by Jenn Hype
Ignoring that jab and the glare she was giving me, I gently pulled on her elbow, pleading with my eyes. “Please, Adalyn, can we talk? I didn’t sleep all night and I panicked when you weren’t at work this morning. I’ve been all over the city looking for you. I just need a few minutes to explain.”
“You had plenty of time to explain last night, Ian but you didn’t say anything. And I can’t just walk out of here, I literally just started. I don’t think they would appreciate me taking a break an hour into my shift.”
“I know, I’m sorry, just please. Give me five minutes.”
She sighed but took my arm, leading me through the back of the coffee shop and out the back door, out into an alley behind the building. The rain had turned into a downpour and even under the awning, we were getting wet.
“Hurry up, Ian, I have to get back,” she said, crossing her arms. The impatient and tense stance of her body caused my confidence to falter slightly, but now was no time to back down.
“Adalyn, listen. I know we haven’t known each other all that long. It doesn’t take a genius to see that there is more going on with you than you let on. If you would just tell me...just open up to me...trust me...I wouldn’t blur the lines. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just wanted to help you.”
“That’s the problem, Ian. You treat me like a charity case. Like I’m in need of saving, but I’m not. Yeah, things may get worse before they get better but I can take care of myself. I never asked for or wanted special treatment. Do you know how humiliated I am? Even if I was willing to look past all of this, I can’t step foot in that place ever again.”
“Adalyn, please, I’m sorry Carrie was a bitch. She should never have talked to you like that. It will never happen again. Maybe you’re right, maybe I was trying to save you. But it wasn’t because I thought you were helpless or because I wanted to control you, I just wanted...I don’t know... I wanted to make a difference in your life. I wanted you to look at me and be happy. You hated me so much at first. Nothing I was saying or doing was helping. I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted to matter to you.”
“Why, Ian? Why!” She was yelling now. I could feel the old Ian seeping back in and I wanted to cower as she approached me, but I couldn’t. This was too important. She was too important. Now was the time to be a man.
“You don’t know me. I haven’t even been nice to you. Yeah, we’ve shared a few good times, but for the most part I’ve been horrible. I’m no better than your ex, so why would you want anything to do with me? Do you just like being treated horribly? I don’t like who I am around you. I turn into this horrible, bitchy person because of how you make me feel, and I can’t do it any more. I don’t want to do it any more,” she said, dropping her arms to her sides and letting out a long breath, her shoulders drooping as if a weight had been lifted all of a sudden.
“What do you feel, Adalyn? What do I make you feel?” She turned her back to me and walked right out into the rain. “Where are you going?” I yelled, chasing after her.
“I’m leaving. I’m walking away from another job because of you. Because I can’t possibly go back in there right now looking like this. I just need to go home.”
“Let me drive you,” I pleaded, grabbing her elbow, urging her to turn and face me.
Tears were streaming down her face, mixing with the rain. Her hair was flat against her cheeks, her clothes completely soaked through. She looked broken and defeated. I had made her feel that way. Knowing her pain was my fault felt like a sucker punch to my gut. Reaching up in a gesture of wiping her tears off of her face, despite the rain having already done so, she leaned into my hand.
As if realizing what she had just done, she pulled her face away from my hand and stepped back. “I can’t do this, Ian. I’m no good for you. You deserve better than me. I’m too messed up, I’m too far gone.” I tried to reach for her but she took another step back. “No, Ian, don’t. I don’t need you to fix me. I’ve accepted who I am and I’m okay with it, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with dragging you into my mess. I care...I just...it wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Closing the gap between us in one swift move, I grabbed her hands before she could move away from me again. Gently lifting her chin with my hand, I looked her in the eyes and tried to show her everything I was feeling. Desperate for her to see me, to see that I truly meant everything I was saying.
