I am Mrs. Jesse James

by Pat Wahler

  Jesse took my hand, and his thumb brushed across the palm. “You’re the one who knows me best. Not even Ma understands the way you do.”

  “Yes, and won’t she be furious once she knows what we’ve done?”

  Jesse laughed out loud. “Indeed, she will. But I wager she’ll be pleased enough at the result.”

  In that moment, it didn’t matter to me what Aunt Zerelda or Mama said.

  When Mama discovered our adventure to the porch, she lectured me about responsibility and told me to obey the doctor’s orders. After that, Papa drew me aside and in a gentle voice counseled me to have patience. I heard them both but paid no mind to their advice. Each day, Jesse and I ventured to the porch, and before long, he leaned less heavily on me, able to sit outside for longer periods of time. And during each outing, I could see his countenance sharpen as he absorbed the sunlight and inhaled the scent of a clean breeze.

  Our continued treks to the porch meant Jesse stopped complaining about meals, and his appetite improved so much that he ate anything I served him. In the open air, he became much like the Jesse I remembered—lighthearted and happy. We ate together outside at least once each day and called the meals a picnic.

  One afternoon, after settling him in the chair, I went inside to fetch our lunch of chicken and potatoes. I carried out the steaming food, my steps light. Jesse cleaned everything from his plate and washed down the food with a great gulp of water. When he leaned back and grinned, I raised a brow.

  “What are you finding so humorous today?”

  “I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Every day is better. It won’t be long until I can be back to fighting with Frank.”

  “I don’t understand what fighting can change now. The war is over, and the Federals are in control. Papa says we must learn ways to soothe them rather than enflame tensions.”

  “I witnessed too much of Federal ways to think they can ever be soothed. I saw what they did to Southerners. Fine strong boys getting their brains blown out. Houses burned over people’s heads. I once had a Federal hold a knife to my throat, and he would’ve cut me from ear to ear if a soldier named Archie Clement hadn’t shot him dead. He’s the one who taught me the way to fight is to show up where no one expects to see you. Then do what you have to do and ride away like the wind.”

  I shuddered at his words. “I can’t imagine living through that kind of horror.”

  “And I hope you never learn the meaning of such horror. It changes someone to kill and see killing and wash enough blood off their hands to turn creek water red. No, I’m not worried one bit about enflaming Federals or anyone else who tries to betray me. The sooner I’m back at the work of making them pay for what they’ve done, the better.”

  I clamped my mouth shut to avoid saying anything I might later regret. My own feelings were at war, wondering whether I should champion Papa’s position, agree with Jesse’s, or succumb to my own sorrow at his eagerness to leave. I piled empty dishes on the tray, to avoid looking at him.

  He viewed me curiously. “You’re not pleased about something. What is it?”

  “I’m not certain fighting is going to gain anything for anyone, but I am glad you’re getting well.”

  “One thing is sure. Once I leave, there’ll be much less work for you. It’s a wonder you’re not down sick in bed too, the way you’ve run yourself thin taking care of me. You’ve been my anchor, Zee. I’m only alive now because of you.”

  His words pacified me but did not take away the sting of his potential departure. Yet I had no right to voice such feelings, and forced myself to smile.

  As Jesse’s strength grew, he ventured farther from the house, although I insisted someone must always be with him. On the day we walked to the barn and visited with Uncle Thomas’s mare, Lully, Jesse couldn’t have been more lighthearted. The scent of sweet hay and Jesse’s smile when the mare nuzzled his palm with her velvet nose, lifted my spirits.

  “Mark my words, Zee, I’ll soon be sitting on a horse again. That day can’t get here soon enough. One of the worst parts of being sick for so long has been not riding. There’s nothing I love better than being on the back of a fast horse, flying like the wind.”

  “I have no doubt you’ll be in the saddle again. Whenever you have that stubborn look, you generally accomplish what you set out to do.”

  He picked up a brush to run down Lully’s neck, and she tossed her head and nickered in response.

  “Once I can ride, I’ll be able to join Frank and see to it that justice is done.”

