‘Lily, I…’
He took a deep breath. Never apologise for who you are, his father had told him many times. Never apologise for your ambition, what it takes to do what you need to do. Damir had never stopped to think about those words before, to wonder if perhaps there was another way.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry for lying to me? Sorry for seducing me? For listening to me as if you cared? For making me start to think I could fall in love with you? You’re going to have to narrow it down, I’m afraid.’
Every word fell with skilled precision. He was guilty as charged. ‘I’m sorry for misleading you. You’re right. I guessed who you were that first day and thought that if we became friends, you might put a good word in for me with Marija. I thought that if I got close to you I might get to know what her plans were before anyone else. I deliberately befriended you, that day on the beach just after you’d arrived, I sent you the flowers as part of a campaign to get you onside. But, Lily…’ He stopped, trying to find the words. He didn’t have any, but he had to say something.
‘Lily, the rest of it, the spark between us, I didn’t plan for that. How could I have? I don’t understand it myself. I barely know you in many ways and yet I couldn’t get you out of my head. I can’t apologise for sleeping with you, because what we just shared was the one thing for a long, long time that felt real.’
Where on earth had all that come from? Damir had had no idea that he felt that way. But every word had been true. The vulnerability was terrifying, more terrifying than any leap of faith in business, than anything he’d ever done before.
Lily stopped walking, whirling round to glare at him. ‘How dare you? How dare you say that to me?’
He shrugged. ‘Because it’s true.’
She stared at him for what felt like an eternity. ‘Why?’
Damir’s heart hammered harder than ever. He couldn’t turn, couldn’t look at her. ‘What do you mean?’
When she spoke she sounded calmer, although sorrow laced her words. ‘You have so much. Far more than I ever realised. When we first met, you gave me the impression that you owned a couple of businesses here in Lokvar, but actually you have quite the empire, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘And yet the villa is still so important you were prepared to do anything to get that as well?’ She paused, but he didn’t answer, the question clearly rhetorical. ‘What happens next?’
‘Lily, I—’
‘You get your hands on the B&B, you tear it down, you replace half of that small but perfect coastline with another resort hotel, fill the beach with people who pay a fortune to stay there, change all that’s special and unique about Fire Cove and then what? Will you be done? Or will you be onto the next project before the foundations are laid? Looking for the next person to charm and to help you on your way?’
Every word hit hard and accurately. His success had been as quick as it had been surprising in a country where connections still counted for everything, and talent and drive didn’t always outweigh who you knew.
Throughout the last few years, Damir had managed to stay on the right side of the law, never venturing too far into the morally grey area, but he had had to be single-minded to do so. The price he’d paid, the price his ex-wife had paid, had been high. He told himself it was worth it. But Lily had struck to the heart of his doubt. When would it be enough? Would he ever feel that he had done enough or would he always keep striving to grow? To make more, be more?
‘I don’t know,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I just don’t know.’ But he did know. Whatever he achieved, it would never be enough.
‘You told me once that you’d made a promise to your father. A promise to grow the business, to get the security he felt he’d never had. Is that what drives you? Is that how you justify what you do? If he were still here, would you still want to keep expanding so aggressively? Is that what he’d want?’
‘It’s all he ever wanted.’
‘And would he think that the end always justifies the means? That what happened between us was okay?’
His laugh was bitter. ‘Who do you think taught me, Lily? I am my father’s son.’
Pain flashed in her eyes and Damir knew there was no coming back from this. He had no case to plead. He let everyone down, that was who he was. He might be falling in love with Lily—hell, there was no might about it—but she was worthy of far more than him. The best thing he could do, the only thing he could do was to let her go and ensure she didn’t waste a single moment thinking about him.
Somehow he managed a twisted smile. ‘Lily, I like you. I like you a lot, more than I should. But I never pretended this was, that this could be anything more than a summer fling. I don’t have the time or the emotional freedom for a relationship. What we share physically is amazing, I think it’s a shame to waste that kind of chemistry. But let’s not pretend this is something it isn’t. Like I said, I’m sorry I misled you, but this isn’t some big betrayal. We’re just two people with a spark. Sex is sex, business is business. Don’t confuse the two. But there’s no reason we can’t keep having fun.’
* * *
Lily had her answer, now it was time for her to walk away. She’d already been hurt, humiliated, but she was strong, no lasting damage had been done. Damir was ruthless, wasting more time on him would truly make her the fool she’d thought she was.
Until his last comment she’d hoped that he was the man she’d thought he was, the kind and compassionate man she glimpsed beyond the flirtatious façade. But she was wrong.
‘Fun,’ she repeated tonelessly. ‘I see.’ She did manage a smile then, but there was no warmth, no humour in it.
‘Do you want to know what’s ironic, Damir? Six months ago you would have been my ideal man. You’re handsome and charming and a good lover, and you’re driven. You wouldn’t have expected anything from me and I would have been free to work as much as I wanted, to care as little as I needed. Maybe we would have gone on not expecting or caring, sleepwalked into a convenient marriage. But I’m not that woman any more. And you’re no longer who I think I need or want. Maybe that’s why it feels like you are. Maybe that’s why somehow despite everything you have got under my skin, into my heart…’ She stopped, swallowing back tears she was damned she’d shed in front of him.
