Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  It’s been the longest seventy-two hours of my life.

  “Uh-oh, I’m rubbing off on ya,” Bren whispers in my ear, and then snickers. “Anything good happening in Dad’s office?”

  “I don’t know.” I press my ear closer to the door. “I can’t hear anything.”

  “Amateur,” Bren drawls as his fingers twist the doorknob. My heart beats out of my chest when the door cracks open soundlessly. Bren raises an eyebrow at me, silently saying, “I’m the master.”

  “How could you be so stupid, son?” Royce’s voice is stiff with disappointment. “I’ve warned you about this for over a year, and you didn’t listen.”

  “Which is it? Am I a kid, or an adult? You have to pick.” Kade sounds furious, and I turn to look at Bren in utter shock. “I’m twenty-three, and you treat me like a child. When you were my age, you were married and a father. Give me some credit.”

  Bren just raises his eyebrow higher, lips twisting into a smirk. “Dad treats Kade the same as he treats you,” he mouths back at me. “Good Luck.”

  “Jesus Christ. Don’t start that shit again. I hear that enough from Wynn.” I arch my head to the side, trying to peek through the crack in the door. Bren’s palm landing on my shoulder makes me meep. I’m pressed down to my knees.

  “We need to get out of eye level. No one looks down,” Bren whispers in my ear. “They will see the crack at most, not your eyes glowing back.”

  “I know you love Wynn, but you don’t understand him.” Kade is walking around in a tight circle while Royce sits behind the desk. “By default, adult Wynn is responsible. When you piss him off by not trusting him, he turns into teenager Wynn, and that kid is terrifying.” Kade points right in Royce’s face. “Your fault.”

  “He is a teenager.” Sighing, Royce rests his forehead in his palms.

  “Which am I, Royce? Adult or child? You need to pick, and you need to do the same with Wynn.” Kade slumps into a chair, looking like he’s been lectured in this office too many times to count. “Kids don’t pay bills. They worry about their grades, sports, their friends and family, where they are going to college, and who they want to screw. I don’t see how Wynn is acting out of character, and neither am I.”

  Glaring, Royce grits out in a grave tone. “In this, you’re an adult and Wynn is a child, and you’re both fucking up your lives.”

  “I’m an adult, and as such, it is my responsibility to make my own decisions. Do you have any idea how hypocritical I feel right now?”

  “What?” Royce is thrown by how despondent Kaden sounds. Only Bren’s hand on my shoulder keeps me from barging into the office to comfort Kade.

  “This isn’t even about my six year obsession with Wynn, even if you’ve all made me feel like a pervert.”

  “You’re not a pervert,” Royce clips out. “I’ve never said that. It was always in your head.”

  “Whatever,” Kade grumbles like he doesn’t believe it.

  “Speaking of acting like a child… So, why are you a pervert and a hypocrite now?”

  “I’m not a pervert,” Kade grumbles. “The school board knows I’m gay. The superintendent raved over my idea about the Facebook group. But I was told by them and by you to keep it private. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have my foster dad tell me to hide my true self?”

  “You have to tell me this shit, Kaden. I’m not a goddamned mind reader.” Royce’s voice is tight with frustration. “Everything I do is well intentioned.”

  “Every day I mentor kids about being true to themselves, owning who they are, and I’m living a lie.”

  Sounding confused, Royce leans across the desk. “Is it worth losing your job over it, son?”

  “Yes,” Kade answers unequivocally. “If it makes a statement, so be it. If Rusty Knob won’t accept me for who I am, I don’t give two shits about Rusty Knob. They won’t run me out of town. If I lose my job, trust in the values you instilled in me that I will not stop doing what is best for these kids. Maybe seeing me stand up for myself will feel as if I’m standing up for them, too.”

  “So, fucking a senior in your car, in the middle of a parking lot for the whole town to see, that was your version of independence? You’re shitting me, right?”

  “No, Royce,” Kade says gruffly. “That was me doing something I never got to do when I was a teenager. Between your celibacy bullshit, the horrors of penetrative sex, and your warnings of lynching the faggot kid, I’m stunted.”

