The Docklands Girls

by June Tate

  ‘There were times I think he’d have liked to use it on me,’ Belle teased.

  ‘Not really, love,’ he replied. He looked at Simon. ‘These two are a force to be reckoned with, you know.’

  Simon burst out laughing. ‘I knew that from the beginning, what took you so long?’

  At the end of the day Belle and Tom waved their friends goodbye as the ferry left the dock and, as they walked away, Tom said wistfully, ‘They’ll make great parents.’

  ‘Yes, they will,’ she said quietly, knowing that Tom would have liked children of his own. But she had been adamant that she was in no way maternal. It was perhaps the only major thing that they disagreed about. She cast a glance in his direction. It was a great shame really because Tom would make a great father, she was sure of that.

  That night in bed, curled up in Tom’s arms, she tried to make sense of her own feelings about motherhood. Throughout her life on the streets, the last thing any brass wanted was to fall pregnant. Some of the girls had and had to resort to back street abortionists, a thing she was terrified of. Was that at the root of her problem? Was it a problem? Not all women wanted children, did they? Was she unusual? Was there something wrong with her? So many questions filled her mind. At the same time she saw the joy that the news had given Cora, Simon … and Tom. But she was denying him the thing he really longed for.

  Belle did not sleep well that night.

  It was June and the government had declared that food rationing was to be cut. Tinned meat was cut to two pence worth a week, but thankfully the sweet ration was up five ounces from four and the extra sugar was to be allowed for jam-making. Belle found catering for her guests was a nightmare. She still kept chickens, one lot for the eggs and others for the table. Rabbit and fish made up the shortages.

  Tom sympathised with his customers who complained bitterly, but he too was bearing the brunt of the shortages. It was a difficult time for everyone and they longed for the end to it all.

  To add to all the problems, Belle was unwell. She thought she must have eaten something to upset her stomach as she was being sick and eventually Tom insisted she visit the doctor.

  In the doctor’s surgery she told him of her symptoms. He listened carefully.

  ‘When did you last have your period, Mrs Harrison?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, they’ve never been regular,’ then she thought and added, ‘my last one was very light.’

  The doctor then told her to lay on the couch and he would examine her. ‘Remove your underwear,’ he said.

  When the examination was over, he left her to dress, then when she sat down before him, he smiled at her.

  ‘I have some good news for you. You’re pregnant! Congratulations!’

  She looked shocked. ‘But how can that be? I’ve had a show, a bit haphazardly it’s true.’

  ‘That’s not unusual,’ he said. ‘Some women have a show all through their pregnancy.’ Seeing the look of consternation on her face, he asked, ‘Is this not good news?’

  ‘I always said I didn’t want children. I’m not a bit maternal!’

  He chuckled. ‘Women who have told me that have always turned out to be great mothers. Trust me, you’ll feel differently when you first hold your baby in your arms. Sometime in January according to my calculations.’

  Belle left the surgery in shock. She walked to the beach and sat on a bench listening to the waves sweep in. Well Tom will be pleased, she thought, but she was finding it hard to accept the fact that she was expecting. Tom had always taken precautions so how could this happen? Then she remembered when they’d been out for the evening and had quite a lot to drink and had gone to bed for a night of passion … that night Tom hadn’t used precautions, she remembered now. She also remembered the joy on Cora’s face when she told them she was pregnant. Why didn’t she feel the same?

  She rose from the bench and walked home.

  That evening after she’d fed her guests and cleared away, she and Tom sat in the kitchen and had their meal, as was their habit.

  ‘Did you go to the doctor?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, I did.’

  ‘What did he say was wrong with you?’

  ‘He told me I was pregnant.’

  Tom nearly choked on his coffee. ‘He what?’

  ‘You heard me. I’m expecting a baby, sometime in January, the doctor said.’

  Tom got to his feet and walked round the table and put his arms around her.

  ‘Oh Belle, that’s wonderful news. We’ll be a family.’ Then he looked at her. ‘Aren’t you happy about this?’

