F**k It Therapy

by John C. Parkin

  When he brings out a range of candles, you are confused. But the confusion is soon cleared up. You said ‘fork handles;’ he thought you said ‘four candles.’ You both have a laugh. And you pay for four fork handles that combine as novelty candles so that, on birthdays, you can both tuck into the birthday cake with your fork, and light the fork at the same time to blow out and celebrate your birthday.

  Now the first point, second: it’s possible to make money out of just about anything – especially with a variety of modern technologies (zippy ways to make and produce things, and zippy ways to spread the word about things and get your zippy things to zippy people all over the world). Combine the zippy technologies with some imagination and you could end up doing what you love and earning money from it very quickly. When you’ve earned enough money from it to know that you don’t have to continue doing the thing that you don’t love so much but have done because you had to earn money, you can stop doing the thing(s) you don’t love in favor of the thing(s) you do love. And that’s a good thing.

  This is the formula:

  Work out what you love.

  Use your imagination to find ways to make money out of what you love.

  Use zippy technology to make it all happen.

  If you can’t work out ways to make money, have a lie down and dream a bit more, talk to friends… there is an answer in there… you just need to let it come to you.

  You can do it. Come on. Say after me:

  ‘F**k It, I can and will make a living out of doing what I love.’ And in the process I’ll be showing everyone I know that it’s possible to make a living of the things that they love, too. Until the whole world is doing what it loves and making a living out of it.

  I make a living out of doing what I love. Gaia makes a living out of doing what she loves. Part of that happens to be teaching other people to say ‘F**k It’ and make a living out of doing what they love. Lovely jubbly3.

  1 Money (origin unknown) but often described as such in the UK.

  2 Listen to F**k It Music at www.thefuckitlife.com

  3 A jocular expression meaning loveliness itself (and you really need to rub your hands together while saying it in a jolly sort of way). The inimitable Del Boy Trotter, in the smashing British sitcom of the ’80s and ’90s Only Fools and Horses, made this phrase famous.

  BEING FREE IN MONEY TOWN

  It’s not easy to be free in Money Town. It’s a dazzling place in which all the riches you could imagine allow you to live a life you could only dream about.

  In Money Town, those who don’t have much are constantly reminded by those who do (have enough, and more) that it’s the money that matters: the making of the money, the accumulating of the money, the spending of the money. It’s the money that gives you value in Money Town. Given that money is the currency for everything (including self-esteem), people who are out of the currency loop feel terrible. They’re always looking at those who have the money with envy. Of course, there are older people who remember the times, long ago now, before the money took over, when people were happy without it and happy to be out of the loop. In fact, they even saw being in the loop as a little vulgar. But the whole system in Money Town is there to reinforce the idea that money matters. It’s in the name of the town, after all. So money does matter. It has to. If it didn’t matter, then less of it would go around. And then where would the citizens of Money Town be?

  But it’s not all easy for people who are in the loop either, for those who have the money and access to all the wonders of Money Town that only money can buy. Sure, they have a great lifestyle. But they see people without money lurking in the shadows of the town: dirty, desperate, hopeless souls. And they spend every moment in fear that they could lose their money and end up in the shadows, too. They also fear that they don’t have enough, that there are always new people coming into the town grabbing their share of the money, and that there are older people hanging on to their money and not letting it flow around the loop. Both are threats. Surely there’s not enough money to go round with so much new grabbing and old hoarding.

  Is anyone happy in Money Town, then? Is it the money that’s to blame? Or does Money Town just attract unhappy people who then blame the money for their unhappiness?

  Well, sure, quite a few of the happy people on the planet simply moved out of Money Town. They decided it wasn’t worth worrying about, so they moved to places where they weren’t reminded every day of how important money is. Or they gave up their highly paid jobs and decided that they could live on less, and moved out of town to enjoy living, not just making a living.

  But the surprise news is that there are many people in Money Town who are happy. There are those who don’t have much, who still enjoy what they have, and celebrate the success of others, even when the others have a lot more than they do. There are those who have an awful lot, and enjoy every cent to the fullest, but they don’t hang on to it. They know that the money doesn’t matter SO much, and they’d probably be okay without so much of it anyway. They actually see the making of the money as a bit of a game.

  WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

  It’s not easy to be free in Money Town, but it is possible.

  Within our circle of friends and acquaintances, I know people from all sides of Money Town, and many people who have moved out of town, too.

  Our interest, given that much of our society is dominated by money, is not to avoid it, or opt out, but to see how it’s possible to be free with money. How is it possible to say F**k It around money?

  How is it possible to enjoy money and all that it brings without getting attached to it and becoming its slave?

  I don’t know. So let’s move on to the next chapter, How to Clean Out a Hamster Cage.

  Actually I do. Don’t worry.

  What’s my money story? Well, both my parents came from modest backgrounds. They worked hard and succeeded in creating a ‘very comfortable’ (as my mother would say when I asked, as a kid, ‘Mom, are we rich?’) home and life for us. We knew we were lucky. And we all liked what that money bought: a lovely home, a big Bang & Olufsen TV, vacations, meals out, etc. (I know that sounds peculiar now, but this was back when having a meal out was a real treat.) But there was some guilt there, too. Mine was a Christian family. And though it was satisfying to drive up to the local church in a nice car with leather seats, the dissonance was also felt.

