Finding Brielle (a Forever & Always novel)

by Paige, Alyvia

  “And she smiles…”

  “Shut it Hannah Banana.” I laugh making my way to Jase’s tailgate where he is comfortably lounging.

  “What a surprise Mr. Fields,” I mock annoyance as I stand blocking his face from the sunlight.

  “Surprise? I told you I was coming when you texted me earlier. You said it was fine.” Jase’s brows furrow in confusion.

  “HANNAH, you twatmuffler!” I bellow to her sashaying backside as she makes her way into the house. “It was Banana messaging you on my phone.”

  “Well, I’m glad I was only slightly descriptive of the Gherkin that’s in need of jerkin.” His body shakes with laughter before the baritone song pours out of his delectable mouth.

  Delectable mouth… what the hell?

  “Your gherkin is NOT getting a jerkin here buddy! Good try! But you can come in and I’ll fill you in on my trip to Dr. Bradley’s.” I smile retreating to the house hearing him quickly follow behind me. “How’s Shellie?”

  “Mom’s good, she says you owe her a visit since she missed you today.”

  “You hungry?” I ask changing the topic as we join Hannah in the kitchen. “Buckin fananas, Hannah, eat something else.”

  “What are you making,” she mumbles around her mouthful of smooshed disgustingness.

  I’ve been off kilter all week. Shit, I’ve been off since Thanksgiving. Between taking a more permanent role taking care of Isaac due to my parents going on their annual trip to Europe for a month, work kicking my ass as I learn Hannah’s job, and Brielle being weird as fuck… I’m about five seconds from a breakdown. I called Brielle three days ago; ending the call with what I thought was a joke and her to call me… perhaps that was the wrong tactic. Hannah is off for a three-day weekend, so there is no way, she can “suggest” I not come over. Yep she suggests, because Brielle has been under the weather and not up for company – NOT that my girl can tell me this herself.

  Typically, this behavior wouldn’t bother me, but Brielle has been not only my lover, but also my friend, for a long time. She helped me heal after my sister passed away, she was always there with me for Isaac, she’s been my constant, even with the rocky moments. Sure, I’ve pulled a few dick moves when Brody and I went out to chill – you remember the gymnast – but she always knew there was no one else – only her. I just don’t get her sudden retraction. Everything with her went to hell in a fuckin wagon when Braydon came to visit her. The things he mentioned… getting kicked out of Whole Foods.

  That’s not my Brielle, something has changed.

  Pulling up to the gate outside of Buenos Aires Estates, I pass my license to Nolan, the resident security guard, “guest of Hannah James.”

  “Thank you Mr. Timmons, enjoy your visit.” He says offhandedly with a nod as the gate rises. Well at least my visitors pass hasn’t been revoked. That’s something. Driving through the gated community, pausing for the occasional golf cart zooming around between the residences and course trails, I begin to second-guess my spur of the moment visit. At least my neighbors were able to keep Isaac for a few hours longer tonight. I just need to see with my own eyes that Brielle is okay. Then again, the calls and texts, or lack thereof, and second hand message delivery is beginning to piss me off more than worry me.

  The house seems quiet when I roll into the drive, both Hannah and Brielle’s vehicles parked in front of the closed garage bays and the house lights appear dim from this angle. Generally, you can hear music playing from the pool area or the stereo system within the house when on the stoop, but not today. After three knocks leaves the door unanswered, I push the laminated doorbell with the pad of my thumb setting a sequence of melodic bells to life as well as a pair of quick shuffling feet.

  “H-hey Chase,” Hannah stammers as she steps out onto the stoop pulling the door closed behind her. “What’s up?”

  “Just came to see my girl, is she home?” I ask, all but knowing she is here, unless she’s with someone else.

  “Uh yeah, she was sleeping when I last checked. Let me see if she is up for company…”

  “Hannah, just cut the shit and let me in,” my words come out more frustrated than I intend.

  “Ooookay crabby pants, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.” she grumbles pushing the door open as she backs into the house. I swear she grimaces at me.

