F**k It Therapy

by John C. Parkin

  In fact, I’ve often described F**k It as giving you the perspective that you get when bad things happen to you. When shit happens – when you get sick, or someone close to you dies, or you lose everything, or you’re made redundant, or your child disowns you, or the economy collapses, or your country goes to war – your world shifts in a moment. You realize instantly that what you worry about every day doesn’t matter so much. All your compass points change. What you wanted and what you aimed for no longer seems to matter.

  And this shift in perspective can be very positive. It’s just a bummer that it generally seems to happen when bad things happen. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said to me, ‘I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me, but it turns out that…’ and they explain how many amazing things have happened to them because of the shit and the perspective-transforming effect that that shit had.

  Shit things give us perspective. And that can turn out to be a good thing, even though you won’t appreciate that in the middle of the shit. The point about F**k It is that it can help you get perspective (i.e., it doesn’t matter so much after all) before perspective gets you (i.e., the shit things make you realize that it doesn’t matter so much after all).

  So in a Town Where Shit Happens, which is every town, F**k It can help in a variety of ways when the shit is happening, but it can also help you live from the true perspective of someone who knows that shit happens, but doesn’t have to experience perpetual shit in order to live more freely.

  Stop the presses: since writing that, shit made an unexpected visit to my town. And I’ve recalled another couple of things that I do in the presence of such shit:

  I try to remember that things usually get better. And, indeed, they have already.

  I endeavour to take one step at a time when times are tough. This is a knack I’ve always tried to employ: even at school when I was dreading (and I mean DREADING) a day of lessons ahead, I learned that simply trying to cope with the idea of the first lesson, would usually get me through. Now, when the shit is heavier than a math lesson, I still try simply to think of what I need to do next, and nothing more. ‘Just keep swimming,’ as Dory says in Finding Nemo.

  Don’t be brave

  I think in our culture there is an underlying belief that to be a grown-up man or woman, you have to brave, as if being an adult is something you graduate to; as if it is about feeling the responsibility and fighting to prove that you can take it, whatever it takes.

  But don’t you think that if we were all allowed to feel supported and accepted in being in whatever state we are in, we would naturally find our feet, we would naturally become comfortable with whatever feelings we have, and we would be able to function in society in our highs and lows with more softness and naturalness, making space for all the shades of being human?

  We are a mix of things. All life is; it’s normal. Sometimes we are naturally brave and strong and outgoing. Sometimes action is what comes naturally. And we can do it because it is in us. But sometimes we’re vulnerable and uncertain and scared and incapable of action.

  So ask yourself, what’s so terrible about that?

  When you were a small child you weren’t ashamed of your feelings. Children feel fully and then they’re able to move on fully. Who said this couldn’t work for adults?

  Certainly all this hiding of our fears isn’t working so well for adults or for our society.

  So it is well worth trying the alternative. Don’t lie; don’t be brave when you’re not, no matter what others will make of it.

  You may just find that being vulnerable when you feel that way makes you stronger.

  Gaia’s Magic Weeks, held in Italy, are part of the F**k It Retreats program. Find out more at www.thefuckitlife.com

  BEING FREE AND LIVING THE BETA LIFE

  I’ve mainly used Yahoo for e-mail for the last decade. And for much of that time I’ve been working on a ‘beta’ version. Beta is a test version. Software developers used to put the beta version out to a select group in order to iron out any bugs (though I’m sure software developers don’t ‘iron out’ bugs, but please don’t write in with what they actually do with their bugs) before releasing onto the mass market. It’s a fine and simple idea to test something before you release it fully. You’d like to think that the new headache drug you buy at the drugstore has been thoroughly tested before you take it. Same with your software, as software bugs can be lethal.

