by Jody Holford
Kate put the bags her mother didn’t take onto the floor, tugged off her shoes and winter gear, and followed her mom into the house. The smell of gingerbread surrounded her, making her wistful and hungry at the same time. Setting the bags onto the table, she helped herself to one of the naked gingerbread men cooling on the pan.
“I haven’t frosted them,” Julie said, putting the other bags with the pile.
“They’re better this way,” Kate said, smiling around a large bite. “This is a treat. One-on-one time with you.”
Kate loved her family, but quiet they were not. She rarely got time with just one of them, especially since she’d moved away. Missing people reminded her of getting hurt when she was little—until she realized the pain was there, it didn’t bother her much. But once she noticed, there was little else she could focus on, which meant that regardless of what happened next, coming home had been the right thing to do.
Julie stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Kate. “A girl never gets too old to need her mom,” Julie said into Kate’s hair. “Thank God.”
The words were a comfort, yet they sliced through her, poking at the nagging worry that she was entering a world of conflict by stepping into a “step-mom” role so quickly. She squeezed her mom back, trying to ignore the little voices piping up that said Kate could never be a substitute for a real mom. Regardless of how flighty Gina was, Beth and Grace loved their mom. Not that Kate wanted to change anything, she just wanted to find her own place.
“You okay?” Julie held her by the shoulders and looked her over with what always felt like a superhuman gaze.
Not much got past her mom. Kate knew her mom was as human as the rest of them, despite her mother’s intuition. She was flawed and dented on the inside, but if anything, it only made her more genuine in her daughters’ eyes. A real role model.
“I’m good.” It was mostly true. Which was why it shocked her as much as her mother when she blurted out the rest. “I hated New York other than the internship. That part was perfect, the rest was not at all. All those things they tell you about the city? They’re all true, but who really needs sushi at three a.m.? And I hated the subways. I never once felt like a local, and more often than not, I was irritated by the crowds and the noise. Not one barista ever learned my name at the Starbucks I went to every single day.” She paused and caught her breath. “And I fell for a married man who I didn’t know was married and I felt…just awful. Disgusted. I’ve never in my life ever thought of being that woman and the moment I realized I was, I walked away. But it’s like it clings to me—knowing I was with another woman’s husband. And I’m over it. I’m over him and New York, and what have I done? I’ve fallen right back down for someone else’s man. I’m a disgusting human being.”
She topped her rant off perfectly by bursting into tears. Her mom pulled her close again, her arms a vice gripping her like the strength of her hug could absorb all of the ache and the hurt, the uncertainty and the feeling of being misplaced.
“We need more than gingerbread for this,” Julie muttered. She walked away and Kate used the moment to take a few deep breaths. Julie came back with a festive gift bag.
Kate groaned. “Mom. I love you, but I swear, herbal tea is not going to fix anything inside of me.”
Julie laughed, set the bag on the counter, and got out two tumblers. “I both agree and disagree. But you’re right, this situation calls for more than tea.”
Julie lifted a tissue paper-covered bottle of whiskey out of the bag and held it up for Kate’s inspection. She winked at her daughter and cracked the top. “Thanks to one of your father’s colleagues, I’ve got something a bit stronger. Though I will make you some tea after. I have a new blend.”
Of course she did. Her guru mother, who’d written over a dozen self-help books, had a cure for anything. What she didn’t seem to understand was that she was the cure, not her remedies. It was Julie Aarons and her hard hugs, her quick wit, her no-strings-attached, no-holds-barred, fierce love.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Kate whispered as Julie passed her a glass with a very generous amount of scotch.
“What on earth for?”
“I feel like I’ve been all over the map. Metaphorically speaking,” Kate added. Her sister Lucy had been all over the literal map before she’d finally come home to stay. Maybe it could work out for Kate too.
“All roads lead you where you’re meant to be,” Julie said, taking a sip of her drink.
“You really believe that?”
“With all my heart. It’s why I’m standing here about to reprimand my youngest for several things and damn grateful I can do that.”
