This is the first time I'm seeing her in person. If not for Facebook, I would have no idea it's her. Facebook is weird that way. All these pictures take over your computer screen, and when you're face to face with that individual, it's as though animation is coming to life, almost surreal. Her blonde hair falls below her shoulders, popping into curls at the bottom. It's all one-length and looks perfect even though I'm sure she only ran her fingers through in the morning. Even after two children she's slim, her skinny jeans accenting every part of her body in the right place, and her breast size announcing her babies still take the boob. I weaned James off early because I kept getting infections. As her hand runs down the little girl's hair, I don't notice a wedding ring. She's already taken hers off.
"Chelsea?" The voice beside me says. "Chelsea? Are you okay?"
I don't know how long I've been staring. Seeing Lauren steps away from me, a human being, a woman, a single mother with two children, my soul fills with shame after everything. I used to justify my relationship with Daniel that if he weren't cheating with me, he'd be cheating with someone else. When I was with him, I never saw a picture of Lauren. She only was a name to me. A name I hated. A name with no existence other than an obstacle standing between me and Daniel. After I had James, and I began seeking her out on Facebook, a touch of regret came over me, but in only pictures, she still wasn't real. Now she's less than ten feet away, living the same life I am, times two.
"Yeah, sorry." I break my trance, not recalling where Jay and I even were in conversation.
"I asked about the gym. What do you think about joining up at the rec center?"
Even though I broke my stare, I can still see Lauren, her thin lips kissing her babies, James' half-siblings, something I forgot to consider. My son has a brother and sister.
"Chelsea, what's the matter? You're a million miles away."
Her ass even is perfect. Jay is talking to me, but I can't stop watching her. Her. The one he chose to be with. The one he put a ring on. I flinch as a hand touches my shoulder.
"It's me, Chels, Jay. Tell me."
Shoot. What am I doing? Yes, Lauren is here, but I'm with Jay now, and he's more than I can ever ask for. He's funny, handsome, intelligent, and likes me for me. He's dating me publicly, not hiding me away, ashamed of me. I came out of my affair with Daniel a stronger, more independent woman. I can't allow seeing his ex take all my progress away from me. None of this is Lauren's fault.
I want to devour the ice cream in front of me, and even lick the bowl, but I started my walking program with a goal in mind. And now, I want to surpass that target. "Let's do a 5K together."
He's taken aback. "Really? You want to run three miles?"
Is that how many miles one is? I only ever hear people talk about 5Ks or scroll past an advertisement on Facebook. I never took the time to figure out the length of one. "Well, I'm not required to run the entire thing, right? It's not against the rules or anything?"
Jay's face glows, and his smile warms me inside. "No, it's not against the rules. To give you an idea, though, imagine running the bases at Miller Park just over 45 times."
Gulp. Right now, I can't picture myself making it around once. This time I put my hand on his leg. "You can train me, right?" I'm sure he's doing the gulping now.
His hand rests on top of mine. "Let me know when you're ready."
I smile, knowing all too well what he's referring to, but not sure which I am ready for.
chapter sixteen
The 5K Jay signs us up for is in October. I think living in Wisconsin, this is risky. The weather can be beautiful - almost 60s, with a slight breeze, or freezing in the low 40s and a wind chill bringing the temp down another 15 degrees, or, God forbid, snow can bless us, and I mean this in the most sarcastic way humanly possible. Jay says I need a few months of training because I can't expect to run so far without practice. He's right. I'm sure I'll walk some of the race, but I do want to avoid walking as much as I can. He doesn't want me to push myself too hard if I can work my way up to it. What I like best about this plan is the event is five months away, so he's planning something with me in the future.
My aunt Ruby is staying with my parents for a couple days and she asked to spend some time with James. She's so sweet, insisting I take some time away while she and my mom take James out shopping. He loves shopping. He always sits so nicely in his stroller and enjoys people smiling at him and waving. Even though I argue with my aunt multiple times, I give in and win myself an almost entirely free day. I'm in shock.
