by Jody Holford
Growing up, she’d imagined that one day she’d have a husband and a family. But it hadn’t looked like this in her head. She hadn’t shared their children with another woman. How did people do this and know, without a doubt, that the other person completely theirs? How could Elliot ever be as sure about her as she was about him?
Upon pulling out of his driveway, she headed for the rec center, ignoring the tears dampening her cheeks. With a degree in social work, Kate knew that in every instance possible, families were kept together because family mattered. Not step-moms or girlfriends or nannies. Families. Linked and bound in a way Kate could never be with the girls.
Chapter Fourteen
Elliot tucked Beth in for the third time. The first time she’d needed water. The second, she’d had a bad dream (even though she hadn’t fallen asleep), and this time, she’d needed the bathroom (thanks to the water).
“Stay in bed this time, okay?” Beth snuggled in, yawning.
“When will Kate be home?”
“Tomorrow. I love you.”
Grace snored softly. Elliot leaned over to kiss her temple before giving Beth one more kiss.
“I love you, too. Are we going to spend Christmas with Kate, Daddy?”
Elliot froze, looking down at her. “Do you want to?”
Beth’s eyelids were drooping but she nodded. “Yes. I think she wants a puppy, too.”
Chuckling, Elliot walked to the door. “Goodnight, Beth.”
“I’m not joking, Daddy. I asked Santa to get one for her and you and one for me and Gracie to share.”
“That’s a lot of puppies.”
“Kate said in her house, her mom says the more, the married.”
Another laugh escaped. He could correct the expression another time. For now, he just found it utterly adorable. “Goodnight, Beth.”
“Night, Daddy.”
The look on Kate’s face was burned into Elliot’s brain. She’d told him to find “closure” and be sure. She’d left before he could tell her what he and Gina had was over before it began. And as to being sure? He only needed time to show Kate exactly how sure he was—a lifetime should work. Something he’d never wanted, not for one second, with any other woman.
But she was right about one thing, he needed to sort Gina out because if his life was going to involve another woman in the way he wanted it to, there had to be some boundaries and he intended to set them.
Gina was drinking a beer when he came into the living room. She hadn’t brought the girls gifts. She’d shown up and asked for a place to stay for the night because things hadn’t worked out with her sister. Big surprise. He’d given her eight years to figure out what she wanted and get her shit together. But she hadn’t. Time to stop playing nice and start doing what was best for the girls.
He took a seat across from her. “I’m going to sue you for full custody. You’ll need a lawyer.”
Gina choked on her beer. She sat forward, coughing and sputtering, until her eyes watered. Elliot maintained a grim look, determined not to cave. At one time, he’d been willing to give things between them a real shot for the girls’ sake. He could see now, looking at her, that he’d never feel for her what he felt for Kate. Who knew why? His life would be a hell of a lot easier if he could be head over heels in love with the mother of his children. But he wasn’t and he never had been, so he needed to help her move forward so she could be part of their lives in the next best way.
“You son of a bitch. You know I can’t afford a lawyer,” Gina said, wiping her mouth.
“Not my problem. I’m done playing. You show up when you want, do what you want. You never put them first.”
“It hasn’t exactly been easy for me,” she said.
“That’s what you don’t get,” he said, trying to keep his voice low. “It’s not about you. It’s about them.”
“We could try again. We could be a family. I’ll be better,” Gina said, scooting forward.
Elliot shifted back in his chair. “I don’t want that. Not with you.”
Gina took another long swallow of her beer and then sneered at him. “But you want it with Kate?”
“It’s not about her either. We were never a good fit. You know that as well as I do. But we have two little girls, and I want them to grow up knowing their mom. You need to figure out your life, get a job, pull yourself together. Get a goddamn apartment and put down some roots. Hell, maybe try counseling.”
She stood and stalked to the window. The snow had started about an hour ago, and the flakes were the size of quarters.
“God. You’re so self-righteous. Everything is so easy for you so you don’t get it. I am trying, and I said I’d do better. We don’t need lawyers. They can stay with you,” she said.
He gave a short laugh. “It’s not enough. You’ve said all of this before. Many times. I want signed documents. I’ll be going to a lawyer right after the holidays. You can contest it if you want but you won’t win, even if you can afford to get a lawyer.”
She stared at him, leaning against the wall like she’d suddenly gone weary. “You know I can’t, so fine. You take them. I’ll sign whatever papers I have to. I just want to be able to see them. I know I’m not the best at this, but I do love them.”
Elliot stood, his heart in his throat. “Good. Then you’ll know I only want what is in their best interests when I tell you that I’ll be asking the judge for supervised visitation only until you’ve firmly established yourself. That means a job and a place to live, here in Angel’s Lake or somewhere close enough that they can visit you for an afternoon.”
Her eyes went impossibly dark, glazing over with fury. “Fuck you, Elliot. You’re not in charge of me.”
He shook his head. “Nope. But you’re not taking them across any state line ever again. You want to see them, you come here. Get a job, get a place in town, prove you can be a responsible adult, and you can have them more often. But until you pull yourself together, for real this time, we’re done. You can stay tonight. Tomorrow I want you gone. The next time I see you, it’ll be in a court.”
