Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “Hello, my groupies.” Kade greets us in a voice as warm, smooth, and intense as whiskey. One sip, and I’m already drunk. “When’s Warren getting home?”

  Bren’s talking back and forth with Kade, but I pay them no mind. I use this as an opportunity to check him out. I’d always wondered what Kaden’s hair would look like out of his man-bun. This is the first time Kade has gone out in public with his tight, chocolate brown curls flowing to his shoulders. I reach out in awe, unable to stop myself, and an angry hand swats mine away.

  “Leave Mentor KM’s pretty hair alone,” Jack cautions. “We’re in public, remember?”

  “Shit,” I hiss, snatching my hand away. This past summer I’ve turned into a crushing girl. I’d sit on my porch just to see Kade walking his dog. It was like a simple hello was currency. The man has shut me down at every possible turn. Not to be deterred, I’ve had the best summer of my life– just me and my hand.

  If Kade would let me finger his hair, I’d go whack off with that hand. I’ve turned into a sick puppy.

  Part of the reason I’m so sad to move is that I can’t stalk Kaden anymore. But the highlight is that my crush goes to school with me. In perfect West Virginia fashion, my crush just so happens to teach at the school, not study there.

  “Jack? I don’t call you Virginia Duncan in public. Please don’t call me Mentor KM when we aren’t in the group. Okay?” Kade flashes us a humoring smile. “No hard feelings. I just want to make that clear. It’s for the same reason you just told Wynn not to touch my hair.”

  “Understood, Mr. Marx,” Jack squeaks out, sounding embarrassed.

  “Kade,” he stresses. “Only tiny humans call me Mr. Marx. I’m not old yet.”

  “Wynn, get ahold of yourself.” Bren hits me upside the head because I’m leaning forward and hanging onto every word coming out of Kade’s mouth. “You’re looking like a fool.”

  I blush bright red to the roots of my hair. But, otherwise, I’m rendered dumb, deaf, and mute. I rub my sweaty palms on my jeans, and then shove my hands in my pockets. I just look around, unsure what to do next.

  “Well, I better go wrangle up the twins,” Bren says in parting, but then he stops when he’s a few paces away. “Jack, make sure our boy doesn’t do or say anything stupid.” His order was actually a way to ensure Jack doesn’t leave, I hope.

  “I’m not that bad,” I mutter.

  “Wynn, you’re pretty obvious.” Kade flashes me a huge, shit-eating grin when his words hit my ears. “You’re still a kid yet. You’ll get over it eventually. When I look back at how I must have looked when I was your age, I want to kick myself in the nuts. I’ll never forget the time I had a kid get hard for me, and he screamed like he was dying.”

  “Fuck,” shudders out my lips. I fight the urge to hide my face behind my palms. I’m Wynn Gillette– the only member of my family that has his shit together. If Bren is warning me that I look like an idiot and the guy I’m stalking is saying I’ll want to kick myself in the nuts in a few years, then I’ve got to knock it off.

  “I’m gonna go now,” Jack announces, but his feet don’t move. “I only came over to help Penny set up for the party. I’m not family… so… I’m gonna go.”

  I reach out to grip my buddy’s arm. “Stay. Someone needs to keep Bren in line. Family or not, the last time Warren saw Bren was when he threatened Bren with bodily harm. It’s best that we have people here to act as a buffer.”

  “I feel out of place, but okay.” Jack sighs, acting put out. If my crush on Kade is obvious, Jack’s obsession with Bren is in-your-face. “I’m going to go see if Penny needs any more help. Later.”

  I peer down the street, acting like I’m not embarrassed. “I’m actually not standing on the sidewalk just to look like a dolt.” I blush brighter. “I’m the welcome wagon. Warren ought to be pulling down the street at any moment.”

  “Wynn?” Kade leans down a bit to whisper in my ear. “It’s fine– how you feel about me. I’m flattered, and it’s not as obvious as you think. Only the kids in the group get it. Everyone else is oblivious.”

  “Are you sure?” My tone hitches higher. Kade puts me at ease, making me feel comfortable to say anything that comes to my mind. “Because I’m so humiliated right now, I want to hide underneath a rock.”

  All Kade does in response is release an amused chuckle.