Lucky for me, Jay doesn't work this Saturday. Somehow he managed last Saturday off, too. I hate he works weekends. Things would be easier if he worked during the weekdays only, or even until seven, which would allow us time after James goes to bed. I don't sleep much anyway, and we could watch a movie together. He's shown interest in my scrapbooking stuff and may want to see what I've made. The weekend days I devote to James. Jay is fine with that, but I'm sure he wishes some of that time I reserved for him.
We meet at the rec center. Jay told me about a program that allows me to ease my way into running, and we can start on the treadmill today. The sun is out and the temperature is almost seventy, so I rather would run outside, but he texted me to go to the gym because I may get too warm running in the heat. Our ideas of training differ greatly. Immediately starting me with a run doesn't seem like working my way up to one.
"Hey, cutie," Jay greets me with a kiss on the cheek and a tap on my butt.
"Cutie?" I question his new nickname he tries out on me. Although, he looks pretty cute himself in his gym shorts. I love his legs, and I can't wait to be entwined in them.
"Yes, cutie. You're adorable in your workout clothes."
I pull at my tank, pink with "Keep Calm and Work Out" written across in turquoise. A bow of the same color ties the back together, and my purple sports bra is slightly exposed underneath. I paired the top with black capris. This feels natural to me, not the oversized shirts I started wearing once I became a mom. It's not too form fitting like I wore in the past, but my confidence level took a boost the second I put this on. I picked out some other fun tops at the store, too.
"Thanks," I tell him. "Now train me!"
Jay backs up with his hands in the air. "Please, don't hurt me," he teases. "You asked for this, remember?"
The gym is pretty busy, which can be expected on a weekend. One treadmill is open, so Jay and I head right for it. "Hop on," he says.
"Shouldn't I stretch?" I ask. Every time I start a workout, I believe I'm supposed to.
"Yes. You're right. I'm sorry."
He waves me off and I step onto the ground. He hops on the treadmill to "save" it while I stretch. We switch places when I finish.
"The first thing you'll do is begin with a brisk walk for about five minutes."
With a thumbs up sign, I tell him, "I'm a pro at that." A five-minute walk is easy. I start the treadmill and set the pace at a 2.0 level.
"No, no," Jay touches the speed button. "That's barely a crawl, Chelsea. Brisk, not leisurely." He accelerates the machine to 3.2 forcing my legs to push faster.
"I'm practically jogging!"
"I don't think so. In five minutes, you'll be jogging," he grins.
I pump my arms, matching the motion with my breath, already starting to regret this decision. Jay isn't paying attention to me. Instead, he's engrossed in his phone.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
He finishes typing and shoves his phone back in his pocket. "Yeah. Stuff with the practice."
The prominent vein pulsating on the side of his face sends self-doubt through me. He's been quiet about his past dating experiences. Could he be texting with an ex-girlfriend? His practice may be a cover-up, and since I'm usually not available on the weekends, he also could easily be seeing someone else. I'm scorned because of Daniel, and I'm being dumb. I shouldn't jump to conclusions.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I'm not an expert on something like starting a busine
ss, but I can offer advice on their loan if it has to do with that.
He hesitates, and buries his hands in his pockets. "Time is about up. Then I'll increase your speed slightly and you'll jog for sixty seconds, then walk for ninety, jog, for sixty, walk for ninety. You'll continue that pattern for twenty minutes."
I'm shocked he didn't take my offer. It's not like I asked a slew of questions and he overlooked answering one of many. He flat out ignored me. He's staring intensely at the treadmill, his jaw clenching as he continues his silence. Something isn't right. Whatever text or email he received chilled him, and he can't stop thinking about it.
"Jay, you can talk to me about it." I'm keeping up the pace as I speak, shifting my focus between him and the timer. In thirty seconds, I start the first sixty-second jog.
He takes one step away from the treadmill, so instead of next to me, he's standing in front. "Don't worry about me. Everything is fine. Nothing you need to be concerned about."