  She looked at the man she loved and saw how thrilled he was and felt ashamed that she couldn’t feel the same. ‘I don’t know how I feel, to be honest. I’m in shock.’

  He took her hands in his. ‘What are you scared of, Belle?’

  ‘I wish I knew.’ Tears brimmed her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Tom. I know how much you’ve longed for a child, well now you’ll have one!’

  ‘No, darling, we’ll have one. Oh Belle, it’s going to be alright, I promise. This child is born out of love. Maybe it wasn’t planned, but you’ll see you will learn that motherhood isn’t something to be scared of. A child brings such joy with it, you will love it.’

  ‘But, Tom … what if I don’t?’

  It was his turn to be shocked. ‘I don’t believe you just said that!’

  ‘But it’s a possibility. I’ve never wanted children. I don’t mind other people’s, but I don’t have a maternal bone in my body!’

  He was at a loss as to how to cope with her. ‘But you care about people. Look how you gave Cora a wedding, taking her mother’s place, now if that wasn’t feeling maternal I don’t know what is.’

  ‘But she was my friend. I’m sorry, darling, I just have to get used to the idea, that’s all. You will just have to give me time. Come on, I’m tired, let’s go to bed.’

  As she lay in Tom’s arms that night, Belle tried to come to terms with her approaching motherhood. At least she’d be able to see the season through. Then she silently berated herself for putting her business before the child she was now carrying. But she was a business woman. She’d worked hard to get where she was and she had no intention of giving up her dream. How would a baby fit in with her life? Her thoughts were driving her crazy.

  Eventually she slept but was beset with dreams. She was trying to serve her customers whilst pushing a pram and the child wouldn’t stop crying.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Belle was fully booked all summer long and she was tired. Even with her help, by the end of the day she was shattered. It was now September and she was nearing the end of her bookings and for once she wasn’t sorry. Six months pregnant, she was looking forward to a rest.

  Tom was felicitous, worrying that she was doing too much, but she brushed his remarks aside. ‘I have a business to run, the baby will just have to get used to it!’ she snapped. He said nothing more.

  During the intervening months, they hardly talked about the child. Tom had tried, but Belle didn’t show any great interest. He’d been to see the doctor about it he’d been so concerned.

  The doctor had listened and had said that somewhere in Belle’s subconscious had to be the reason for her fears, but without sending her to a psychiatrist, they wouldn’t be able to get to the bottom of it.

  Tom knew that Belle would never agree to that and said so.

  ‘Wait until she has the baby,’ the doctor advised. ‘If then she feels the same, we have a problem. Just be patient and don’t push her.’

  Tom then rang Cora.

  She listened and said, ‘I’ll take a few days off and come over. Please stop worrying, Tom. We’ll sort it out one way or another. Is there a room free? If not I’ll book into a hotel.’

  He assured her there was room and hung up. He felt more hopeful. Belle and Cora were so close and had been through so much together if anyone was able to get through to his wife it would be her friend.

  When the phone rang that eveni
ng, Belle answered it.

  ‘Hello Belle, it’s Cora.’

  ‘Hello love, how are you?’

  ‘Feeling a bit tired and in need of a rest and friendly gossip. I have a few days off. Do you have a room free?’

  Belle was delighted. ‘I do, it’s free now. When can you come?’

  ‘How about tomorrow?’

  ‘Great, I’ll get it ready. Oh Cora, it’ll be lovely to see you.’ She put the phone down and went to find Tom.

  ‘Tom, Cora’s coming over tomorrow for a few days.’

  He feigned surprise. ‘That’s great, it’ll be so nice to see her again.’ He was delighted to see Belle looking happy and silently prayed that this visit would help Belle to come to terms with having a baby.

  Belle fussed around preparing a room for her friend. The two guests she had were leaving the next day so she’d be free to spend time with Cora and she was so looking forward to it.