  “But your mother needs your help with the farm,” I chose my words carefully. “Don’t you think that’s more important than exacting revenge?”

  “Dirt has been done to me and mine, and whether the Federals want to call the war over or not doesn’t matter. Don’t they still keep their boots pressed hard on our necks? Yes, they do, and I don’t know if they’ll ever stop. I don’t intend to walk away from anyone who tries to take away my rights or who turns out to be a traitor.”

  Something about his words triggered a memory that sent a shiver down my spine. What was it Jesse had said?

  Before I could answer my own question, his eyes softened, and he took my hand.

  “You’ve done so much for me these past weeks. More than anyone ever has. I don’t feel right unless your pretty face is the first thing I see every morning and the last at night. You know Ma plans for me to go home within the week, and quick as I can sit on a horse again, I’ll be riding out to join Frank. I don’t have any right to ask such a thing, but if I don’t end up gut shot in some far-off place, when the time comes for me to go back home, I’d like it if you married me.” He pressed my hand to his chest. “I need you, Zee.”

  My eyes widened. Jesse moved close enough that his breath stirred my hair. I looked up at him, searching for a sign that his feelings echoed mine. His hand cupped my cheek, and for once, it wasn’t me who kept us on our feet. Had he not placed his arms around me, I would have fallen under the crush of emotion. Although I hadn’t allowed myself to admit it, this was the moment for which I’d been waiting. This was the man I wanted to spend my life with. Jesse leaned down, and his breath warmed my face.

  Just before our lips met, I remembered something Jesse said about Mr. Locke. The name he’d called him in an eruption of blistering fury.

  Traitor.

  9

  When sorting through images stored in my mind of the time we spent together, the most bittersweet would be the day Zerelda came to take Jesse home.

  The dark, smoky scent of fire filled the air as Papa and Uncle Thomas set to burning dry undergrowth in the woods closest to the house. Frost would soon sparkle on the ground, heralding the approach of a long winter. I ignored Mama’s tight-lipped glance and threw a shawl over my shoulders to keep away the chill when Jesse and I left the house to stroll on a path near the heavy woods behind the garden.

  With frequent stops to rest, this trek was the farthest he’d yet gone from the house. Dry leaves and twigs snapped and crunched beneath our feet. When we reached the point where no one could see us, Jesse took my hand.

  I fumbled for the right words to say and settled on a simple truth. “I’ll be sorry to see you go, Jesse.”

  His arm pressed against mine and he chuckled. “You may miss seeing me, but I do believe your mother is beyond ready to have me go.”

  Despite the slow pace, Jesse’s breath came quicker than it should. When we reached a small clearing, I pointed at a large tree that had been toppled by the wind. The root ball was taller than Jesse’s head, and its broad trunk afforded us a perfect place to rest.

  Jesse inhaled a deep breath. “There’s nothing like woodlands, the damp earth, the moss, the softening wood.” A crow cawed and a woodpecker drummed against a nearby tree. “This is a pure slice of heaven.” He turned and looked at me. “Pure heaven. Just like your face.”

  A blush heated my cheeks as he reached up and ran a thumb across my skin.

  “Tell me the
truth, Zee. Is it fair asking you to wait for me?”

  “Fair? Of course, it’s fair. I’ll wait as long as you need me to. But I’ve been thinking, what if there’s no need for delay? Why don’t you let me go with you now? I could help your mother take care of you until you’re strong again.”

  “You know your parents would never agree to that. Besides, they need you here, not traipsing around after me into God knows what sort of mayhem.”

  “I’ve already decided I don’t care what Mama thinks. I intend to take the path that’s right for me.”

  “As you should. But I don’t want to shove our intentions in anyone’s face. This is to be a proper courtship, at least as much as I can make it so. I plan to win your mother’s approval. Maybe she’ll be happier with me when I become well-known for my daring deeds. Just like the hero in one of those books you read to me.”

