We Can Laugh Together Too (Walnut Grove Trilogy)

by Cindy Baker

  Livi dragged herself back from a long way away and turned towards him with a smile. “Good idea,” she approved. He vanished back into the kitchen and reappeared a minute later carrying two opened bottles, one of which he handed to her.

  It was a beautiful early summer evening; a gentle breeze wrapped itself around them, carrying the scents of roses from a nearby flowerbed, their sweet aroma mingling with the smell of freshly mown grass – without being asked, Isidoro had cut the lawn that afternoon.

  Matt reached across and gently took her hand in his. “This certainly is a lovely place. How long have you lived here?”

  Livi didn’t answer straight away. “Fifteen years,” she said finally. “We bought it while I was pregnant with Chrissy; she’s lived here all her life. We were very happy too; Will always dreamed of owning a thoroughbred farm, and even though I write for a living, I’ve always been connected with horses, one way or another. What with the money I earn with my writing, the yearling sales, and Pink Parachute’s winnings over the past two years, we’d reached a point where we were feeling reasonably secure financially.” Her eyes suddenly brimmed with tears, “but now it seems nothing is going right.”

  Matt gripped her hand tighter. He took her drink from her and placed it on the bench next to his. “God, how I wish I could be more help to you,” he said fervently. “You of all people don’t deserve all this heartache.” Cautiously, he pressed his lips against her forehead. All Livi’s instincts told her to pull back, pull away, but she couldn’t do it. Instead she placed her hands on his cheeks and allowed their eyes to connect. She held his gaze for the briefest of moments before turning away.

  Then suddenly she lowered her head and pressed her face into his shoulder. Matt kissed her hair, breathing in the faint scent of her shampoo. Gently he wrapped her in a tender embrace, all too aware that he could not surrender to the desires that were fast overwhelming him. Doing so would probably drive her away from him forever.

  And so he just sat there holding her, caressing the back of her neck, savoring their intimacy while it lasted. Livi clung to him tightly, drawing strength from his warmth and closeness.

  After what seemed like an age, they drew apart. She raised her eyes to meet his again and Matt hoped that his face didn’t betray all he was feeling inside. He heaved an inward sigh of relief when he saw a faint smile light up her face. He touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. “Okay?”

  She nodded. “Yes, yes I am.” Her voice grew more assured, “thank you for being here for me Matt, I didn’t realize how much you’ve come to mean to me.”

  His hands lingered gently on her shoulders; his voice was barely a whisper. “You mean a great deal to me too. The time we spend together is very special. I’ve lived for two years in an emotional vacuum, but over the past few weeks, I’ve felt alive again. In fact, I’m already dreading the day my contract here in Buellton ends. The agency I’m working for already expects me to go to the Napa Valley in July, for six weeks I think.”

  Livi gazed at him, dismayed. “Oh, no Matt, you can’t leave. Have you spoken to Doc Blair about a partnership? Surely he’ll be interested.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve tried to steer the conversation in that direction a couple of times, but he doesn’t bite. Maybe they already have someone lined up, although I must say, he doesn’t look or behave like a guy intending to retire any time soon. He could continue running the practice for years.”

  Livi retrieved her beer and took a gulp. In her haste some drops spilled onto her blouse. She flicked them away with her fingers. “Talk to Doc Massey when he comes back,” she urged. “After all, when Doc Blair does retire, he’ll be the senior partner, making the decisions.”

  Matt took her hands in his again, entwining his fingers in hers. “I will, don’t worry, but whatever happens, my contract here is going to run out in just over a month. Clearly Doc Blair has no immediate plans to change anything.”

  An unaccustomed wave of anxiety engulfed Livi; ordinarily she radiated self-sufficiency, and until now she hadn’t begun to comprehend how much she had grown to depend upon his uncomplicated day-to-day companionship; over the past weeks just his being there had given her back some stability to her life. She averted her eyes, afraid of the pain she knew he would see in them. “Well, we’ve still got a month,” she conceded in a small voice. “There are other towns and other equine practices around; surely something else will come up.”