She didn’t cry. Gina wouldn’t. One of the things that had attracted him to her was her tough exterior. She’d been carefree and vibrant when they’d met so long ago. He’d liked that since he’d always felt like he was the opposite. He’d enjoyed indulging her and hadn’t minded that she’d been a little self-involved. She was no-strings-attached and that had suited him. Until they’d had the girls. Then everything had shifted. His entire world had adjusted and zoomed into focus, and he’d waited too long hoping that Gina would adjust and focus too.
“You can’t do this,” she said.
Elliot shook his head. “I have to. One of us has to make the right decisions for them. I’m tired of waiting for it to be you.”
She walked up to him and put her hands on his chest, lowering her lashes in a way he knew she thought was seductive. “What would it take for us to try again? What would I have to do to make you want me? Love me?”
Elliot gripped her shoulders and set her back from him. “You’d have to be Kate. I’m sorry if that hurts you. She has nothing to do with why I need you to step up and be better for Beth and Grace, but if you’re asking what it would take for me to love you the way a man is supposed to love a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Then you’d have to be Kate Aarons.”
He didn’t mean to cause her pain, but he realized, watching her absorb the truth, that he’d inadvertently hurt her anyway…all these years of never just laying it out. They’d been over before they had the girls but Gina had always thought the door was open because he’d let her see it that way. He shouldn’t have and he’d have to live with knowing he could have been more careful with her feelings.
She started to go but he took her arm. She looked up at him.
“I want you to sort yourself out, Gina. I’ll help if I can. I’ll pay for counseling if you want it. If you make an effort, a real effort to prove you want the girls to be a part of your l
ife and that you’ll put them first, I’ll help. I’ll get papers drawn up for custody. If you sign them, I won’t go through the courts. You won’t have to worry about paying for a lawyer or fees. You can just worry about figuring out your life.”
Gina pulled her arm from his hand and snapped at him, “And what do I get out of that?”
Jesus. She just didn’t get it. “A hell of a lot more than you’ll get without it. Your choice.”
This time, he walked away. He wanted this night over so he could have Kate home and he could tell her how sure he really was. So he and his girls could spend what he hoped would be the first of many Christmases with Kate and her family.
Maybe he would take a look at puppies, just in case Beth was right. Couldn’t hurt, could it?
Elliot stood outside of Alex and Lucy’s house at five a.m. the next morning. Gina and the girls were still sleeping. He had to work at six and then he’d be off for a few days, but he couldn’t go the whole day without Kate. He just didn’t know how to see her without waking her family. He had his hands on his hips and was studying the door when it opened.
Kate was pulling a knit cap over her wild bedhead. She froze mid-step as she let out a squeal then quickly slapped a hand over her mouth. Elliot took the stairs of the porch two at a time, barely reaching her when Alex came flying to the door.
“Kate? What’s wrong? What the hell, Elliot?” Alex glared, putting a protective hand on Kate’s shoulder.
She leaned into him with such casual ease, it made Elliot’s heart cramp. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scream. He startled me. I’m fine,” she said.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Elliot said.
“What are you doing lurking around my house at five a.m.? You’re on shift at six,” Alex said. Even wearing checkered pajama bottoms and a long-sleeve pajama top, Alex exuded authority.
“I know that. I had to see Kate. I’m sorry.”
Alex looked back and forth between them with eyes that Elliot knew picked up on everything. He kissed Kate on the crown of her head. “Let me know if you want me to kick his ass.”
Kate laughed. “I’m good. Go get your coffee.”
“See you when I get in at seven, Peters,” Alex said, shutting the door.
Kate stood in front of him, her face peeking out of the space between her cap and her jacket collar.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi. It’s kind of early. Were you worried I wouldn’t show up?”
“Yes. But not like you mean,” he said.
He’d gone over the words a dozen times last night but now they were bouncing around inside of him like rubber balls.
She rubbed her hands together. “It’s pretty cold out here. Is everything okay?”
Elliot took her hands between his own gloved ones, and warmed them. “I hope so. I had this all planned out. I knew what I was going to say, but the minute I look at you, I forget everything except how much I want you.”
Her lips pursed. “That’s a good thing to say.”
“I don’t need any closure. Gina and I were over before we began. Without the girls, we never would have lasted. I tried because of them, but I’ve always known it wasn’t her. That hasn’t ever bothered me because I just want what’s best for the girls. But what scares me is figuring out that it’s you, knowing it’ll be you for the rest of my life whether you want me or not. I wondered why I couldn’t make it work with her—besides the obvious. I thought maybe I should try harder and expect less. But it wasn’t just her. I mean, I’ve dated other women since her.” He let go of her hands, took his gloves off, and passed them to her. She tugged them on, her mouth slightly open as she watched him carefully.