  “That was for your benefit.” Royce reaches across the desk to pat Kade’s shoulder, affection coloring his words. “God… the thought of you being in pain kills me. You’re very fragile in a way.”

  “Thanks for metaphorically cutting my balls off,” Kade snarls. “And thanks for threatening to literally de-nut me if I touched Wynn again, my version of actually gaining a pair in the first place.”

  “I… I don’t get it,” Royce stammers.

  “Of course you don’t. You’re straight, and it’s simpler. You met the girl of your dreams, asked her to marry you, and didn’t think twice about being inside her. It was thought of as normal.” The side of Kade’s fist connects with the edge of the desk, causing all four of us to jump.

  “That’s what life’s about, son. I don’t know why that’s upsetting you.”

  “This is my normal.” Kade thumps the desk again. “And I won’t apologize for it any longer, nor will I hide from it. It sends the wrong message to my kids, and your bullshit is confusing yours.”

  “That’s not true,” Royce mutters in denial. “I’m not confusing the boys at all.”

  “I’m one of your boys, remember?” Kade challenges. “How old were you when you lost your virginity.”

  “That’s private.”

  Not backing down, Kade bulldozes forward. “We’re both adults sitting here, answer the question.”

  Royce says without hesitation, “No.”

  “I’m trying to make a point,” Kade stresses. “Answer the question. How old were you?”

  Snarling, “I was attacked at age nine,” Royce tears our hearts out. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  I reach up to squeeze the hands gripping my shoulders. Bren releases me, and then sits against the wall, facing me. I can’t look at his face for more than a split-second, before the pain causes bile to rise in my throat.

  “Shit,” Kade hisses. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. We’ve been through all of that before, and you know I hate it when you yank out the ‘funny uncle’ story to put me in my place.”

  “Fine,” Royce concedes. “I was fourteen… with Annie. I haven’t been with anyone since she died.”

  “Knock your shit off, Royce. Don’t use emotional extortion to stop me from proving a point.” My eyes flick to Bren’s in astonishment over how Kade manages Royce. We have a lot to learn from their interactions.

  “I was fourteen,” Royce states plainly, not adding anything that wasn’t asked.

  “How old am I?”

  “Don’t do this,” Royce warns. “Don’t make me do this.”

  Kade doesn’t back down. “How old am I?”

  “It’s not safe. You could get hurt, or harm someone else if you’re not careful.” Royce begins stammering again. “There are diseases to think about.”

  “Yeah, but not pregnancy,” Kade all but growls. “But that’s okay if Bren knocks up some chick on accident, as long as he’s not doing a dude. Then he’d have to marry her, right? I know you’re not a homophobe, but your actions and words make you out to be one.”

  “I’m looking out for your best interests, and you know it.” Royce leans over his desk, getting into Kade’s space. “Don’t take my actions out of context and then throw them back into my face.”

  “The intentions are good, but they make me feel bad about myself,” Kade murmurs quietly, as if it’s impossible to speak the words any louder. “I’m almost the same age you were when you were widowed, and you expect me to live a life of celibacy– a lie –al
l because I want to be with men.”

  “I… I… I don’t mind you being with men. I just don’t want you being harmed. I never said you had to be a virgin at your age–”

  “Yes, you did,” Kade cuts Royce off. “You’re okay if I wanted to go out and screw a girl, or pick a guy up in a bar for a blowjob. But you raised me to want more, to want a commitment and a relationship, and your bullshit cuts off the possibility of one. No sex without a commitment, but don’t actually have sex. Say what?” Kade squawks. “And that is what has you so pissed off at me and Wynn, because we decided the feeling was mutual.”

  “So you fuck my son in your car to screw me over– to prove a point? I want more for you than that, and I want more for Wynn than being used because you have daddy issues.”

  Instead of being angry, Kade tilts his head backward and releases a spine-tingling laugh. Voice arrogant and smug, “Trust me when I say neither one of us thought of you when we were in the moment, and both of us took responsibility for our actions.”

  “So when you lose your job tomorrow morning, and Wynn is so ashamed of himself and bereft with guilt, I’m to send him to you for suicide watch? Jesus Christ, Kaden. I’ve got two boys on my hands who tried to kill themselves and they gravitated to each other. What do you think I should have done differently?”