  So I grew up, went off to university, and then went into a job. I had what I thought was a very healthy attitude to money: I believed that if I did what I loved, then money would follow. I judged those who worked just for the money, and those who displayed their wealth ostentatiously. But I still, I know, wanted to be ‘very comfortable.’ I decided not to continue along an academic path because I wanted to try my hand in the real world (and that included earning some real cash). I did relatively well, relatively early on. I had a great job doing what I loved, which was writing and coming up with ideas, and it paid well.

  But I was in conflict and, at times, I knew it. I wanted the bigger paycheck and all that it bought (a bigger apartment, a better car, some security, maybe even ‘freedom’). But I also regarded money as somehow vulgar. I only worked on projects I believed in, and even persuaded myself that I was making a difference in some of the things I did. Like the environment I grew up in, I had an ongoing, ever-present dissonance, the desire for something, but then the accompanying guilt with it.

  Fast-forward a few years. Gaia and I decided to leave the well-paid jobs and all their security behind to set up a retreat in Italy. We wanted to live a simpler life, in the countryside, and do what we loved – practice and teach holistic disciplines. We packed up our belongings into a campervan (including our one-year-old twin boys) and headed off to Italy to find a location for the retreat. And we found the perfect spot remarkably quickly: a hill near Urbino with two abandoned farmhouses on it. So we began to plan how to purchase, renovate, and establish the retreat business.

  A few months later we returned to Lo
ndon to earn a bit of cash. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Balham. Gaia would do one-to-one breathwork sessions with clients in one room, and I would escape to the local park with the boys in their buggy.

  And during that time we had to start filling in the details of how the whole project would work. I had to create a business plan (I’d never done one before) and we had to raise money (I’d never had to raise so much money before). I got nervous. We needed what felt like a huge amount of money. And I realized, with a jolt, at that moment, I had issues around money. I realized that, though I needed lots of money to make our ‘simpler living’ plan work, I was suspicious of money. It became very clear to me that, at the same time, I wanted it and didn’t want it. I wanted it, but it was vulgar. I wanted it on my terms. I would judge other people with money entirely on the terms that I had created around money: it’s okay to have it as long as you don’t flash it around too much, and you use your money to ‘put something back.’ I could feel, all of a sudden, all the contradictions and blockages and issues I personally had around money.

  So I decided it was time to clear them. I wrote dozens of positive sentences about money: sentences that I knew full well were different from my money beliefs, sentences that went against any moral logic. I had (you’ll see), sentences that contradicted any economic laws I’d learned (specifically that we live on a planet of finite resources).

  This was the kind of thing:

  Money is coming at us from all directions.

  There is plenty of money to go around.

  I love money and money loves me.

  We are attracting more than enough money for our retreat project and for our personal needs.

  I celebrate all those with money as abundant souls.

  And so on.

  Don’t judge.

  Okay, so I tapped this out on my laptop in that tiny apartment. I printed them up and stuck them all over the walls of the living room. I started reading them out repeatedly and relentlessly. I encouraged Gaia to do the same. I didn’t force our 18-month-old boys to do so (someone might have called in the social services – ‘those Parkins are indoctrinating their babies with positive money psychology, it’s DISGUSTING’).

  The next day I took the boys, as usual, while Gaia helped someone else overcome anxiety, or whatever, and I had to call in at the post office on an errand. As I stopped to grab the door and negotiate the boys’ vehicle through the gap, I looked down and saw a £20 note on the ground. I picked it up. I didn’t pocket it straight away. I looked around. I waited to see if anyone came out of the post office looking for a lost note. But they didn’t. So I kept it. It was working ALREADY. Money was coming at me from all directions. Wow. I had never found more than 10p on the ground before, and here I was, the very day after reciting all those positive sentences, finding money on the ground.

  The next day we got a call from Gaia’s mum. She’d just come into some money, and wanted to share some of it with us. It was a significant amount, enough to get us over the first financial hurdle. And we were off.

  I was stunned. This shit worked. It didn’t just surprise me that it worked, but that it worked so damned quickly.

  We went on to set up the retreat, calling it ‘The Hill That Breathes.’ And the retreat did well. We lived (and still live) in a fantastic place, and were (and still are) earning enough money to lead a comfortable life.

  And I have had, since then, what feels like a very healthy relationship with money. We are very abundant, in that we’re happy to spend money on ourselves, on other people, and invest in new and exciting projects, knowing that the money returns eventually, usually multiplied. We don’t judge or resent others who have money, whoever they are, however they spend it. We don’t think there is too little to go around, so we have to hold on to money or things. Yet we don’t think that there’s an infinite supply of money or things so that we can make waste.