  Cora arrived the following afternoon. The journey had tired her so she settled in her room and took a nap after having a quick cup of tea. Belle was too excited and quickly made a few scones with some dried fruit she’d saved. She’d been surprised to see how much bigger Cora’s bump was than hers but then, of course, she was two months further into her pregnancy than she was, but apart from looking tired from the journey, Cora looked blooming.

  After Cora’s nap, they drank tea in the kitchen and ate the freshly made scones.

  ‘This reminds me of the old days, when I eventually came to work with you,’ Cora said. ‘They were good times, weren’t they?’

  Belle chortled. ‘They were indeed.’

  ‘And look at us now, Belle, both married, both pregnant, who’d have thought it?’

  ‘Who indeed,’ said Belle, the smile fading, which Cora ignored.

  ‘Are you free tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes, the last of my guests checked out this morning and the girls cleaned the room and washed the linen, so I can spend time with you.’

  ‘Good. I’d like to go into Cowes if you don’t mind, we can get a sandwich and a coffee somewhere, and I want to do some shopping.’

  Belle grinned broadly. ‘I don’t remember when I last did that, I’ve been so busy since Easter.’

  ‘Then you need the break more than me,’ laughed her friend. ‘Bring some money and we’ll celebrate. Have you any clothing coupons, if so bring those, after all you never know what you’ll see.’

  When Tom came home at the end of the day he was delighted to see his Belle looking so cheerful and when he knew they were going shopping the next day, he gave Belle some money to treat herself.

  It was the end of September and the sun was shining with a cool breeze off the sea, but the two women didn’t seem to notice the chill. The bus dropped them off in Cowes and they stopped for a coffee before shopping.

  ‘Gracious Belle, I’ll be pleased when the baby is born and I get my figure back,’ said Cora as she drank from her cup.

  ‘That will be a bonus,’ Belle agreed. ‘I found my bump got in the way when I was working. I forgot to allow for it,’ she laughed.

  ‘Well thank goodness that baby clothes for those under four months don’t need clothing coupons as I want to buy some more for junior,’ she said patting her stomach. ‘Have you had time to shop for your baby? I know you’ve been busy.’

  ‘No, I haven’t had the time,’ Belle said dismissively.

  ‘Well we’d better put that right today. Hurry up and drink up, we’ve got lots to do.’

  Belle wasn’t enthusiastic but finished her drink.

  Cora had already checked out the baby shops before she came so she led Belle along the street to one and they stopped and looked at the display in the window.

  ‘Oh, will you look at that,’ she pointed to a dress and matinee set with bootees and bonnet to match. ‘Isn’t that adorable?’

  Belle had to agree.

  ‘Come on then, let’s go inside. I refuse to buy blue or pink, it’s bound to be the wrong colour. I’m sticking to white as that’s safer.’

  Egged on by her friend, Belle, despite her reticence, began sorting through the baby clothes that looked so small and delicate. She ended up buying several outfits and enjoying doing so to her great surprise. Then she purchased some vests and looking at them suddenly began to think that her baby would be small and vulnerable if she was to fit in them, then realised that she was referring to the baby as a she – in her mind. For the first time since she was told she was pregnant, she began to accept the reality of carrying a child. Before it was just a fact, like having to make the beds, order vegetables, something on a list of things to do … have a baby. The only concession she had made was to use her green ration book for pregnant women and take the free orange juice and extra pint of milk. Tom insisted she take the vitamin A and D tablets she’d been issued, which she’d done. But even when she had felt the baby move, it had been more of a nuisance than something to wonder at. But still deep inside she was terrified that when she eventually gave birth, she wouldn’t be able to love the baby.

  The women paid for their purchases then found a cafe and ordered a sandwich and coffee, piling their shopping bags on an empty chair beside them.

  Cora removed her coat and sighed. ‘Thank goodness for a seat!’ She put her hand on her swollen stomach. ‘I swear I’m carrying a footballer in here, because this baby won’t keep still. What about yours?’

  ‘It kicks Tom in the back when we’re in bed,’ she confessed. ‘He thinks it’s marvellous.’