  He sat close to her, yearning to embrace her again, but something inside cautioned him to hold back. He wanted to tell her he had fallen in love with her and that everything would be okay, but those were words he dared not voice -- yet. She was far too vulnerable, too insecure.

  The spell was suddenly broken by the ringing of his cell phone. He fished it from his jeans pocket. “Doc Allen . . .”

  His conversation was brief and concluded with, “I’m on my way,” before he turned back to Livi.

  “I’m so sorry; I have to go – an emergency. That was Doc Blair. Someone’s brought a horse into the clinic with colic which looks as if it’s developed into a twisted gut. We need to operate.”

  Livi instantly snapped out of her reverie. “Go. Don’t worry about me, I was just feeling sorry for myself.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive,” she asserted briskly, steering him gently towards his truck as she spoke.

  He opened the door, but turned back to give her a hug. For a moment she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, before he climbed in, started the engine and accelerated down the drive.

  Livi watched his tail-lights disappearing into the darkness then slowly, made her way across to the barn to check on the horses.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Livi was on edge for the next few days. She phoned her attorney each afternoon, but every time his answer was the same: nothing new to report; neither Edward nor his legal representative had responded to their letter.

  Meanwhile, the farm continued to run smoothly, and on impulse, Livi decided she was long overdue a day off. Submitting to the whims of chance, she drove into Santa Barbara and spent several relaxing hours wandering along the Waterfront and window shopping on State Street and Paseo Nuevo. She lunched at Maggie’s and bought little gifts for Chrissy, Rosa, Katia and Matt before heading back home, stopping on the way to pick up a takeout for dinner.

  Reaching Walnut Grove, she turned onto the drive and immediately recognized Matt’s pickup truck parked alongside the barn. Her heart skipped a beat; surely nothing could have gone wrong in the short time she had been absent.

  She parked her car behind his truck and entered the barn to discover nothing more ominous than Chrissy, Matt and Isidoro sitting on alfalfa bales, drinking sodas, deep in conversation.

  Matt jumped to his feet, a big smile on his face. “Here she is. Isidoro told us you’d absconded for the day. Did you enjoy yourself?”

  She heaved a sigh of relief. “I had a great time, thanks I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to play hooky for a few hours. Is everything okay here?”

  “But of course, Mrs. Leonard,” Isidoro assured her with great pride. “I’ve taken all the feeds round and checked the horses. Everything is good.”

  “And before you ask,” Chrissy interjected, “I’ve done my chores. I didn’t start dinner because I didn’t know when you’d be back.”

  “No problem, I’ve got a takeout,” said Livi. “Matt, you’ll join us, won’t you?”

  They said goodnight to Isidoro and crossed to the house, where Chrissy laid the table, Livi microwaved the various food containers to reheat their contents, and Matt fetched more drinks from the fridge.

  It was another perfect, balmy evening; the kitchen windows and door were wide open and through the screens the air was abuzz with the sounds of insects. A horse whinnied in the distance. Livi felt a mysterious understanding that, at that moment, they really were meant to be sitting there together in comfortable, easy companionship. She squeezed her eyes shut for a m
oment with the realization that maybe, at last, her battered and broken heart was beginning to heal.

  She opened her eyes again and discovered Matt watching her, his eyebrows faintly knotted together in concern. “Okay?” he asked.

  She nodded and patted his hand. “Yes, yes I am. I needed today; it’s made me feel human again. I’ve been hiding away feeling sorry for myself for too long.”

  His eyes held hers in their gaze and she found it impossible to look away; their eye contact seemed to convey a whole, unspoken dialog between them. For the briefest of moments it unnerved her, her heart was thumping. Eventually, she forced herself to break the connection. She glanced at Chrissy, expecting her daughter to be staring at her horror stricken, and was amazed when she realized their silent exchange had passed completely undetected.

