by Jordan Marie
I push away from the wall, away from her. I need out of here. I’ll tell River goodbye and pick Tani up at the restaurant and then I’ll grab a bottle and drink until I just don’t give a fuck anymore. “Little man, Daddy’s gonna go. I’ll pick you up tomorrow after I get off work, okay?”
“I don’t want you to leave. Can’t you go home with me and Mommy?” he asks innocently.
I look over at Petal, and in that moment, I think I hate her. Petal swallows, her teeth coming down to gnaw on the corner of her mouth.
“I’m sorry, buddy. But we’ll have fun tomorrow. I promise.” I kneel down and pull him into my arms.
He pulls back to look me in the eyes. “You promise?”
“I promise. Now don’t you cry on me. What does Daddy always tell you?”
“Big boys don’t cry.”
“Exactly. Now you turn back around and continue drawing me a pretty picture to hang on the fridge at home. This is good. Who is it?” I ask, looking down at his picture to distract him. The paper he’s drawing on has circles on it and lines around them. Experience has taught me that these are people and hair.
“That’s me,” he says, pointing, “and this is you, and this is Mommy holding my bunny w’abbit.”
“You don’t have a bunny rabbit, little man,” I tell him, my heart hurting at his picture… at what I’ve lost.
“You can buy me one,” he says so innocently. Petal even manages a laugh, even though it’s stiff.
“We’ll see, buddy. Now who else is in the picture?”
“That’s your girlfriend Tan-knee.”
Petal’s indrawn breath makes me look at her. Her face is pale white, and those blue eyes are shining extra bright… with moisture. I manage to get up and walk away without another word.
It’s over. I can’t let this pain swallow me up. Petal wanted this. I don’t have a choice.
5
Petal
“Luka, what are you doing here?”
“You’ve been avoiding me, and I need to know why.”
“I’m not avoiding you. I’ve been sick. You have to leave before my brothers see you. Or worse, my mom.” I panic, closing the door behind me so they can’t hear him from inside. I need to lead him away from the front yard. Shit. I need him to get his truck out of here. If they see him, and he tells them we’re dating…
“No.”
“I’ll meet you this evening,” I urge him, heat and terror filling my body. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m not leaving. We’re going to finally tell your family we’re dating. I’m tired of hiding the fact that I’m in love with the most beautiful, amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life.”
“Luka, hey man. I didn’t know you were coming over. I’m getting ready to leave, bro,” Black says, coming out of the door, and my stomach flips. I see disaster crashing down on me, and I can’t do anything but watch.
Present:
“What the hell has crawled up your ass?” Maggie mutters at me after I take her head off for not rinsing out her cereal bowl. She’s right. I am bitchy as hell. I wish I could blame it on PMS, but I can’t. I feel raw inside and have since Luka left the bowling alley. It’s been a week, and each day that goes by only intensifies the pain and anger inside of me. Black keeps urging me to tell Luka how I feel, but what if Black is wrong? What if too much time has passed? It’s been over a year now. That’s a long time and a lot of water under the bridge.
“Try not to mention anything crawling into asses around the table. It skeeves me out to even discuss that knowing what Mom and Jansen do on this table.”
“Oh please, like you haven’t done worse,” she says. I let it go. If she only knew. Luka was my first, and he’ll probably be my last. I seem to be dead below the waist ever since we broke up. Even self-love is boring and just not worth it. And though Luka and I had a great sex life, it’s been so long that I think I’ve forgotten what sex feels like.
“I need chocolate,” I grumble, pushing my spoon around in my cereal, not hungry.
“Maybe what you need is to get laid. Jesus, now that I think about it, you haven’t even gone on a date since Robert, that college professor!”
“Oh, God. Do not even mention him. And he wasn’t a college professor. He was going to college. He was a teacher’s aide.”
“Ehh, same thing,” Maggie says, stuffing the last of her buttered toast into her mouth.
“No, it’s not. It’s not even close to the same thing, and you know what I can’t figure out? How someone could look that good and be so…”
“So what?” she asks around the toast. Maggie doesn’t know the meaning of etiquette. At least I can’t see her food while she’s eating since she’s stuffing more in. That’s an improvement.
“Boring,” I finish.
“Snooze-fest?”
“Watching paint dry was more interesting than listening to him talk. I swear I fell asleep on him in the middle of a concert.”
“Get out of town. Who was the concert of?”
“Banjo Bob and the Down Home Band.”
“You’re shitting me!” she cries, then busts out in laughter. Even in the mood I’m in, I manage to find my smile.
“What’s so funny?” Black asks, entering the kitchen and making a beeline for the gigantic box of Lucky Charms. I watch as he fills up a giant bowl—the kind you buy a pint of ice cream in. Mom washes them out and saves them as plastic containers to store leftovers. He pours some milk into the bowl and then walks toward us. He’s dressed in jeans and a black buttoned-up shirt today. Since he got promoted to detective, it’s been hard getting used to him not wearing his uniforms. He works in Dallas, but ever since he broke up with his girlfriend, he’s been staying here. He says he’s waiting for his crazy ex to move out of their apartment. I don’t know that any bitch is worth hiding out for. I’d just file a restraining order and tell her to stay the fuck away, but what do I know?
