The Christmas Singing

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Refusing to walk in fear, he whispered prayers of trust. Minutes ticked by, and Gideon began singing praises to God. Soon the aches stopped looming like a huge monster. Peace settled over him, and he was able to concentrate on the work at hand.

  The cabinets and countertops were in place, and yesterday the heating guy had put in the wood furnace in the basement. The plumber would be here tomorrow to add the faucets and commodes and hook up the water. Gideon still had a pretty long to-do list, but he’d accomplished a lot in the last couple of days.

  After leaving the cemetery with Sabrina, he’d squashed the desire for a little time with Mattie and had dived into work … as he’d always done when he had the strength. But working like crazy wasn’t enough this time. He wanted to be with her today more than he wanted a promise of life tomorrow.

  Conversations filtered into the master bedroom. It sounded as if three or four people had entered the front door.

  “Oh, just look at this place!” Beth exclaimed. “Gideon?”

  He walked down the hallway to the kitchen.

  Jonah peeled out of his coat. “We have heat.”

  Beth, Jonah, Lizzy, Omar, and Mattie Lane were taking off their jackets. Mattie set a large paper bag with handles on the counter. Beth turned toward him. “How have you gotten so much done since I was here yesterday?”

  “He’s barely slept,” Jonah offered.

  Without looking at Gideon, Mattie reached into the bag she’d brought.

  “Seems like his loss is your gain.” Omar winked at Beth.

  At times like these, Gideon was glad Bishop Omar didn’t know his secret. But living a lie was exhausting.

  “Kumm.” Beth motioned for him. “Mattie made samples of wedding cakes, and I wanted to taste them in our new home. You have to try these and help us decide.”

  “Maybe he has other plans.” Mattie shot him a quick look. “Ones that don’t include hanging out with Plain old us.”

  He looked at the others to see if they had caught her barbed meaning, but they seemed too interested in the cakes. Clearly she was disappointed in him for leaving with an Englischer girl the other day. She probably wished he’d leave again, but his stubborn side refused to give her what she wanted.

  Mattie pulled a small spiral notebook out of the bag, and her eyes grew large. She looked straight at him, as she had so many times in the past. At this moment she seemed void of anger, and it moved him.

  “Missing something?” he asked.

  “I didn’t think to bring plates.”

  “I’ll go get some from my place,” Lizzy said. She and Omar put on their coats and hurried out the door.

  Mattie set the notebook on the counter, pulled out a cake carrier, and looked into the bag again. Lines creased her face. “I didn’t bring napkins either.”

  “The store has rolls of paper towels.” Beth grabbed her coat. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Thanks.” Mattie turned to Gideon. “Can we start a fire in the hearth? You know, for a more special atmosphere.”

  “Sure. It’s got a gas starter.” Gideon went to the woodbin.

  “Oh, no. Beth, wait.”

  Gideon turned to see Mattie hurrying to the door, trying to catch Beth, but she was halfway across the parking lot.

  “What else did you forget?” Jonah asked.

  “Forks to eat with and a knife to cut the cakes.”

  Jonah went to the door and then paused. “Anything else?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ve never done one of these outside my shop, and I had all this stuff there.”

  Moving logs to the fireplace, Gideon chuckled. “This is why I call her Mattie Lane. A day with her is a journey all by itself—a trip down a one-of-a-kind country road.”

  She gave Jonah an apologetic shrug. “I guess I am Mattie Lane after all.”

  Jonah laughed. “I’ll be right back.”

  The house became quiet again. Gideon turned on the gas and lit a flame under the logs. He dusted off his hands and stood. “Did you remember the cakes?”

  “Of course.” She held up a cake carrier and frowned. “Wait. I … I only have one. What’d I do with the other three?” She looked into the paper bag. “I know I loaded four cake carriers in Mamm’s kitchen. How could I not have them?”

  “Because when you’re on Mattie Lane, magical things happen.”

  She pursed her lips. “I don’t like that lane, and clearly you don’t either. I don’t want to pull everyone else along that path with me.”