  I personally have just about everything I could want. But I sometimes fantasize about having more (like a nice car with leather seats) and enjoy those thoughts. I personally enjoy owning stuff, quite a bit of stuff. But I don’t hang on to it too tightly, knowing that if it all went, we’d probably still be okay. I know I’m saying this from a fortunate position.

  So let’s go back to that original question: how is it possible to say F**k It around money?

  How is it possible to enjoy money and all that it brings without getting attached to it and becoming its slave?

  It is possible when you become conscious about your relationship with money; it is possible when you clear any issues around money; it is possible when you lose any judgment of money or those who have it (or don’t have it); it is possible when you realize you’d probably be okay without it.

  That is how to say F**k It to money, and many other things in life: get conscious, clear issues and blockages, judge less, and recognize you’d be okay without it.

  Mundane example to make the point that this isn’t just about money…

  You realize you’re having problems with close friends. First, get conscious: what really happens for you around friends? Next, clear issues and blockages: do you fear being abandoned because your best friend at school went off with someone else? Next, judge less: don’t be jealous of those with loads of friends, or dismissive of those with none. Then, recognize you’d be okay without them: know that you’d be fine if you did lose some of your friends.

  And that little process creates some veritable F**k It Magic. Not just for your dollars and cents… but for everything. It makes a lot of sense.

  BEING FREE IN RELATIONSHIPS TOWN

  Now I had this idea of waiting until Gaia and I had a vicious argument before writing this chapter. Why? Because from the outside we seem to have the ideal relationship. We’ve been together for 15 years; we share so much good stuff. We have two amazing kids. We even manage to spend a lot more time together than most couples because we work together. Many of the lovely folk who come on our F**k It Retreats comment how good we are as a couple. Some people have said that we have restored their faith in relationships, that it’s possible to find your soul mate, and make it work with them on a day-to-day basis.

  So I write this, as promised, after a humdinger of an argument – a dirty, stinky, insult-throwing, ‘I-don’t-even-like-you’ round of blows to the head, heart, and belly. There were even illegal, below-the-belt blows.

  Saying F**k It and being free in Relationships Town is a difficult one. Saying F**k It and being free in any town can be difficult, but relationships always, it seems to us, present their challenges. Even, or maybe, especially, when you’re getting into a F**k It frame of mind.

  The statistics are not good when you look at long-term relationships. Between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. And who’s to say how many of the remaining percent are happy marriages? How many of them are staying put because of the kids, or because of a religious belief, or because of fear (of what would happen to them outside the marriage)? How would you define ‘happy marriage’ anyway? Is there anyone out there who has a consistently happy marriage, even a generally happy marriage with the odd hiccup? Yes, I think there probably is. But not many.

  Given the stats and given the facts of your experience of relationships, what’s the point in even trying? Is the very idea of a long-term relationship some culturally imposed pipe dream, anyway? Ah, you say, but it’s very natural to be in long-term relationships, it’s part of our fabric of being, the idea of meeting a life partner with whom you have offspring, and then rear said offspring. But have long-term relationships ever been the norm? Has the number of couples who stay together long-term ever gotten over that halfway mark? If we look back, we assume that divorce rates used to be lower, that people stayed together longer. But we live in an age when people live longer than they ever have (on average, of course). You don’t have to go back that far to find that many people were dying in what we now refer to as ‘middle age.’ It’s not that long ago that many women would die i
n childbirth. And that’s to say nothing of the mass elimination of young men (mainly) in the two World Wars.

  When you look at it like this, the idea that you meet someone when you’re relatively young, and you stay with him or her until you’re relatively old, has probably always been as unlikely as it is now. Before it was probably because one of you would get knocked out early involuntarily. Now it’s because one of you has had enough and knocks off early voluntarily.

  So while we’re into the knocking, why don’t we knock on the head the idea that a sign of a successful life, and a successful relationship, is its longevity?

  Ah, that feels better.

  So, your relationship working or not working isn’t a reflection of how you’re doing, or have done, in life, okay?

  If you’re five times divorced, it doesn’t mean you’ve done any worse or better than Mr. and Mrs. Bloggins over there who are still bickering over who should make the tea for their 50th wedding anniversary.

  SO, WHAT ARE YOU AFTER IN RELATIONSHIPS TOWN?

  It’s worth asking yourself that. In fact, it’s worth going through a whole F**k It process around your approach to relationships.

  If we take those six F**k It steps we looked at in the Secret Section (see page… ah, they aren’t numbered are they?)… Okay, I’ll summarize:

  Open, first, to more possibilities in the life of your relationship (and we’re talking here about a relationship with a significant other, though you can clearly spread these ideas out to other relationships in your life). Open, clearly, if you haven’t already, to the possibility of it becoming more or less close (i.e., that you commit more, or you commit less and leave).

  Relax around the relationship. It’s not the be all and end all. Your life isn’t going to be judged on the success of this one. Your life probably won’t fall apart if it doesn’t work. Ease up a bit on yourself, and your expectations of the relationship. Ease up a bit on your partner. Ease up on the pictures you have in your head of where this relationship could go (and you probably have opposing pictures of an idyllic future and one where you leave this person, too).