“Remember that dude Petal dated awhile back? Robert?” Maggie asks, pulling my attention back to the here and now.
“Yeah, I didn’t like the look of that guy,” Black answers while sitting down and spooning a huge bite of cereal into his mouth. “He reminded me too easily of the men I arrest every day.”
“He took her to a Banjo Bob concert.”
If she doesn’t stop laughing, I may dump the rest of my cereal on her head.
“Who’s that?” Black asks, barely looking up from his bowl.
“The dude who has a call-in radio show in the mornings. He gives banjo lessons in between songs,” I interject before Maggie can irritate me further.
“What the fuck kind of radio stations do you listen to?” Black asks, shaking his head.
I stick my tongue out at him. “I didn’t say I listened. I was only explaining who he was.”
“How did you know how to explain who he was if you don’t listen to him?” Maggie asks innocently and thus irritating me even more.
“Fuck off,” I grumble.
“Do you kiss your Momma with that mouth?” Maggie laughs.
“She never kisses her Momma. She’s too busy bitching at me.”
“You usually deserve it,” I grumble when my mom comes in the kitchen at just the right moment. She has a gift for showing up when she shouldn’t.
“I swear I don’t know how I raised such a surly child. What’s got your panties all knotted up now?” Mom asks, and the cereal I didn’t want looks even less appetizing now. I take the bowl to the sink, giving up all pretense of eating.
“That’s the problem: nothing is happening to her panties. I think it’s time I set my sister up on a few dates,” Maggie explains, striking fear in my heart.
“What would you do that for? I thought you liked Petal,” Black says, looking up at me with a wink.
“Because someone has to help her out. I’m pretty sure the last time she got laid, Bushes were involved.”
“Aren’t bushes involved every time you get laid? Well, unless anal is your cup
of tea. I don’t dabble in that too much, though. Those are the few muscles I do not want getting weak. The last thing I need to do is shit myself and have you ingrates send me to a nursing home before my time,” Mom mutters.
“I am not sitting at a table where my mother discusses having anal sex,” Black growls.
“I was talking about having a Bush in the Whitehouse,” Maggie mutters. “And I second what Black said. Please for the love of all that is holy, do not talk about having anal sex. That’s a mental picture I never need.”
“I’m surprised you two find that anal sex bothers you the most, out of all the things Mom has said before,” I tell them, shaking my head. I need out of here. Just… out.
“There’s just some things a man doesn’t need to picture. Some very sacred things. And one of those is seeing his mom bent over and taking it up the ass,” Black growls, following me to the sink.
“Oh, give it a rest, Black. Do you expect me to believe you haven’t ever taken a ride on the Hershey highway?”
I hear Maggie cry in disbelief as Mom does what Mom always does: say things that scare the fuck out of us.
“That, right there, is why Blue is the way he is,” Black announces, talking about his twin brother. Blue is the quiet one out of all of us. He talks pretty good around family, but he’s deathly quiet everywhere else. There’s speculation he’s even a virgin.
“There’s nothing wrong with my Blue. He’s just quiet. He had to share a womb with you, and you probably never shut up. It’s not his fault he’s quiet.”
“I’m never going to be able to look at old women in the nursing home the same.” This comes from my sister Mary, short for Marigold. She’s the youngest out of all of us. She’s just turning nineteen. I envy her. I wish I could go back to nineteen and do everything over. I’m not sure I had a lot of options, but I know I would have tried to talk to Luka more—and be more honest.
“You need to quit working in that damned nursing home and go off and see the world,” Mom complains.
“There’s nothing I want to see. And besides, I write! I love writing! I’m almost finished with my second novel!”
“How many people bought your first one? Writing is never going to pay the bills, Marigold,” Maggie says. I want to argue with her, but she could be right; Maggie was always the more practical out of all of us girls.
“Working in the nursing home is good too, plus it pays the bills. I enjoy the job. Or rather, I did. Now every time I’m called in to clean a patient and it’s a woman, I’m going to wonder how much anal sex she had in her life and if that really makes your muscles weak back there.”
“And that’s my cue to get the fuck out of dodge. Mags, you do not fix Petal up with any of your rejects,” Black warns.
“Hey! They’re good guys and anyone is better than no one! The woman is growing cobwebs down there.”
“Oh dear God, will you shut up, Maggie?” I exclaim. “It doesn’t matter if I have cobwebs down there or not. They’re mine.”
“She’s not growing cobwebs,” Mary says calmly, looking up at me with a smile that should probably chill me to the bone. Mary and I are closer in age than the rest. Which makes us walk this love/hate relationship a little deeper than the rest of us.
“How do you know?” Maggie asks.
I swear, despite being a school principal, she is the most juvenile of any of us. Except maybe Cyan.
“She spends half her check from the Curl Up And Dye Salon in batteries.”
Yep, I knew she was trouble. I don’t bother denying it. It’s not half, but rechargeable batteries are not cheap, and contrary to popular belief, do not last forever.