‘Don’t worry, Damir. I’ll put your case forward to Marija alongside my own. I’ll be fair. But it’s probably for the best we don’t see each other any more. The fun is over.’
‘If that’s what you want.’
‘I do.’
‘Then goodbye, Lily. I’ll open the gate.’ And he turned and walked away. She watched him enter the house. He didn’t look back once and so, as the gates slowly swung open and she left the villa, neither did she.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DAMIR LOOKED AT his laptop, at the pile of documents waiting for him to read, to sign, to take action on and sighed. Despite burying himself in work for the last ten days, he was still nowhere near on top of it all. He’d let things slide over the last few weeks, taking days and evenings off. It was good to be back where he needed to be. Committed and focussed.
He leaned back in his chair and stared out of the window at his front gates. He could still see Lily standing there, tall and dignified and righteously angry. He saw her every time he looked at the gates, every time he entered his bedroom, or made a coffee, around every corner. He’d thought that the pain might have started to dim by now. It was only getting worse.
He missed her. Missed her laugh and her smile. Missed the way she got to the heart of the matter, the way she made him think, the way she made him feel. Her warmth and her wit. Her touch. The feel of her under his hands.
He’d been asleep for so long and she had woken him. Was he really willing to drift back into that half-life again?
He jumped to his feet, prowling restlessly around the study, r
esisting the urge to text her, to call her, to hear her voice. Work had always, always helped in the past. Why wasn’t it working now? No matter what he did, how many hours he put in, how many miles he travelled, he missed her. And now here he was, back where it had all started to unravel, and the pain of his loss was greater than ever.
Knowing that he had deliberately pushed her away was no help.
Walking over to the bookshelves, he pulled out a thin bound album and opened it. He hadn’t looked at it for years. There he was. Much younger, much more naïve, much more hopeful, beaming in a suit, Kata beside him, his parents flanking them. They’d been only in their very early twenties when they’d married, still babies. Childhood sweethearts playing at being grown-ups. Would their marriage have survived if Damir hadn’t checked out? Because although Kata had been the one to walk away, he had mentally left her long before, blaming her demands and his acquiescence for his father’s death.
But there had been nothing wrong with her desire to spend time with her husband and he had been allowed to put his wife first. He could hear Lily telling him, ‘It’s very sad but no one’s fault. Especially not yours.’ She was right. He had to forgive himself and move on.
He flicked through the album, and to his surprise he felt no sorrow, no regret. Their marriage had been brief, but they’d been happy for a time. The truth was that theirs had been a young love, a first love, sweet and innocent but not robust enough to stand any great tests. The only fault lay in the way he had handled the unravelling of their relationship, the way he had distanced himself from Kata, the way he had locked his heart away since.
The way he’d treated Lily.
That was all on him.
He put the book away.
The way he felt about Lily was still so new, but different from anything he had ever felt before. Deeper, stronger, wiser. He was no idealist, not any more, but she had filled him with a hope he barely recognised, the possibility of a different kind of future, not sterile and lonely but filled with laughter and love. She made him want to do better, be better, be more. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness and even if she bestowed it on him he had to accept that she would be unlikely to trust him again.
But how could he not try? He’d never expected, never wanted, to feel again, but she had broken down his barriers and reached his heart. It was time to put that heart on the line.
But, first, to really move on he had to face his past, and put it behind him once and for all.
* * *
Damir guided his car smoothly around the hairpin bends. On one side houses blended into the rocky countryside, on the other the sea sparkled far below in the afternoon sun. Signposts pointed to the various resorts that served the hundreds and thousands of tourists who came to this part of the Dalmatian Riviera.
A different kind of resort could also be found along the coastline, a string of abandoned hotels, elite resorts from the communist era. His grandfather had once been a chef in one of these hotels, but after the war they had been left to crumble back into the cliffs and beaches, ghost buildings incongruous amongst the tourist-filled villages and towns. As youths they had sailed there, to party in the ruins, a rite of passage.
A sign directing traffic to the airport flashed by and then at last he saw the turning that led to Cavtat and he began the drive down to the pretty harbourside village. He found a parking spot at the top of town, locked the car and set off, checking his phone for directions. The house he sought was a pretty villa on the other side of town. Painted a fresh pink with white trim and glorious views, it felt prosperous and loved. The garden was neat and well tended and Damir noted children’s toys lined up on the porch, a swing set in the garden. He swallowed, this was not going to be an easy visit.
He stood by the door for a moment, trying to summon up the courage, the resolve to knock but before he could do so the door opened. A petite, heavily pregnant woman, whose features he’d once known by heart, stared at him, arms crossed defensively. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Hello, Kata.’
She glared for a moment longer before sighing. ‘You’d better come in. I’m too big to stand at the door figuring out what you want.’
