"He kissed me," I blurt out as soon as we exit the building, unable to contain the secret anymore. The entire day I wanted to shout it on top of my lungs and now I can finally giggle about it.
"Doctor guy? He kissed you? When?" She grabs a hold of my arm.
I pull her along with me. "Yesterday. He's so sweet. I was talking about Daniel-"
"So you told him?"
"I'll get there." She's in such a rush for the information, but I don't want to skip anything. "I think I came off as distant, and he asked if I was thinking about another guy. I didn't really tell him no, and I think he got a tad jealous. He kissed me to make things official between us."
"So he's like your boyfriend?"
"I guess. I mean, yes, Jay is my boyfriend." My boyfriend everyone in the entire world can know about. No hiding behind closed doors and sneaking around. A real, honest to God, romantic relationship.
"That's awesome, girl! How do you feel?" She shuffles her feet in excitement. We're pulling stares from our coworkers, but we keep on acting like giddy school girls.
"To be coupled? Like an actual couple and not some piece on the side?" Amber giggles as I twirl. "Fantastic! To top everything off, I already lost some weight."
She gives me a high five. "Good for you! See, everything is falling into place."
We reach our cars and I sigh. "Yeah, but I still think about this whole Daniel and James situation. I'm unsure if I should deny him if he wants to be a part of his son's life."
"I understand, Chelsea."
"Um, I don't think you do. You don't have any kids." There isn't any possible way she can relate to what I'm going through.
"No, but I don't have a dad, either. He left when I was three."
"I'm sorry, Amber. I didn't know."
She waves her hand. "Ah, don't worry about it. I'm well over it, but, I totally understand from James' perspective. I don't even remember my dad, except he was a jerk to my mom and she's much better off without him. I may feel different if he'd been around and been halfway decent."
I'm observing her face, trying to read her pain, but I don't think I see any. I guess missing out on a dad for almost her entire life made it easier to cope with. "You don't miss him?"
Her eyes shut as she shook her head. "No," she says as they pop back open. "Not one bit. If he came in and out of my life, perhaps. I guess what I'm saying is if you think Daniel will be a steady father figure in his life, I think it's great. If you think he'll be in and out and wreaking havoc on James' heart, then, no, I don't think it's a good idea at all."
Amber touches my shoulder. I contemplate her insight. "You know how people joke around when you're trying to decide what to get at McDonald's or something? Like I can't decide between a chicken sandwich or a burger and you're thinking this isn't a life changing decision. Well, this is. Whatever decision I come to will change James' life forever. I can't turn back. I mean, I can keep him from Daniel, but if I include him in James' life and he walks away again, that's going to affect him for the rest of his life. I'm his mom. It's my job to protect him from things like this. I think either way I'm screwing up his life." I cover my face with my hands and bury it on the window.
Amber puts her arm around me and shoves her head next to mine. "You're a great mom, Chelsea. You're doing what you can to be sure James has the best life he can with the cards you're dealt. You can't help his father's a jackass. You're right, though. Whatever conclusion you come to will affect him. Either way, you're making the right choice, and that's what matters."
I hate she affirms my thoughts. Sometimes you really just want people to say the opposite of what you're thinking because agreeing with you means you're right, when it's the last thing you want to be.
•••
"Go fish!" I slam my card down on the floor to a confused James. He can't play card games yet, but I enjoy playing with him anyway. I like to show him the cards and tell him the colors and numbers. So far he recognizes one through five and he always points out blue and red. When I came home from work, he greeted me with a hug and kept shouting "Fish! Fish, mommy!", which meant he challenged me to a game. Even though we don't really play, he always wins (because we play by his rules, consisting of picking up cards and just tossing them on the ground), and nothing makes him happier.
Seeing the smile on his face today is both heart warming and breaking. God, I love this little boy. All I want is him to be safe, healthy, and happy.
"How you doing big fella?" My dad takes a seat on the floor next to us and pats James' head. "Are you winning?"
