Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  I patted her knee. “Maybe. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun surprises today. Ready?”

  She nodded and I got out of the car and walked around to her side and opened the door. She crawled out and I helped her put on her Pink Princess backpack, positioning the glittery straps over her narrow shoulders. We’d started walking toward the main entrance when I felt her delicate hand brush against mine. I wrapped my fingers around hers and we walked hand in hand into the building.

  The office was bustling with parents coming and going. We stood in line behind a tall man in a suit and a girl who looked to be about Piper’s age. The girl stared at Piper, her black eyes swallowing her pretty face. She flashed a bright white smile at Piper and Piper turned toward me, mushing her tiny body against my leg. I smiled. “Hi. What’s your name?”

  She mashed her lips together as if she was trying to keep from talking.

  The man she was with turned around and smiled. “Go ahead, tell the nice lady what your name is.”

  She looked up at the man, the tiny black braids hugging her head flopping about.

  He arched his eyebrows and nodded. “Don’t be rude. Answer the mother’s question.”

  I gasped. It wasn’t the first time I’d been mistaken for Piper’s mother, but it still made me catch my breath, especially since the last time had ended in Piper having a meltdown.

  “I’m not her mother,” I explained. “I’m her sister.”

  The man extended his hand. “My apologies. This is Jacy.” He patted the girl on her shoulder. And I’m Marcus.”

  I shook his hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Rachel and this is Piper.”

  “I like your hair,” Piper told Jacy.

  Jacy smiled. “I like yours, too.”

  By luck, it turned out the girls had the same teacher and an aide came to take them to their room. I squatted so I was eye to eye with Piper. “Now remember to keep your special ID necklace on. That way the helpers can make sure you get on the right bus.”

  “And you’ll be at the bus stop, right?”

  “Right. Just like I promised.”

  Marcus smiled and we watched the girls walk with the aide. Jacy reached over and took Piper’s hand.

  “It looks like the girls made at least one new friend today,” I said.

  Marcus smiled. “That’s good. Jacy was worried she wouldn’t make any friends.”

  “Piper, too. I’m glad we ended up in line behind you.”

  Marcus and I walked out of the school building together, exchanging some more small talk about the weather. My phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my purse and read the text. It was from Claire.

  Free tonight? How about happy hour at White Rose?

  I texted back.

  Can’t. Piper’s first day of school.

  She responded.

  K. Another time maybe? Miss you!

  Yeah, sure, I thought. Another time. But we both knew there probably wouldn’t be another time. I had Piper now. Everything was different. I exhaled a heavy sigh. I missed my old life, the one where I was attending college and bartending at Jack’s. I was only a few classes shy of earning my social work degree when I learned Mom had died. So I dropped out of college, hoping to return one day, and scrambled to find a day job so I could take care of Piper.

  Mom’s best friend, Judy, who had tracked me down when Mom died, hooked me up with a cleaning agency. She knew the owner, who was looking for help. I wasn’t crazy about cleaning, but the money was good and I could work around Piper’s schedule. I needed that kind of flexibility.

  I looked into my rearview mirror and put the car in reverse, slowly pulling out. Damn, Mom, I thought. Why’d you have to die?

  I hadn’t realized how expensive it was to raise a child. Mom left us a few dollars in her bank account, barely enough to cover the cost of her funeral. And who knew when we’d have enough to buy her a tombstone. Probably never. I hate saying this, but it wasn’t at the top of my shopping list. There were too many other things we needed. Or rather Piper needed. Shoes. Clothing. And food.

  The traffic was backed up from an accident and it was taking me longer to get to my cleaning job than I’d planned. I was at a standstill between exits on the interstate so I called Claire. When she answered, I could tell by the sound of her voice she was still in bed. “I thought you’d be up by now.”

  “Are you kidding me?” She yawned. “You know I don’t get up before noon unless I have to. Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, guess I just forgot. Hard to believe that was me a few months ago.”

  Claire laughed. “Next thing you know you’ll be driving a minivan.”

  I’m not sure what came over me but I burst into tears. I sobbed so hard that I could barely see out my front window. Between the rain, which had just started, and my tears, the world was one big blur.

  “Rachel, I’m sorry,” Claire shouted. “I didn’t mean it. Honest.”

  I sniffed. “It’s okay. You’re right. I’m like a fifty-year-old stuck in a twenty-two-year-old body.”

  “Oh, come on. It’s not that bad,” Claire said. “I tell you what. You get a date and I’ll watch Piper. I’ll even come to your apartment so I can put her to bed and you can come home whenever.”

  “First, I have to get a date. And the chances of that are slim considering my life revolves around Piper. There’s no time for anything else. I can’t even go for a run anymore.”

  “Why?” Claire said. “Have Piper ride her bike alongside you.”

  I sighed. “She doesn’t have a bike.”

  “What? No bike? What kid doesn’t have a bike?”

  “This kid. Look, I’m okay. Sorry for the meltdown. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I’ll get over it. I have to go. I’m cleaning Howard’s house today.”

  “The hoarder?”

  “Yes. It seems every week the junk in his house multiplies like my credit card debt. I convince him to trash a pile of newspapers he’s had for a decade and another pile appears. I’ll never understand how someone can live like that.”