Kate took a large gulp and steeled herself, knowing she deserved the lecture. Her parents had instilled better morals in her than the ones she had on display currently. Gina and Elliot weren’t married but they would always be a family. Hadn’t Kate just learned not to poke holes in the delicate structure of someone else’s life? Goddamn Darby. Yet, here she was, diving in with her eyes open this time.
“Did you know he was married?”
Kate met her mother’s gaze. “No. Absolutely not. The minute I found out, I walked away.”
Julie nodded. “You use him to get anywhere you needed to go?”
Kate gasped. “No.”
“Good.” Julie nodded again. “You want to be here? Home? Or are you just running away? Not saying there’s anything wrong with it if you are, because sometimes it’s what needs to be done.”
“I’m home because I want to be. I would be here either way. I miss you guys, I miss my family, I miss home, and I miss myself.”
Julie’s smile was a hug in itself. “You’re right here, sweetheart. Have been all along. You don’t get to be the person you’re meant to become without some bumps in that proverbial road.”
Kate sat down at the kitchen table and poked through the bag of toys for her nieces. “I guess.”
Julie sat across from her and waited until Kate looked back up. “Not ‘I guess.’ It’s true. This latest bump, Elliot?” Kate could only nod.
“He’s not anyone else’s except those girls. As long as you can accept them, you’re not doing anything wrong. Stop punishing yourself for following your heart and trusting in people.”
Kate’s tears resurfaced. “My small business loan got approved,” she said. The bank had called as she was loading her car up with shopping bags an hour ago.
Julie grinned, jumped up out of her chair, and threw her arms around Kate’s neck. “Congratulations! All roads, remember?”
Squeezing her mom’s arms, she laughed. “Ever the optimist.”
Julie sat back down and pushed her drink aside. “My darkest moments have sometimes led me to the brightest places. You know that. All three of you girls know that and were right here supporting me when I didn’t think I could handle it.”
“I love you, Mom. You’re amazing.” Julie waited for her to continue. Mother’s intuition again, Kate supposed. “I’m not their mom.”
“No. And you never will be. Doesn’t mean you can’t hold a special place in their lives. And in his.”
Elliot seemed to want it that way and so did Kate. It was such a strange feeling to have all of her walls tumbling down around her, but feel like her feet were firmly planted on the ground. In the midst of the chaos, Kate felt like she was finally finding herself, pulling herself out of the rubble.
She sniffed, took another sip of scotch, and winced. “I need these wrapped. Wanna help?”
“I absolutely do,” Julie said. “Take them into the living room. I’ll put on the kettle for some tea.”
Kate just laughed and did as she was told.
It was easier to wrap the gifts at her parents’ house as she was leaving them there for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. She and Elliot hadn’t talked about either day yet. She knew he was off work thanks to Cam and Mick, two deputies without children who’d volunteered to cover the shifts. She wanted to see Beth and Grace’s faces when t
hey came out to see their stockings and gifts on Christmas morning. But she didn’t want to miss Emma, Mia, or Carmen’s faces either. Lucy and Alex would start their morning with Emma but be over immediately after as Luke and Char were staying at the Aarons’ house through the holidays.
Julie had gently suggested that it wouldn’t change much to add an extra three bodies to the sea of chaos. But Kate had no idea what Elliot envisioned for his girls. She’d missed him during the day. And the girls. They’d spent every day, practically every moment, together since she’d returned. Elliot had today off and had hinted that he and the girls had some secret shopping to do. Since Kate had plenty of her own, she’d left early in the day to get things done.
As she took the turn to his house, she thought about how to tell him her loan had been approved. Maybe tonight, in front of the fireplace and the Christmas tree. And while they were in the midst of celebrating—she knew he’d be thrilled for her—she’d ask him about spending Christmas with her family.
Maybe she should have texted and asked him about dinner. She could whip something up easily enough. She was thinking about how easy it was to slide into domesticity with him when she pulled up in front of his house. A strange car was in the driveway.
