by Jody Holford
“Did you photograph any of these?” she asked. “No,” Lucy replied, picking up some of the paper. “I still like it.”
She chuckled, knowing it was high praise. Mia started to fuss, so Char went to make a bottle. Luke asked Kate if she wanted to play cards, and Lucy joined in. Mark and Carmen looked through the book Lucy had given her. Julie puttered back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, obviously happy to have her family all together. Lucy didn’t want to feel bad, but she hoped her mom wasn’t avoiding being in the same room with her. After a while, she came in and sat with Carmen and Mark, looking at the sharks and listening to Carmen’s detailed description of each one. After Kate and Lucy had lost at crazy eights twice to Luke, Julie asked them to clear the table.
“Time to set the table for the birthday girl’s dinner,” Julie announced.
While Kate and Lucy set the table, they communicated silently, and Lucy could see the nerves pushing their way to Kate’s surface. Carmen had wanted chicken, potatoes, and blue Jell-O for dinner, and it was a long-standing tradition that the birthday person could have whatever they wanted for their birthday meal. Lucy wondered what she would ask to have for her own birthday.
“The next big celebration will be your graduation, Kate,” Char said, putting squares of Jell-O on Carmen’s plate without letting it touch any of the other food. Lucy kicked Kate under the table.
“Ouch,” Kate glared at Lucy, and the two of them earned strange looks from the rest of the family. “Yes. Speaking of which, I’ve decided to take a break before applying for any jobs to become a social worker.”
Lucy watched her parents’ faces. Her dad frowned slightly but nodded. Julie froze, staring at her youngest. Luke asked for more potatoes. “What will you do?” Julie asked.
Lucy saw Carmen balance her Jell-O on her fork to watch it wobble. Her mother’s eyes never left Kate’s face.
“I’m going to New York. Lucy has arranged an internship at a prestigious fashion house for me,” Kate said, exhaling loudly as though all the words had been sitting inside of her lungs. Julie set her fork down with a clang.
“It’s a great opportunity. Do any of you know how incredibly talented she is? How well she can draw?” Lucy said, breaking the silence. Carmen piped up, but kept her focus on her food. “I do. She draws with me when she comes to babysit. Right Auntie Kate?”
Kate smiled gently at Carmen, who kept her eyes on her fork.
“Why have you never expressed an interest in this before, honey?” Mark asked.
“It felt like a hobby. Then I saw this ad for an internship, and I just … I don’t know, I wanted it. Badly,” Kate said. She pushed the potatoes around her plate. Luke took a drink and then raised his glass.
“I think it’s great. I’ve seen some of the dresses she’s drawn with Carmen,” Luke said. “To Kate. To a new adventure and following your heart.” Lucy lifted her glass immediately in a show of support. Carmen raised her fork with Jell-O. Slowly, the others joined in, but Lucy had a feeling the conversation was far from over.
They sang “Happy Birthday” to Carmen and watched her blow out the candles on her shark-shaped cake. They ate quietly and Kate fidgeted with her fork, with her hair, with her cake. Luke stood and picked up the birthday girl.
“Char, why don’t you stick around, and I’ll take these monkeys home and get them ready for bed,” Luke suggested. Char leaned in to kiss him and he met her halfway. Lucy, who had her camera on her lap, taking random shots, pressed the button and captured the moment.
They had been to a couple of information sessions on what was called ABA techniques. According to Char, applied behavior analysis looked at how behavior was influenced by environment. Using strategies, such as positive rewards, they could encourage the behaviors they wanted to see from Carmen. Luke and Char were still uncertain, but they were more united and had an idea of what they needed to do to help their daughter. It eased the pressure in Lucy’s chest to see this.
The three girls sat in the living room while their parents spoke in the kitchen. It reminded Lucy of the time she and Char had snuck out to a party and Kate had followed them. They hadn’t known she was following until they were already there, and they immediately had to come home. They’d received a long lecture on setting positive examples and thinking through their choices.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Char asked. Lucy understood the hurt in her voice. Being blindsided with information hurt. Especially when something was purposely withheld.
