by Jenn Hype
We cautiously made our way down the hall, and as we heard the whispers and muffled sounds, I became increasingly nervous. Were there intruders in the building? A million different scenarios started running through my head and I instinctively reached for Ian’s hand. All of a sudden the muffled sounds became clearer and we heard someone shriek out a loud cry. Before I could even process what just happened, Ian was already running. Full on sprinting towards the source of the commotion.
I took off after him and turned the corner just in time to see Ian pull Martin, one of our team members, off of Lily, one of our developers. Ian grabbed Martin by the neck with one hand and slammed him down on the ground. Lily cried out, pulling my attention from Martin struggling to get out of Ian’s grip, and I ran over to her. I hugged her tightly, trying to soothe her, and led her towards the door. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Ian land a punch directly to Martin’s jaw, causing blood to spurt out of his mouth.
Lily and I walked out to the break room and she sat on a couch while I made her a cup of tea. I knew too well what was happening in there. Her shirt was torn, her face streaked with the constant flow of tears, and her right eye was already red and starting to swell. The only consolation to all of this is that she was still clothed, so maybe he hadn’t hurt her. At least, not in that way.
Lily was still sobbing uncontrollably when the police arrived. As the officers escorted Martin out of the building, a paramedic approached Lily, checking her for injuries. I offered several times to ride with her to the hospital, but Lily had insisted she would be fine and that her sister was meeting her there. I didn’t want her to feel alone, but the humiliation of what I’d witnessed was obvious on her face and I didn’t want to make her any more uncomfortable. She had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and I resolved that I would give Lily a few days, but then I was going to try to talk to her about what happened. I was confident I could help her.
Ian approached me as the last of all the emergency personnel exited our office and I sighed in exhaustion. It had been two hours since we arrived to find Lily and Martin, and despite my exhaustion and hunger from still not having had dinner, I was so incredibly grateful we had gotten here in time to prevent Martin from hurting Lily any more than he already had.
Looking over at Ian, you could see the exhaustion in his body as well, but in his eyes was anger. The way he had leapt into action with no second thought, instinctively protecting Lily - it was messing with my head. He ran a hand through his hair, his shirt half untucked and his clothes wrinkled from the struggle. He looked disheveled and perfect. He gave me a tight smile when he saw me staring at him, and every reason I’d been telling myself to stay away from Ian just disappeared. So I wrapped my hands around his neck and roughly pulled his lips to mine.
Chapter 23
Ian
Adalyn was kissing me. No, Adalyn was consuming me. My adrenaline was still hot, coursing through my veins from the struggle with Martin, but my body’s reaction to Adalyn’s mouth on mine was feral. Primal. The need to have her close to me, to be inside of her, took over and I was no longer in control of my body.
I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around mine, our mouths never breaking contact. Her hands were all over me, exploring, searching. Our mouths continued their assault, and I held her tight as I led us down the hall to my office. As soon as we were inside the door, Adalyn pulled her mouth from mine and slid her body slowly down mine, then reached her hand behind her locking the door, never breaking eye contact.
She placed her hand on my chest, gently pushing me backwards toward the couch along the far wall of my office and I fell backwards as my knees made contact with the cushions. Adalyn climbed onto my lap, straddling my legs as she ran her index finger from my neck, moving slowly down my chest to the button on my pants.
“This is how this is going to happen,” she said as she tugged on the waist of my pants, slipping her fingers inside and lightly grazing my stomach. “I am in control, I call the shots. No questions, no resisting. Can you handle that?” My silence and confusion caused her to still. She pulled her hand away and looked me directly in the eyes and asked again, “Can. You. Handle. That.”
Under normal circumstances a beautiful woman taking charge in the bedroom, err, office, would be a turn on. But something in her eyes gave me pause. The desire was still there, but the Adalyn I had come to know was missing. Something vacant and distant had washed over her, and suddenly this seemed like a bad idea. I didn’t want this Adalyn. I didn’t want whatever facade she was giving me at that moment.