  “I know…” I look at my feet, having no shame when it comes to saying whatever comes to mind, but being embarrassed about what I feel. “I know I don’t know what I want yet. I’m just figuring it out.”

  “Exactly,” Kade says, reaching over to pat my shoulder. My skin jumps at the contact, but otherwise I try not to react. “I don’t mean this as an insult, but you’re still a kid. You can’t understand something you haven’t had any experience with. A few years from now, your uncertainty will be a fleeting thought because you’ll know yourself better. So don’t beat yourself up over anything.”

  “I look like an idiot,” I mutter. “I mean, I’m this manly looking guy but I’m acting like a chick around you. Penny uses this against me every single day.”

  “Wynn,” Kade laughs my name. His hands curl around my shoulders, and then shake me slightly, forcing me to join him in laughing at myself. “There is nothing about your reaction to me that screams girl.” Dropping his hands, Kade’s voice changes, deepening. “It’s almost like I can feel the testosterone pouring off of you. Lord knows, I can practically scent it.”

  My eyes flick up to connect with Kade’s, and then widen at what I see staring back at me. A throat clearing has me stumbling back a step like I was caught red-handed.

  “Warren’s car is approaching,” Royce informs me. He wedges himself between Kaden and me, and then folds his arms over his broad chest. He flashes us both a disapproving look that makes up for the silence that surrounds us.

  “Nice day, isn’t it?” Kade tries to engage Royce in conversation as all three of us stare straight ahead. “Perfect for an outdoor gathering.”

  Royce looks to the side toward Kade and away from me. “Be the man, got it?” is his warning.

  “More obvious than I thought, I guess,” is Kade’s raspy reply.

  Royce steps forward when Warren’s car pulls up to the curb. “I’m a dad. I see everything.”

  I walk forward, mumbling, “It’s my fault. I’ll try to behave. I just… I just can’t help it. My body has a mind of its own.”

  This time Royce grabs my shoulder. “You feel what you feel, son. Just as Kade owns how he feels. But the grown man better act like one, got it?”

  “You’re blaming Kade for what I’m doing?” I blurt out, amazed. “What the hell, Royce?”

  “Just drop it,” Kade mouths to me while rolling his eyes. “Royce thinks I’m a pervert.”

  “You think you’re a pervert,” Royce growls. “I’m just being a dad.”

  “Dude? What’s up with the standoff between the three of you?” Warren asks as he slides from the driver’s side. “I feel hostility.” He lunges at me, taking the very breath from my lungs, wrapping his arms around my chest so tightly I can’t breathe, and then he squeezes tighter. “Baby brother!”

  Warm and solid, healthy and happy, Warren feels so good in my arms that emotions assault me in every direction. My nose tingles and my eyes water because Warren smells like home. I hang on for dear life. I’d never spent a day away from my brother in nearly eighteen years.

  “Three months felt like an eternity without your bullshit.” I laugh through the tears, rocking my brother back and forth while patting his back forcefully. The hollow thud is loud in my ears. “I’ve missed the hell out of you, you stocky sonofabitch.” I muss up Warren’s dirty blond curls.

  “Me too. Me too. I missed you too.” Warren’s attention span is short, because now he’s hugging me while his eyes flick around wildly, searching. Distracted, he spots Kade again. “Hey, you! It’s good to see you.” Slipping away from me to greet his buddy, I’m left behind, as always. Havin
g Warren’s sole attention was short-lived, just the way it’s always been.

  My sister is leaning against the car, like she’s too petrified to move. Small and fragile, Willa hides behind the fall of her blonde curls as she hangs her head low. She’s near Royce, like she’s watching him with one eye as if he’s going to attack her, but scared to step away because she needs him for protection. This is the Willa I’ve known since I was fourteen, but I see a bit more life peeking through.

  Hesitant, I say, “Hi,” in a chipper voice. I don’t walk forward and hug my sister, because I have to give her time to decide if that’s what she wants. I learned this from experience, after being a little boy and wanting to hug the sister I remember, and she’d lash out, shrieking bloody murder when I’d get near. Awake or asleep, Willa’s terrified screams always haunt my mind.