  We hung up and when I walked into Howard’s house I found him at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. The tiny patch of white hair on top of his head stood straight up. The white hair growing out of his ears resembled wiry rabbit whiskers. He looked out over his thick black reading glasses perched on the tip of his broad nose. “Good morning,” he muttered.

  I threw my purse on the kitchen counter, taking up the last piece of vacant real estate. “Hi, Howard. You look well today.”

  He muttered something that sounded like a cross between a thank you and a “I know you’re lying just to be nice” comment.

  “Anything special you’d like me to tackle today?” I noticed a new stack of travel magazines had sprouted under the table, leaving Howard with a tiny square space for his feet.

  He didn’t look up from the newspaper. “Nope. Same as usual.”

  “You know, Howard, you should consider getting rid of some of your junk… er, stuff. It’d make it easier to clean.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “When I moved I donated a lot of things to the thrift store. They were happy to have them. You could do the same. Perhaps your daughter would help you.”

  He sucked in a bucket of air and exhaled it slowly through his noticeably chapped lips. “Margaret? I haven’t seen Margaret in weeks.”

  “Isn’t that odd? Don’t you usually see her every week?”

  “Not since she’s taken up with that bozo. She brought him here a while back and he didn’t impress me none. Sells insurance or something. Wanted to sell me some. I told him I had enough.”

  “Well, okay then. But I’d bet Margaret would help if you asked her.”

  Howard turned the newspaper page. “She’d want something for her trouble. She always does.”

  I wished I hadn’t brought up Margaret’s name. Howard was becoming more belligerent by the moment. “Well, I’d better get started.”

  He muttered as I slid away, fo
llowing the curved path flanked on either side by junk that reached the ceiling, toward the bathroom.

  Chapter 2

  Mary

  I made a cup of Earl Grey and called a cleaning agency to see about getting some help. I’d finally broken down after all these years and decided it was time. It’s not that I couldn’t afford to hire help; it was a matter of pride, I suppose. I’d lived in this house for more than fifty years and had always been able to take care of it. Inside and out. But I couldn’t any longer. It’d been in James’s family for more than a century. I thought we’d have children and that we’d pass it on to them. But that was before I knew about James.

  I remembered the first time I’d seen this house. It was the most beautiful house I’d ever been in. Grander than I’d even imagined it would be. Mahogany and marble. Rooms full of antiques. Rich tapestries and the finest accessories. It seemed such a shame that a successful man like James lived alone in this big old house. His parents, whom he had lived with, had died in a tragic car accident the year before.

  James and I had been dating a few months. He was my father’s business partner and to please my father and keep peace in the house, I agreed to date James. He was twenty-five years older than me and nice enough, but he wasn’t Teddy. I never felt any tingle when I was with James like I felt when I was with Teddy.

  Anyway, James had taken me on a tour of the house. When we got to the master bedroom, I thought maybe he’d want to do more than kiss. That’s all we ever did and I was beginning to think he might want to do a little more. But he didn’t. He just continued to show me the house. I thought he was such a gentleman, not taking advantage of me when he clearly could have. And despite not loving him, my respect for him grew.

  As James led me on a tour, I began to imagine living in the house. I thought about what colors I’d paint the walls and how I’d decorate the rooms. Which room would be the best one for the nursery. Surely the one closest to the master bedroom. By the time we’d finished the tour, I had completely renovated the house and the grounds in my mind.

  I smiled at the distant memories, trying to remember details that had faded over time. After I finished talking to the manager at the cleaning agency, I picked up the morning paper and walked into the solarium. This had become my morning routine. I did some volunteering a few days a week and kept a couple days open for appointments. Today was an appointment day. I’d scheduled my annual check-up with my ob-gyn today. It was hard to believe at my age I still had to get regular check-ups.

  I sat down on my easy chair facing the large window that looked out over the beautiful gardens, filled with all my favorite trees and shrubs and flowers. The day was bright and sunny and I noticed a few birds eating from the feeder I’d placed near the window. I opened the paper to the obituary page. It was always the first page I read, mostly because it seemed like more and more people I knew were ending up there.

  I scanned the names on the page. When I saw June’s name, I gasped. June was my best friend growing up. We’d lost touch years ago when Mother and Father sent me away to a maternity house to live with other young girls who had “got themselves in trouble.” June was the one who’d introduced me to Teddy, the only man I’d ever loved.

  I walked over to the antique cherry sideboard sitting in the corner and opened the door. I reached in and took out my old diary. I patted the red and gold faux leather journal. Every once in a while I’d pull it out and read the entries I’d made a lifetime ago. It made me sad to remember what could’ve been so I didn’t do it often, but seeing June’s obituary stirred a need to remember that sliver of my past.

  I’d never been happier than when I was with Teddy. He was the only man I ever loved and the only man I’d ever been with. Even after James died twenty years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to date. Oh, there were plenty of invites, but I felt it was too late for love. It was too late for a lot of things now. Like motherhood.