  Well, I remember being a little surprised whenever it was, years ago, when Yahoo suggested that I try their beta version. They told me how much better the beta version was than the ‘original’ version that I was using, and that I could switch back any time. I was somewhat hesitant. Why would I want to use an unfinished system, especially for something as essential as e-mails? Why can’t they be bothered to finish it before they release it to me? But they kept asking me, pleading with me even, to try it… they kept telling me about all the new features that their beta version boasted. So I went for it. And I liked it. In fact, I pretty soon forgot that it was a beta version. And so did they, it seems, because they never asked me if I’d found any bugs they could iron out. Clearly there were Yahoo worker ants somewhere in the world rapidly ironing out any bugs that people were telling them about (or rather shouting at them about, which is more likely the case).

  I was happy, anyway. But what I noticed is that they continued to refer to this version as the ‘beta’ version. It never seemed to become the real version (whatever that would have been: Yahoo 7.8 or something). It stuck stubbornly to beta. And this was interesting to me.

  Then, a couple of years later, when I logged into my account, I received a new invitation to upgrade to their new ‘beta’ version. This puzzled me. I was under the impression that they were still testing the old version and here they were trying to get me to use yet another version, and ‘beta’ at that. But I went for it – more easily this time. And it was good. But I wasn’t asked what I thought. They continued to call it beta… yes… you guessed it… until the next beta version came along.

  And I realized that it must all be a game, that Yahoo had somehow shifted the idea of ‘beta’ for all of us. They’d clearly seen, in the early days of beta versions, that many people wanted to have the beta version, even if it contained some bugs, because it meant you had the very latest version. You were an early adopter, living in the frontier land of software design. A beta version implied – yes, something that wasn’t quite finished, or polished, or perfected – but also something that was edgy, pushing the boundaries. Its rougher, edgier, unfinished quality became its benefit. And Yahoo (and I should think many others) saw that and offered it to the mass market. Who knows how ‘beta’ those versions really were.

  And I’ve seen this beta version mentality everywhere on the web. Everything is faster, shoot-from-the-hip, suck-it-and-see. It’s easier to try something out and then change it if it doesn’t work. Brands don’t spend a whole year planning and developing ad campaigns anymore – you can knock up a viral bit of video in a day and put it out there and see if it sticks. If not, do another one. Try something; it doesn’t have to be perfect, in fact it’s even better if it feels a bit rough and edgy. If it doesn’t work, dump it, and try something else. Do this so frequently that, after a while, the aim ceases to become finding the perfect answer, or software, or piece of communication, but just the act of putting stuff out there and keeping the conversation going.

  And what a way that would be to live! Look how most of us live. We like to get things right, deliberate big time before making any decisions, worry about putting a foot wrong, plan ahead in detail… we even see ourselves as a project that we’ll improve and develop to the point where we smooth off the rough edges and become calmer, kinder, more generous, more educated, more efficient, etc., etc. We tend to have a ‘perfect’ version of ourselves in mind that we then work toward.

  F**k It.

  How would it be to live a Beta Life? To live in perpetual test mode; to tr
y things out and if they work, great, if not, to dump them; to not have a fixed idea of where you’re heading, (you’re certainly not heading toward some far-off perfect version of yourself), you’re just happy trying things out on a daily basis. The pressure is off. It’s time to play. And that’s what beta is about: living by your wits. The Beta Life requires that you’re not so bothered, the essential F**k It quality. After all, because you’re trying new things out all the time, you’re more likely to fail (just as you’re more likely to hit gold, in whatever realm you’re operating).

  F**k It Living is Beta Living. Open to a new way of living. Relax and take your foot off the pedal. Shift your perspective – things don’t have to be perfect; you don’t have to be perfect. Tune in to see what you feel like doing. Trust the value of that message. Follow and do it – test it, and find out if it works for you; if not, move on. Quickly. It’s an organic, living process, this life thing, by definition. It’s us that try to fix it, hold it, remodel it, perfect it. But life isn’t like that. Life is ever-changing, totally dynamic, rough, imperfect, unpredictable. ‘Life’ isn’t just calm, peaceful, consistent, sorted, predictable, perfect, reliable. It’s everything else, too.