Thinking nothing of it, she grabbed the few purchases she hadn’t wanted to leave at her parents’ place and the doll she’d finally finished for the girls. She was all the way into the house, boots off, when she heard a voice. A voice she didn’t know well enough to recognize because they’d only ever had brief conversations in passing.
Kate stepped into the kitchen to see Gina sitting at the table with two very excited little girls and Elliot. He was leaning against the counter, staring at them.
Her heart sank right down to her stomach like it was being yanked down by an anchor. She felt like she was standing in someone else’s spot. They were a family and Kate was the nanny. A family friend. She must have made a strangled sound while standing in the doorway watching, a funny-looking doll clutched in one hand and the strap of her purse gripped tightly in the other.
“Kate,” Elliot said.
Was it her imagination or did he say her name like he was giving thanks? Both girls shouted her name and came running. They were all about Kate for two seconds before they spotted the doll.
“Is that mine?” Beth asked.
“No. This one is mine,” Grace said. They both looked up at Kate with identical expressions.
Kate’s eyes moved back to Elliot. She couldn’t read his face. She also couldn’t breathe. Was it hot? The air felt thick. Gina stood and walked closer to Elliot. Kate’s throat constricted.
Looking down at Beth and Grace, she worked up a smile. “Go get the other one, okay?”
They both ran to their room, and Gina gave her a small smile. “Elliot said you were babysitting our girls. That’s nice. Don’t you have the day off though?”
Little razors slashed at Kate’s heart. Had they been playing pretend for the past few days? No. Elliot has made his feelings for you clear. More than that, he’s made his feelings for Gina clear.
“Gina. Jesus. That’s not what I said. Kate come all the way in. I’m glad you’re home,” Elliot said, reaching out a hand for her.
Kate didn’t take it but she came into the kitchen as the girls ran back with the doll they shared. Ignoring the ache in her chest and both the adults in the room, Kate knelt down, took the other doll, and hoped they were as good a match as she’d wanted. She put both dolls behind her back.
“Beth, you’re older so you get to decide. Pick a hand and that’ll be the doll you get,” Kate said.
“That’s not fair,” Grace said, her lips curling into a pout.
“I know. Sometimes things aren’t fair, sweetie. I have two older sisters. But there are perks to being the youngest sometimes, too.” Grace shrugged and looked at Beth. Her lips were also pursed, but in deep consternation.
Finally, she pointed to Kate’s right arm. Handing that doll to Beth and the other to Grace, she held her breath. They inspected the dolls closely. Finally Beth spoke. “Which one did you make?” Air whooshed out of Kate’s lungs. She laughed and pulled both the girls into a hug. “I forget and now it doesn’t matter.”
The girls thanked her, kissing her cheeks simultaneously. They went to play, and Kate stood in the kitchen, feeling like it was smaller than it had been the last time she was in it.
Elliot’s eyes pleaded with hers but she didn’t know what he was asking for. Gina’s gaze was more of a glare.
“I, um…I’m actually going back to my parents’ house. I just came to grab my stuff,” Kate said. She hated lying but it wouldn’t be a lie if that was where she ended up.
“There’s no need for that. Gina is here for one night. She’s leaving tomorrow,” Elliot said.
“You said we’d talk,” Gina said.
Elliot shot some fire of his own, directly toward Gina. She backed up a step. “We did talk. You forgot to listen. Why don’t you go check on the girls? It’s them you came to see.”
He didn’t wait for her to answer before turning to Kate, who stood like a statue, trying not to breathe. The air was tainted with Gina’s scent. Elliot’s. Her own. And one of those didn’t belong. Elliot took her shoulders, digging his fingers into her skin, and held her gaze just as hard as he’d held Gina’s, but with a softness that should have eased her mind.
“She just showed up. Said she wanted to talk about custody. My bet is she ran out of money and came home.” Home. Elliot’s home and at one time, Gina’s. Not Kate’s. Pain pulsated through her like it was in her blood.
