by Sharon Booth
'You don't mean it.' Honey was actually in tears. 'You wouldn't do that. Not to me.'
'Really? Watch me. I told you, I want that knighthood, and you're not going to stop me.'
Freya giggled.
Honey glared at her. 'It's not funny!'
'What, your father with a knighthood? Oh, it is funny, darling, let's be honest. Well, at least that nasty business is sorted at last. Do you mind if I return to my guests? Lunch is ruined, of course. I'll have to get the cook to make me something else.'
'Of course.' Cain bowed to the iPad. 'Thanks for your help. You'll be in touch with the details?'
'I'll email Honey the directions to Skimmerdale as soon as I have them. I can't believe we actually outfoxed her. Amazing. Congratulations, you wizened old goat.'
'Cheers you plastic old tart.'
'And now, leave me alone, for pity's sake, at least until Christmas. All right?'
'Fine by me. See you, Lady Muck. Enjoy your lunch.'
She was gone, and Honey stared at the blank screen in bewilderment. 'This can't be happening.'
'I think it is, and I think you're finally going to learn your lesson.' Cain patted her on the head. 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a rather tasty blonde waiting for me downstairs.'
****
Honey wasn't the only one in shock. As Eden heard Cain's footsteps on the stairs, and his cheery whistle as he headed off to celebrate his triumph with the lovely Roxy, it occurred to her that she was probably unemployed and homeless. If Cain was closing the shop, there wouldn't be anything for her to do. He could hardly justify keeping her on as a babysitter to Honey, especially as Eden hadn't exactly managed to keep her out of trouble so far. Although, really, what was she supposed to do? Cain had let his daughter go to his charity events, and she'd been bound to meet rich young men at them. Trust Honey to make a beeline for the married one.
'This is a catastrophe,' Honey wailed. 'My life is over.'
'Your life is far from over,' Eden assured her. 'You're talking eight weeks of minor inconvenience. Whereas I'm now out of a job and a home.'
Honey wiped away tears. 'You don't have to look after three brats and a Neanderthal. And you'll still have your mobile phone.'
Well, she had a point. Eden tutted impatiently and jogged downstairs. She had to see Cain and clarify the situation.
She knocked twice on the door of his den. When there was no response, she headed to the living room. As she walked in, she recoiled in horror. Roxy was lying on the sofa, dress pulled back to her thighs, her legs wrapped around Cain's waist as he writhed on top of her.
Eden knew she should have backed away, but she somehow managed to utter an appalled squeak before she could do so.
Roxy shrieked and lowered her legs immediately. Cain didn't move at all. He looked mildly annoyed.
'If you've come to talk me out of this, forget it. She deserves it and —'
'Never mind Honey,' Eden said. 'What about me?'
'What about you?'
Roxy grabbed a cushion and hid her face behind it. She needn't have bothered, thought Eden. It was hardly her face that was causing offence.
'If you're closing the shop, where does that leave me? Are you sacking me? If so, how much notice are you giving me? I need to find another job. I haven't even got anywhere to live. Well, I suppose I could go back to Mum and Dad's, but it's a bit embarrassing. I mean, I'm twenty-six now, for God's sake. Mind you, they're away for the summer. They're staying with my Auntie Amanda and Uncle Robin in Tenerife. They've got an apartment out there, and often invite my parents over, now Dad's retired. There's no room for me, 'cos they only have two bedrooms and there's no room to swing a cat. Not that you'd want to swing a cat, of course. Will I get severance pay? Redundancy, or whatever? How much would it be? I know I've only worked for you for three years, but I'll need a deposit for another flat, or something, and I don't know how long I'll have to wait before I find another job. I suppose I could ask Gavin if he's got any shifts. I mean, it's a bit cheeky. I haven't been near The Red Lion for three years, but at least I know the work and how he runs the place, and he never could keep staff. Oh, crap. This is awful.'
Roxy lowered the cushion and peered at her. Cain's mouth dropped open. It wasn't an attractive sight, Eden thought.
After a moment's hesitation, he gave a huge sigh and shifted himself off Roxy. Turning round to zip up his leather trousers, while she frantically made herself respectable, he muttered about bleeding women, and how they'd be the death of him, and he should have had a vasectomy after the first four kids and saved himself a lot of trouble.