My dad is so good with James. The two play together every single day, and he spoils him. I always imagined I would need to scold my mom for giving James treats before a meal, or buying him too many toys, but, nope, my dad's the culprit. Maybe because he never had a son he wants to spoil him rotten. I love watching them play. James looks at my dad with eyes he never even looks at me with. It's like he knows his grandpa is a man and, therefore, a fatherly figure. He gravitates toward him and I'm touched by their connection. My dad's eyes light up, too.
The two of them interacting pushes thoughts of Daniel back to me. Dammit! He never crossed my mind so much until these past few weeks when he shoved his way back into my life. I'm over him and what he did to me and my son. I'm making strides, personally and romantically. Life seems to be finally moving along at a pace I can handle and with the people I want in my life, and then Daniel screws everything up. The one thing I'm certain of is I don't love him, or like him for that matter. Seeing him, well, initially brought back a stack of emotions, but I can't forget what he did to me and James. I understand fear and running away, but I couldn't run away. I had to face it. James grew inside me and I carried him from the beginning. Daniel had a choice, and he chose to cut us out of his life. Neither of us are good people for what we did, but hell if I didn't get a wonderful little boy out of the deal. I'm committed to James, and Daniel can't stay loyal to anyone, even his son. James forced me into becoming an adult. I wish the same could be said about my ex.
And James is truly wonderful. Every day he amazes me. My dad picks him up and swings him around, his smile lighting up the room. Why should I deprive James of his dad? Yes, I'm taking a risk he can walk right back out of his life just as soon as he walks in, but I'll never know unless I try. I may need to spend more time with him to find out if his intentions are real. I need to figure out if he plans on sticking around. What's his objective? But, I can't lie to my father.
"Um, Dad?" I ask as he tickles James' underarms.
"What?" he says in a silly voice, while looking at James. "What can I help you with?"
I anticipate his reaction, ranging from rage to compassion, and I'm frightened to tell him my decision. This is my choice, though, not his, and it's time I take a stand and do what I think is right, not what someone else thinks. I inhale a breath of air and as I release it, ramble off the words. "I'm thinking a lot about everything, and I might let Daniel meet James."
My dad stops tickling James, turns to me with a frown, and hands my son to me. Then, he does what all the men in my life seem to do. He walks away.
•••
The coffee shop is crowded today. Almost every table is occupied by someone sipping coffee and nibbling on a donut. I order a caramel latte, gripping the oversized yellow mug as I nervously wait for Daniel. My dad didn't say a word to me this morning. I don't think he'll talk to me for a few days. He's pretty pissed at me. I didn't even make the official decision yet to let Daniel meet James and my dad is already acting as though it's a done deal.
Daniel enters the cafe, the bell dings on the door and startles me, my nerves jumping out of my body. "Thanks for texting, Chelsea." He sits down across from me.
"Are you going to order anything?" I ask. Fifteen minutes is all I can spare before I need to get to work, so I grabbed a granola bar on the way out the door this morning. My schedule doesn't allow for much else today.
"Nah. I'm not in the mood. I'm a little
too nervous. Your message put me a on edge."
That reassures me a bit. Obviously he's excited and apprehensive about my decision. What's the best way to start? I didn't prepare anything, and I hope I can handle his answers. I stare at him for a few moments, memories of our past seeping into my brain. Conversations buzz around me, and I pick up bits and pieces. A woman complains about upcoming thunderstorms in the forecast, a man swoons over his baseball tickets and how close he is to the field. A young mom picks up her little girl and pleads for her dad.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about what we talked about. I'm not sure what I think about it." Open-ended. Leaves room for him to begin the discussion.
"I'm his father. What's there to consider?" His hands are resting on the table, and they're shaking.
"His father. I don't like you using that term."
"What do you mean? I'm James' dad."