  “What’s that for?” First, the not so subtle warning, and then the obvious scowl.

  “Nothing, and don’t mind the mess, we’re wedding planning.” She beams – weird women and their mood shifts.

  Following Hannah through the foyer, around the living room and into the kitchen, eyes on my girl – her knees curled underneath her as she sits atop the granite island in the middle of the room flipping through a magazine. She looks perfectly fucking normal to me – makeup on, fully dressed in short floral printed shorts and a flowing neon coral colored tank top. I take my time taking her in before she looks up, not that I care. I’ve missed her.

  “Hey baby,” I smile when her chocolate eyes meet mine.

  “Oh, hi Chase, what’s up?” she asks through a responsive smile as I move to her side, pulling her toward me.

  “Not much, I just wanted to drop by and check in on you on my way home. I’ve missed you.”

  “Oh,” she says again hugging me back before pulling away all too quickly. “Where’s Isaac?”

  Well, that wasn’t what I anticipated hearing after not seeing her for over a week, but it’s a good sign, right? She’s bonded with my nephew… and yet she still keeps dodging me. I still don’t know the extensive details of what went down on Thanksgiving – what the doctor had said or what was entirely at cause. Maybe this goes a whole lot fucking deeper than she told me.

  “So… where ya been? Because not to be a dick, but you look fine, great actually.” I smirk while rubbing the back of my neck.

  “I’ve just… I’ve just not been up for entertaining, or company for that matter.”

  “Brielle, come on. You don’t need to entertain me and I’d like to think I’m more than just your company. So, don’t feed me your bullshit. Tell me what’s wrong, I’ll fix it, or do my best to fix it. Just let me help.” My voice boasts loudly through the room, her lack of care and scrunched up face of annoyance leaves me feeling beyond exasperated at the fact that I know nothing.

  “Okay, no bullshit. Let’s um…” mumbling she slips off the kitchen island and ambles into the living room. “Sit.” And we do – me against the armrest turned to face her as she curls into the sofa cushion.

  “Brielle…” I murmur, “Please just talk to me baby. I love you, you know this. Let me fix whatever is going on.”

  “STOP!” She snarls, “You cannot fix me. I cannot be fixed.”

  “Whoa, I’m sorry. Fuck.” I mutter raising my hands in surrender, “Let’s start over. Please just talk to me, I’ll listen.” I say calmly and let out a long breath just as a cell phone begins to ring.

  “All right so, I have been not myself… for a while now. I think you know that though, because you’re beyond observant sometimes. Anyway, in September I had gone to my doctor who then sent me to a surgeon who performed a minimally invasive operation.” Her chest heaves while she looks out the wall of windows into the back yard. “So, I have been following some new treatment plans to help alleviate the pain that comes along with the Endometriosis, that’s what’s wrong with me. I have a non-life-threatening, chronic pain disease to which there is no cure, only treatment plans.”

  “Okay, so…” I put my hand out to ensure it’s all right with her that I pause her explanation and proceed at the nod of her head. “This has caused the rift between us, why you’ve been avoiding me?”

  “No, that’s just… I can’t explain it Chase. You are a great friend, but when we called off “us” so that you could help your parents and I could adjust to some changes in my life, for me, our relationship ended.” Her eyes fill with something beyond unhappiness as she continues, almost emptiness. “I – I can’t continue wit
h you thinking this is going to be something more than a friendship.”

  “Is that all this is, Brielle? A friendship? Because I see myself marrying you, having a family with you and Isaac, all of it. You don’t see that, did I seriously fail that badly at showing you I wanted that?” I’m teetering on the edge of heartbreak and pissed the fuck off. Seriously, two plus years and she just now decides she doesn’t want a relationship… only a friendship. The woman I want to spend my life with and have help me raise Isaac has put me into the motherfucking friend-zone.

  “That’s just it, um, you know that saying… ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ As much as I would like to say that right now, it’s just not the case because it is you.”

  Did she seriously just fucking say that?

