by Jordan Marie
“About the same time this county elected our current sheriff. Damn place is going to pot,” Black jokes.
“Funny. What are you doing back in Mason? I heard you got a promotion to detective. You can’t tell me Dallas has suddenly gotten boring.”
“Nah. I got a week off before I start the new gig. Came home to spend time with the family. You know how Mom gets if we don’t come celebrate birthdays with her.” I ignore all talk of Ida Sue. I begrudgingly respect the old woman for how she raised her family, and they’re all great people. But that woman helped destroy my marriage, and that’s something I will never forgive her for.
“Shit. That’s right, it’s yours and Blue’s birthday. Where’s Blue?” I ask, looking around briefly before bringing my attention back to him. “When Petal said she had a family dinner tonight, I didn’t put it together. What are you guys now? Sixty?” I ask him with a smirk as I take a pull from my beer.
“Fuck you. You are practically the same age. Blue had to go to Amarillo to a Cattleman’s Association meeting.”
“That sounds like fun. At least he won’t be overdoing it on his birthday. You might want to try and be home by nine though. At your age, it’s not good to stay up too late. You need plenty of rest.”
“You’re just a laugh a minute. I’ll remember that when your birthday comes up. It’s, what, in just a week or so, right? You’ll find that shit ain’t nearly as funny as you think it is.”
“Whatever,” I laugh. He’s just telling the truth. I became the youngest sheriff in Mason County history at twenty-seven. Now, I’m just a few weeks from turning thirty, but fuck, some days I feel like I’m fifty.
“Why don’t you come join us? Nothing more pitiful than a man trying to bowl alone.”
“Nah, man, I’m here with a date. Tani just went to the restroom.”
“Date?” I hate that I feel guilt bubbling up inside of me when he questions me. I shouldn’t. Fuck. “Damn. I was hoping with the time you’ve been spending with Lotus Petal, you two might be working things out.”
His words cause my stomach to curl in bitterness and anger. Petal would kill him if she heard him use her whole name. She hates it. Ida Sue is a bitch, at least to me. If she didn’t have such great kids, I would figure she was insane and needed a padded cell. As it is, she fucked them over by giving every one of them crazy ass names. Her daughters are all named after flowers and her sons after colors. It was a family tradition that Petal wanted to add to. I was completely against it, but we managed to settle on elements around us. We named our son River and one day hoped to name our daughter Lake. That’s not going to happen now. I need to face that. Black wasn’t the only one hoping Petal and I would find a way to work it out. I’ve been longing for that since the day she left, and the last few months, we’ve been spending so much time together that hope has come back to life.
We’ve been trying to help River because he’s having trouble in school. At first the dinners and meetings were good, but the more time I spend with Petal, the more fucked up my head becomes. Tonight when she called to cancel our meeting—all because her mom demanded she attend a family dinner—I finally decided I had enough. Again, I was getting pushed aside for her mother. Again, I was on the outside looking in. I used to live for the day when she would proudly take me to these dinners—the man by her side, one she was proud of—and tell her mom to fuck off. That day never came. I’m nothing but the father of her son, and I swore to myself that I was done begging her to stay with me and fight for our marriage. There’s only so much a man’s pride can take. She left me. It’s over. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
That realization is the reason I asked Tani if she wanted to go out for a drink. She suggested bowling, and I agreed without thinking. I look up beyond Black and see the family there, but I don’t see Petal. Instead, my gaze lands on Ida Sue and the smug look she’s giving me. I wish to fuck I had said no to bowling.
When Petal comes around the corner, I wish it even more.