  ‘And you, Belle, what do you think?’

  ‘I try not to,’ she said, her voice trembling slightly.

  ‘What’s wrong, Belle?’ Cora asked. ‘What are you afraid of? I’ve never seen you like this in all the years I’ve known you, please tell me. I can’t bear to see you like this – this isn’t the woman I know at all.’

  Taking a deep breath, Belle told her what was on her mind. ‘I’ve never wanted children. I’m not like these women who coo over every baby they see in a pram. They have never featured in my dreams of a future. I have what I worked for – my business, now I’m married again, another thing I didn’t imagine. I’ve no regrets about that – but a baby? I’m not sure I really want a child. Becoming pregnant was a mistake, it certainly wasn’t planned for. But even worse … what if when it’s born, I can’t bond with it? That will break Tom’s heart.’

  Cora was lost for words. How could she help her friend, what could she say to allay her fears? Then she remembered Belle telling her a few years ago how she came to be on the game.

  ‘Do you think it has anything to do with your mother kicking you out when you were a teenager, you know when she discovered that the vicar had seduced you? Could that be behind your fears?’

  ‘I really don’t know. She couldn’t have loved me to do a thing like that, could she?’

  ‘But you’re not your mother, Belle! I’ve never known anyone with such a big heart. You care about people, look how you watched over me, how you mothered the younger prostitutes – the way you nursed Tom. How could you not love the baby you and Tom have created, even if it wasn’t planned?’

  Belle blinked away the tears in her eyes. ‘I just hope you’re right, Cora, I just hope you’re right.’

  During the following three days, Belle relaxed and enjoyed the company of her friend. She laughed as they reminisced about old times, walked on the beach, went to the pictures and she began to blossom. It was as if all restraints had been moved and she was her old self again.

  She had shown Tom the baby clothes she’d bought and then put them away in a drawer. He’d admired them and, taking her into his arms, had held her close, without saying a word, but she knew he was pleased. Then after Cora had returned to London, Tom had taken her shopping for a cradle for the baby.

  She was quiet when they were in the shop choosing, but Tom didn’t push her, just let her choose the one she wanted, paid the bill and put the cradle into the back of the van. Then when they got home, he
put it away until it was time to use it. They waited to buy a pram. Belle was insistent that it was unlucky to buy one until the baby had been born, so he said they’d wait.

  In November, Cora gave birth to a son. Simon rang with the good news. He said, ‘Cora said to tell you that she was right: she had that footballer after all.’

  Belle smiled as she remembered their conversation.

  At Christmas, Tom helped her do the cooking as he didn’t want to tire her. There was just the two of them and Belle knew how much he was trying to help her cope with having his child and was grateful, but couldn’t find the words to thank him.

  Hildy had written enclosing photos of her, Milt and their child inside a Christmas card. She gazed at the pictures and was thrilled to see how happy they looked. Both her friends now had their family, it would soon be her turn and she was still uncertain.

  It was in the middle of January, a few days before her due date that Belle’s labour pains began in the small hours of the morning and she woke Tom, who rang the hospital. He helped Belle to dress, picked up the small suitcase that had been packed in readiness and drove his wife to the hospital. He waited until she was settled and was allowed to sit with her, to support her as the pains increased. He held her hand, talking softly, trying to sooth her, keep her calm until the nurse ushered him outside into the waiting room next door.

  Before he left, he leant over and kissed Belle. ‘I love you, darling, this will be over soon. I’ll be waiting outside until then.’

  During the following hours, Tom walked up and down, cringed as he could hear the cries of pain coming from his wife’s room, then smiled as he heard her swear. He held his breath when things went quiet and stood rigid as he heard Belle being told to push.

  At long last, he heard the cry of a baby. ‘Thank God,’ he murmured and wiped the sweat from his brow.

  Shortly after, a nurse came out and said, ‘You can come in now, Mr Harrison. You have a daughter. Congratulations.’