  He wanted to tell her that he’d always loved being a part of her world. But if he did, he’d have to explain why he’d broken up with her. “Maybe they’re in the rig.”

  Her eyes lit up. “Ya, maybe.” She put on her coat, then looked at him with concern. “What if I put the cake carriers on the carriage’s sideboard when I left Mamm’s? They’ll be scattered all over the road.”

  “One step at a time, Mattie Lane. Kumm.” He opened the door for her, and they went to the hitching post. The air smelled of snow, and a car parked at Hertzlers’ Dry Goods had a pine tree strapped to its roof, reminding him that Christmas was less than a month away. The weeks leading up to Christmas always went by so quickly, as if a week equaled one day instead of seven. He wished that by some Christmas miracle time would slow and these days with Mattie nearby would last forever.

  They went to the passenger side, and he opened the door of the rig. “Oh, good.” A beautiful grin removed all the stress from her face.

  She grabbed two cake carriers and passed them to him and then took out the last one and slammed the door to the rig. “I drive myself crazy sometimes.” She studied him. “Did my forgetfulness drive a wedge between us and I was too scattered to know it? You can tell me the truth.”

  He couldn’t move. At the time he’d been so sure of himself, confident of his decision to lie in order to free her. Now a glimpse of insight into what he’d done to her chipped away at his certainty. “No, Mattie. I promise.”

  Her blue eyes stayed glued to him, and his heart pounded.

  “Gut.” She nodded and walked back to the house.

  He followed, wondering if he should tell her the truth. She needed to be set free from thinking he hadn’t cared for her, but how could he do that without revealing his deception? He always figured she’d understand one day. But her question of self-doubt haunted him.

  Beth and Jonah returned, goods in hand. “Look.” She held up a handmade Christmas card. “We’ve received our first card of the season. It’s addressed to Jonah and me.” She put it on the fireplace mantel before turning to Jonah, satisfaction and joy radiating from her.

  Lizzy and Omar walked in, each carrying a small box of items. “Plates.” Lizzy held them up. “We also brought mugs, coffee, and the fixings.”

  “Great.” Mattie opened the carriers and doled out a slice of cake to everyone in the group. “This first sample is praline-and-apricot yellow cake with Bavarian cream filling.” She handed a paper towel to each person.

  “Oh, I love apricot yellow cake,” Lizzy said.

  The moans and aahs over how good it was made Mattie Lane smile.

  “Isn’t it delicious, Gideon?” Beth asked.

  “Ya.” He hated that his tone sounded flat, but no part of him cared about cake right now. He stood mesmerized and bewildered at all he felt for the one who’d made it.

  “Denki.” A slight smile graced her face. She put another type of cake on Beth’s plate and then Lizzy’s. “Next is strawberries-and-cream vanilla cake layered with vanilla pastry cream and chocolate ganache.”

  Beth dug her fork into it. “Oh, that is too good.” She scooped up another bite and held it in front of Jonah.

  He opened his mouth, and she gently fed it to him. “Incredible.”

  The happy couples gathered at the far end of the counter, talking about the different cakes and flipping through magazine cutouts in the spiral notebook. A few minutes later Mattie dished up the third type of cake, explained what i
t was, then added the fourth type, describing it also.

  Beth, Jonah, Lizzy, and Omar moved into the living room, discussing the textures, colors, and flavors. Was this his opportunity to talk to Mattie alone for a few minutes?

  “Your baking skills are even more impressive than I expected.” Gideon hoped to relax her with some friendly conversation.

  “Denki. Give a girl nothing but time to work on cakes, and it’s amazing what she can accomplish.”

  Her response quickly stopped his effort at small talk.

  Omar returned, holding up his plate. “Lizzy and I know which one we want.”

  Mattie wiped her hands on her apron and opened her notebook. “Which one?”

  “The apricot-and-praline yellow cake with the Bavarian cream.”

  “Perfect.” Mattie jotted down notes.

  “We know too.” Beth came in, licking her fork. “The strawberries-and-cream vanilla cake with the vanilla pastry-cream filling and the chocolate stuff.”

  “Ganache,” Mattie said. “I thought you’d like that one.”