  I opened my diary and began to read:

  July 13, 1956

  Dear Diary,

  I saw you while Mother and I were shopping in the department store and begged her to buy you for me. My best friend, June, has a diary and I wanted one, too. It seems like every girl should have a diary, a place to share our secrets. I’ll have to keep you locked and hidden because Mother is nosey and sometimes goes through my things. I wish I had a brother or sister, someone else to share the burden of having a mother such as mine. She never lets me do anything. I’m the only girl I know who can’t date until she’s eighteen. But I have a plan. I’m going to sneak out of the house and meet June and Henry, who will park down the street and around the corner. Henry is June’s boyfriend. He’s a senior in prep school. Henry’s bringing a friend. My first date! I’ll let you know how it goes. I wonder if he’ll kiss me. I’ve never been kissed.

  Love, Mary Katherine

  I closed my tired eyes. I’d never forgotten the first time I saw Teddy. He wore a leather jacket, white T-shirt and jeans. And he was smoking. Chesterfields, I think. My heart fluttered just remembering the blind date. We went to the drive-in to see The King and I. Teddy and I sat in the back seat and he put his arm around me. He whispered in my ear and told me to relax. When I saw June put her head on Henry’s shoulder, I put mine on Teddy’s. It felt nice.

  When Henry dropped June and I off, Teddy got out of the car. I remember standing on my tiptoes and stretching up and him leaning down. And then we kissed. I will never forget my first kiss and the way it made me feel like I was being tickled from the inside.

  I flipped through the entries, reading no one in particular.

  July 24, 1956

  Dear Diary,

  Mother and Father went to see Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis at the Copacabana Club so Teddy came to the house and picked me up in his T-bird. We went to the malt shop and Teddy bought me a vanilla shake. Then we drove around and Teddy took me to Lovers’ Point. We kissed. A lot. I like kissing Teddy, but I think he wants to do more. He started to unbutton my blouse but I stopped him. I’ll have to ask June what to do.

  Love, Mary Katherine

  August 4, 1956

  Dear Diary,

  I love Elvis’s new song, “Hound Dog.” Mother and Father don’t like his music. They prefer listening to Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald or Doris Day. Mother won’t stop singing “Que Sera, Sera.”

  I didn’t get to see Teddy for a couple of days because he went with his parents to visit relatives in Maine. But he’s coming back tomorrow and I can’t wait. I might let him take my blouse off if he still wants to.

  Love, Mary Katherine

  August 22, 1956

  Dear Diary,

  Father and Mother are celebrating President Eisenhower and Vice President Nixon’s nomination for a second term in office. It’s all so boring if you ask me. Who cares about the Republican National Convention anyway? I’d much rather think about Teddy.

  Love, Mary Katherine

  September 9, 1956

  Dear Diary,

  June and I watched Elvis on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” When he sang “Love Me Tender” I thought I was going faint.

  Mother walked in while he was performing “Ready Teddy” and yelled for Father. They were outraged by the way Elvis shook his hips, but June and I liked it.

  I can’t wait until tomorrow. Teddy and I are going to our special place. It’s so special that I can’t even tell you. It’s tippy top secret. I talked to June and I think I’m ready to go the whole way with Teddy. I know he wants to even though he said he’ll wait. But he’s headed back to school and I don’t want to wait any longer. I just hope it doesn’t hurt like June said.

  Love, Mary Katherine

  I closed my diary and leaned back on the easy chair. I closed my eyes and pictured my and Teddy’s special place. It was in an abandoned cabin in the woods. Teddy was so gentle and made me feel so special. And even though it hurt, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. I lay in his arms a long time afterward and we talked about o
ur dreams.

  “So what do you want to be when you grow up?” I had asked.

  He kissed the top of my head. “Your husband.”

  I sat up and leaned down until I was staring him in the face. “Do you mean that?”

  He lifted his head and kissed me. “Of course I mean it. You know I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m crazy about you.”

  I smiled and we kissed some more.

  I lay back down. “So, besides my husband, what do you want to be?”

  “Maybe a lawyer.”

  “I hate lawyers,” I spit out.

  “That’s only because your father is a lawyer and you hate him.”

  “True. But I could never hate you.”

  “So, what do you want to be, Mary?”

  “A mother. I’ve always wanted to have lots of children. Five or six.”

  “Five or six? That’s a lot of children. How about three? Maybe I’ll let you talk me into four.”

  Teddy and I had agreed on four children that night and he never learned, as far as I knew, that I had one of them.

  Chapter 3

  Rachel

  After I left Howard’s house, I stopped by the cleaning agency to ask for more work. I figured I could fit in another job and sort of hoped that maybe I could find someone to replace Howard. Cleaning his bathroom made me want to vomit. He’d left a pile of yellowed toenail clippings by the toilet, which looked like it hadn’t been flushed in days.

  “One just came in,” Annie said. “An older woman. She sounded really nice. Said cleaning her house is just getting to be too much for her.”

  Annie wrote down the information and handed the slip of paper to me. I looked at the name and address she’d written. “Mary McAlaster. Three forty-five Berkshire Drive.” I looked at Annie. “Isn’t this that ritzy area on top of the hill across from the college?”

  Annie smiled. “Yes. Those homes are big so probably count on a full day.”