“That ship has sailed, brother,” I tell Black, then prepare myself for Petal. I watch as she approaches, and Black must notice I’m distracted because he turns around too. She’s changed so much since I met her. The one thing that hasn’t changed is that she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She’s tiny. When I say that, I mean at 6’1” some of her brothers are a good three to four inches taller than me, but Petal’s not tall at all. She’s 5’5” and curvy as hell. She’s got an hourglass figure that has always brought me to my knees. Having River only made those curves deepen, her breasts larger, and fuck me, even with everything between us, she makes my heart speed up when she smiles. Tonight she’s got her warm caramel hair pulled into a ponytail on the top of her head, and every time she walks, it bounces and swishes around her. I have to tighten my hand into a fist to keep from physically reaching out to grab it. The times I did that when we were together will always be burnt into my memory. Her blue eyes remind me of cornflowers, deep in their hue and bright. Her eyes always make me think the sun itself shines out of them—unless she’s unhappy; that’s a look I can remember all too easily. Right now, I don’t have to remember because she’s looking right at me, and those eyes are dull and lifeless. I instinctively want to reach out and try to bring the light back into them. I have always wanted to do that. She never let me.
“Hi, Luka. I didn’t know you were coming here tonight,” she confesses, her soft voice diving deep inside of me like it always does. God, how this woman haunts me. We’ve been apart for over a year, and still it feels as if she lives inside of me.
“I suggested it,” Tani says, picking that moment to pop back in. She comes to stand beside me, and that feeling inside of me festers again when she puts her arm around my stomach, leaning into my side. How can it be cheating if the woman you love isn’t yours anymore? How can I feel guilt when Petal was the one to push me out of her life? I wish to fuck I knew, because the guilt is there just the same.
“Hi, Tani.” Petal smiles at her. “Nice to see you again,” she adds, and that fucking pisses me off. So adult. So fucking grown-up about it all. Would it be so much to ask if she could show just a little bit of jealousy? Something to let me know I’m not the only one who grieves over what we lost?
“You too, Petal. How have you b—?”
“Daddy! Daddy! I rolled the ball and knocked over pins!” River cries, running toward us. He doesn’t stop until he’s thrown his little body into me. I pick him up, instant warmth spreading through me. My son is everything good in this world and the one thing I’ve done that I take genuine pride in. He’s the best of me. I look over at Petal and see the love in her eyes shining for our son. River’s the best of both of us and the one thing that will always connect us.
The pain of that thought feels like it’s going to cut me in two. When her eyes lock onto mine, I see that same pain reflected back at me.
Why the fuck does this have to be so hard?
3
Petal
“Luka Parish, are you ever going to kiss me?”
“You’re Black’s sister. He’d have my head.”
“Are you saying you’re afraid of my brother?”
“Hell no, but I haven’t even told him that we’re dating.”
“Does it matter that much?”
“Not really. I mean, we’re both old enough to make our own decisions. I would just feel better if I was upfront with him, honey.”
I love when Luka calls me honey. Especially since he thinks I’m actually my older sister Maggie. It kills me when he calls me Maggie. I hate that I lied to him, but I’m desperate. I need Luka to fall in love with me before he knows how young I am. I need him to be mine first. I need him to love me as much as I love him.
“How about you kiss me, and we’ll worry about my brother later? You may not even like kissing me,” I dare him, praying for time—just some time to make Luka realize I’m the only woman for him.
Present:
Lies have a w
ay of trapping you. You’d think I would have learned that lesson by now, especially if those lies have anything to do with Luka Parish. Yet, that’s exactly what I do when River urges his father to join us bowling. I lie.
“Sure, join us, Luka. It’ll be fun. That’s if Tani here doesn’t mind us butting in on your date.” God, please say something, Tani. It’s not like she doesn’t know this is awkward.
“Sure, I think that’d be fun,” Tani says instead, and I barely know her, but right now I’d like to punch her.
“Okay,” Luka answers, and I can tell from the look on his face that he’s as thrilled about this new turn of events as I am.