  Jonah pointed at his plate with his fork. “But that orange coconut cake with the buttercream icing is almost as delicious.”

  Mattie added notes about Jonah’s second choice. “Got it. Denki.”

  “Look.” Beth set down her empty plate as she gazed out the window. “It’s snowing.” She grabbed Jonah’s and her coats. “Jonah, remember the year it snowed on Christmas Eve, stranding me at a motel, and you rescued me?”

  Jonah grinned while putting on his coat. “Nope.”

  Beth laughed. “You do too.” She took him by the hand. “Kumm.” The back door slammed shut as they went outside.

  Lizzy laughed. “Omar, do you mind if we join them?”

  He held her coat while she slid her arms into it. “Of course not.”

  Lizzy turned to them. “Mattie, Gideon?”

  “No, but denki.” Mattie wiped her hands on her white apron again, watching Beth try to catch snowflakes in her hands. “I need to clean up.”

  Gideon shifted. “I think I’ll get a bit more work done too.”

  Lizzy and Omar went out the back door.

  Mattie focused on him, her light blue eyes reminding him of all they’d once shared.

  Maybe he needed to address the Sabrina issue and put to rest her insecurity about why he broke up with her.

  Gideon reached for his tool belt on the counter, then hesitated. “I think you need to know a few pieces of information I left out when we broke up.” Even as he said that, he wondered just how much to tell her.

  Mattie placed the leftover cake on a clean plate. “Seems to me it’s long past time for you to clarify anything. But if you need some type of resolution, go ahead.” Now that she’d concluded her cake-tasting event, her tone reflected what she really felt—like moving a pan from a cold back burner to a heated front one.

  She handed him the roll of paper towels. Then she took the empty cake containers down the hall and stepped into the wash house.

  He followed her, leaving the door open behind them. The almost-finished room had two mud sinks, a wringer washer, and a couple of stools.

  Now that they were alone, all the reasons he’d broken up with her echoed in his mind. He silently prayed, hoping the right words would come to him.

  Mattie Lane dumped the cake carriers into one of the sinks. “We actually get along pretty well when I manage to forget about your dating habits, although they are a little hard to block out when I’m face-to-face with the newest habit.”

  He stared at the paper towels in his hand. “That was Ashley’s sister. Sabrina.”

  She wheeled around. “Gideon, how could you?”

  “It’s not like that, Mattie Lane. For one thing, I joined the faith two years ago and wouldn’t go against our ways by dating outside the faith. Have you never asked anyone what I’m doing these days?”

  “No,” she snapped. “And the other thing?”

  “Ashley died, and—”

  She gasped. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

  “Leukemia.”

  Mattie’s brow wrinkled. “How awful. I’m truly sorry.”

  “She had it when we met.”

  She peered at him, and he could see the light of understanding creep into her eyes. “Are you saying that you began to care for her … when she was sick?”

  He shifted the paper towels into his other hand. “She was scared and needed a friend.”

  “So you ditched me?” Her eyes flashed. “You tossed me out like an old shoe?” She yanked a paper towel off the roll with such vengeance he nearly dropped it.

  He knew when he’d used her jealous nature against her that she’d probably walk off and never look back. But now he needed her to understand he hadn’t tossed her aside because he preferred someone else.

  He rubbed the back of his neck. He should tell her he never thought of Ashley as more than a friend. But then what would he give as the reason he broke up with her? “The truth is—”

  “Wait.” She held up a hand. “Just because I happen to have crossed your path again, don’t feel you need to make up a different story about what took place.”

  “I’m not doing that.”

  She wiped the cake carriers with a wad of towels, doing the best she could to clean without water. “The problem with liars and cheats is that they lose all credibility.”

  This was not going at all the way he’d hoped. Instead of his assuring her the breakup wasn’t her fault, he was simply reopening old wounds.

  Mattie finished scrubbing the cake carriers and set them in the sink. “I’m really sorry about Ashley,” she said, her tone less harsh. “But at this point, I’m not sure you’re even capable of telling me the truth.”

  “I am, Mattie Lane. With all my heart.”