  My left brow arches and I huff out a breath as she flails her hands around trying to redirect whatever fucking train just derailed. “Fuck. That came out wrong,” she mumbles and I’m rendered speechless. “What I mean is you want those things… a family – kids. I don’t know that I can give that to you, I don’t know that I want to give that to you. You are looking at me to help raise Isaac with you, and I didn’t sign up to be Keelie’s replacement. And face it Chase, I have been the one woman by your side just months after she passed. She was your best friend, I took that role.” I feel the heat rush through my body like instant anger. Yes, let’s throw some gasoline to the fire. I swear to god she doesn’t think before she speaks.

  “Are you fucking kidding me Brielle, nearly three years, and THIS? I used you to replace Keelie? So tell me, who the fuck did I replace for you? Because in my mind, right now, you are projecting your issues on me?” I glower.

  “W-what? Really?” she begins to stammer then looks away from me again. “I never used you, which is why I wanted to officially draw the line Chase; I don’t want to be that person.”

  “So this isn’t up for discussion… the whole you not wanting children thing? You’re perfect for me, made for me…”

  “No, I don’t think I am, I know I’m not, and because I know without a doubt you want your own children and you’ve already begun to take care of Isaac full time. I just… I can’t handle that, emotionally or physically, where I am in my life.” Her voice quivers and a lone tear drops from her sad eyes. “I will never be that perfect girl for you, I can't be. I never will be." She buries her head in her hands and takes a long deep breath before standing up alongside the sofa.

  Pushing up off the sofa, I stand in front of her, my hands jammed into my front pockets and shake my head, with defeat. “Unbelievable Brielle, sadly I’m not certain I even know who you are right now. I surely know you aren’t who I fell in love with, but I am willing to work to fix anything. But two people have to want that, right?” I pull her into a hug and kiss the crown of her head. “I guess there’s nothing else to say.”

  “Chase, I’m sorry. I know this is cliché and all that, but I hope we can remain friends because we were really great at it, most of the time.”

  “Yeah, not now Brielle. I need to get home to Isaac.” I say releasing her and walking to the front door, eyes ahead, no looking back.

  That went well… NOT! Me and my filter. I swear I should come with duct tape – across my mouth permanently. I mean, yes, I got my point across but muddled with what-the-fuck-ever all that was. Begrudgingly, I make my way to the front door behind Chase cutting him off and opening the door. I mean, I’m trying to be half way mature about all of this. It’s not the fault of either of us. Sometimes you can care deeply for someone; love them even, but if the timing is wrong… it will never work. Unfortunately, it just isn’t in the card for us.

  “Chase, I hope that one day you’ll understand.” Giving him a weak smile, I open the door and follow him outside, but stay on the stoop. Just as I was about to turn back into the house, Jase pulls into the drive.

  Great, unnecessary pissing contest to begin immediately.

  Chase spins on his heels and glares, “One day I’ll understand what? That this had absofuckinlutely nothing to do with me!? One day I’ll understand that this was all because you were too much of a fucking coward to say I’m sucking him off, therefore I don’t need you anymore!? Fuck this, fuck you!”

  “…the fuck did you just say,” Jase bellows walking up behind Chase.

  “I didn’t fucking stutter. I’m over this bullshit. Unfuckingbelievable!”

  “I think it’s best if you get lost Timmons, Brielle doesn’t want you here. She’s obviously made that clear.”

  “Yeah, something like that. Enjoy my sloppy seconds, prick.” That’s the last thing I heard from Chase’s mouth before the fist to face connection cracked through the evening air. The groceries Jase had carried in plastic bags sway from his shift after the blow. Holy shit, he punched him! What the hell? Leaving my place on the stoop, I stomp toward them both, my body on fire as anger surges through me.

  ”He isn’t getting any because we are friends, NOT that it is your business. Just get the fuck out of here Chase! The guard will be notified to ensure you leave.” I spew, raising my hand to strike him across the face again, but am held back by Jase’s hand.