“You aren’t too far gone, Adalyn. You’re right here. I’m here. Letting someone help you isn’t the same as being weak. Leaning on someone for strength doesn’t make you helpless. I don’t want to control you, I don’t want to fix you. I just want to be a part of you, any way you’ll let me. I want to be there when you need to cry, or yell or laugh. I don’t want to make you do anything, I just want to be there to experience it with you. Just let me be a part of your life, Adalyn. Please.”
For a split second her face completely relaxed and her body sagged into mine, but a look of sadness overtook whatever emotion she was fighting off and she started to pull away again.
“Ian, you are amazing. I would be incredibly lucky to have you in my life, but I care about you too much to let you in. I can’t let you in. You deserve someone uncomplicated, who will treat you how you deserve. I don’t want to be another regret in your life.”
“You aren’t her, Adalyn. You pushing me away out of fear of getting hurt isn’t the same as being mean just for the sake of hurting me. You are nothing like her, so don’t for a second think I would ever compare you to her. I never felt for her what I feel for you, not even for a minute. I was trapped and weak, but I’m not that person any more. I don’t feel an obligation to you, Adalyn, I just want you. Let me in,” I begged, looking her square in the eyes. “Let me love you.”
The shock of what I’d just said resonated throughout her whole body. Her knees gave out and she started to collapse. She was shivering and we were still standing in the rain. Grabbing her waist, I lifted her up and took her hand, wrapping it around my waist. We started toward my car, neither of us speaking. I knew she was processing. I hadn’t meant to say it, but I didn’t regret it either. I would have said it much sooner if I knew it wouldn’t scare her away. But I wasn’t going anywhere anymore. She could run, she could push me away, but she would never get rid of me. It was time for her to accept that and to realize that she could count on me.
I opened the door and started to help her into the passenger seat of my car. She seemed almost catatonic. I was desperate for her to say something, anything, give me some kind of idea what was going on in her head. I didn’t expect her to say it back, we still had a lot to work through and I imagined it would be a while before she would trust me enough to allow herself to return my feelings. But the thought of her feeling nothing, of her not wanting me and not wanting to even try...I couldn’t bear it. It would tear me apart, but no matter what she said, I was staying. If all I could be in her life was a friend then I would take it.
She removed her arm from around my waist and started to get in, but froze when she leaned down. “Adalyn,” I whispered, reaching my hand out to see if she needed help. She grabbed my hand and whipped herself around to face me, and before I could ask what she was doing, her mouth was on mine. It was a hungry, desperate kiss. I could feel her pouring every fear, every hesitation into the kiss, and I happily took all those emotions from her. I wanted to bear their burden as my own. I wanted to take some of the weight off of her, help her carry around whatever pain it was she was harboring.
Our hands were everywhere, exploring every inch of each other over our soaking wet clothes. We were undoubtedly making a spectacle of ourselves out on the sidewalk, groping each other like teenagers, but I couldn’t have cared less. Adalyn was finally in my arms and I wasn’t going to let anything ruin this moment. If it was the only one she ever gave me, then I need to make the most of every second she was mine.
Adalyn pulled away and I groaned in response, the loss of contact pulling me out of our kiss induced haze.
> “Let’s go,” she whispered, leaning into my ear.
She wasn’t running. At least not from me, but with me. She wasn’t shutting down or lashing out, instead, she was looking at me with what I wanted so badly to believe was love in her eyes. Not wanting to waste another minute, worried she would shut down again any second, I hurried her into the car and ran around to the driver’s side. I only lived fifteen minutes away, but after running every stop light and breaking every traffic law known to man, I made a new record and we made it to my place in eight minutes.
She had been holding my hand the entire way home, softly rubbing circles on my palm with her thumb. I hesitated, almost afraid to look at her, fearing she would have changed her mind already. She didn’t look angry or closed off, though, she looked...scared. That twinkle from a few minutes ago when we kissed was still there, but she was chewing her bottom lip and having trouble making eye contact.
“We need to talk, Ian.”