"But..." I stop myself from continuing. I want to remind him we are in a relationship, and that means we share things, and when one of us is in need of advice, or just an ear to listen, we provide it. I don't want to push him though. He'll tell me when he's ready.
Jay isn't paying attention to me or he's pretending not to. Is one worse than the other? He reaches his hand over and pumps up the speed and I convert my brisk walk into a jog. My legs become lead with every stride, and I immediately start to regret suggesting the 5K. I must be one hundred percent crazy to think I can do this. It's only sixty seconds, though. I can do anything for sixty seconds, right? When done, I'm awarded a full minute and a half of walking. Easy peasy.
"You're doing great," Jay encourages me, and inside my heart beams. "Keep at it. I know you think you're getting nowhere, but you're moving along. You can do this, Chels."
This is enough for me to forget about his odd behavior after the text. He cares for me. If he didn't, he wouldn't be cheering me on. The minute completes, and I'm out of breath when he ups the pace on me again. My thighs burn, my pulse races between my ears, and I'm uncertain if I can continue.
I look at Jay, and he's grinning at me. His smile is so wide, it spreads to my face. "You did it, Chelsea. You'll do this a few more times before you're done today, but you did it. Enjoy your minute and a half before that next run."
That's right. I did it. Fine, I ran for a mere sixty seconds, but this is the first time I did since forced to in high school. And I have Jay to thank. I don't recall the last time I felt this good about myself. I stop the treadmill.
"What are you doing?"
I step off and take his hand. "We're going back to your place."
•••
We don't talk the entire drive to his house. My legs shake from the little workout I did, and the nerves electrify my body. This is going to happen. Finally.
This is the first time I'm going inside his house since we began dating. A few weeks ago when we went on our first date I saw the outside, which is very unassuming. I think I expected a huge house with him being a doctor, but this isn't the case. The house is a small Cape Cod nestled in a cul-de-sac near a park. If not for the gentlemen's club on the corner of the street, I consider the neighborhood family-friendly. I don't like a lot of color on a house, but the shade of blue for the siding works well. A large Birch tree is the focus of the front yard. I'm anxious to get inside this cute place.
He unlocks the door and I follow him in. I'm immediately greeted by three small steps leading into the kitchen. He obviously has done a little bit of work on the house because not too many cape cods in the city boast such breathtaking wood floors and expensive granite countertops. Jay doesn't give me a chance to explore the rest of the house as he grabs my hand and practically hops down the hall to his bedroom.
"I'm so glad you're here." He kisses me and wraps his arms around me, rubbing his hands up and down my back.
I haven't been intimate with a man since Daniel and I'm nervous. I didn't forget how to do it, but what if our styles don't mesh? What if he doesn't like my body? I'm sweating from the workout, and my adrenaline is in overdrive, but so are my hormones. Chelsea, don't get distracted. He won't react in a bad way.
Jay leaves no time for me to even contemplate this further because he's already grabbing at the hem of my tank and pulling it up over my head. He tosses the top onto the floor. I can't breathe when he pushes his lips back on mine. We both stop and take a deep breath, followed by a telling grin on our faces.
My smile falls as I realize I'm exposed in my yoga pants and a sports bra. I cover my stomach with my hands. I don't think I'm ready for him to see my pouch and judge my stretch marks. Has he ever seen a mother's body before? Sure, I lost weight, but the truth is I'm far from toned, and everything sort of hangs. I'm the woman at the beach people don't want to witness in a two-piece. I'm disgusting.
"What's wrong, Chelsea?"
Jay touches my protective hands with his fingertips and I flinch. "I ... can we turn off the lights?" The dark doesn't completely mask my flabbiness, but he won't notice as much.
He kisses my cheek, a touch of his tongue tickling it. "I want to see you." I shiver as he nibbles my ear. "All of you."