I pause for a moment, and clench my jaw so I don't say something I'll regret. I must choose my words carefully. "No, Daniel. A father is someone who wants to be a part of his child's life. Someone putting their life aside to care for another. Two years after he's born you waltz back into his life and expect to pick up as though nothing happened? You never even came to see him at the hospital."
"I know. I'm sorry about that. Like I told you the other day, I got scared."
What a cop-out. He has no idea what fear is. Fear is being pregnant and alone, not sure if you'll be able to make ends meet for you and your child. Fear is being left to fend for yourselves after you thought you created a child in a loving relationship. "Scared? You have two other children you didn't run from. Why is James the one without a father? Why is he the one suffering?"
"He's not suffering, Chelsea. He's healthy and happy."
"How do you know that?" I hover at a whisper, trying my best not to raise my voice. "The only way you have a clue what he looks like is because I showed you a picture. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to identify him among a playground of kids. Do you realize how sad that is?"
He breaks eye contact with me and bows his head down at the table. "I'm a little ashamed."
Only a little. If I were him, I'd be terribly ashamed. I can't imagine not wanting your child, not knowing which is yours in a sea of other kids is unfathomable. "You should be, Daniel. Don't you wonder about him? Don't you spend each day thinking about how he's progressing? And don't you want to know what his laugh or his voice sounds like?"
He meets eyes with me again. "Don't make me feel more guilty than I already do."
"No. You don't get to tell me that. You deserve every ounce of guilt and shame. Try being a single parent and then talk to me. You don't help with a thing. You can't even send money to your son!"
"So this is about money?" He pulls out his wallet and throws some cash on the table. "Here. It's fifty bucks, all I've got. Now, can I see my son?" He slams his wallet shut and puts it back in his pocket.
I pick up the cash and toss it back to him. "This has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the fact that you left me and your flesh and blood to fend for ourselves. Thank God my parents let me move in with them or I might be on the street with James. I don't even want to think about that."
"You don't need to, Chelsea. I already told you that you and I can be a family now." He's staring at me, his face statuesque as he tries to read mine. "And James."
My eyes well up and my gaze moves beyond him toward the window. People walk by and cars move slowly down the street, not a care visible to the world. When I came here, I really didn't know what I wanted to do. I had no clue what I planned on doing and if I would allow him in James' life. Part of me wanted him and James to know one another. Then, with a simple two words, my decision is made.
"And James." I slide my mug to the side and stand up. "I'm so glad he's an afterthought to you." I take my time pushing the chair back in. "You just decided this for me." I push my hands against the back of the chair. "The answer is no, Daniel. No, you and I won't be a family. We won't be together. And no, you won't see James. I don't want to talk to you again, and I won't entertain the idea any longer. I made a decision, and it's final. James and I are walking out of your life just as you walked out of ours."
I step away from the table, open the door and walk out onto the sidewalk, the warm air spilling onto my face, and a burden being lifted off my shoulders.
chapter fifteen
Sal's Scoops is a favorite around town. Located right in the middle of what's considered "downtown" in our little suburb of Milwaukee, the tiny shop is recognizable a mile away with its striped canopy and wrought-iron benches sitting on the sidewalk. Kids gather around the bike rack with their ice cream cones the second warm air is here to stay, young couples share milkshakes at the counter, and others enjoy banana splits in the booths. Not only is the old-fashioned store known for the ice cream (salted caramel is my favorite), but also their roasted almonds. I came here as a kid, and I'm anxious to be going with Jay.
We went to a movie (I don't even remember the name. I let him pick, and he chose some action flick. I spent most of the movie snuggled in his arms with my eyes closed, daydreaming). He suggested Sal's, and as he opens the door for me, a surge of self-doubt grips me from moving forward.
"Everything okay?" Jay asks as he continues to hold the door.
I glance in at the line waiting to place their order. All different shapes and sizes of people not even caring about the calories they're about to consume. If they don't care, I guess, why should I?
"Nope. Everything's great!" I enter the shop with a wide grin, meaning those words. We've been a couple for a few weeks now, and I'm enjoying every minute with him. Our schedules sometimes make dates hard, with me juggling my job and James, and him with his crazy hours at the hospital. We've been making it work though.