Chapter 28
Adalyn
I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. I had told plenty of people what Ian thinks is my ‘secret,’ but never to someone whose opinion mattered. I’d had my heart closed off for so long that the thought of opening it up and allowing someone to hurt me was more than terrifying. The last time I had made the decision to tell Ian I had ended up walking away with my heart in pieces. I knew it was different this time, though, and I needed to face whatever was going to happen next.
He said he loved me, but that could change. What I was about to tell him could change things forever, but he deserved the truth. He deserved to know who it was he thought he was in love with so he could figure out if that’s truly how he felt.
And I deserved it. I deserved love, and the only way I’d be able to believe him is if he knew everything. So taking a deep breath, I shifted in the passenger seat to face Ian. Eye contact was required for this conversation. I needed him to see in my eyes that I was not weak.
“Before I tell you this, my ‘secret,’ I need you to promise me that you will tell me the truth afterward. You said you love me, but you can’t love me.” I held up my hand to keep him from speaking. I needed to just get this out. “I’m not saying ever, but you can’t truly love someone if you don’t really know who they are. I need you to know, though, I am not broken. I don’t need to be fixed. If you don’t feel the same way after this, you have my word that I will not hold it against you. No one would understand better than me. So you have to promise to be honest with me.”
Pausing to wait for his answer, he pressed his lips into a flat line, his jaw clenched and he nodded.
“I was raped in college.” He immediately tensed up and his chest started heaving. I placed my hand on his to calm him down, giving him a minute to slow his heart rate. I needed him to really hear everything that came next.
“I have no delusions as to what kind of damage that has caused in me. I have issues from it, I’m still working them out, but let me tell you again. I. Am. Not. Broken. What happened to me was horrible and I’d give anything to go back and be able to prevent it from happening, but I can’t change the past, so I’ve found ways to cope moving forward.”
Looking away for a brief second, I tried to gain my composure, but when I turned back to face him the look on his face had changed.
“Stop it,” I said, pointing my finger in his face. “That look, right there, stop that. It’s instinct, human nature, and I get that look every time I tell my story. It’s pity and sadness. I don’t need you to mourn for me, Ian. I don’t need someone to feel sorry for me. I can handle that look from strangers, but not from you.” He started to speak up again, but I interrupted him. “You don’t have to defend yourself. I’m not saying that’s how you feel. I’ve made enough assumptions and snap judgments about you already, I’m not going to keep doing that. But I need to make sure you really understand what I’m telling you, and the only way to do that is to show you.”
“Show me?”
“I’m going to take you to the place I go to every Friday afternoon. We can finish this discussion after that. There’s more, Ian. If you really want to know me, then you have to really know me. All of me. You can’t pick and choose which parts - you take the good with the bad.”
“Where to?” he asked, turning the engine and backing out of the driveway.
Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to an old building on the outskirts of downtown. From the outside it looked run down, but it had become a second home to me. Neither of us had said a word on the way here, though I could see Ian fighting the urge to say something by biting his cheek. The rain had stopped and the sun had come out. It was actually turning into a beautiful day.
“What is this place?”
“You’ll see,” I said, putting my hand in Ian’s and pulling him in behind me.
“Addy!” Three girls ran up and bear hugged me, giant grins on their faces.
“Hey, sweeties! How you doing today?”
“We’re okay,” the youngest one, Sara, spoke up. She was only 10 years old. “Lora is having a rough day though. We’ve done everything we can to cheer her up but nothing is working.”
Giving Sara a quick squeeze, I told Ian I would be right back and walked over to Lora. I spent a few minutes talking to her, but she was in no mood to talk. Heading back over to Ian, I found him leaning against a wall, staring at me intently.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Just wondering what we’re doing here. You ever going to tell me what this place is?”
“It’s a rape crisis center. I volunteer here on the weekends, on Fridays is when I have my counseling sessions. I both give and receive counseling.”