I slid my hands into hers and studied her face, trying to figure out where my Adalyn had gone. “Why are you doing this, Adalyn? Where did you go? This isn’t you.”
She forcefully pulled her hands from mine and jumped off of me, backing away and biting down on her lip to try and stop it from quivering, but it was too late. I knew I was right, something was different.
“Why are you doing this, Ian? Why can’t you just do what I’m asking? I’m sure relinquishing control to a woman is something you’re familiar with,” she spat at me, with a hateful edge in her tone. I knew what she was implying. She was talking about Maggie. And yes, while Maggie was very controlling in every other aspect of my life, she was never controlling in the bedroom. Not that I would have minded.
“Control isn’t the issue for me, Adalyn, and you know that. Mutual respect and honesty - that’s what’s important. And right now, you aren’t being honest with me.” I stood and approached her slowly, even as she continued to match my steps toward her with steps backward of her own. Once she met resistance with the wall she froze and her eyes widened just a fraction.
“What, Adalyn? Talk to me. I’ll give you what you want, whatever it is you need. You need control? You can have it, it’s yours. Just tell me why you need this, tell me why it’s so important. Let me in, Adalyn,” I said as I placed my palm over her heart, and brought my other hand up and gently brushed my thumb down her cheek and then over her bottom lip.
A sob escaped her before she could stop it, and the torture and sadness in her face stole my breath. She was in pain and I found myself getting angry. Not at her, but at whatever had caused such torment to this amazing woman that she couldn’t bring herself to let me in. I needed to know. I had to know. Whatever was hurting her, I wouldn’t be able to rest until I found a way to help her. Show her that I would never add to that pain.
“Just stop it, Ian! Stop!” She smacked my hand away and pushed off the wall, and I let her past, knowing she needed some distance in that moment. “I can’t give you what you’re asking. I can’t be what you need. Why can’t what I’m offering you be good enough?”
“Adalyn,” her name left my mouth more like a plea, a begging question. “Please…”
I moved one step toward her, reaching my hand out, but she dropped her head. “I can’t, Ian,” she whispered, then she turned and walked out.
It took everything in me not to go after her. Not to lock her in here with me until I found a way to get through to her, but no one could make Adalyn do anything. She had proven that time and again. And when I finally got through to her, and I would get through to her, I wanted her to tell me because it’s what she wanted. Not because I had pressured her or coerced her into it.
I didn’t know when it had happened, at what point it became more than an attraction, but I was in love with Adalyn. Whatever secrets she was harboring, whatever pain she was suffering - she didn’t deserve to be struggling with it all alone. I didn’t know how yet, but I would find a way to show her that she could trust me. I wouldn’t be able to rest until I did.
I hadn’t seen Adalyn for six days. She hadn’t come in to work during the day, but I knew she had been in because I was still getting daily updates via email regarding the progress on her project. I found myself staying later and later, hoping to run into her, but I couldn’t bring myself to go looking for her. She needed space, and as much as it killed me to give it to her, I kn
ew pressuring her to see me before she was ready would only hurt her even more.
I hadn’t been sleeping. At least, not well, anyway. That night was haunting me. Part of me worried that I had made it worse by stopping her. I had the worst case of blue balls that I’d ever had in my entire life because I’d stopped her, but I did nothing to relieve the ache. I welcomed the pain, the discomfort, the distraction. Anything to pull attention away from the ache that was growing in my chest.
I missed her. Her company, her conversation - even her sarcasm. I worried constantly that I had ruined whatever was happening between us. That I had undone all the progress we had made and pushed her away. I feared she had taken my stopping her as rejection, as me not wanting her.
I did want her. More than I’d ever wanted anyone in my entire life. My body craved her, my need for her consumed me. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t focus. I hadn’t gotten any work done all week. My body was so weak from exhaustion and not eating that I couldn’t even work out. I was a pathetic mess, but I couldn’t find a way to pull myself out of it.