“Maybe I should fix her up. Petal’s already proven that she has bad taste in men. I can find someone that would be perfect for her,” Mom says.
The entire table yells, “No!” all at once.
“I don’t know where I went wrong with you monkeys. A bunch of goober-heads, the lot of you.”
“I’ll fix Petal up,” Black announces.
I sigh. “How about we all stop the who-is-going-to-fix-up-our-poor-little-sister game? I don’t want to date anyone. My time and my focus needs to be on River right now.”
“No, it doesn’t. I’ll fix you up,” Maggie decides, already scrolling through her damned phone.
“Oh! Oh! I know a guy you would love!” This comes from Mary, which might be the scariest thing about this whole conversation. I’ve seen the men Maggie is drawn to. No, thank you.
“I’ll be fixing her up. It’s clear I have good taste. Jansen is a good man,” Mom says, and I’m just wondering how I can run away to join the circus. I have plenty of experience. Hell, all they have to do is spend ten minutes with my family and know that.
“Give in, Petal. I’m your one shot at normalcy here, and besides, I have a plan,” Black whispers in my ear, and I want to scream.
“What kind of plan?” I ask him. There’s a look on his face that intrigues me.
“Tell them you’re picking me, then follow me outside,” he instructs, and I should worry about the smile he gives me. Instead of worrying, however, I do like I always do with my family: I cave.
“Fine! Black can set me up!”
“Damn skippy.” He laughs, taking one of Mom’s terms. I hold my head down, pinch my nose, and close my eyes, as the rest of them fight amongst themselves.
I have a feeling I’m going to regret this.
6
Petal
“You’re pregnant.”
“I’m not. I just have the flu,” I tell him, but I can feel the panic inside of me. He’s right. I know he is—I just can’t face it right now. I’m only sixteen, and Luka can’t stand me. I don’t know anything about being a mother…
“Don’t lie to me, Petal. You’ve been sick for weeks—every morning, just like clockwork.”
“Black, please, just let it go.”
“I can’t do that, sis. I’m going to go kill that bastard.”
“No. It’s not his fault, Black. None of this is his fault.”
“He may not have known the truth about your age—”
“Or who I was. He didn’t even know my real name, Black. He thought I was my sister.”
“Fuck.”
“I can’t face him. I can’t—”
“You have to tell him you’re pregnant, little sister. Either you do, or I will.”
Present:
I follow Black outside, and for some reason, I’m filled with nerves. He turns to look at me, and that grin he has on his face does nothing to ease my nerves—at all.
“So,” Black says, rubbing his hands together like a little kid.
“What’s percolating in that wee little brain of yours, Black?”
“Little sister, is that any way to talk to the brother who loves you?”
“I know that look, and nothing good ever comes from it,” I say, laughing. Black smirks at me.
When you’re blessed with a huge family, you tend to have a love/hate relationship with all of them. But, invariably you tend to have one person you click with the best. My sister Maggie is closer with Green than any of the rest of us. White and Black are close, but White has always been kind of a loner. Gray definitely leans on White more than the rest of us, and Cyan and Mary are really close. Black and Blue are twins, and their relationship is different from any other, but Black and I share a unique relationship. He has always felt responsible for me, and when I was pregnant with River, he was the one who was always there for me. He didn’t judge me for lying to Luka. He held my hand and let me cry. When his girlfriend turned into the she-bitch from Hell, I was the one he would call at night and complain to. I love my big brother. Right now I can already tell he has something up his sleeve. I’m just wondering how me dating fits into it.
“You still love Luka.”
“Black—”
“Don’t bother denying it, you already admitted it at the bowling alley.”
“I’m not denying it. It would be stupi
d to try. I just don’t see how it possibly matters at this point. The fact that Luka was out with Tani clearly shows he’s moving on.”
“Didn’t look like he was moving on to me—especially when he had you pinned against the wall,” Black responds.
“He was upset—”
“Petal, a man doesn’t react like that to a woman he’s over. The question is, do you want him?”
“Black—”
“Be honest with me, little sister.”
“Of course I do,” I answer giving up all defenses.
“You’ll have to tune out everyone this time, Petal,” Black warns.
“I know, it’s just—”
“No listening to Mom or Luka’s dad. None of it. You’re going to have to trust yourself and trust in Luka.”
“You make that sound so easy.”
“What choice do you have, Petal? You can either try or lose him forever. You can’t keep going like this. You need to decide before it’s too late,” Black says, and for once, he’s completely serious. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t terrified, but I also know that Black is right. Seeing Luka with Tani made it clear that Luka is moving on—without me. Can I get him back? Can I make him happy? How will I handle his father?
“Petal, what have you got to lose?” Black encourages me.
“Then, I say we begin Operation Get Luka Back.”
“That’s my little sister,” he says, grinning.
I fight down my nerves and try to smile back at him—and pray I’m not making a mistake.
7
Luka
“Luka! Stop! You have to let me explain!” Petal cries from the front door. “Luka, please!”
I stop five feet from my truck. My heart slams against my chest like a fucking sledgehammer. I feel sick all over. How the fuck did I let her take me for a ride like this? How could she have lied to me for fucking months and I never knew?