“It wasn’t something I had planned to pursue. It was more like a whim. Until pushy-nosey-pants here read my email and decided to take matters into her own hands,” Kate replied, tossing a pillow at Lucy, who sat on the floor.
“I was trying to help. To do something for you,” she replied, throwing the pillow onto the couch.
“Why are we waiting in here for them to scold us? We’re not children. You can go to New York if you want,” Char said, standing and putting her hands on her hips.
“She can. Likely, she will. But I’m sad that you all feel like you have to go behind our back and make plans that you then just spring on us,” Mark said, startling Char into turning around. Mark and Julie came into the living room together. Char came to sit beside Lucy.
“We understand that you are not children, Char, but we’re family. We’re a family that depends on each other and genuinely likes each other, so you’ll understand why, when you keep things from us, it’s not only a surprise, but a shock,” Julie said, sitting beside Kate on the couch. Mark sat on the arm of his recliner, close to Char and Lucy.
“I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, Mom. I really didn’t think this was a possibility,” Kate said, taking her mom’s hand. Julie’s eyes welled up. “I just get one back and now another is leaving,” she whispered.
“Julie,” Mark said, his voice so tender it made Lucy wonder how they had fixed it. How had they moved past the hurt that must have been there? As a child, she couldn’t fathom the details...and she’d spent the rest of her life pretending not to know the truth by ignoring it. What had happened all those years ago? Sitting with all of them—her family—the need to know was scratching at her from the inside, leaving deep welts on her heart.
“You girls can tell us anything. I’m not happy you’re going. I hate when any of you are anywhere but here,” Julie said, staring intently at Lucy. It felt weird not to be the one leaving. “But we can’t be a real family if we don’t face things together—if we hide from each other.”
Her words were a direct kick to Lucy’s stomach. Lucy lost her breath while inside, her heart hammered. If that’s true, where do I fit? Her mother’s words felt hypocritical. She hadn’t come home to make things worse. She’d come home to heal. But if she was staying, if she wanted to move forward, she couldn’t listen to words like that from her mother and bite her tongue at the same time.
“I agree. We shouldn’t hide from each other. Or what any of us are facing,” Lucy said, curling her legs under her. She looked at her mother. “You have agoraphobia. You are scared to leave the house.”
Julie’s face blanched for the second time that evening, and Kate’s hand flew to her mouth in what would have been a comical gesture if there was anything at all funny about it.
“Jesus, Lucy. There is just no pot you won’t stir, is there?” her dad asked, standing. The anger in his tone surprised her. He went immediately to sit by Julie and take her hand, and for some reason, this sparked her own anger. Char covered Lucy’s hand with her own, and Lucy looked at her older sister, surprised by the gesture. And so overwhelmingly grateful. She needed the boost of strength.
“Lucy’s right. I’ve been researching it, along with applied behavior analysis therapy,” Char said hoarsely, squeezing Lucy’s hand so tight it sent a shot of pain through her wrist. “Because … Carmen has Asperger syndrome.”
Tears ran down Char’s face, and Lucy pulled her closer. The others said nothing because they knew. They all knew. And kno
wing hurt. But it also helped. “You’ll be able to help her so much more by facing it,” Lucy said quietly into Char’s ear.
“I know. But Luke doesn’t want to believe it. He thinks we can just fix her, and I don’t think we can. I think we can only help her,” Char said around her sniffling.
“We will all do whatever we can to support you,” Julie said. Lucy looked at her mom.
“Same goes for you, Mom. You’ve trapped yourself in this house. It’s silly for us to ignore that. You need help.” Lucy said gently but unwaveringly. “You are not here to fix everything, Lucy. Not everything has to be fixed. You cannot come home, stir everything up, and then fly off to some unknown
destination again while all of us deal with the fallout.” Mark stood and moved toward the window, his hands clenched. Their dad rarely lost his temper. She wasn’t trying to hurt him. She’d never do anything to upset any of them on purpose. But she was suffering too.