  His notion made me laugh despite the fear weighing down my shoulders. I decided it best to open my heart. “If we’re speaking truth, I must confess something. I’m afraid once you leave, you’ll forget all about me, and I’ll never see you again. If that’s the way of it, please tell me so now.”

  Jesse pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, “Zee, I love you. There is no one on Earth I love more. When I’m strong again and have found a way to support you, we’ll be married.”

  “So, you’re telling me this is truly an engagement?”

  “Indeed, it is,” he replied solemnly.

  I looked at my lap, and Jesse lifted my chin. The strength of his gaze told me he spoke the truth.

  Yet I wanted more. “With what will we pledge our troth?”

  “I’m afraid I don’t have a ring to give you.” He wrinkled his brow then smiled. “But I’ve got this.”

  Reaching into his breast pocket, he pulled out a large, burnished token that he pressed into my palm. It had Lady Liberty’s head on it, and I realized it was a one cent coin, the type that for years had been minted oversized until citizens complained about their pockets weighed down from cumbersome copper pennies. The metal held the warmth of Jesse’s body.

  “A penny?”

  “Yes, but not an ordinary one.” He pointed at the coin. “See the date? It’s 1828. My pa’s pa gave it to him on his tenth birthday. He kept it all those years and gave it to me when he walked out the door bound for California. I remember that day like it was yesterday because I cried so hard about him leaving. It’s all I have left of him now.” He smoothed a finger over the coin in my hand. “I always thought of this piece as lucky. I want you to keep it until the day we marry.”

  I shook my head. “Oh, no. You must keep your lucky coin. I want nothing to stand in the way of your safe return.”

  Jesse chuckled. “Knowing you’re waiting for me is all the luck I need.” He squeezed my fingers around the token, and his smile disappeared. “Let me speak plainly. I think it will be best if we keep our promise a secret from everyone. They’d try to convince us marriage would be folly. Let me prove myself before we even bring up the subject. Is that all right with you?”

  I nodded, and he took me in his arms, sealing our promise with a kiss. I clung to his neck while the sun’s warmth blessed us.

  Finally, he pulled away. “Come along now. We’d better get back before your mama and mine send out a militia to find us.”

  I slipped the coin into the pocket of my skirt. Feeling its weight brought a small measure of comfort as Jesse took my hand and we walked home.

  Zerelda sat in her buggy near the boarding house porch with my family gathered around. As though sensing my mood, no one smiled when Papa helped Jesse climb into the seat next to his mother. I bit my lip to see his wan face and the way he grimaced as he settled in. Jesse made the effort to smile at me, but the fact that he allowed his mother to keep the reins showed how weak he still was. I couldn’t make myself smile back at him. His departure pained me like an amputation, another wound of war.

  “I’ll write to you, Zee,” he said.

  “Yes, please. I’d like to know how you’re doing.”

  After my supremely inadequate words, Zerelda clucked to start the horse’s plodding hooves. I shoved my hand into my pocket, wrapped my fingers around the coin, and thought of our kiss and our promise to each other. I was bursting with the desire to tell the whole world that Jesse and I were well and truly engaged, and that his absence would break my heart. But I was bound to silence. Tears spilled from my eyes. I pulled out my handkerchief and blotted my cheeks and nose. When I looked up, I realized Mama was staring at me.

  “It’s past time we returned to a normal life, Zee,” she said, her tone stern. “Please make your cousin’s sickroom tidy.”

  The fact that Mama didn’t use Jesse’s name did not escape me. She wanted all traces of him gone. Yet I nodded without a word of complaint and watched her walk to the house.

  Lucy came to stand beside me and wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’m afraid Mama suspects how you and Jesse feel about each other. The expression on your face doesn’t hide anything, you know.” She let out a long sigh. “You glow like a firefly whenever you look at him. It’s the same way I feel when I see Boling.”

  Lucy’s beau, Boling Browder, had returned from the war and been patiently courting Lucy for the past few months. He planned to open a small mercantile in Kearney, and Lucy’s shining eyes demonstrated her complete approval of the idea. He came to call often, with freshly picked flowers or some small confection. Mama took time to bake his favorite sweetbread, and Papa never failed to shake his hand. It was evident Lucy had our parents’ blessing for her marriage. All I had was a secret promise.