  Clear, bright, and sober, blue eyes flick up to connect with mine, and then a small smile tilts the corner of Willa’s lips. She reaches a hand out, and mine is in hers in a heartbeat. We don’t say anything. We just look at each other, gripping our hands together, not too tight and not too loose. No words need to pass because we both feel the warm pleasure of family zinging through our blood.

  Royce pats my shoulder, grinning like a fool, then he softly disconnects our hands. He leans down into Willa’s personal space, and I’m surprised she doesn’t flinch. He whispers a few words in her ear, and she nods in reply.

  The tap… tap… tap… of tiny sneakers thudding against the sidewalk hits my ears, to the soundtrack of Penny’s excited squeals and giggles, announcing Penny and the twins have finally realized Warren and Willa made it home safe and sound. From the corner of my eye, I watch as Warren grabs Penny out of the air as she launches herself at him. He swings her around, looking like he won the lottery. No doubt, Penny was what was distracting him so.

  Hayley and Hayden run around me, trying to get at their momma, but Royce stops them with a firm grip to the back of their necks. He holds them back, giving Willa a moment to center herself.

  I can almost feel Kade curling in on himself as he witnesses a mother terrified of her own kids. If it wasn’t for the fact it’s what I’ve seen since they were toddlers, I’d be screaming in pain. I reach over, resting my hand on Kade’s forearm to settle his nerves. I leave it there for a moment, and then allow my arm to fall back to my side.

  Willa looks at Royce, then looks at me. With a deep breath, she mouths, “I can do this,” and then she squats down to the height of her kids. Holding her arms out, “Hayden? Hayley? Give yer momma a hug.”

  Royce doesn’t let go of the kids’ necks, his large fingertips denting into their skin a bit in silent warning. He walks them a few steps forward, then nudges them into their mother’s arms, but he never lets go.

  I turn completely around, deciding to stare at the house, because I can’t handle looking at my sister struggling to hold her own children, with the kids I’ve practically raised for the past few years looking to their momma like she’s a stranger.

  Stressed. Over-emotional. I start to chuckle when I realize we’re all facing the opposite direction. Kade’s next to me, acting as a silent, brooding wall, with Jack next to him looking uncomfortable. Bren’s arm wraps around my shoulders, and I pretend I don’t hear him sniffle.

  “This ain’t gonna be easy,” Bren says to me. “At all.”

  “I know,” I reply. “But we can’t avoid it like I’ve always done. We can’t force it, but we can’t ignore it.”

  “Dad said to let him deal with it,” Bren warns. “You hear me?”

  “I’ll try,” I promise.

  “You’ll do,” Royce orders as he walks past me, holding Willa’s hand while she holds Hayden’s, and Hayley’s is clutched in his other hand. “You’ll do,” he warns over his shoulder, issuing me the dad stare.

  “Yes, sir,” I mutter falling in line behind them.

  Copper hair a streaking blur as she skips across the yard, Penny shouts with glee, “Welcome home!”

  Tying Flies

  Most of my family, all of my new family, and two of our friends, surround a rickety table right in the front yard. I’m in between Bren and Kade, with Jack sitting on Bren’s other side. Hayley keeps sitting on my lap, and then sitting on Bren’s, and then switching back and forth, as if she’s trying to reassure us both that we’re still her favorite.

  Sitting across from us is Warren with Penny fused to his lap, her arm thrown over his shoulders. Warren keeps whispering in Penny’s ear, and her resulting giggle is so sweet it’s giving me cavities.

  Royce is sitting directly across from me, eyes flicking around like he’s ready to pass out ass whoopings.

  Hayden is the calmest of us all, instinctively knowing what his momma needs. He’s talking low and slow, updating her on everything she missed.

  Willa’s better than I expected, but still not up to par with being a functioning human being. She’s spooked, looking like everything is overloading her senses.

  “Boss?” Warren nudges Royce in the side with his elbow. “What hellish job are you forcing me to perform? Do I get a few days off first, or do I start the minute I’m done chewing my food.” He sounds disrespectful, belligerent, and slightly antagonistic. But that’s Warren’s way. The fact that he’ll actually work is a huge step in the right direction.

  Royce’s voice is firm yet understanding. “You’ve had a twenty-three-year vacation, War, with a three month escape from reality. I’d say you’re gonna work when I tell ya to work.”

