The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel
Page 3
And she said WELL? And I said I can’t find it. And she said OF COURSE YOU CAN’T FIND IT! And I said Maybe it’s somewhere else. Maybe it’s in New York or Ohio? And she said YOU ARE SO STUPID! I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD HAVE A SISTER WHO IS BECOMING A NUNN! And I said Maybe it’s in Californya? And she said IT ISN’T ANYWHERE, JEROME! THERE IS NO METROPOLIS JUST LIKE THERE IS NO SUPERMAN! YOU CAN LOOK ALL DAY AND YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT! NEVER! And I said Yes I will! And she said NO YOU WON’T! And I said YES I WILL! again.
That’s when she started to get REALLY mad, Superman. She said I had to do extra homework because I was so dumb and she said I had to write five hundred times THERE IS NO SUPERMAN and she said my mom and dad had to sign it. And you know what I figured, Superman? I figured if I did that then I wouldn’t only be dumb but I’d be a dumb lier. So I said No. And she said WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? And I was really crying and I was really scared but I said NO I WON’T DO IT! THERE IS TOO A SUPERMAN AND I AIN’T GONNA BE A LIER! I AIN’T GONNA GO TO HELL FOR YOU BECAUSE SOMEDAY HE’S GONNA FLY IN HERE THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEN YOU’LL FIND OUT AND THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY!
Well let me tell you, Superman, she didn’t like that at all. She walked right over to me and she hit me right across the face and she grabbed me by the ear and she dragged me out of the classroom and nobody was laughing anymore because even Jimmy Sinceri was afraid. And she dragged me down the steps and into the boys lavatory and it’s a good thing nobody was peeing inside because she didn’t even knock first. She just grabbed some sope and she put it to my mouth and she said CHEW!
And I said NO!
And she said CHEW IT, JEROME!
And I turned my head away.
And she grabbed my chin and squeezd it real hard and she pushed the sope in and I tried to spit it out and so she hit me across the face again.
TALKING TO A NUNN LIKE THAT! she said. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
And my ear was hurting and my face was hurting and my mouth was hurting and I was starting to feel sick. Real sick. In my stomick. And before I knew it all my Rice Krispies and bananas came up and went allover her robes and beads and stuff. And so she got madder and I got sicker and she hit me again. And then she took me up to Sister Agnes Therese the Principle. And then Sister Agnes Therese called my dad and when he took me home he got out the strap and it still hurts. And my dad said THAT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET IF I EVER CATCH YOU READING ANOTHER SUPERMAN COMICBOOK OR IF I EVER HEAR YOU SAY THE NAME SUPERMAN AGAIN OR IF I EVER TALK BACK TO A NUNN!
And that’s the main reason I’m writing this letter, Superman. I thought I should let you know that if you ever decide to write back and tell me where Metropolis is then maybe you should send it to Robert’s house and he’ll give it to me OK?
Thank you very very very verymuch.
Your Friend,
JERRY CHARIOT
PS: Robert’s address is: 155 Elk Avenue
Pulpburg, Pencilvania
Dear Lois Lane,
My name is Mrs. Holbrook and I have a daughter who looks just like you only she isn’t as pretty. And she used to think that Clark Kent and Superman was the Same person. But then she saw them walking into Holy Redeemer Church together and so now she don’t. So there.
Yours Truely,
Mrs. O. L. Holbrook
Dear SUPERMAN,
I’m sorry we haven’t written you a letter in such a long time but me and Robert have been too busy looking for Metropolis in the library where we didn’t find it yet. But don’t worry because we will. We decided we would get a map of every state and check every dot because we gotta find it so Robert can tell Sister Mary Justin where it’s at. Because it wouldn’t be a good idea if I was the one who told her because she won’t listen to me anyway. Anyway, we already checked all the A’s and B’s and C’s and Deleware and it isn’t there. And it probly isn’t in Florida because we ain’t never seen no palm trees in Metropolis. And it probly isn’t in Georgia because we ain’t never seen no Negros either. It sure would help if you just wrote us a letter and told us which state it was in but we know how you’re too busy saving people all the time. Besides, if I’m ever gonna develop my brane and make it Super like yours then I better get started right away and figure it out all by myself and Robert. So thank you.