“It’ll be okay, sis,” Black assures me, wrapping me into his side and walking back the way we came. I glance over my shoulder and see River walking between Luka and Tani, and the vision hurts me. It cuts me open inside. They look like a family. Anyone seeing them would think River is Tani’s child. That Luka is Tani’s man. It’s wrong. Wrong. Unfair. Viciously cruel and a blow that may kill me. I pull my gaze away from them and look straight ahead, all while fighting the sting of tears in my eyes.
“It hasn’t been okay in years, Black.”
“Then maybe it’s time you make it right.”
“How do I do that? I made so many mistakes, big brother.”
“Do you love him?”
“Since the moment I first saw him.”
“What’s that old saying? ‘All is fair in love and war’,” he recites, kissing the top of my head gently.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Mom jeers as we make it to the upper bowling lanes off the ramp Luka and Tani had been bowling at earlier. This is the one bowling alley in Mason. It has three main areas. The first is full of video games, pool tables, air hockey, and an in-house diner that serves hamburgers, pizza, and hotdogs. The second contains bowling lanes for small groups, and then the upper deck is the one Mom always reserves. It’s three large lanes that has group tables for everyone to gather, and waitresses always come by and check if any of us want to order anything.
“Ida Sue,” Luka says, and I can tell he’s doing his best to hold back, ever mindful of River being around.
“Daddy is going to bowl with us, Gramma!” River yells excitedly.
“Yippee,” Ida Sue answers sarcastically. “Tani, I didn’t realize you and Luka were dating. Though, I guess that makes sense. Luka works so much, it’s hard for him to find a woman outside of his office.”
The tension intensifies into a physical thing.
“River, let’s go get some fries, and you can share them with your Dad,” C.C. says, taking my son by the hand.
“Yay!” River cries, oblivious to the tension among the adults.
Once River is out of earshot, Luka growls quietly. “Ida Sue, you need to stop.”
“What? I was just pointing out how hard you work. I guess your father never taught you the old saying about not eating where you shit.”
“I think we better be going,” Tani suggests nervously.
“Yeah, I think we should,” Luka agrees.
“Miracles never end. For once we totally agree,” Mom responds.
I need to make a decision here. Maybe I’m a masochist. I should just let Luka leave, but I can’t let this continue. It’s already ugly. With as much hate that lies between these two, it is bound to get even uglier.
“Mom, shut up.”
Ida Sue jerks her head around to stare at me in shock, and she should. I’ve rarely ever talked back to my mother. I should have sooner. God knows I should have.
“River wants his father here tonight,” I go on, “and as much as you don’t like it, Luka has every right to be here. He’s River’s father. He’s Black’s friend, and he’s my… He’s the father of my child,” I finish lamely, unable to say what I want to. “If you can’t respect that, then you need to be the one to leave,” I add quietly. My heart is pounding, but I’m tired. I’m so damned tired, and seeing Luka kiss another woman has shattered something precious inside of me.
“That’s it, sis. It’s time to take control, and I know more than anyone that you love Luka. It’s time for you to do something about it—past time. I’m proud of you, little sister,” Black whispers into my ear.
“I’d put more trust in that if it wasn’t coming from a man whose idea of a long term relationship is using the same brand of coffee every day,” I mutter, only breathing when Mom curses, stomping off. Shit.
“Hey, when you find something good, you hold onto it and don’t let go,” he says with a wink, pulling away from me.
“I guess I should go after her,” I tell him, looking in the direction that our mother disappeared to.
“No. Let her stew for a bit. She’ll get over it eventually. She just may make your life hell in the meantime.”
“That’s what I like about you, Black. You’re so encouraging.”
“It’s what I do,” he jokes before going to stand with the others. “Your turn, Luka,” Black says. I look over at Luka and try to smile. He’s watching me closely, surprise on his face. Black walks between us, breaking the eye contact, and I go over to White and Kayla, hoping and praying that I get through this without Luka and Tani kissing again.
4
Luka
“Luka, make love to me,” my girl pleads, looking up at me. We’re stretched out on the seat of my truck, her under me, and her body pressed into mine.