  And so are you. If you tune in, fully, to your instinct, it is all of everything, too. Because your instinct is your fastest way to that ‘life’ energy. So practice Beta Living and you’ll very soon be living your F**k It Life.

  BEING FREE AND UPGRADING YOUR LIFE

  I write this from the suite of a five-star hotel in central London. Gaia is about to have a swim. Later we’ll walk into Soho for a Chinese meal. Tomorrow morning, we’ll sit in the spa here and prepare for the F**k It Days we’re doing here over the weekend.

  And you may well have noticed that I’ve referred to a few hotels during the course of this book. And they are all lovely hotels, too. It’s not that we’re loaded and money is no object, it’s that I’ve learned how to upgrade.

  Let’s start with this one. It’s the week before Easter, and London is busier than ever in the year of the Olympics. And yet we’re sitting and swimming and sleeping and eating in the very lap of luxury in the heart of it all for… well, the room I booked cost 40 percent of the usual room-rate price. And when we arrived at reception just now, the receptionist happened to be Italian and, without us even asking, upgraded us to a suite. And I’ve just looked up the price of a suite. So we’re now paying a measly 25 percent of the ‘advertised’ room-rate price.

  We live an Upgraded Life, and I’m about to teach you how. It takes a lot of F**k It. First, let’s look at the actual upgrade (which is usually the last part of the process).

  I’ve been upgraded in every single one of the last ten hotels I’ve stayed in. I’m not a business user. I’m scruffy as hell. So how do I do it? First, be incredibly polite to the receptionist. Take a real interest in them – not because you’re about to ask for an upgrade, but because you’re actually interested in them (there’s a difference and it’s felt). Now, if you’ve booked your room through a discount bookings agency, there’s a chance you’ve been given the smallest room in the hotel, and the receptionist will know that. But, unless they take a real shine to you (as just happened here), they’ll still go ahead and install you in that room (many four-star hotels nowadays, for example, have utilized very small spaces then decked them out wonderfully, so that they can still make money when they discount online). So you take your key-card, grab your luggage, and head to the elevators, knowing that you’ll be down again in three minutes. Go to the room; put your bag in the hall. Don’t touch anything. Don’t sit on the bed. Just check it’s not the suite already and you got lucky. Then leave your bag there and go back down to reception. Be really polite, and say that you’ve just been to the room, that you actually want to spend a lot of time in the room over your stay as you have a lot of work to do, and would it be possible to have a bigger room, please… and that you’d be so grateful if s/he could help you out. Then add that you haven’t touched anything in the room, you haven’t even sat down. And, rooms permitting (which they usually are), s/he’ll upgrade you.

  That’s the actual upgrade. What about the room you booked into at a fraction of the cost? Just 20 minutes of hard work on the web. You need two or three great discount booking sites. And you occasionally need to take a risk. Lastminute.com, for example, have something called ‘Secret Hotels,’ which offer incredible discounts, but you don’t know exactly where they are, or what they’re called, or what they’re like. You try your best to establish where they are, etc., from the details they give. One thing I’ve noticed is that once you’ve found out the details of a ‘Secret Hotel’ (which you do by booking and staying there once), they always use the same code on the site. So I now know the ‘code’ of five or six hotels in London. The deals are usually 50 percent or less. So you can stay in a four- or five-star hotel for the price of a two-star, or less – a hostel. You can sleep rough in the best hotels in town. That’s how you live this part of the Upgraded Life.

  Clearly your best chance of upgrading across the board is to travel, stay, rent, eat, view, out of season during periods or times that other people wouldn’t think to travel, stay, rent, eat, or view. You can have the lifestyle of a celebrity if you’re able to pick and choose when you move around (unless, of course, you are a celebrity, in which case you’re probably being followed around by someone with a camera, you’re already booked into the best rooms in town, and you’re not particularly bothered about the idea of literal upgrading). But you’re hanging on for what you know is the bigger point here, which is… how to upgrade your life above and beyond upgrading your hotel rooms and flights.