Ten minutes later he was sitting at her kitchen table, a coffee in front of him. The hallway and kitchen were as bright and cheery as the outside, this was clearly a well looked-after and happy family home. Looking around, he saw more signs of domesticity, a notice-board filled with appointments, letters and reminders, pinned-up children’s drawings, and an open book lay face down on the table. A cat slunk around his ankles, purring loudly. Kata had always wanted a cat. He reached down to stroke the soft head and looked across at his ex-wife.
‘When are you due?’
‘Another six weeks.’ She pulled a frustrated face. ‘It’s been much harder this time, being pregnant with a toddler and at the height of summer. Still, I shouldn’t complain, it’s what I always wanted.’
‘You’re happy then?’
She sank into the chair opposite him and stared searchingly into his face. ‘Is that why you’re here? Some kind of workaholic’s twelve-step programme? You need absolution from everybody you hurt? Not that you deserve it, not from me.’
‘I know.’
‘But as you’re asking, yes, I am happy. I’m married to a good man, a man who actually wants to be with me, who enjoys my company, who is satisfied with the life we lead. A man I love. I have a gorgeous, healthy son and a second child on the way. I’ve learned to appreciate every one of my blessings, and I am blessed.’
‘I’m glad.’ He meant every word of it. ‘You deserve it.’
Kata huffed, but after a while her face softened. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I do. It took me a while to stop being so very angry with you, to be able to trust again, but I got there.’
‘I am sorry,’ he said softly. ‘I’m not here for absolution, and probably don’t deserve it, but I am sorry.’
‘No, you don’t. But it doesn’t matter any more, Damir. I moved on a long time ago, as you can see. When I think about then, I don’t feel angry or sad. I just feel sorry for the young, naïve people we were. I’m lucky I got to have a second chance, but I don’t take my happiness for granted, I know it needs work and sacrifice and compromise on both sides.’
Kata drummed her fingers on the table, a gesture he remembered her making when she was unsure what her next step would be. ‘How’s your mother? She remarried, didn’t she?’
‘Yes, several years ago.’ He grimaced. ‘She’s exactly the same, only more so. I don’t see much of her, which is as much her choice as mine, more so maybe, but she seems happy. Her new husband is a politician, she finally gets to sit on the fundraising boards and attend the kind of events she always wanted to.’
He took a deep breath. ‘I was wrong to allow her words to poison our marriage, Kata. I know now that I didn’t cause my father’s death, his heart did. He’d been warned to take it easy and he chose not to. That was on him. It’s a tragedy, one I live with every day. But it wasn’t my fault—and it absolutely wasn’t yours, and I am so sorry I ever put that on you. You had every right to want to spend time with me, I had every right to keep weekends free to be with you. We weren’t being selfish. But putting all the blame on us, on you, freezing you out, pushing you away, that was selfish. That was wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘I know. But you still did.’ She leaned back in her chair, hands on her belly. It was strange to see her like this. Pregnancy aside she hadn’t changed, barely looking any older than the twenty-four she’d been the last time he’d seen her. ‘Why now? It’s all over and done with, ancient history. I appreciate you making the effort to apologise, but why?’
‘You’ve moved on. And I thought I had too. But while you’ve been creating a family, what have I achieved? The business is a lot bigger, sure. But I spend my evenings working alone. Money isn’t the only way of measurin
g wealth, I know that now. And when it comes to love, you are richer by far. I met someone, and in doing so I’ve had to confront a lot of things about myself I don’t like. How I behaved towards you is at the top of that list. An apology isn’t enough, I know that. But it’s heartfelt.’
She didn’t answer for a long time. ‘You’ve met someone. So, what, you’ve come to ask for my blessing?’
‘No. I don’t need or expect that. And it may be too late. I’ve hurt her too.’ His short laugh was bitter. ‘It’s a pattern, isn’t it? This time I’m going to learn from the past, I am going to try and fix things. But I couldn’t do that without some closure from before, without telling you how much I wish I could have been a better husband, a better friend, been more honest with you, especially at the end.’
‘In that case all I can say is good luck, Damir,’ Kata said softly. ‘Second chances don’t come around all that often, don’t mess this one up.’
‘Thank you, Kata.’ He pushed back his chair and got to his feet. ‘For everything.’
‘Goodbye, Damir.’
He stood for a moment, looking at the woman he no longer knew, content, happy, with a life in which he was just a footnote. And that was how it should be. He had many more chapters ahead of him, it was time to make sure they counted.
* * *
As always, the view was breath-taking, but Lily barely took it in, her eyes unfocussed and thoughts jumbled as she sat on the villa’s porch, a coffee in her hand.
She had to stop wallowing, move on. It would be so easy to revert to her old self, go back to her office and her flat, her long days at her desk, her ambition and solitude, to tell herself that she’d tried and failed. Much harder to try and understand that being impulsive, being open to new experiences and new people was bound to lead her down the wrong path sometimes. After all, that was the very reason she’d avoided doing it her whole life.
One day she might look back and recognise that it was just bad luck that her first adventure had ended so badly. Damir had obviously recognised her emotional naïveté, her vulnerability. His decision to exploit that was on him, not on her.
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