Barrie, J M - Tillyloss Scandal

by Tillyloss Scandal

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  can call to mind the competition for best- dressed Hielander. The Hielanders stands in their glory in a row, and the grand leddies picks out the best-dressed one. Weel, the com- petitors tries to look as if they didna ken they were being admired, implying as they're in- different to whether they get the prize or no, bnt, all the time, there's a sort of pleased smirk on their faces, mixed up with a natural anxiety. Ay, then, that's the look Tammas Haggart had when he passed my shop."

  " But ye saw a change come ower him, did ye no ? "

  " I did. I was among them as ran after him along the Tenements, and, though I just saw his back, it wasna the back he had on when he passed my shop. I would say, judg- ing from his back, as his chest was sticking out, and he walked with a sort of strut, like the Hielander as has won the prize and kens it would be a haver to make pretence of modesty ony more."

  " But ye never saw me look back, Pete," Haggart said, when Lambie's version was pre- sented to him.

  " Na, it was astonishing how he could have

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  kept frae turning your head. Ye was like one unaware that there was sich a crowd running after ye."

  " Ay, lad, but very weel I kent for all that. Thinks I to mysel' as I walks on before ye * This scene winna be forgotten for many a year/ "

  " And it will not, Tammas. It did the work of the town for a nine days. Ay, I've often said myself that you walked hame that nicht more like a circus procession than a single man. The only thing I a kind of shake my head at is your saying ye wasna a humorist at that time."

  "I didna just gang that length, Pete. I was a humorist and I wasna a humorist. My humor was just peeping out of its hole like a rabbit, as ye micht say."

  " Ye said as when ye started on your wan- derings it was like putting yoursel', considered as a humorist, on the fire to boil. Weel, then, I say as ye had come aboil when ye marched through Thrums."

  " Na, Lookaboutyou, it's an ingenious argu- ment that ; but ye've shot ower the top of the target, lad. Ye've all seen water so terrible

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  near the boil that if ye touch it with your finger it does begin to boil ?"

  " Ay, that's true ; but a spoon is better to touch it with, in case you burn your finger."

  Lookaboutyou got a laugh for this, which annoyed Tammas.

  " Take care, Lookaboutyou," he said, warn- ingly, " or I'll let ye see as my humor can burn too. I ken a sarcastic thing to say to ye, my

  man."

  " But what about the water so near the boil ? " asked Hobart, while Lookaboutyou shrunk back.

  " My humor was in that condition," said Hag- gart, still eyeing the foolish farmer threat- eningly, " when I came back to Thrums. It just needed a touch to make it boil."

  " And, sal, it got the touch ! "

  " Ay, I admit that ; but no till the Monday."

  We go back to the march from the Roods to Tillyloss. In less time than it would have taken Haggart to bring his sarcastic shaft from the depths where he stowed these things and fire it into Lookaboutyou, he had walked trium- phantly to Tillyloss, and turned up the road that was presently to be named after him.

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  Ki3 tail of f ellow-townsmen came to a stop at the pump, where they had a good view of Haggart's house, all but a few daring ones, nearly all women, who ran up the dyke, in hope of witnessing the meeting with Chirsty.

  "I suppose, lads," Haggart said to us, "that ye're thinking my arrival at Tillyloss was the crowning moment of my glory ? "

  " It was bound to be."

  66 So ye think, Andrew ; but that just shows how little ye ken about the human heart. I got as far as Tillyloss terribly windy at the way ye had honored me ; but, lads, something came ower me at sicht of that auld outside stair. Ay, it had a michty hame-like look."

  " I 've heard tell ye stopped and gazed at it, like grand folk admiring the view."

  " Ay, lathies, I daursay I did so ; but it wasna the view I was thinking about. I'll warrant ye couldna say what was in my mind ? "

  "Your funeral?"

  " I never gave it a thocht. Na, but I'll tell ye : I was thinking of Chirsty Todd."