  The brief spell was shattered though. Matt pushed himself to his feet. “I’d better get going,” he said awkwardly. Livi’s immediate reaction was to reach out and stop him, but she did nothing. Instead, it was Chrissy who protested.

  “So soon? Aren’t you going to tell Mom about your idea?”

  Livi eagerly grasped at the opportunity. “What idea, Matt?”

  He shrugged. “Nothing important. It can wait.”

  “No — your first idea was a lifesaver for me. If you’ve got another, I’d love to hear it.”

  Resigned, he resumed his seat. “When I was talking with Chrissy earlier, she mentioned she’s bored now school’s out. I was reading how the veterinary school here in California has an outreach program where qualified teenagers can visit for two week stints throughout the summer and care for their animals while the students are gone. I’d be happy to put in a word for Chrissy — if you agree, of course.”

  Livi was startled. “Oh, I don’t think so Matt. She’s only fourteen years old. She’s never been away from home longer than two or three nights, and those were with her grandparents.”

  “The college will supervise the kids appropriately,” he reassured her. “The university has a lot of prestige; they see it as a way to interest kids in a veterinary career.”

  “Please Mom,” Chrissy begged. “Please — I’ll be fifteen in August.”

  Livi raised her hands in resignation, laughing. “I’ll think about it, okay? I’ll read about the program, make some more inquiries and then make up my mind. Be reasonable Chrissy, you surely didn’t expect me to decide in a minute flat.”

  Chrissy flopped in her chair, dejected. “No, I didn’t. But you promise to think about it?”

  “I promise. Now make yourself useful and clear the table, don’t forget this is my day off.”

  Matt apparently completely forgot about his plans to leave and held his hand out to Livi. “Come on, it’s a beautiful evening, let’s walk the dogs.”

  They strolled out, past the horse barn and along the track between the paddocks. Isidoro’s house stood in the distance, but before reaching it, they opened a gate and turned into one of the empty paddocks. Both dogs instantly set off in eager but fruitless pursuit of a jackrabbit, only to return a few minutes later, tongues lolling.

  It was an exceptionally lovely evening; swifts twittered overhead, and a gentle whisper of breeze drifted past. In the distance rose the Sierra Madre Mountains, covered in chaparral, oak woodlands and a few small areas of coniferous woods, forming part of the Coastal Range which separates the Pacific coast from the agricultural expanse of the San Joaquin Valley.

  “Did you know,” asked Livi,” those mountains are almost entirely uninhabited? Most winters the highest peaks are covered in snow. The view from our back windows can be amazing.”

  Matt put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “And you’re an amazing lady,” he said earnestly.

  The words startled Livi. “Matt . . .” she said softly, “what are you saying? I thought we agreed to just be friends.”

  He laughed ironically. “Yes, that was the deal, to just be friends, but being your friend has made me realize how the hours I’m with you are the greatest event in my life recently. God knows, I’ve tried hard, but I want more than friendship.

  “I want more than to just stand next to you and talk to you; don’t get me wrong, I cherish the time I’m with you, but it’s not enough, there’s way too much missing. I want – no, I need to hold you, touch you, kiss you . . .” His voice trailed off as Livi stumbled backwards, away from his grasp.

  “Stop Matt. I’m sorry if I’ve misled you in any way, I truly am. I really appreciate your company, being with you, but it’s just months since Will was killed, I’m still grieving for him. Spending time with you has been an enormous comfort to me; you’ve helped me in so many ways because I know you’re always here for me and I really can’t imagine losing your support, but you said you wanted to just be my friend and I believed you, I really did.”

  Tears welled up, stinging her eyes and she turned away trying to hide them from him, but having begun, he found he couldn’t stop.

  “Livi, remember the other night on the bench by the kitchen before I was called away. Was that just friendship we showed each other; just friendly gestures? No, it was more than that, much more. I know it was. And we don’t have a lot of time — my contract here will finish shortly, so I have to make it clear how I feel now, before it’s too late. Even if it means you won’t want to see me ever again, I need to let you know I love you.”