She supposed Honey was a bit more difficult than his other children, to be fair. Actually, there was no suppose about it. Scarlet and Jed were the eldest and had gone back to America after the divorce, with their Texan ex-model mother, Lowri, who was Cain's first wife. Scarlet had become an actress and Jed played in a band, though neither had made it big. They rarely saw their father, though they did send cards and gifts to Honey at Christmas and on her birthday, which Eden thought was rather nice of them, given that — unbelievably — they'd never actually met her face to face. Her other sister, Emerald, was the daughter of Cain's second wife, Cassandra, and she was a hippy who was off somewhere in Europe, discovering herself. She'd met Honey a few times but made it clear she disapproved of her and never bothered with her. Then there was Marcus, the illegitimate son of Cain's mistress, Sandy, who had got herself pregnant while he was still married to Cassandra, and just before he met Freya. Marcus was only five years older than Honey but completely different. He worked for a bank, had a wife called Janette who worked for a dentist, and had a little boy called Justin who was doing well at nursery and was already learning to play the recorder. Honey despised Marcus, though he was always perfectly pleasant to her and sent her a birthday and Christmas card every year, complete with a twenty-pound gift token for Debenhams, much to her disgust.
'Right.' Cain turned around to face Eden and put his hands on his hips.
She bit her lip, trying not to laugh. A bit of his shirt was poking through his zip, his heavily lacquered blond hair stuck up like the comb of a cockerel, and his mascara had smudged — the mascara he absolutely on no account ever wore, of course. He looked a complete fright. Even more than usual.
'So, you want me to keep the shop open just to suit you?' he asked.
'Well, no, but if the shop's closed, what will I do?'
'Maybe you should've thought about that when you were keeping secrets from me. Enough's enough. Taking the piss, she is, and she don't need you helping her. I'm proper miffed with you about this, Eden, I won't lie. You should have told me, and I could have stopped it before it got this far.' He sighed. 'Look, you're a good girl. You've never caused me any bother, until now, and you've kept your mouth shut about the comings and goings in this house, so I tell you what. While Honey's serving her time in the wilds of Yorkshire, you can have a holiday on full pay. Then, when she gets back, I'll see how the land lies. There may be something you can do, there may not. It's a question of trust, see? Can't make promises I can't keep, now can I?'
'I suppose not.' Eden knew she should push him for a firm answer. This was her future they were talking about, after all. But, after three years, she knew all too well that when Cain was in a bad mood, there was no reasoning with him. He was more likely to get even more annoyed and sack her just to make his point.
'Well, then, are we done? Can you push off now? I'm a bit busy, if you get my drift.'
Roxy put the cushion to her face again, and Eden nodded and left. As she closed the door, she heard Cain say, 'Now then, sweet cheeks. Open up and let the dog see the rabbit.'
Eden tutted. Just the sort of line you'd expect from a prospective knight of the realm.
****
'This is the worst thing that could ever have happened to me!' Honey was lying on her bed, staring in horror at her iPad. 'Have you seen this? It's a nightmare. My life is over. I don't care what you say. Shoot me no
w.'
'As tempting as that offer is, Honey,' Eden said, 'I seriously doubt things are that bad. By the way, your dad's not able to say if I'll still have a job in two months' time. Thanks for asking.'
Honey didn't even pretend to be interested. Instead, she pushed the iPad towards Eden and rolled over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling and muttering, 'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' over and over again.
Eden picked up the iPad and peered at the screen. Evidently, Honey had been Googling information about the area of Yorkshire she was being banished to.
'Skimmerdale? Never heard of it.'
'No one's heard of it. It's the end of the earth,' Honey wailed dramatically. 'They may as well be sending me to Tibet, or the Antarctic, or somewhere. There's nothing there but sheep.'
Eden flicked through some images. 'Oh, Honey, it's pretty,' she said. 'Look at the fields and the hills, and the lovely old stone buildings. And it says there are wildflower meadows in Skimmerdale between May and early July. What a shame you've just missed them. Look at the colours!'