  " Ay, and the startle she was to get ? "

  " No, Snecky ; it's an astonishing thing, but the moment my e'en saw that outside stair I

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  completely lost heart, and frae being lifted up with pride, down goes my courage like a bucket in a well. Was it the stair as terrified me ? Na, it was Chirsty Todd. Lads, I faced the whole drove of ye as bold as a king sitting down at the head of his tea table; but the thocht of Chirsty Todd brochfc my legs to a stop. Ay, for all we may say to the contrairy, is there a man in Thrums as hasna a kind of fear of his wife ? "

  At this question Haggart's listeners usually looked different ways.

  " Lads," continued Tammas, " it ran through me suddenly, like a cold blast of wind ' What if Chirsty shouldna be glad to see me back ? ' and I regretted michty that I hadna halved the guineas with her. Ay, I tell ye openly, as I found mysel' getting smaller, like a gas-ball with a hole in it, and I a kind of lost sight of all I had to boast of. I was ashamed of mysel' and also in mortal terror of Chirsty Todd. Ay, but I never let her ken that : na, na ; a man has to be wary about what he tells his wife."

  " He has so, for she's sure to fling it at him by and by like a wet clout. Women has ter-

  A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL. 77 rible memories for what ye blurt out to them."

  " Ye' re repeating my words, Rob, as i they were your own ; but what ye say is true. Women doesna understand about men's minds being prof ounder than theirs, and consequently waur to manage."

  " That's so, and it's a truth ye daurna men- tion to them. But ye was come to the outside stair, Tammas."

  66 Ay, I was. Lads, I climbed that stair all of a tremble, and my hand was shaking so muckle that for a minute I couldna turn the handle of the door."

  66 We saw as ye a sort of tottered."

  " Ay, I was uneasy ; and even when the door opened I didna just venture inside. Na, I had a feeling as it was a judicious thing to keep a grip of the door. Weel, lathies, I stood there keeking in, and what does I see but Chirsty Todd sitting into the fire, with my auld pipe in her mouth. Ay, there she sat blasting."

  " How did that affect ye, Tammas? "

  "How did it affect me? It angered me most michty to see her enjoying hersel', and me thocht to be no more."

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  " ' Ye heartless limmer,' 1 says to mysel', and that reminds me as a man is master in his own house, so I bangs the door to and walks in."

  "Wha spoke first?"

  " Oh, I spoke first. I spoke just as her een lichted on me."

  " Ye had said a memorable thing ? "

  " I canna say I did. No, Pete. I just gave her a sly kind of look, and I says, «Ay, Chirsty.' '

  " She screamed, they say ? "

  " She did so, and the pipe fell from her mouth. Ay, it's a gratification to me to ken that she did scream."

  " And what happened next ? "

  " She spyed at me suspiciously ; and says she, ' Tammas Haggart, are you in the flesh ? ' to which I replies, ( I am so, Chirsty.' ( Then/ cries she sharply, ' take your dirty feet off my clean floor ! '

  And did ye ? "

  " Ay, I put them on the fender ; and she cries, * Take your dirty feet off the fender.'

  " Lads, I thocht it was best to sing small, so I took off my boots, and she sat glowering at me, but never speaking. e Ay, Chirsty,' I says, ' ye've had rain I'm thinking ; ' and

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  she says, ' The rain's neither here nor there ; the question is, How did you break out ? ' Ay, the crittur thocht I had broken out of my grave."

  " We all thocht that."

  66 Nat'rally ye did. Weel, I began my story at the beginning, but with the impatience of a woman she aye said, ' I dinna want to hear that, I want to ken how you
broke out ! ' "

  " But she wanted to hear about the siller in the buttons ? "

  " Ay, but I tried to slither ower the but- tons, fearing she would be mad at me for spending them. And, losh, mad she was ! I explained to her as I put them to good use by improving my mind, but she says, ' Dinna blather about your mind to me, or I'll take the poker to ye ! ' Chirsty was always fond of language."

  " But what about the Well-wisher ? "

  " Oh, that was a queery. I says to Chirsty, 6 1 did not forget your sufferings, Chirsty, for I'm the Well-wisher.' At first she didna un- derstand, but then she minds and says, « It was you as sent that bit cheese with D.

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  Fittis, was it ? ' Lads, then it came out as the cheese was standing in the press un- touched* Ay, I tore it in twa with my hands, and out rolls the guinea. She had never dreamed of there being siller in the cheese."