  Livi felt completely overwhelmed. She had long ago accepted she wouldn’t hear the words ‘I love you,’ again. Will was gone, dead; he had been her love and her rock, her partner in life, she didn’t believe she could ever recreate that with anyone else. Now, hearing the familiar words spoken to her in a different voice, conveying the feelings of a different man, was more than she could endure.

  She turned around and forced herself to meet Matt’s gaze. His bereft expression shocked her to the core and her heart melted. The words she was about to speak, choked in her throat; bizarrely, her heart ached for him.

  “I’ve really blown it haven’t I?” he asked quietly.

  All the denials she had been about to voice died before they were spoken. Suddenly Livi felt unsteady on her feet; her breath was ragged. She began to reach out to him, then stopped and hugged her arms around herself. Inexplicably she shivered.

  After what seemed like an age, he extended his hand and gently brushed back a strand of her hair that had escaped from the clip behind her head. “Is what I’ve said so terrible?” he asked. “We don’t choose who we fall in love with; love just happens. You loved — no, still love Will; I accept that absolutely; you had something very special. But surely, you don’t plan to spend the rest of your life never sharing it with anyone else again? You’re young, you’re smart, and you have so much to give to a relationship. I know this is sudden, rushed even, but please, try to understand; now I’ve found you, I can’t stop myself. I have to let you know how I feel.”

  Livi sat down abruptly in the grass. The two dogs, sensing her vulnerability, pressed close. Absentmindedly she stroked them both. Matt sat down next to her, waiting for her to speak.

  “Matt . . .” she began eventually, seeming to consider before forming each word. “Yes, when Will died, I did truly believe I could never love again. We had a great marriage. But, if I’m absolutely honest, I have to admit I’m very much attracted to you. Maybe that’s the problem; my feelings are making it seem as if I’m betraying Will’s memory, and I can’t bear that. God, I’m so screwed up, I love being with you, but because of that, I feel horribly guilty. Oh, Matt . . .” Her voice trailed away.

  He wrapped her in a warm, tender gaze. “Dearest Livi — I understand exactly how you feel; I admire how you feel, honestly I do. But can’t the two of us just admit we have something very special between us, and move forward from there?”

  The intense blue of his eyes, which seemed to draw her inexorably toward him, startled Livi. She waited for what seemed like an eternity before speaking again, although it was probably no longer than a few
seconds. Eventually she allowed a smile to spread gradually across her face, but not before a tear rolled down her cheek. “Do you know what I miss more than anything?” she asked suddenly. “The laughter; Will and I always seemed to be laughing, but now I have no-one to laugh with.”

  “Yes you do, we can laugh together too,” Matt said softly. “We’ll have different laughs, for different reasons, and nothing we do or experience will ever diminish what the two of you had. But we can be great as well.”

  She rubbed the back of her hand across her cheek. “You’re right, I know you’re right. Just be patient with me, please. I can’t bear the thought of you moving away in just a few weeks, you’ve become an important part of my life, so that has to mean something, doesn’t it?” She smiled weakly. “Just don’t rush me, please.”

  Matt smiled and pressed his lips gently to her cheek. “I won’t rush you; take all the time you want. All I ask is for you to understand my feelings for you, and please, don’t reject me because of them.”

  This time Livi didn’t pull away. She was overwhelmed with an emotion she couldn't explain; a mixture of pain, sadness, longing, hope, and above all, confusion.

  “I know I’m being selfish,” he continued, “but when you're in love, one of the bad things that comes out of it is being selfish. I'd like to hold you in my arms now, tell you over and over again how I'll always be here for you, and how much I love you.”

  She didn’t answer; her expression didn’t betray any reaction. Very gently he slipped his arms around her and held her close to him. For a moment, Livi didn’t respond then, suddenly, before she realized what she was doing, she found herself returning his embrace.

  “I had to do this,” he murmured, his arms tightening around her, bringing her even closer as if afraid she might disappear.