  Suddenly, my need to speak about what had happened outweighed my vow. Lucy, my sister and dearest friend, could be trusted over anyone else. I hoped Jesse would understand.

  “I’ve tried to hide it, but … Oh, Lucy, something has happened between Jesse and me. Today we made a pledge to marry once he is healed and finished riding with Frank.”

  If my news surprised Lucy, she didn’t show it. “I thought as much. What will you say to Mama and Papa?”

  “It will be some time before anything can be settled between us, so we decided not to speak of our engagement for now. Besides, Jesse hopes to convince them by his deeds that our marriage would be a blessing rather than a curse.”

  “You know Mama and Papa don’t approve of poking a hornet’s nest. They fear further retribution from the Federals unless the South bends to every demand of the government. Authorities will be watching Jesse and Frank. In itself, that’s problem enough, but there’s more to consider.”

  “More? What else is there?”

  “Mama and Papa love their kin and have always done anything they could to help them, but they’ve never approved of cousins marrying and find such a practice to be most ill-advised. I know they intend to push you toward someone they feel would be more suitable.”

  My hands knotted together. “As you well know, cousins marrying is nothing so extraordinary. Look at the Canfields. And the Morgans, too. I know Mama would like nothing better than for me to take a husband of her choosing, but she will not be the mistress of my fate. I still intend to be the one making decisions about my own future.”

  “I understand. An arranged marriage worked out happily for Mama and Papa, but these days it’s a rather old-fashioned notion that often brings nothing but a cold and lonely union.” Lucy linked her arm through mine. “Love is seldom decided through the workings of logic, is it? I hope Jesse can do as he says. If he pleases Mama and Papa, then perhaps they’ll change their minds and things will work out as you wish. Come. Let’s go inside. I’ll help you clean out his room.”

  I followed Lucy with an aching heart. I already missed Jesse and wondered how he could possibly prove himself to my parents when they were so set against him. Pulling dirty sheets from the bed, I puzzled over what seemed an impossible situation.

  There had to be some way to secure the future I wanted without separating me from my family.
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  10

  Jesse spent the next three months at his mother’s farm, twenty-five miles away from me, recovering his strength and helping Zerelda rebuild. When he wrote that his vigor had returned enough for him to be back in the saddle, his bliss fairly jumped from the page. He and Frank had been lying low long enough for me to believe they had reconsidered their plans to wreak vengeance against the Federals, but the emergence of a new political party soon dashed my hopes.

  They were called Radicals, and they seemed to take pleasure in punishing Southerner sympathizers. Thanks to them, some of our men found themselves unable to cast a vote, retain their property, or even walk into town without harassment. This fanned the glowing coals of resentment and soon rumors abounded of former rebels looking for their own justice through secret raids carried out under the cover of darkness.

  Occasionally, Jesse took the long ride from Kearney to Harlem. He spoke in such an unfailingly polite way to Mama and Papa, it made me smile, offering them help if a fence needed mending or a wheel on the wagon had to be fixed. Jesse teased my sisters about their beaux until they blushed, before wandering outside to smoke a cigar with my brothers and refight the war. Once he’d done his duty with my family, he would slant a look at me, and we’d steal away for half an hour alone together.

  “Frank and I have put in some long days. The old farmhouse looks better than it did before the war started. Who knows? We might even whitewash the place. I think Ma would like that.”

  “She must be well pleased, having her sons home and seeing all the things she loves taken care of.”

  “The timing’s been good since Ma and Reuben’s baby is due to come any time. She’s chafing at the idea of not getting around to do as much as she wants.”

  “What about you? How are you feeling?”

  “I still have pain in my chest. Reuben says it will probably always bother me, but I’m alive.” He laughed. “I even joined the Mount Olivet Baptist Church. They convinced me to sing in the choir every Sunday morning. Can you imagine that? Me singing in a church choir? I guess there’s no telling what wonders can come with time.”