JERRY and ROBERT
PS: Pretty soon you won’t have to worry about Lois Lane bothering you anymore and trying to guess your Secret Identity. We’re taking care of her.
Dear Superpal,
I started to write a letter to your cousin Supergirl but then I changed my mind because I thought maybe you could tell her for me. Thanks. It isn’t that I don’t think she’s pretty because I think she’s pretty pretty. And she’s got the exact same Super powers that you’ve got and I’m getting. Except she’s a girl and so she can’t be as strong as you, Superman. But she’s still stronger than any other normel people (even men) and so I thought I better not merry her until I get Super also. If I do. Someday.
You see, Superman, I don’t think I’d like a wife who’s stronger than me and so everybody would say she has to protect me. My dad says he’s the king in his own castle because he’s a man and a man is the king in his own castle. He says that a lot. Except we don’t really have a castle because it’s just a apartment building. But my dad is still king of the apartment building along with all the other kings in all the other apartments. And that’s what I want to be. But that’s what I wouldn’t be if Supergirl fought all the crime in the family. Do you understand? The other day I jumped out of Old Lady Holbrook’s apple tree again and I flew even farther than the last time and you can even ask Robert again if you want to. And so it shouldn’t be very long now. So I hope you’ll tell her, Man of Steel. Thank you.
YOUR PAL,
JERRY
PS: We checked the E’s and the F’s and the G’s and Hawaii and it isn’t there. And since everybody in Metropolis speaks English then it must be in America huh? It’s not in England is it? They speak English there also you know.
GOSH, SUPERMAN,
We just read ACTION COMICS NO. 368 and Robert hated it almost as much as I did and I REALLY hated it. It was the AWFULEST adventure you ever had, even awfuller than the time you got changed into a giant ant after you got exposed to some Red Kryptonite when you was trying to save the world from doom. You know, sometimes I think that Red Kryptonite is even worse than Green Kryptonite but none of them’s as bad as Gold Kryptonite which can take away all your Super powers and make you just ordinary but not dead.
Anyway, in ACTION COMICS NO. 368 I really HATED how there was no more crime in the world and everybody was good and so the policemen had no more work to do except help little kids across the street. And it was TERRIBLE how there was no more disasters in the world and so you didn’t have any lifes to save. And you didn’t have any floods to throw back. And so the world didn’t need Superman nomore.
It was REALLY bad on page one where all the policemen was playing checkers and the captin said, “Nobody’s so much as jaywalked for a month, Superman! Half my officers and detectives are counting stolen loot that criminels voluntarily turned in!” And so you looked at him and said, “GREAT KRYPTON!” And then you said, “Earth is now a crimeless, warless, trouble-free world! And I fit in like a vegetarian at a steak barbecue!”
And you know what, Superman? I wanted to CRY because things were so bad! That’s why I’m glad it didn’t last long because then nobody would need you anymore except me and Robert because we’ll ALWAYS need you. And if there wasn’t nomore crimes then there wouldn’t be no more sins and then the priests wouldn’t have a job either and then nobody would believe in you or God or nothing. They’d just believe in themselves.
So me and Robert wanted to let you know we don’t hate Luthor or Mr. Mxyzptlk! so much anymore even if they are REALLY bad. I hope you understand. What we’re trying to say is you shouldn’t chase too many criminels too quick. And if you do then maybe it’d be a good
idea if you let a couple of them excape every once in a while. Because if people didn’t be so BAD then you wouldn’t be so GOOD and so I hope you understand.
Thank you, Mr. Crime fighter!
Your VERY good friends,
JERRY and ROBERT
PS: I hope you don’t think we like criminels or anything like that. We still hate them. Only we don’t really hate them. So long, Man of Steel.
Dear LOIS LANE,
I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not think that Clark Kent is thy Superman. Amen.
Yours truely,
God the Father Almighty
Heaven, U.S.A.
Dear SUPERMAN,
Well you don’t have to worry about Lois Lane anymore for a while. You’re welcome.
JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO
Dear Superman,
WE FOUND IT! WE FOUND IT! We found it in World Book Encyclopedia VOL. 9 under Illinoise which is where it’s at! GOSH, Superman, I’m happy! I’m REALLLLLLLLLLLY happy! And so is my friend Robert. On the map it says that Metropolis is about 37 degrees North and 80 degrees West and the dot isn’t as big as I expected but it isn’t as small as some of them. BOY OH BOY OH BOY, SUPERMAN! I knew all along I’d find it. I KNEW it! Robert wasn’t so sure because when we got to Hawaii he said maybe we should stop for a while but I said NO! See, I told you. I AM getting Super branes! Aren’t you glad? Goodby.
ALMOST SUPER-JERRY
(and Robert too)
PS: As soon as we get a chance, Robert’s gonna tell Sister Mary Justin where it’s at. Boy I can’t wait to see her face when we tell her!
Dear Superman again,
I know I wrote you a letter last night but I just HAD to write to you again today and let you know again how REALLY glad I was that we found it in Illinoise. I’m even gladder than I’ve ever been in my entire hole life. Of course when I develop ALL my Super powers and get to fly to Metropolis, Illinoise, then that’ll be the gladdest moment I ever had. But until then rig’ht now is my gladdest entire moment and that’s why I wanted to say Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank YouThankYouThank You Thank YOU thank YOU thank YOU thank YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I LOVE YOU, SUPER PAL!
Jerry Chariot
Dear SUPERman,
We’re supposed to be starting our Religion homework now but I just HAD to write you a letter right away and tell you about the dream I had which is VERY importent because it miglit save your life from death.
You see, Superman, last niglit I drempt that somebody gave you a gold coin which is JUST like the one my Ant Hellen has which is real old and real g’old. And she said she’s gonna give it to me someday when I grow up when she dies. That’s why I always have to kiss her every time we go visit her and Uncle Dominic every Sunday. Except I don’t like to kiss her mouth because it’s all wrinkled and ugly but I do it anyway especially when she lets me look at that gold coin she’s gonna give me if I keep on kissing her. So I do.
Only the coin I dreamed about wasn’t real gold because it was Gold Kryptonite and it took away ALL your Super powers, Superman. And that’s when you saw this woman with a baby going across the street and a truck was coming and the truck didn’t have any breaks and so you ran into a phone booth in front of Andy’s Donuts and turned into Superman. Only you didn’t know you wasn’t Super nomore. And so you jumped right in front of the truck and you put out your hands and yelled,
“THIS IS A JOB . . . FOR SUPERMAN!”
Which is when the truck ran over you and the mother and the baby too. And then it ran right into Bacchio’s News Stand and it killed Mrs. Bacchio when she was standing behind the counter where I always buy my comicbooks every Monday after school when Mr. Durrelli brings them in at 4 o’clock. And that’s why I thought I should tell you about that dream RIGHT away so you can be REAL careful in case Mr. Mxyzptlk! or somebody gives you a gold coin. Goodby.
YOUR FRIEND JERRY CHARIOT
SUPERPAL,
My mom said sometimes dreams come true. Like the time she dreamed that Mrs. Fazzari up the street was dieing and two weeks later she died of a hard attack. She was 91 years old. And every time one of the neighbors dies then my mom bakes apple pies and cakes and stuff like that and she brings them to the house where the body used to live and where all the relatives are crying and eating. I remember how I had to kneel in front of Mrs. Fazzari’s dead body and say a prayer so her soul wouldn’t go to Hell and I couldn’t have any pie until I did it. And so I did it. And that’s when I noticed that her lips were real red and she had a nice smile which I never saw before. And her dress was real pretty and she looked a LOT better than she ever did in real life. So I was thinking maybe death isn’t such a bad thing- after all but still I hope you’ll be REAL careful around any gold, Superman. Because if you do touch any, then don’t forget to make sure you have ALL your Super powers before you stand in front of any trucks that don’t have any breaks OK? Goodby again.