When Friday rolled around, one week since that night, I decided I couldn’t take it any more. I needed to see her, needed to know how she was doing. I stood up from my desk and walked towards her office. It was half past midnight and I had no idea if she was still here, but as soon as I walked into the break room I saw her. She was curled up on one of the couches, reading a book.
She looked beautiful. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun on the top of her head, there were bags under her eyes, she didn’t have a stitch of makeup on and she was wearing baggy sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt. And she was gorgeous. My heart started pounding in my chest at the sight of her, and I took a few deep breaths to slow it down before I approached her.
“Adalyn,” I whispered, stopping in front of her. She didn’t move for several seconds, and I wondered if she had even heard me, But then she slowly lifted her head to look at me and offered me a weak smile. That pain I had seen that night in my office was still there. It had never left. The time away from her hadn’t helped her, she’d just been suffering alone.
“Adalyn, please…I just need to…” she reached her hand up, interrupting me, and pulled me down on to the couch next to her.
“Just sit with me, Ian. Please,” she begged, her eyes already starting to mist over. “I don’t want to talk, I just don’t want to be alone. Will you just sit with me a while?”
I didn’t respond. I just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me, and she leaned against my side, resting her head on my shoulder.
I don’t know how long we sat like that. I felt a few tears that had rolled down her cheeks land on my arm, and I rubbed my hand up and down her arm and pulled her tighter. I held her while she quietly sobbed, and eventually her crying slowed along with her breathing, and she drifted off to sleep.
I felt my own exhaustion taking over, my eyes becoming heavy. Sitting there with Adalyn in my arms was the most relaxed I had been all week, and after a while I drifted off with her.
I startled awake, my eyes snapping open. I didn’t know how late it was or how long I’d been asleep, but my arms were empty. Adalyn was gone, and I’d never felt more alone in my life.
Chapter 24
Adalyn
It had been damn near impossible to remove myself from Ian’s embrace when I woke up, but as right as it felt being in his arms, I had to get out of there. I didn’t let men comfort me. I didn’t lay in their arms or fall asleep on their chest. I didn’t let myself be in any kind of vulnerable position around a man, regardless of whether or not I wholly trusted that man.
And I did. Trust Ian, that is. As much as I told myself that I shouldn’t, as much as I tried to convince myself that I was only kidding myself, I couldn’t help it. Ian had done the impossible. He had made his way into my heart.
It didn’t matter though. This wasn’t about what I wanted or what I felt. Ian deserved better. He deserved someone who could care for him in a way I couldn’t. He deserved someone to give all of them self to him, to be completely honest and a whole other slew of things I couldn’t do.
As I opened the door to Stacy’s apartment, doing what felt a hell of a lot like the walk of shame at three in the morning, I didn’t expect to see Stacy sitting on the couch staring at me like she was about to kill me.
“What the hell, Stace? Why are you awake? And why are you looking at me like I killed your cat?”
“First of all, I hate cats, so if I had one you’d have my blessing to kill it. They are evil. Second of all, we need to talk.”
“Uhh…okayyyy? Can it wait until later? I’m exhausted and I really just want to go lay down.”
“No, it can’t wait until later. It’s going to happen right now. And don’t bother arguing with me, it’s a waste of time. There’s coffee in the kitchen, so you can stall long enough to make yourself a cup, but then you’re sitting your ass down right here on this couch and talking to me.”
Dammit. I already knew what this was about. I’d completely withdrawn since that night with Ian. I’d been avoiding her and everyone else, and when I did happen to cross paths with her, I avoided her like the plague. Stacy could read me better than anyone else and she would figure out quickly what was wrong and I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“Hurry up, Addy! It doesn’t take that damn long to make a cup of coffee.”
I groaned and made my way back into the living room. “Have you been to bed, Stacy? Why are you up?”