  “Nothing,” Kade whispers. “I get it. You love using the word fragile for Wynn and me, and I understand why you’re terrified. But we’re not going to bond over a suicide pact. If anything, we’ll help each other cope.”

  “What about the fallout, though? If you’re adult enough to fuck, you’re adult enough to clean up your own messes. You’re both my children, and it’s my responsibility to keep you from destroying yourselves and each other.”

  Kade leans over the desk, blocking out all sight of Royce. “You need to trust yourself enough to have faith in the way you’ve raised us. You need to trust Wynn and me. You need to understand that we love, trust, and respect you, and the only reason we ever get mad at you is when you don’t trust us in return.” Kade returns to his seat, and says, “Let us grow up.”

  “Wynn’s still a kid,” Royce repeats for the billionth time, and I don’t fail to flinch.

  “Wynn’s my equal.” Kade’s response causes my heart to stutter. When my heart restarts, it beats a rapid tattoo in my chest. I quickly glance at Bren, and find his mouth hanging open in utter shock.

  Royce’s snort is as loud as a gunshot in dead silence. “Equal? Pfft… Which are you in this scenario? Are you saying you act seventeen, or that Wynn acts twenty-three?”

  “Wynn’s as mature at his age as I am at mine. When I was seventeen, I was a gangly child with no direction in life. I was dumb, ugly, skinny, and broken. I was freaking out over being a pervert. I might look like a grown man now, and have the degree to prove it, but I don’t feel it yet because I have no experiences. Wynn’s a grown man with his shit together, so you need to quit stunting him.”

  “So, what?” Royce sounds disgusted. “I’m just supposed to let you screw each other?”

  “Don’t denigrate what Wynn and I could build,” Kade snarls. “Not only do you not stop Bren from scratching all the girls in Rusty Knob, you encourage it. So instead of accepting that I want to be Wynn’s friend, that I want to be near him, you have to make it dirty and nasty.”

  “Are you honestly going to deny that you don’t want to fuck him? Screw him in the way I warned you against?”

  “What would you have done if you were my age and Annie asked you to be with her? Would you have relegated her to a life of grinding against each other and call it sex? And don’t utter that bullshit about how you had to make kids. You couldn’t afford kids, and it’s not a prerequisite for marriage.”

  “It’s not the same goddamn thing!” Royce slaps his desk, turning furious. Face boiling red, the vein in his forehead is visibly throbbing with his heartbeat.

  Calm in the face of the storm, “Yeah, it is. You loved Annie, and you wanted to connect with her, so you did. Wanting to be inside a man, or have one inside me, is no more abnormal than you wanting to be inside a woman. So don’t push your issues off on me and expect me to believe what I crave and need is wrong.”

  Royce lunges from the desk, and begins pacing around his office. Bren and I share a confused glance, communicating how we hate Royce being upset, but knowing he needs to hear the truth.

  I reach over to grip Bren’s hand, give a sharp tug until we’re both standing upright, and then I walk into the office.

  Startled, Royce whips around, hand still raised to rake through his hair. “What the–?”

  “Seriously? When will you ever learn?” Bren swaggers across the room to take a seat in his father’s chair. “It’s me– I snoop like it’s my day job.” He points at me, rolling his eyes. “Kade’s in here, and you honestly believe Wynn wouldn’t be stalking him?”

  “Apparently, y’all think I’m a shitty father.” Royce yanks Bren out of his chair, and retakes his seat. “You were a curious child, and I could never break you of your obsessive snooping.”

  “You would have had better luck if you’d told Wynn to screw Kade.” Bren slumps to the floor, lying on his back like he’s super comfortable. “Just some advice before Hayden and Hayley are teenagers. Telling a guy no will make him want to do it even more… telling two of them…”

  “Did I? Have I? Am I somehow confusing you?” Royce stammers, eyes flicking between Bren, Kade, and me. “Do I make you feel bad about yourselves?”

  Bren turns away so none of us can see his face. “I’m not answering that.”