“It wasn’t right with any of them so I thought maybe I’m just not going to have that. Whatever that was. To be honest, I didn’t really know what it was before you. I’ve seen it. I see it in the way Alex looks at Lucy and Luke looks at Char. Hell, even the way your dad looks at your mom. I’d seen it, but I’d never felt it. And that was okay because I had the girls. I was happy. Content. But then you came back and we…I don’t even know. All the moments where I’d felt something for you in passing kind of magnified when I saw you get out of the cab. And then we kissed and I knew. I’m sure in a way I’ve never been sure about anything else in my life. You’re it for me. I love you, Kate. I know that asking you to be part of my life means asking you to be an insta-mom. I don’t know how you feel about that. It means date nights will probably be on the couch at home, unless your family wants to babysit. And it means Gina. For a good, long time.”
He ran out of words and cursed himself silently for not ending on a better note. Why hadn’t he ended with “I love you” rather than ending with what sounded like a life sentence.
The blue of her eyes sparkled in the bright, cool morning. They were like jewels, shimmering with unshed tears. “Are you done?”
His heart tumbled, crashing into his stomach. He nodded. He shouldn’t have let her walk out last night. What the hell had he been thinking?
Kate walked over to the railing and leaned against it. Her puffy jacket rustled against the cold wood. Elliot stayed still, hoping that her words wouldn’t stab holes in his heart that would never close. He knew she needed a turn to talk but really, he just wanted to grab her and yank her close, kiss her until some of the pressure weighing on his chest eased up.
“I feel like I’ve been jumping around for a couple of years, bouncing from one thing to another and that’s not who I am. Lucy convinced me to follow my heart when I went to New York. So I did and it felt good. But not…right. So even though I was worried about disappointing her, I followed my heart again and came home. That felt even better because I’m back where I want to be and I’m going to be able to open my own place where I can sell my designs.”
“I’m really happy you get to do that here in Angel’s Lake. You belong here,” he said. He could be proud of her and happy for her, even if it meant having to see her every day but not getting to be with her.
“I think so too. When I came back, it felt…right. But not good. Do you know what I mean?”
The cold was beginning to numb his body parts. “Not really.”
She pushed off the railing and now she took his hands in hers, his gloves dwarfing her fingers. “When you kissed me, it felt right and good and exactly like I’d always imagined it would.”
His heart twitched in his stomach, stirring with hope at her words. “Imagined what would?”
She smiled. “It. That. The feeling of being with someone and knowing they are exactly the right person for you. That they’re the reason nothing else fit. And how lucky am I that I not only get to have my dream of designing clothes, but I get to do that in the only place that’s ever been home, with a man that I admire and respect? And love.”
His heart danced its way back to his chest. “Love?”
Kate wound her hands around his waist, pulling them as close as they could be with two winter jackets between them. “Yes. I always thought I’d meet a man, fall in love, and have a family. I’ve always wanted that. I didn’t know I’d meet a man, become his friend, and fall in love with him and his ready-made family. But I did. I love you. I love Beth and Grace, and I want this. I don’t know how this works and I’m scared. More scared than I was heading off to a giant city all by myself at twenty-two. More scared than I was of coming home and disappointing my family. But it feels good and it feels right. So I’m sure too.”
“Thank, God. I’m so sorry I let you leave last night. I should have begged you to stay. Don’t leave again. I don’t want to spend another night away from you.”
Kate went up on her tiptoes, touching her nose to his. “That’s handy because I really don’t want to spend another night away from you knowing Gina’s with you instead.”
“She’s not you. No one could ever be you,” he said.
Unable to wait any longer, he kissed her and kept kissing her until he forgot how damn cold it was, forgot that he had to get t
o work, forgot they were standing on her sister’s porch next door to her parents’ house. Forgot everything but Kate.
Until the door flew open again and Alex charged through. “Elliot. There’s been an accident. Gina and the girls. They’re on route to the hospital.”
Chapter Fifteen
In his life, Elliot had never known fear that settled so deep into his skin, into his bloodstream, and consumed him to the point of pain. Alex drove with the sirens on. Kate sat in the back of Alex’s cruiser as they whipped toward the hospital. No one spoke and the silence was deafening. He couldn’t breathe.
Kate’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. She squeezed and he covered her fingers with his. She was still wearing his gloves. In seconds, his life had gone from absolute happiness to extreme terror.
“Almost there,” Alex said, his voice strong and solid like the foundation of the earth.
They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re going to be okay.
The snow-slicked roads didn’t help and more than once, he felt Kate’s fingers clench on his shoulder. But she didn’t say a word. When the car pulled up to the emergency entrance, Elliot shot out of the car and flew through the automatic doors before Alex had shifted into park. Cam, one of the other deputies, was talking with a nurse. He saw Elliot and came to him, his face a mask of calm, making Elliot fear the worst. “They’re okay. They’re all okay,” Cam said.
Alex and Kate must have been directly behind him because he heard Alex speak at the same time he felt Kate’s arms come around him from the side. “What happened?” Alex asked.
“I need to see them. Now,” Elliot said. He pulled away from Kate, but she gripped his hand as Cam spoke.
“She crashed into a telephone pole. The roads are slick; she was going too fast,” Cam said. The deputy was looking at Alex but Elliot heard something in his tone that made anger douse his fear.
“What else?” Elliot demanded.