Honey gaped at her, and Eden wondered what on earth she'd been thinking. As if Honey would give a fig about wildflowers.
'It's definitely wilder than the Cotswolds,' Eden admitted, 'but that's not necessarily a bad thing, is it? It says Skimmerdale is one of the most northerly dales. The River Skimmer runs from the Pennines through the valley, to the town of Kirkby Skimmer, which is famed for its ruined Benedictine abbey, which stands high up on Mikkel Rigg, a huge hill that shelters the town. Skimmerdale is dotted with tiny riverside hamlets and villages, but sheep far outnumber the human inhabitants, though it attracts many tourists, mainly walkers, especially in the summer months.'
'Have you quite finished?' Honey sat up and snatched the iPad off her.
'I was only trying to cheer you up.'
'Cheer me up? Did you see any mention of a Whistles? A Jo Malone? A Jigsaw, for God's sake?'
They lived in the pretty village of Upper Bourbury, in a house made of golden Cotswolds stone, with a view to die for, a tennis court, a sunroom, a hot tub, an outdoor swimming pool, and an expanse of lawn that Snarler took great delight in racing up and down on in his sit-on lawnmower — yet the only positive thing Honey would ever say about living in such a place was that she was more or less midway between Cheltenham and Oxford, and could whizz to either town in less than forty minutes to make full use of her credit cards.
At least once a month, she would catch the train to London and return loaded down with goods she swore she couldn't live without and which simply weren't available in the provinces. Her favourite day out was a trip to Bicester Village, and the only time she ever agreed to visit her mother in Brighton was if she was promised free rein in the shops. Eden had only ever heard her tell her father she loved him once, and that had been when he'd paid for her and her friends to go to New York for a shopping weekend, for her twenty-first.
If the beauty of the gentle Cotswolds didn't delight her, the wild Yorkshire Dales weren't going to appeal, either. For the first time, Eden realised how badly the situation was going to affect Honey. Then again, it might do her some good. Make her realise there was more to life than maxing out credit cards.
'You have to think about that poor man and his three children,' she reminded Honey. 'They've lost a wife and mother. Can you imagine how that feels?'
'That was two years ago. I'm sure they're over it by now,' she said.
'Over it? How can they be over it? I cried just saying goodbye to Mum and Dad for the summer,' Eden said. 'If anything happened to your mother, how would you feel?'
'Depends what she left me, I suppose,' said Honey, flicking her hair thoughtfully. 'I've been promised the Brighton house, but she keeps threatening to leave the Chelsea place to my crawling cousin. If she does, there'll be hell to pay. I'll contest the will, that's for sure.'
'Honey!' Even after three years of living with her, she still managed to shock Eden. 'That's your mother you're talking about.'
'Oh, for God's sake, Eden. She's hardly been the most maternal of women, has she? Couldn't wait to palm me off on Dad as soon as she could. And she spent most of my childhood dragging me abroad, to various lovers' yachts, or to their Spanish villas or New York penthouses. I was stuck with their dreary relatives, or a nanny, while she had a great time with her latest shag. Don't expect me to feel any great pull of love for her, because I don't. And, anyway, don't change the subject.'
'I wasn't aware I had.'
'The subject was, how do I get out of this bloody torture? Because, I'll tell you here and now, I'm not going. Hell will freeze over before I spend my precious summer in Withering Heights with some miserable git and his three sobbing kids. Crispin and I had it all planned. Almost two months of bliss together during his summer recess, while Lavinia is in a villa in Portugal.'
'You'd never have got away with it,' Eden said. 'You couldn't sneak off with him for that length of time without someone seeing you. Where would you have gone?'
'That's the point,' she wailed. 'We were going to be completely safe. Crispin's sister has a lovely holiday home in Dorset. It has its own private beach. We'd have been alone for the whole summer.'
'Crispin's sister was going to let you use her home to cheat on his wife? Charming.'
'She adores Crispin and says Lavinia's a bitch. Her husband's an old grump and wouldn't allow it, of course, but they're going to Italy for the summer, so he'll never know. Sybil's let the cleaner go for the summer, too, so there's no problem there. It would have been perfect, but now my stupid parents have gone and ruined everything. What am I going to do?'