Today the chalkboard behind the counter suggests we try Adam's Apple Pie Amaretto, a mix of vanilla ice cream and apple and cherry bits. I love when people attempt to make frozen yogurt healthy by tossing some fruit in. I'll pass.
"What are you having?" I lace my fingers with Jay's, and it's comfortable.
He's reading each flavor in detail - every single one.
"You take your sweets seriously, don't you?" I joke.
He pulls me in close and rests his chin on my head. "Just seeing if anything new came in. I'm a chocolate fan myself."
I think I'll go against my normal scoop choice and skip the salted caramel. Chocolate sounds good to me, too. "Let's get chocolate chunk," I suggest.
I'm wrapped in a big hug, and these arms around me are what I need. Jay moves his head and nuzzles my neck, and shivers shoot through my body.
When we reach the counter, he orders for both of us and pays. I'm used to him paying for things now, although I do pick up the tab when I can. I don't want him to think I rely on him for money, or expect him to take the lead and pay. When he offers, though, I no longer refuse.
We receive our order in a few minutes, two bowls with one scoop each, a bright red cherry sitting on top. A booth opens up near the back, and we decide to sit there. I'm surprised when Jay sits next to me, instead of across.
"Is this weird?" he spoons out some of the chocolate chunk, being sure to get a bite-sized chip in the sample.
"No. It's just ... different."
His hand rests on my knee. "Good different, I hope?"
I nab the cherry off the top of my bowl. "Very." I brush the cherry against his lips, and he opens enough to bite off the stem, and then reaches over and gives me a kiss. The cold of the ice cream shocks me, but in only moments I warm up with the touch of his tongue. The heat emitting from my body could melt every scoop of ice cream in here.
"Do you have any news on the practice?" I push my sexual energy back into the deepest part of my body and try to move past how badly I want to push him down in the booth and do naughty things to him.
"I'm trying to get a hold of my partner. No luck."
"Really? Is she out of town or
something?" I realize he hasn't told me much about his partner, other than she's female.
"No clue." His spoon clanks against the bowl as he puts it down. "I'm not sure what's going on with her. Our loan almost hit a snag a couple weeks ago infuriating her. She's handling all that, and I'm paying the down payment. That's all I'm involved in on that side of things."
"You aren't backing anything else financially?" I'm surprised by this. I thought he would want an active hand in everything if he was opening a practice. I sure would.
His hand falls off my knee. Obviously I struck a soft spot. "She didn't want any of my money. She's an older, established doctor, with plenty in savings and quite the clientele built up. The plan is once we find a place, she handles financing, and when we open, she'll bring her clients over. When we start bringing in a steady profit and business, we can hire on another doctor and prep for her retirement in a few years. I convinced her to let me help by putting money down." Jay grabs the spoon and taps the side of the bowl. "Something's up with her, though. I'm getting a little nervous." He takes another bite. "Enough about this. You haven't touched your ice cream."
I haven't. The bowl of sugar is sitting in front of me, and all I can imagine is this little scoop will throw off my entire workout plan. I can't even remember the last time I ate something like this. Is food like a drug? If I eat this, will I barrel into a tornado of bad eating? I lost almost all the weight I set out to lose. Sure, my stomach still sags, and my pouch still exists, but it's smaller now. I'm making significant progress. I doubt I'll ever get back my solid stomach, but I don't want to go backward.
I'm probably being silly, though. It's only food. This is a treat. A fun date with Jay topped off with some sweets. I really can't ask for anything more. I'm in shape, and I'm involved with a wonderful man.
A young child cries out behind us, and we both turn. I recognize that toddler, probably a little over a year. Another child, around the same age, grabs onto her mom's legs as she bends down and picks up the little boy. When she turns her head, I place the face - Daniel's ex (or soon to be?), Lauren.
Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits #2) Page 8