“I am so tired of all of you ignoring the obvious fact that I’m staying. So what? I traveled for some years after high school. Not one of you recognize my talent, my accomplishments. I’m an award-winning photographer. I’ve done good things. But instead of saying anything about that, all of you throw the fact that I’ve left in my face every goddamn opportunity you get,” Lucy growled, pulling out of Char’s embrace and standing. She stalked over to her dad. “The worst part is, you don’t even realize I did it for you! So you wouldn’t have to look at me every fucking day and face the truth..”
Lucy’s dad whirled and faced her, utter shock replacing any anger he held. She didn’t expect the sob that escaped her throat, but in truth, it had been lying in wait. Julie jumped to her feet.
“Do not swear at your father, Lucy! What has gotten into you?” Julie yelled.
“He’s not my real father,” Lucy raged back. “And I’ve spent ten years running from that. Eighteen knowing it. So don’t tell me what to do, Mom. Don’t tell me about being here for each other and supporting each other and being truthful. Not unless you actually plan to follow through.”
Lucy glanced at Kate and saw that her eyes were wide with shock. Char’s mouth literally hung open a bit as she looked back and forth between her parents and Lucy. Julie’s face crumbled, and she covered it with her hands, silencing the tears Lucy knew fell.
“This,” Lucy whispered, backing up slowly. “This is why I’ve stayed away. Because I didn’t know how to pretend. I’m sorry.” She looked at her dad. He stood still, staring at her, and Lucy lost any chance at composure when tears slipped down his masculine cheeks. Lucy wasn’t sure if any of them heard her say she was sorry again. The sound of her heart breaking might have interfered. She ran from the room, grabbing her purse from the hook by the door.
Running is what she did best. Only this time, she had somewhere to go.
Chapter Twenty
ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-or-uh-foh-bee-uh] [noun] Psychiatry.
an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
Lucy stared at the definition on her iPad screen from her cozy position on Alex’s couch. The shades were drawn, she had a fleece blanket she’d found in his linen closet wrapped around her, a cat at her feet, and a box of Kleenex by her side. She wasn’t wrong. The definition jumped out at her from the screen. If she wanted to, she could press the speaker icon and listen to the voice sound out the word. She didn’t need to, though. She knew how the word felt on her lips and in her heart. At the moment, she even understood how it could happen. The absence of crowds, the public, and open areas were comforts to Lucy right now in the cocoon she’d created for herself in Alex’s dimly lit living room.
She had called him, tears making her words difficult to understand. He’d apologized for not being able to come to her, to come home. He told her to stay, like he still thought she had the option to leave. Furball meowed and looked up at her. She leaned to stroke his soft fur. Yes, she could stay here in Alex’s house and never leave. Or so she told herself. But she knew that she’d crave the outside world soon enough. Which was what surprised her about her mother.
Julie Aarons was a force. A beautiful whirlwind that made others laugh and feel good about themselves. She could charm any man or woman and give them advice at the same time. Lucy had watched her mother at book signings, seen her speak at conferences and give workshops to aspiring non-fiction writers. Trying to figure out how that had changed was giving Lucy a headache.
She threw off the fleece, put her iPad aside, and ignored Furball’s irritated protest over her movement. She needed water. And possibly chocolate. Copious amounts of chocolate. Did Alex keep chocolate in his house? If not, she was going to see that he started. Her phone rang on the way to the kitchen. She answered when she saw it was Kael.
“Hey. How are you?” she answered, rooting through Alex’s cupboard. “I’m good. Really good. Busier than hell, though,” Kael said.
“Hell probably is a pretty busy place,” Lucy considered. She found several chocolate bars in one of his cupboards and mentally reminded herself to kiss Alex for being such a good man.
“I bet it is. Filled mostly with New Yorkers,” Kael said, laughing loudly. “I need your help, hoapili.”
Lucy smiled into the phone. She loved when he used Hawaiian terms of endearment. Another contradiction to who he seemed to be on the outside. “Tell me,” she said, unwrapping a Kit Kat bar and breaking it along its lines.