  “I get it.” Warren puts his hands up in surrender. “I’m just being a dick. I don’t want to end up like Daddy, and I don’t want my kids ending up like Willa, Wynn, and me.”

  “What’s wrong with me?” I act all offended, and then I crack a smile. “Joking.”

  “Dr. Kline said you were to stop being evasive,” Willa cuts in, shocking us all. Her voice is confident for once. “No more acting like an asshole.”

  “Sorry, sister,” Warren mumbles, looking properly cowed.

  Royce eyes Willa the entire time he speaks to everyone at the table. “Warren, you’ll be working on the landscaping crew until the snow flies. You and Penny will get home at the same time, so I’m leaving you be every evening. But you’ve got to find a hobby– doctor’s orders.”

  Penny leans back a bit, giving my brother the stink-eye. “Why would the doctor be giving you orders, Warren?”

  Warren ignores Penny, and that twists my guts into knots. “Hey, Kade do y–”

  Hand clasped over Warren’s mouth and chin, “No, motherfucker,” Penny warns. “You answer me. Now.”

  “Iwasinrehabtoo,” Warren grumbles so quickly we can’t decipher his words. “I have to become a productive member of society. I have to get a job and keep it. I have to treat everyone with respect, especially myself. Willa and I both have to find sponsors and go to NA. Lastly, I’m to find a hobby to occupy my downtime so I won’t look to drugs and alcohol.”

  “Why wasn’t I told?” Penny takes the words out of my mouth, so I sit frozen in my chair, mind spinning out of control. “Why did you lie to me when we spoke on the phone, when we wrote to each other?” Penny’s voice breaks with the same betrayal that’s washing over me. “Why, Warren?”

  “Baby,” Warren croons, eyes turning shiny. “I didn’t want to worry you.” Then my brother turns to me. “You had so much shit you were dealing with. I lied to protect you. So hate me if you must, but I kept my trap shut for your sake.”

  The tension surrounding us is so thick you could cut it. “I… I… I…” All I can do is stutter, I’m so frustrated and shocked.

  “What were you asking me?” Kade breaks into the heavy silence.

  “Do you still have your papaw’s fly tying equipment and supplies?” Warren tries to sound pleasant, but his eyes are darting around like we’re all disappointed in him.

  I reach across the table to still my brother’s tapping fingertips. “Whatever you gotta do, you do it. You have nothing to be ashamed
of, and I’m proud that you got yourself some help. Whatever I feel about that is about me, so don’t you worry about it.”

  My words were directed to Warren, but it’s Willa who visibly relaxes. My brother and sister are a little under a year apart in age, and have always been close. Their addiction was shared.

  Daddy’s last words to me, where he wondered if I was some townie’s kid, hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve always been different– other. I’ve never truly been a Gillette, at least not in the sense that I belonged. I don’t want Warren and Willa to think I’m judging them just because I didn’t turn to vices to deal with my shit. I just want them to be happy and healthy.

  Underneath the table, Kaden rests a heavy palm on my knee to reassure me. A jolt runs up my spine, clearing my head and making me gasp in shock.

  Royce’s eyes are on me before I can close my mouth, giving me the ‘I see everything’ dad look.

  “Yeah, Warren,” Kade begins speaking like his thumb isn’t stroking my knee. “I hate that sonofabitch for so many reasons, but I appreciate him teaching me how to tie flies. I picked it back up after I came home from college.”

  Like an idiot, everything Kaden says is intriguing. “You fish?” I ask, hoping he’ll fish with me sometime.

  Kade’s, “I don’t fish,” deflates me. “So I’ve been selling the flies over at McDivitt’s Sporting Goods.”

  “Do you think it’d be okay if we shoot the shit every once and while, and you could teach me to tie flies?”

  Feeling like a teenage girl, I rest heavily against the back of my chair, pouting because my brother is stealing his buddy back when I want to be the one spending time with both of them.

  “I think that’s an excellent idea,” Royce says with a grin, and I resent him a bit for it. “I think Kade would be a good influence on you, Warren.” Eyes flicking in my direction, he says, “This way he’d get some friends his own age.”

  “I was thinking of crafting a new fishing pole since we left ours in Gillette Holler.” I turn to Kade, “I could make you one, and Warren and I could teach you how to fly fish. It would be a good opportunity to teach the little ones.”