“No, I haven’t been to bed. I’ve been patiently waiting for you to come home so I could force you to talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me, don’t think I didn’t notice. You can’t keep things from me, Addy. I gave you some space, hoping futilely that you would come to me, but I should have known better. So enough’s enough. Talk.”
“I don’t want to talk Stacy. I’m begging you not to make me. I promise I’ll get over this and I’ll go back to normal, just give me more time.”
“Alright, that’s it,” she said as she tossed her arms up into the air. “You’ve obviously lost your damn mind.” She scooted closer on the couch and I tried to move away but I was already up against the arm and couldn’t move any further. “Quit pulling away, I’m hugging you. You’re going to sit there and you’re going to let me.” She pulled me into a big bear hug and squeezed me so tight I thought I might suffocate. I held onto my anger and annoyance as long as I could, and then I gave up. I sobbed uncontrollably, full on ugly crying, while I told Stacy everything. Every detail of every moment since I’d met Ian.
“Finally,” she said as she finally removed her tight hold on me. “Do you know how hard it’s been for me to not bug the shit out of you the last two months? I knew something was going on with Ian. I didn’t know what, but I thought he was getting through to you so I didn’t push it. I didn’t want to make waves when progress was being made. I’m glad to know I was right for once.”
“What do you mean?”
“He did make progress. More than anyone else has ever made. More than your therapists, counselors, me or your parents. He did it, Addy.”
“Did what? What are you talking about?”
“He made you feel.”
“The only thing he’s made me feel is embarrassed and ashamed. I humiliated myself that night I threw myself at him, and I’m ashamed for all the pain I’ve been causing him. I know he’s confused and hurt from my shutting him out, but it’s how it has to be. He just has to accept that nothing will happen between us.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, bull. shit,” she enunciated each word slowly as she narrowed her eyes at me. “You feel a hell of a whole lot more than shame and embarrassment. You care about him Addy, you’re just trying to convince yourself you don’t. And you’re not doing a very good job either, because it’s very obvious how you feel.” I fought back the tears threatening, shaking my head and trying to find a way to argue with what she was saying.
I couldn’t though. She was right. I did care about Ian. I cared about him so much that it was terrifying. More terrifying than anything I had ever experienced in life, and that’s what made it so much worse. That’s what solidified for me that I couldn’t do anything about it, couldn’t act on my feelings. I wasn’t selfish enough to do that to Ian.
“I do care, Stacy. I’m done trying to convince myself that I don’t. But I’m scared. Not just scared, terrified. Not just of getting hurt, but of hurting him. He is just amazing, Stacy. So much more than I deserve.” She started to argue and I held my finger up to her mouth to stop her. “I’m not saying I don’t deserve happiness or love or whatever…but I don’t deserve him. It’s not me feeling sorry for myself, it’s just the truth. Maybe if I wasn’t still such a mess, I don’t know, maybe I could be what he deserves. But I can’t, Stacy. I’m just being realistic. He thinks he cares about me but he doesn’t know me, not really.”
“Then tell him. Let him know you, Addy. You do deserve him. You deserve love and happiness as much as anyone else and Ian is a good guy. It’s obvious he cares about you too.”
“That’s exactly why I can’t tell him. He does care and he isn’t just a good guy, he’s great. There’s a good chance that once he knows everything, he would feel too guilty to let me go out of obligation to help me or a feeble attempt to try and fix me. I don’t want pity in a relationship. I don’t want to be a project. I can’t be in any kind of real relationship until I’m whole again so that I can fully give myself to someone.”
“That’s just your bullshit therapy crap talking. You’re not broken, Addy. You’re not a mess. You don’t need fixed. Everyone has pain, okay? Everyone has things in life that they need to overcome, pasts and secrets and pain that we carry around. Yeah, yours is shittier than most, but that doesn’t make you any less deserving than anyone else. A relationship means having someone to help carry your burdens, ease your pain. Needing someone doesn’t make you weak, Adalyn.”