re going that way already,”
“But you said you came here to move my stuff, and your loft isn’t in that direction.”
Xavier sucks on his teeth. “Draik wanted to grab a coffee before we started and…oh just shut up. We’re driving you.”
Huffing a surrendering laugh, I pull out my keys and head for the door. “Alright, but then you have to pick me up, too.”
“Done.”
“Awesome.” I lock up, with them on either side of me. I love hanging out with these guys. I was irritated earlier, but I don’t remember why. I never get that way. The more they want me around, the better. For years now I’ve been trying to shoehorn myself into their plans. Now they’re taking time out of their days to train me? What will that be like? Just thinking about it heats up my blood.
14
Howard
When they pick me up after my shift, Strathers has already left for the day and the night crew hasn’t arrived yet. Turning on the heel of a worn boot, Xavier leads the way out. I toss aside the towel I was using to sterilize one of our metal tables and follow.
Draik throws a wink over his shoulder. “I didn’t think you’d be here, kid.”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be here?”
He shrugs on a low chuckle. “No reason.”
Chicago doesn’t lack for industrial areas and the one they take me to is very dark and purposefully isolated. We pull into the back empty parking lot, every corner shrouded in shadows. I glance around and notice that I can see inside the darkness as I never have before. It’s a different type of ‘seeing,’ the kind you’d experience using infrared glasses. The aged, crumpled wrappers, dead leaves and rats hidden there have a thin white aura around them. A live rat scurries into a hole in the fence, and my eyes widen. Its aura is red, a slender glowing outline of light that moves with his body, little legs and long tail. White and red, that’s the difference between a living or inanimate object. I can only see these outlines in shadows so dark that were I to have the human vision I used to, I wouldn’t have been able to see a thing.
Werewolves of Chicago: Howard: The Underdog Page 5