JERRY again
PS: Robert didn’t get a chance to tell Sister Mary Justin about Metropolis yet because we haven’t had Geography for three days because we had three extra Religion classes instead because we’re gonna be making our First Holy Communion pretty soon. But don’t worry, he’ll tell her. Because if he don’t then I will.
Dear Man of Tomorrow,
The other day in Geography class Sister Mary Justin was talking about the Holy Trinity. And she said there’s three persons in one God and they’re the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost amen. And I said HOW CAN THERE BE THREE PERSONS WHEN THERE ISN’T EVEN ONE PERSON BECAUSE HE’S A GOD AND NOT A PERSON? And Sister Mary Justin said THAT’S TRUE, HE IS A GOD BUT THERE ARE THREE DIFFERENT PARTS TO THAT GOD. And I said YOU MEAN LIKE A PUZZEL? And Sister Mary Justin said NOT EXACTLY, IT’S MORE LIKE A STATUE WITH THREE FACES. And I said HOW DO YOU KNOW GOD HAS THREE FACES IF YOU CANT SEE HIM UNTIL AFTER YOU DIE LIKE YOU TOLD US? And Sister Mary Justin was starting to get mad. But she said WELL, GOD TOLD US. And I said WHO DID HE TELL? And she said THE WORLD. And I said WHEN? And she said WHEN HIS ONLY SON JESUS CHRIST CAME DOWN ON EARTH AND DIED FOR OUR SINS. And I said HOW DID JESUS KNOW? And she said BECAUSE HE’S THE SON OF GOD AND SO HE’S A MEMBER OF THE HOLY TRINITY AND SO HE’S REALLY GOD AND SO HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. And I said I STILL DON’T GET IT. And Sister Mary Justin said YOU SHOULD NOT BE A DOUBTING THOMAS. SIT DOWN, JEROME! So I sat down.
So after school Robert and me talked about it a long time and we decided that it’s easy to see how sometimes you can be SUPERMAN and sometimes you can be CLARK KENT. But you can never be both at the same time. So how can Sister Mary Justin believe in three Gods that you can never see until after you die but she don’t believe in one Superman that you can watch on TV? That’s what we can’t figure out. Maybe she’s been praying too much and God’s been giving her too much information and she’s getting it all mixed up. That’s what I said. So Robert said WELL, MAYBE I BETTER NOT TELL HER ABOUT METROPOLIS BECAUSE SHE’LL JUST GET THAT MIXED UP TOO AND I’LL GET IN TROUBLE. And I said YOU’RE JUST ASCARED TO TELL HER BECAUSE YOU’RE CHICKEN! And Robert said NO SIR I AM NOT! So I started making noises like a chicken. And so now Robert’s gonna tell her if we ever have Geography again.
Your friends,
JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO
Dear Superman,
Well, we had Geography again and Robert said I better not write and tell you about it because it was REALLY terrible and Robert cried like I did. But I said we have to tell Superman because he’s our friend and we told him we would. My mom says a friend is a person who you can tell bad thing's to and they’ll listen. And I said I thought that’s what a priest was? And my mom said Yes, a priest is also a friend. But Robert said if I tell you about it then he’ll NEVER speak to me again in his hole life and maybe even longer. Like if we both go to the same place like Heaven or Hell or Purgatory. And you know what I think, Superman? I think he means it. In fact I’m sure he does. And so I’m really sorry. I hope you understand and don�
�t get mad or anything. You see, Robert is also my friend and I don’t have too many friends anymore and I really like Robert quite a bit. And so I better not tell you OK? Because I know Robert would REALLY feel bad if I told you how everybody laughed at him and called him names and how Sister Mary Justin said he was almost as dumb as Jerome if that’s possible. And he would feel even badder if you told Jimmy Olsen about it. So I better not do it because I just can’t. So I hope you really understand.
YOUR FRIEND, JERRY
PS: GOSH you shoulda seen it, Superman!
DEAR SUPERMAN,
I just read that story about you and Mr. Mxyzptlk! and I think he’s really neat. I like him better than anybody I ever read about in your comicbooks except for you and Supergirl and Jimmy Olsen. And Robert likes him quite a bit too. And that’s why we’re writing this letter.