“You don’t have to explain, Elliot. She’s the mother of your daughters. There’s no replacement for that. I just need to grab the dresses to take back to the rec center, and I’ll be out of your hair.” And your home.
Kate had a quick flashback of the first boy who’d broken her heart when she was sixteen. He’d ripped it to shreds and then lit fire to the tiny pieces. And still, when he’d called a few weeks later, she’d given him another chance. He tore her apart again, but she’d given him that chance because she’d loved him. She hadn’t had children with him, and she’d still felt the pull to try again. How could Elliot not feel…something?
“I don’t want you out of my hair. I want her out of my house. But she’s here for the night because she told the girls that before I could stop her. I don’t want to disappoint them, so I told her this is her chance to spend Christmas with them. Tonight. Tomorrow, she’s gone.”
His face was too close. Focusing on his words was difficult when she wanted to lean in, press herself against the strength of his body, and curl up into his arms where, for just a small piece of time, she’d felt like she belonged.
“I should go. So you guys can have your Christmas,” Kate said. Her eyes dropped to his mouth.
His grip loosened but the intensity of his voice did not. “You don’t need to go. I don’t want you to go.”
Kate’s throat was tight, but she pushed the words through. “I need to take the dresses to Cole. I promised. Maybe Gina wants to stick around for the play on Christmas Eve.”
She could be mature. It might kill her, or at the very least, make her gag, but she could do it. And if she really wanted something with Elliot, she’d need to be. She’d have to learn to accept this part of his life. But first, she needed to give him the space to make sure he wasn’t saying goodbye to a chapter he wasn’t ready to finish. She couldn’t do that if she stayed here tonight, or any night when Gina was there. “I…uh. I’ll be here tomorrow to watch the girls but when you get home, I’m going to stay with Lucy and Alex. I can bunk on their couch.”
“Kate,” he said. The word was a harsh whisper, filled with sadness and disappointment. One of the girls was yelling in the other room about something being hers. The sound intensified, and Elliot winced. “Goddammit. I’ll be right back. She can’t handle them for five fucking minutes.”
He stalked away from her, and Kate finally fil
led her lungs and let out a breath. Walking to her room, Kate grabbed a few things for the night and then went to grab the dresses from the living room. Gina stood at the window looking out but turned when Kate entered.
“Those are pretty,” she said.
“Thanks,” Kate said, scooping them up in her arms, trying not to lose purchase of the bag over her shoulder.
“It’s not easy, you know,” Gina said.
Kate held the woman’s gaze, noticing how tired she looked. The creases around her eyes and the sallow look of her skin made her seem older than she was. “What’s that?”
“Being a mom. I didn’t ask for this. I’m trying,” Gina said.
Fury melted away Kate’s lingering guilt. “Are you?”
Gina’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”
“It doesn’t matter what you asked for, Gina. You have two beautiful little girls with an amazing man who would do anything for them. Or you for that matter. Life isn’t all about you anymore. So if what you’ve given is the best you have, dig deeper and find more. Do more. Try harder. They deserve it.”
She didn’t wait; she turned and headed for the door. Elliot caught her just as she was about to step onto the porch. “Wait,” he said.
She turned, unsure how long she could hold off the tears. Looking up at him, she did as he asked. He didn’t say anything. He looked at her as if she could give him the answers they needed, but she didn’t have any.
“I have to go,” Kate said. “I’m sorry. It feels too weird to stay when she’s here. The girls need time with their mom for Christmas. And maybe you need some sort of…I don’t know, closure. I need you to be sure. I know you said you are. I’m not doubting your feelings for me, but she’s the mother of your kids. There have to be feelings there too.”
He started to speak but Kate left. She couldn’t listen, not now. Not when the tears were already starting to leak because no matter what he chose, his life would always be inextricably tied to the woman in his house. Kate wasn’t sure how to wrap her head around that when she’d only just realized she was in love with all three of them: Elliot and his daughters.