  " Na, she was terrified to touch the cheese. I mind when I could have bocht it frae her for twa or three bawbees. Ay, what chances a body misses. But she had been pleasanter with ye after she got the guinea ? "

  " I can hardly say that. She nipped it up quick, and tells me to go on with my story. Weel, I did so in a leisurely way, her aye nag- ging at me to come to the quarry, as I soon had to do. I need scarce tell ye she was michty surprised it wasna me ye buried, but, after that was cleared up, I saw her mind wasna on what I was saying to her. No, lads, I was the length of Dundee in my story when she jumps up, and away she goes to the lowest shelf in the dresser. I stopped in my talk and watched her. She pulls out the iron and lays it on the table, then she shoves a heater into the fire, and brings an auld dicky out of a drawer. Lads, I had a presentment what she was after."

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  " ' What are ye doing, Chirsty ? ' I says with misgivings.

  " ' Tin to iron a dicky for ye to wear to- morrow/ she cries, and she kicks my foot off the fender.

  " ( I'm no going to the kirk/ I warns her.

  " ' Are ye no ? ' says she ; ' ye gang twice, Tammas Haggart, though the Auld Licht minister has to drive ye to the door with a stick/

  " Ay, when I heard she had joined the Auld Lichts I kent I was done with lazy Sabbaths. Weel, she ironed away at that dicky with tremendous energy, and then all at once she lays down the iron and she cries,

  " ' Keeps us all, I had forgotten ! ' She was the picture of woe.

  What's the matter, Chirsty ? ' I says.

  «u She stood there wringing her hands.

  " ' Ye canna gang to the kirk/ she moans. ( for ye have no clothes.'

  " ' No clothes ! ' I cries. ' I have my blacks.'

  " ( They're gone/ she says.

  " ' Gone, ye limmer ! ' 1 says, ' wha has them ? '

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  " ' Davit Whamand,' she says ' has the coat, and Hender Haggart the waistcoat and the hat.'

  " Ay, lads, I can tell ye this composedly now, but I was fuming at the time. Chirsty's passion for genteelity was such that she had imitated grand folk's customs and given away the clothes as had been worn by the corpse."

  " That came of taking a wife frae Bal- ribbie."

  " Ay, and it's not the only proof of Chirsty's vanity, for, as ye all ken, she continued to wear her crape to the kirk long after I came back."

  " Because she thocht it set her ? "

  " Ou, rather, just because she had it. But it was aggravating to me to have to walk with her to the kirk, and her in widow's crapes. It would have provoked an ordinary man to the drink."

  " It would so, but what said ye when ye heard the blacks was gone ? "

  " Said ? It wasna a time for saying. I shoved my feet into my boots and flung on my bonnet, and hurries to the door.

  " c Whaur are ye going ? ' cries Chirsty.

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  " ' To demand back my blacks/ I says, dashing open the door with my fist. Ye may mind there was some of ye keeking in at the door and the window, trying to hearken to the conversation."

  " Ay, and we flew f rae ye as if ye was the Riot Act. But we was thinking by that time as ye micht be a sort of living."

  " Maybe, but I wasna thinking about you. Na, it was the blacks as was on my mind, and away I goes."

  Ye ran."

  " Yes, I ran straight to the Tenements to Davit Whamand's house. Lads, I said the pot was very near the boil when I marched down the Roods, but my humor was getting cold again. Ay, Chirsty Todd had suddenly lifted the pot off the fire."

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  CHAPTER VI.

  IN WHICH A BIRTH IS RECORDED.

  " DAVIT'S collie barked at me/' Haggart continued, " when it heard me lifting the sneck of the door, but I cowed it with a stern look, and stepped inside. The wife was away cracking about me to Lizzie Linn, but there was Davit himsel with a bantam cock on his knee, the which was ailing, and he was forcing a little butter into its nib. He let the beast fall when he saw me, and I was angered to notice as he had been occupied with a bantam when he should have been discussing me with consternation."

  " It was the greater surprise to him when in ye marched."