“Delilah had an intern in mind. When I said I had found one, she blew her lid,” Kael said. Lucy bit into the rectangle of chocolatey wafer and held back vocalizing how much she enjoyed it. It wasn’t a surprise that Delilah Montgomery blew her lid. It was only surprising that she still had a lid to blow. With multiple plastic surgeries to perfect her Barbie look, it was amazing she could even show expression. Nobody lost their temper like Delilah. She was both feared and revered in the fashion industry.
“So? What else is new?” Lucy asked, grabbing another piece and thinking milk would go wonderfully with the rest of the bar.
“We made a deal. There’s a huge shoot coming up. We’re getting all of the Oscar nominees for best actress in the last five years. In one room. It’s the spread of a lifetime. She hasn’t selected a photographer because she wants perfection. She wants you. I said that I could get you,” he confessed. Lucy choked on the chocolate she’d swallowed too quickly. Kael waited patiently for her to finish coughing.
“What? Are you nuts? One, I don’t do those kinds of shoots anymore. Two, that’s a huge job, and my last assignment was in a tiny African village shooting tribal life. And I got fired!”
“It doesn’t matter what your last shoot was, Lucy. She doesn’t care, so I didn’t even bring it up. And what do you shoot now? Birthdays and weddings?” Kael asked, his voice more panicked than angry.
“Actually, townspeople and nature, mostly, but I would love to do a wedding. My wants have changed. I don’t need to be in the center of it all anymore, Kael. I don’t need to be far away to do what I love.”
“Okay, well, if you want the sister you love to get the internship, I need to deliver on my promise to D-Day or she’s calling her niece twice removed. What does that even mean?”
Lucy’s stomach churned. The milk no longer seemed like a good idea. “Dammit, Kael. You should have asked me first.”
“I’m asking you now. Come on. It’s a week. All expenses paid, I’ll make her foot the bill for a luxury hotel. It’s within a couple of weeks.”
Lucy’s mind twisted and twirled with details and timing. Kate would be done with school. She could help her get settled. It was a week. A finite amount of time. The exact opposite of what she had always looked for in a job. But the only reason she was able to accept this one.
“Okay. For Kate. And for you. Because I love you both. But it better be a kick ass hotel. Downtown. And I’m going to try to convince Alex to come with me.”
“Oooh, someone’s got it bad. I want to mee
t him. Don’t tell him I’m nice until after I interrogate him. Let me have some fun,” Kael said, laughing that enormous laugh that suited him perfectly.
They talked for a couple more minutes and ended the conversation with Kael promising to get back to her with flight details. He would see that Kate’s details were taken care of as well. It would be nice to have some money go into her bank account. Not that she was anywhere near trouble, but she hadn’t been paid for any of the work she was doing in Angel’s Lake. Everything had been in exchange for work or money for the center. Which was nearly done. Funny how, when she’d arrived, she hadn’t thought she’d see the end of the project. She’d thought she’d be long gone. Her laugh echoed in the quiet house as she headed for Alex’s bedroom. She was long gone, alright. Just not in the way she expected.
Alex stood on the paved walkway looking at the Aarons’ house. The kitchen light was on. It was late, and he should just head into his own house, where he knew Lucy would be curled up on her side, in his bed, with the cat not far away. She had been so sad when he’d phoned to say hi, and he couldn’t make out most of what she was saying. It stripped him raw to hear her hurting and not be able to go to her and comfort her. It also fueled every protective instinct he had, which left him standing on the walkway, wondering if he should speak to her parents. He sighed heavily, wearily, and turned back toward his house.
The porch light turned on just as he made it to his stairs. Mark came out into the darkness and Alex waited.
“Another late night,” Mark commented. He had on a U of M sweater and a pair of track pants. Alex couldn’t make out his expression in the dark.
“Yeah. Some kids were shoplifting, among other things. Another day at the office,” Alex said rigidly. He didn’t know what the fight had been about, but he sided with Lucy, regardless.