  I said that the hotel upgrading takes a little ‘F**k It’… F**k It, I can do this. It takes some chutzpah. What it also takes is the belief that you DESERVE it. Yes, I may have only paid a few bucks for a space in this hotel, but I know they’ve got a lovely suite up there that no one’s booked for tonight, and I DESERVE that luxury.

  And to feel we deserve something, we have to have a positive view of ourselves. Back in the hotel I could elaborate the auto-conversation thus: ‘You John, are a wonderful man; you support your family; you bring something interesting and helpful to the world in the form of F**k It – my God, the least you deserve is a luxurious room to rest your head tonight.’ Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a process of self-justification, this is self-worth. Self-justification comes from low self-worth: ‘I know I don’t deserve this, but I should really have it because, after all, no one else is staying there, and if I don’t then it’s just a waste anyway, and why would you want to waste when there are people out there sleeping on the streets, blah, blah excuse, excuse, blah.’

  So start by appreciating yourself big time. Pat yourself on the back (it’s also good for the qi anyway) and say, ‘Well done, you… you really are doing SO well in life… you deserve the very best that life has to offer.’

  You really do deserve the very best that life has to offer. So start to expect it. Develop a sense of entitlement (in the best sense of that word, not the spoiled brat, trust-funded, silver-spoon type sense of entitlement) that you deserve the very best in life. And not just in terms of the material things (and the literal upgrades), but in every aspect of life: you deserve the best opportunities, the best relationships, the best health, the best chance to follow your dreams, the best sex, the best wine, the best friends.

  So, yes, go say F**k It and upgrade your hotel. But say F**k It, too, to your self-doubts, your limited beliefs, your sense of being a victim of life’s vicissitudes, and feel you deserve the best… go say F**k It and Upgrade Your Life.

  BEING FREE AND JUST TURNING UP IN A TOWN

  We watched Cowboys and Aliens two nights ago, when hunky Daniel Craig wakes up in the Wild West, not remembering anything, but with a futuristic bangle on his wrist. What a lucky cowboy! Not only does he wake up with a perfect but rugged countenance, he has a futuristic machine gun strapped to his arm. So he just turns up at the nearest t
own and establishes his cowboy credentials immediately by putting the local bully in his place.

  We’re currently teaching at a F**k It Retreat for 24 people. The theme of the week seems to be the idea of ‘turning up.’ (I say ‘seems to be’ because a week can go in any direction, depending on the group and what, well, ‘turns up’ during the week.) We all know about the idea of living in the now: the possibility that we could think less about the past and future, and be present to what is going on, now. Each moment, in theory, is entirely new and fresh, full of limitless possibilities.

  Yet most of us approach the moment with so many prejudices, ideas, and judgments that it’s hard to see what’s really there. There’s the expression that we see everything through ‘rose-tinted glasses,’ when we see the best in everything (and the implication of the idiom is that we are overly idealistic, too). What we actually wear as we approach the moment (okay, okay, please don’t pick me up on that, I know we’re never really ‘approaching a moment,’ that there is only ever the ‘moment,’ the ‘now,’ and nothing else exists, blah, blah, blah, but bear with me a second, please) are glasses that focus on very specific areas to the exclusion of others; glasses that wildly distort some parts of the image, color other parts of the image either with ‘rose’ or with darkness, that completely block out much of the image. And this is very natural. And I don’t say that lightly. It’s not just natural, it’s also probably necessary to a certain extent.

  As I alluded to earlier in Why Do Prisons Exist? we do have to do some degree of filtering. In each moment there are billions of bits of information being fed into our brains in different ways from the apparent reality outside. Not only are we seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling, we’re sensing at other levels, too. Even if you just take the seeing bit, we’ve evolved to ‘see’ only a fraction of the full frequency range. If we couldn’t and didn’t filter, our brains would be overwhelmed. If we could take in all the information of just one moment, and absorb it, we could probably live a lifetime in a moment. But we don’t. And can’t. We spread out the experience of apparent reality over several human decades, so it seems fine to filter the ongoing experience down to a manageable frequency range in every respect.