She gave a strangled sob, and Eden almost felt sorry for her, except that she was planning to do the dirty with a married man, and Eden could hardly condone that. Plus, she knew Honey too well. This wasn't because she was in love, or anything so romantic. She viewed the whole thing as a joke, a way of getting something over on someone else. It would be the thrill of fooling his wife and her parents that excited her, not the idiotic Crispin.
'Well, there's nothing you can do about it, so you may as well get used to the fact that you're spending your summer in Skimmerdale,' Eden said.
Honey glared at her and opened her mouth as if to speak, but Eden didn't find out what she'd been about to say because, at that moment, a sound rumbled through the house like Thor himself was throwing a temper tantrum.
She and Honey stared at each other in dread. 'What now?' Eden said.
Honey jumped up and ran to the window, then turned back and shook her head. 'You're for it, Eden. He's seen the Rolls.'
'What? Oh, shit!'
With the mood Cain was in already, the damage to the car would be the last straw. He wouldn't even consider keeping her on. She'd be fired, and it was her own fault. She should never have let Joshua in the car, never mind allowed him to start it. Joshua would be dragged through the courts. Or dragged down the street by his genitals. How could she ever pay back the money it would cost to repair two such expensive cars?
Shaking, she stared at Honey with terrified eyes.
Honey flopped back on the bed and grabbed Eden's hand. 'Right. Here's the deal. I'll take the rap for you. I'll say it was down to me. I'll keep you and the eunuch out of it.'
'Why would you do that?'
'Simple. You have to go to Skimmerdale in my place.'
'What? Don't be ridiculous. It would never work.'
'Why not? I've never met Old MacDonald. He doesn't sound the sort to read the newspapers, and he probably doesn't own a mobile phone. There's not even a decent internet connection. He won't know, or care, who I am, or what I look like. As long as someone turns up to look after his brats and is roughly my age and answers to the name of Honey Carmichael, he won't ask questions. Then I can go off to stay with Crispin, and the evil parents will be satisfied, thinking I'm safely out of the way under lock and key in Yorkshire. It's the perfect plan. Say yes.'
'No! I can't! Honey, this is ridiculous.'
'Oh? Had plans
for the summer, did you?'
'I — I was going to stay at Mum and Dad's.'
'They're in Tenerife. You told me so! They won't miss you. And Dad's given you the summer off. No one will know where you are. It's the only solution, unless you want to get landed with a huge repair bill, go to court, and definitely get the sack. Up to you, of course.'
Eden could barely think straight. She was all too aware of the sound of Cain's footsteps thundering up the stairs. Having seen him in a temper and knowing it was not a pretty sight, she shook from head to foot. Add his beloved Rolls Royce to the equation, and she dreaded to think what might happen.
'Go along with it,' Honey said, as the door flew open and there he stood.
'Well?'
His voice rumbled around the room. His face was mauve. His watery blue eyes bulging. His nostrils were quivering.
Eden watched in dumb silence, hardly daring to breathe.
Honey shrugged. 'Well, what?'
'Well, what? Well, what? Who pranged me Roller?' He turned his gaze on Eden, and she saw the tiny red veins spidering across the whites of his eyes. If he'd suddenly sprouted fangs, it wouldn't have surprised her. 'Was this your fella? The dopey looking git I saw sitting in the Beetle earlier on?'
'I — I —'
'No, it wasn't.' Honey flicked back her hair and faced him with an admirable lack of concern. 'It was me.'
'You? How was it you? You weren't even driving.'
'Actually, I was. When I got back from my friend's, Eden and, er, whatshisname, were standing on the drive. Eden warned me you were on the warpath, and I panicked. I decided to clear off, so I jumped in the Beetle and tried to make a getaway. Unfortunately, my mind was so preoccupied, worrying about you and how you'd react, that I made a basic mistake and managed to smash straight into your car instead. In a way, it was a good thing.'
'A good thing? How the bleeding hell was it a good thing?'
'Well, if I'd got away, I may not have come back, knowing your dreadful temper. As it was, I had no escape and had to face the music, and you got your own way in the end, didn't you? It all worked out beautifully for you.'