“I don’t want to take your virginity in the front seat of my old truck, Pixie. You deserve more than that.”
“I want to belong to you.”
“You do. You’re mine, I’m yours. That’s not changing.”
“Don’t you want to make love to me?” she asks, and even in the darkened cab I can see the tears well up in her eyes—eyes that have wrapped me up in their spell since the first day I saw her, eyes that should never cry. As one big tear slides off of her eyelashes and down her face, I kiss it away.
“More than you will ever know, sweetheart. We just need to wait until your family knows I’m your man, until—”
“No one else matters, Luka. I know you’re my man. Please make love to me. Make me yours in every way,” she pleads, and there’s no way I’m strong enough to deny her. She’s right. She’s mine, and I’m never letting her go.
Present:
Is that what I am now? Just the father of her child? Her words wound—even as the fact that she stood up to Ida Sue soothes me. We’ve been bowling for an hour, and it’s been an hour of pure torture, and yet I can’t make myself leave. Gray, C.C., Kayla, and Tani have gone to the restaurant on the first floor of the building. Ida Sue disappeared as soon as Petal called her out, and now Black, White, Petal, and I are the only ones left. Petal’s off by herself with River. They’re coloring. I watch them while Black and White are talking. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what they are saying. In fact, their voices are annoying the hell out of me. I can’t pull my face away from my family. Mine. Why can’t Petal see that?
I walk over to her, leaving her brothers behind. Her gaze comes up to me once I’m standing beside her. The words I want to say freeze in my throat. I take the easy escape and direct my attention to my son. “Mommy helping you color?”
“Mommy colors pretty,” River says, and I look over at Petal and give her a smile.
“That she does,” I agree while staring at her. “Can I talk to you over here for a minute?” I ask Petal, trying to get up my nerve.
“Uh… sure. Mommy will be right over there, little man,” she says, moving her fingers through his shaggy hair and then following me to the corner. “What’s up?” she asks, putting her hands in her back pockets. The move thrusts her breasts out, and for a moment I allow myself the pleasure of staring at them. I can’t resist. With most women, I would think it was something she did on purpose—a way of flaunting her body and teasing me with what I can’t have anymore. We’ve been apart too long for that to be the purpose, however. Plus, I know Petal, and because I know her, I reali
ze that this is a nervous gesture for her. It’s how she stops herself from fidgeting with her hands.
“I’m sorry about tonight. I didn’t realize you would be here, or I wouldn’t have come here. With Tani, I mean.”
“I don’t have a problem with Tani,” she says, refusing to look in my eyes.
“Good, then,” I answer, suddenly feeling stupid.
“I mean, we’ve been divorced for over a year really. I was bound to see you out on a date sooner or later,” she continues. She’s right, and I guess that’s just one more sign that I’m stupid.
“You’re right. I was just worrying for nothing. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“I’m fine, Luka,” she answers—her voice tight. “We’re in the past.”
“I know. Trust me, I know more than anyone. I wasn’t the one who walked away,” I growl. I lean into her, my hand goes up on the wall boxing her in aggressively. No one pushes my buttons like this woman.
“What do you want from me, Luka? Do you want to hear me say that I hate seeing you with other women? Of course I do. Wouldn’t it bother you if you saw me with another man?”
“I’d want to kill him,” I growl, leaning even closer to her and lowering my voice so no one but us can hear the conversation. Her eyes go round, even dilating, right before I see the anger spark inside of them.
“You don’t think I don’t feel the exact same thing? What do you want from me, Luka? We’re divorced. It’s over!”
“And whose fault is that, Petal? You didn’t give me a choice in that either. Fuck it. I’m done with this. I can’t keep cutting my heart out over you.” Anger is so thick in my words that you can cut it with a knife. It’s ridiculous that after all of the lies between us that I let Petal get to me. She walked out on me, and here I am a year after our divorce, still being drawn to her. I’m a fucking idiot.