Just then the director, Marti, walked over and hugged me. “Are you going to introduce me to your handsome friend, Addy?” she asked with a wink in Ian’s direction. He actually blushed! Where is a camera when you need one.
“Marti, this is Ian, a friend of mine. Ian, this is Marty. She is the director here and the person who so kindly welcomed me and took a chance on a stranger.”
“Oh, hush Adalyn. We are blessed to have you. After the work you did back at UV, we would have been fools to pass up an opportunity to have you here helping us.” Turning to look at Ian, she continued to embarrass me. “Adalyn is beloved by all the girls. She has already impacted so many of their lives. Some of these girls have been coming here for years and no one has been able to make an impact, but Addy here has a unique way of getting through to them. I’ve never seen anything like it. She is quite amazing.”
“That she is,” Ian said, turning to look at me affectionately. It was my turn to blush then.
“Well, Marti, we just wanted to stop in and say hello. We won’t take up any more of your time. I’ll see you on Friday.”
“It was lovely to meet you, Marti,” Ian said, taking her hand and placing a chaste kiss on the top. Now Marty was blushing, but she quickly turned to me and gave me a hug, seeing us off as we left.
“Want to take a walk?”
“Only if you’ll hold my hand. I just...I just need…” I ended his torture by slipping my hand in his.
“I’d love nothing more.”
We walked in silence for a couple blocks until we reached a small park. Making our way over to a bench that overlooked a small pond, still holding hands, I was feeling braver by the second. He hadn’t ran yet. He wasn’t avoiding me. Most men had a tendency to go one of two ways when they found out something like this about a woman.
There were the men who suddenly treated you as if you would break. Like now that they knew the truth all of a sudden you were made of porcelain and even being near you would cause you to shatter into a million pieces.
Then there were the men who looked at you with disgust. Honestly, in my experience it was a visceral reaction, it almost couldn’t be helped. Some men didn’t like to share, and the thought of their woman having been violated made her suddenly repulsive in their eyes. Didn’t make it okay to feel that way, but the m
ajority of people just didn’t know how to react.
None of this had ever happened to me, I’d just watched it happen to other girls at the shelters, the one back home and the one here. I’d never allowed myself to care enough about a man for that conversation to be necessary.
“So do you think you’re ready?” I asked Ian, bending at the waist to catch his eye as he looked at the ground. He sat back against the bench and squeezed my hand tighter, a sign for me to go ahead.
“It happened my freshman year. Before I tell you what happened, I want you to know that I was broken for a while. I went through phases. First, I didn’t want anyone to touch me. Not even my parents. I was practically agoraphobic. The only person I would even let near me was Stacy, because she never tried to talk. We would just sit in complete silence, next to each other on my bed, for hours at a time. I’ll never be able to repay her for that, her giving up so much of her time to just sit with me.”
“There was a trial. Having to prepare for that brought me out of my shell. I was angry. So angry. I wanted them to pay. I went to counseling, worked with the lawyers, and when the time came I was ready. I wasn’t scared anymore, I wasn’t hiding. I refused to let them win any longer.”
What came next was the hardest part for me. Even harder than describing the rape itself.
“After the trial is when I really went off the deep end. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. They were all found not guilty, my rapists just set free into the world, as if what happened to me didn’t even matter. Not even a slap on the wrist. I never found out how they managed that. We had plenty of evidence, even eye witnesses. I heard sometime later that someone had paid off the judge, but who knows if that’s true.”
“Anyway, I was desperate to get some control back in my life. Nothing made me feel more helpless than when that verdict came back. It was worse than being raped. People who were supposed to protect me were letting my rapists go. I was so angry. I just snapped. I can’t even tell you how many guys I slept with. I wish I could tell you I was drunk or high and that something was causing me to not think rationally, but I was always sober. I won’t tell you the things I did during that time. I mean, I would if you really wanted to know them, but I don’t think you would.”