  “Let’s go, you don’t need the stress,” he grunts in my ear and without another word I head back into the house. “Do not contact her or come here again, that was your only warning Timmons, next time you won’t get up.” Jase scowls toward Chase then follows me into the house.

  December 5

  Did that really happen? It wasn’t necessary. Chase has never acted irate or irrational in front of me. Never impulsive. That’s the thing… he was always so prim and proper when I was in his presence. Hell, his friend from work even mentioned it once before we split in August. How can someone love you if they don’t know you? I guess that’s my fault. He fell in love with the one part of me that I conformed for him. I never felt comfortable to show all of me even in all the time we were together. That’s when we split, when he didn’t know how to handle things… things being me. I’d be moody, I’d be super silly, I’d be me… the non-fronting self that I am only like in front of my parents. The me that Jase has seen multiple times as of late. I gave up on trying to hide it, he makes me feel safe. He’s always been there like that.

  My pain level is through the roof, my doctor’s appointment to start Lupron Depot injections is in thirty minutes, Hannah leaves next week, the wedding is almost planned minus fittings and I just want to sleep or cry… maybe both. Since Chase’s splendid appearance at my place, I have maintained a fairly stress-free two weeks. I’m still not leaving the house much and I prefer to lay curled in a ball, but hopefully things are changing. After reading all the literature on GnHR, I called the doctor’s office and confirmed that I would like to proceed with treatment. Then I called the few of my clients that I still had contracts and engagements with and assisted them in finding replacements. A few days later, my insurance cleared the treatment, and here we are – Miami. Seriously, I need a closer doctor, but then again Miami is what gave me back my friend. And all of this would be just… I don’t even know without his support.

  “Let’s go Ellie,” Jase nudges me from the fog of my thoughts.

  “Sorry, LaLa Land was calling my name. This freaking trip is a bigger pain in the ass than anal!”

  “Must be doing it wrong if it hurts, babe,” he sniggers and meets me at the front of the car.

  “Shaddup, you!” I laugh smacking my hand against his rock hard stomach. Damn he’s been working out.

  Upon checking in, we wait and wait… no seriously at least forty minutes has lapsed since I signed in. Doctors. Suck. And so does this trash soap opera. Jase’s phone has buzzed nearly twenty times since we sat down, between flipping through applications and texting I don’t know how he still has battery power at the end of each day without a charger attached to his hip.

  “Ms. Sava,” a lanky blonde nurse calls from the doorway into the clinical section of the doctor’s office. “Sorry for the wait, Dr. Bradley was in delivery and we n
eeded to speak with her regarding your appointment. Please follow me.”

  “I’ll be back in a few,” I mumble to Jase before following the nurse into a dark room.

  “Sorry,” she mutters tapping the auto-activation switch on the light panel. “No clue why that was off. Anywho, Dr. B says you are getting one injection every month for a duration of six months. Now, if you don’t want to drive all the way to Miami, just let us know a week before it is time to receive your next treatment and we will order it to your local OBGYN office.”

  “Okay.”

  “Any questions?” Her smile almost makes me more nervous than her tapping the vial to mix the medication. Holy fuck, that needle is huge! All I manage is a quick shake of my head before she begins to push the air out of the tube causing just a drop to spill over the end. “Turn and drop your pants, this has to go into your hip. I will document your chart because we will need to alternate which side we stick going forward.”

  “Lucky me,” I whimper. “So, aside from the pamphlets Dr. B sent home with me, is there anything to watch out for or be mindful of?”

  “Relax your backside Brielle; otherwise this is going to hurt like a mother f… really bad.” I start to laugh at her almost f-bomb and my body relaxes just as the needle pierces my ass cheek.

  “Dammit to hell, that hurt!” I shout to her snicker, and go to pull up my yoga pants. What? Comfort, I dress for comfort.

  “Wait, I have to massage the location for 2 minutes.”

  “You have got to be kidding me,” I whine defensively before leaning forward on my elbows against the paper-covered table. “This should be in the pamphlets, extremely huge fucking needles and ass massages at each injection.” The nurse laughs and removes her hand. “Done?”