  “You’re the best dad I’ve ever had,” I try to comfort Royce. “You don’t hit me, scream at me, or bleed me dry. You genuinely care about me, so I give you a pass when you fuck up.”

  “Being compared to Corbin Gillette is not a ringing endorsement, Wynn.” Royce leans back in his chair, groaning. “What am I supposed to do?”

  “Let us grow up,” Bren repeats Kade’s words. “Let us fuck up so we can learn this shit on our own. We’ll come to you if we need your help. I promise.”

  Doubt crosses Royce’s features, but he remains silent.

  Hazel eyes bore into the side of my face, causing a blush to spike my blood. “You need to put all of your attention into the little ones,” Kade says to Royce while staring at me. “I will clean up my own mess, and I will suffer any consequences that may come my way.”

  Royce leans forward in his seat, resting his arms on his desktop. “You shouldn’t have to.”

  “It’s my fault,” guilt spews from my mouth. “I… I’ll try to talk to your boss, or something.”

  “I already took care of it.” Kade’s words are reassuring, but the way he’s clenching his fists speak more truth. “I called the superintendent on Friday night. What’s done is done.”

  “So you lost your job, then?” Bren crawls to his feet, looking concerned.

  Needing a distraction, or possibly trying to distract me, Kade tugs the band out of his hair, allowing his curls to swing around his chin. He leans forward, raking his fingertips through the ringlets. “I don’t know,” comes muffled. “Possibly. Probably. It’s too soon to tell. I’ve been honest with Mrs. Ross since day one, even going as far as to tell her about Wynn.”

  Utter shock pours off of me. “You told your boss about me?”

  “I had to, Wynn.” Kade wraps the band back around his hair, and then stands up straight. “Royce is right about me watching you for far too long. I knew when I came home I’d be tempted to do something stupid. It didn’t help that you were so eager to join me.”

  “I’m sor–”

  “Don’t apologize,” Kaden demands. “Don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Don’t regret it. If I lose my job, so what? I’ll find another one.”

  Bren and I stare at Royce– Bren with big, brown puppy dog eyes, pleading with his dad to fix it, and me hoping to seek some guidance.

  A loud snort fills the silence. “Don’t look at me like
that.” Royce stands from his seat. “I’ve got more of you assholes I’ve got to keep in line. So I’ma do what you asked me to do. I’ma let you grow up. If you fuck up, enjoy the consequences.”

  “That suspiciously sounded like an ‘I told you so!’ Didn’t it?” I shout at Royce as he leaves his office. Deep laughter flows, and us gluttons for punishment follow after it.

  Good Boy!

  “Winnie the Pooh!” Penny’s squeal stings my ears a split-second before I’m engulfed in a bear-hug. Tiny arms clutching at my waist, with her big belly pressing into my hip, Penny knocks me backward into Kade.

  Large hands steady me, but the deep laugh spikes heat through my blood. “Princess Penny,” flows smoothly. “How are you feeling today? How’s the babe?”

  “Good! Good. Just missed my Winnie the Pooh, is all.” Penny steps away, and then punches me in the arm. “You don’t visit enough.”

  I rub my arm, wondering if Penny’s been taking boxing lessons. I glance down and take note that it was the ring on her finger inflicting the damage. “Jesus, girl.” Laughter spills from everyone as I shake my head back and forth. “I see you every freaking day at school, and at least once a day I’m at your house. Do you remember church this morning? The playground after? How much more time do you need? I’ve got to sleep at some point.”

  “You left me.” Penny sniffles and pouts, causing her copper ponytail to bob up and down. She flashes me sad, brown eyes that probably render Warren speechless, but have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

  “I left you with him.” I point at my grinning brother. “You picked him, so you get to keep him.”

  “I hear you thinking ‘good riddance’ in your head, bro!” Warren punches me in the same spot Penny did, and he doesn’t pull his hit. “But I don’t know which one of us you’re happier to be rid of. Penny is not easy to live with. Sure you don’t wanna move back in and be our buffer?”

  “Fuck!” I hiss, gripping my arm when Warren punches me again, only to hiss again when I’m flayed by the cussing spatula. “What did I do to deserve such violence?”