  " Ay, but my desire to be thocht a ghost had gone, and I says at once, * Dinna stand trembling there, Davit Whamand/ I says, ' for

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  I'm in the flesh, and so you'll please hand ower my black coat ! ' He hardly believed I was human at first, but at the mention of the coat he grows stiff and hard, and says he, ' What black coat ? '

  " ' Deception will not avail ye, Davit Wha- mand,' says I, ' for Chirsty has confessed all.'

  " ' The coat's mine,' says Davit, glowering.

  " e I want that coat direct,' I says.

  " ' Think shame o' yoursel',' says he, ' and you a corpse this half year.'

  " The crittur tried to speak like a minister, but I waved away his argument with my hand.

  " ' Back to the cemetery, ye shameless corp, says he, ' and I'll mention this to nobody ; but if ye didna gang peaceably we'll call out the constables.'

  " ' Dinna haver, Davit Whamand,' I retorts, * for ye ken fine I'm in the flesh, and if ye dinna produce my coat immediately I'll take the law of ye.'

  u ' Will ye ? ' he sneers ; ' and what micht ye call yoursel ? '

  " ( I'll call mysel by my own name, namely, Tammas Haggart,' I thunders.

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  " ' Yea, yea/ says he ; ' I'm thinking a corp hands on his name to his auldest son, and Tammas Haggart being dead without a son the name becomes extinct.'

  " Lads, that did stagger me a minute, but then I minds I'm living, and I cries, f Ye sly crittur, I'm no dead.'

  " ' Are ye not ? ' says he ; ' I think ye are/

  " ' Do I look dead ? ' I argues.

  " ' Look counts for nothing before a bailie,' says he, f and if ye annoy me I'll bring wit- nesses to prove you're dead. Yes, I'll pro- duce the widow in her crapes, and them as coffined ye.'

  " ( Ay/ I cries, ( but I'll produce mysel'.'

  " ' The waur for you/ says he, ( for if ye try to overthrow the law we'll bury ye again, though it should be at the public expense.'

  " Lads, that made me uneasy, and all I could think to do was just to fling out my foot at the bantam.

  " ' Ye daur look me in the face, Davit Whamand/ I says, ' and pretend as I'm no mysel' ? '

  " ' I daur do so/ he says ; ' and not on'y are

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  ye no yersel', but I would never have recognized ye for such.'

  " ' So, so/ I remarks ; ' and ye refuse to deliver up my coat ? '

  " ' Yes/ he says, ( and what's more I never had your coat.'

  " Lads, that was his cautiousness in case twa lines of defense was needed before the bailie ; but I said no more to him, for now the house began to fill with folk wanting to make sure of me, and I was keen to convince them I was in the flesh before Davit prejudiced them. Ay, Robbie, you was one of them as convoyed me to Hender Haggart's."

  "
I was, Tammas, and when ye shut the door on me a mask of folk came round me to hear how ye had broke out."

  " I daursay that, but their curiosity didna interest me now. Ye mind when we got to Hender's house it was black and dark, him pretending to be away to his bed ? Ay, but the smell of roasting potatoes belied that. As we ken now, Hender had been warned that I was at Davit's demanding back the coat, and he suspected I would come next to him for the waistcoat and the hat."

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  " Ay, but he had to let ye in."

  " Ou, I would have broken in the door rather than have been beat, and in the tail of the day Hender takes the snib off the door."

  " He pretended he thocht ye a ghost too, did he no?"

  " No, no, that's a made up story. Hender and his wife had agreed to pretend that, but when Hender came to the door he became stupid-like, and when I says 6 Ay, Hender/ he says ' Ay, Tammas.' I've heard his wife raged at him about it after.

  " ' Nanny,' I says to the wife, tf it's me back again, and ye'll oblige by handing ower my waistcoat and my hat.'

  " I've forgotten to tell ye that when I walked in, Nanny was standing on a stool with a poker in her hand, the which she was using to shove something on the top of the press out of sicht. She jumped down hurriedly, but looking bold, and says she, ' These mice is very troublesome.'

  " Weel, I had a presentiment, and I says, ' Give me the poker, Nanny, and I'll get at the mice ! ' Says she, ( Na, na ' ; and she lifts away the stool.

  "All this time Hender had been looking

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  very melancholy, but despite that, he was glad to see me back, and he says in a sentimental way, ' You're a stranger, Tammas,' says he.