  She tossed the frosting-covered paper towels into the second mud sink and looked up at him. “It’s ridiculous, but I still want to believe you when you tell me something. But I can’t. I just can’t.”

  He avoided her steady gaze. “It won’t do any good for me to try to explain if you’re not going to believe me.”

  “I do believe you about Ashley.” Her tone was typical Mattie Lane—a bit high-strung, yet tender-hearted and resolute. “And when I saw Sabrina, I noticed that she looked a lot like Ashley, so I believe you about her too.”

  That was a start. Gideon took a deep breath, wishing he could reveal the secret he’d been harboring. “I need you to know that our breakup had nothing to do with your not being good enough or perfect enough.”

  She scoffed. “Nearly three years after the fact, you’re going to give me the line ‘It wasn’t you; it was me’? You must think I’m vulnerable and frail because my shop burned down.”

  “Don’t be sarcastic. It doesn’t suit you.”

  “Ya? Well, what does suit me, Gideon? Because whatever it is, you suddenly seem to think it’s your place to find out and fix it.”

  A van pulled up in front of Hertzlers’ store, and a man got out. The lines of frustration faded from Mattie Lane’s face. “Sol’s here.”

  Once again, Mattie’s beau showed up at an awkward time. “Were you expecting him?”

  “He’s supposed to be hunting.” She pursed her lips together, suppressing a smile as she gazed out the picture window. “But whatever he’s doing, I trust him in ways I thought I’d never trust again.” She turned to Gideon. “Was there something else you wanted to tell me?”

  He shook his head. “I suppose not.”

  She tucked a few stray strands of hair into her prayer Kapp and hurried out of the room.

  Mattie still thought he’d fallen for Ashley and broken up with her because of it. The only thing this conversation had accomplished was that she knew he wasn’t dating Sabrina.

  He watched through the window as she slid into her coat while hurrying across the yard. Sol grinned and embraced her. Gideon’s knees threatened to go weak on him, but he refused them that right.

  Jonah
tapped on the open door. “I saw Mattie out there. I suppose that’s Sol.”

  “Ya.”

  “You doing okay?”

  Gideon collapsed onto the stool in the corner of the wash house. “I wanted to tell her the truth.”

  Jonah closed the door. “What truth?”

  Gideon rubbed clammy hands down his trousers. Even though he hadn’t known Jonah much more than a year, he considered him a trustworthy friend. And it’d feel good to share his secret with someone. “Three years ago, in the fall, I started feeling strange. I was tired all the time, had night sweats, couldn’t get rid of a cold, and spiked a high fever regularly for no apparent reason.”

  “Serious stuff.”

  “Ya. The first time I mentioned my symptoms to Mattie, she was alarmed, practically beside herself with concern, so I downplayed how I felt. Her mother has had health issues all of Mattie’s life, and when she almost died about six years ago, Mattie struggled. She barely slept, and when she did, she had nightmares.”

  “Beth told me about that.”

  He scratched his brow, remembering how dark and confusing life was when he couldn’t share his concerns with the one person he needed most. “After going in circles with doctors who couldn’t figure out what was wrong, I went to a new doctor. He diagnosed me to be in the chronic phase of a rare form of leukemia.” His throat closed up.

  Jonah shifted his cane from one hand to the other. “I … I didn’t know.”

  “No one does, except my family, and I swore them to secrecy.” He cleared his throat. “I told people I had out-of-town jobs, and I went to a cancer center in Philadelphia for treatment. That’s where I met Ashley … Sabrina’s sister. She’d had leukemia for years and was a volunteer at the clinic. We became friends. She believed we’d both get well, and I was almost convinced. But rather than me getting better, the cancer jumped to the worst possible stage—the blast phase.”

  “But you didn’t tell Mattie what was going on?”

  “I hated the idea of telling her. Still, I decided to tell her after the holidays. But on Christmas Day, Ashley came to my house, needing to talk. She’d received new test results, and her prognosis was grim. She’d been positive of a cure, regardless of the nightmare roller coaster she’d been on for so long. While I was consoling Ashley, Mattie walked in. She saw us hugging and wanted answers.”