I can't. Fifteen minutes ago I would have ripped my clothes off, but my self-consciousness is catching up with me. I can't fake anything. I can't hold my belly flat and erase the white marks on my abdomen. He'll be grossed out once my sports bra comes off and my boobs sag down to my knees. My breasts aren't perky like before I used them to feed a human being. They're no longer breasts - they're udders. No. I'm changing my mind. I want this, but unless the lights are off, it isn't happening.
"I don't think I can let you."
"What? Why?"
He hasn't stopped touching me. His face is still inches from mine and his fingertips are rested on my hand.
"My body..." How do I explain this to him? "My body isn't what it used to be."
"I don't care what it used to be. I don't even care what it is now. You're beautiful, inside and out."
I lift my hands lightly but push them back down. "You're not going to like what you see. I'm not skinny."
He wraps his fingertips around my hand and I don't hesitate when he pushes them to my sides. I'm slightly startled by the kiss he gives me and he doesn't stop there. I close my eyes when his lips touch my neck and then my collarbone. He even kisses my breasts over the sports bra. When his lips meet my stomach, I gasp. He's on his knees and looks up at me. "You're perfect."
This is perfect. His words are sincere, and it's obvious with every kiss he gives me, he doesn't care what my body looks like. I bury my fingers in his hair as his hands reach for the sides of my yoga pants. When he begins to slide them down, my heart races, and I know what's going to happen next will be great.
chapter seventeen
I leave Jay's in an amazing mood. The sex was incredible, but I need to get back and relieve my aunt from watching James. I'm happy, falling for a great guy, but way behind on my scrapbooking. A couple orders came in, and I need to get those done. So I spend the afternoon completing a few pages.
I can't remember the last time I created anything for myself. Lately, all my talent has been sucked into creating layouts for other people. After one of our walks, Jay and I took our first selfie together. Sure, we're covered in sweat, but I love the picture. My head leans on Jay's shoulder, and he rests his head on mine. Our faces are glistening from the dampness, although I'll admit, my glow has more to do with how happy I am. Jay took the picture, so his arm is outstretched holding my phone. I'm excited to create a page for us.
"He is so hot!" Amber squeals as she grabs the photo from the printer. "Why are you hiding him?"
"I'm not hiding him," I tell her as I take it from her hand and set it on the table where my scrapbooking materials are. "I'm finally in a relationship where I'm not hiding."
Amber invites herself over on Sunday. She really loves James, and wants to spend some time with him. I figure since
I want to get some work done, having her around will keep him busy. Besides, James likes her, too. The two laugh a lot together. She's kind of like an aunt to him.
"James, why don't you help Auntie Amber with some stickers?" I suggest as I hand him some Disney ones.
"Yeah!" He takes them from me, and hands them to Amber. "Play!" He taps her knee to invite her to play.
"What should we do with these?" She puts her finger to her cheek. "Hmm. I know! Let's wear them!" She peels one off the paper and sticks it to James' nose. He giggles, and when she gives him the stickers, he runs across the room with them.
"Why don't you do everything on the computer? I thought they made programs for that?"
Paper versus digital. The same debate never ends with paperback verses the e-book. The argument gets old, and I don't understand why people can't just be allowed to enjoy what they want. "I personally like touching the paper and physically creating the page. You can use the computer to design, but I sit on a computer all day at work. I don't want to do this on there, too. This relaxes me."
She pulls something out of a small container. "What's this even for?"
She flips the accessory around in her hand. "They're called brads. They fasten things to the page."
She folds her hand around it. "I dated a Brad once. He was cute."
Amber lost in a sea of thoughts about men. What else is new? I love her anyway. She's young, and I remember my days of daydreaming. I think they're back now with Jay.
"What do you think of this placement?" I turn my page around so she can view the design.
I decided to create something Jay can put in an 8x10 photo frame, instead of a normal page. The card stock I chose is maroon, and in the center of the page is the photo of us. Different types of exercise equipment surround us, and using a tag, I stenciled on "Jay & Chelsea", and hung it from the top. Around us I used the phrase "The couple that trains together, stays together."
Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits #2) Page 9