First Time in Forever

by Sarah Morgan

  *

  TOMORROW CAME AND Lizzy was worse. She was restless and fractious all morning, and by the time Emily dropped Skylar at the airport at lunchtime her temperature was high.

  Skylar stared up at the sky. “Storm blowing in. I wish I could stay, but I have a meeting with the gallery. They’ve sold some of my pieces and need more, and I really have to do some work on my collection for the exhibition in December.”

  “Of course you can’t stay. We’ll be fine. It’s just a cold, I’m sure.” She ignored the uneasy twinge in her stomach that told her it was something more.

  She was a worrier, so she had to counteract that by forcing herself to be rational.

  All the same she was up all night, checking Lizzy and keeping her cool. By morning, Lizzy was worse, not better. It was when Emily was changing her soaked T-shirt for the second time that she noticed the rash.

  Icy calm, shaking, she bundled her into the car along with Andrew and drove her to the medical clinic, telling herself that it was probably just a virus, that kids got sick all the time and then got better again. Taking no chances, she called ahead to warn the clinic that she was coming.

  She badly wanted to call Ryan, but she knew he’d spent his formative years dealing with this sort of thing and now avoided it. And anyway, today was the day he was taking Agnes to see the retirement home. He already had enough demands on his time.

  The threatened storm had been building for days, and huge angry clouds hovered above them. Out in the bay the sea bounced and foamed with anger. By the time Emily reached the medical clinic, fat raindrops were pelting the car.

  The nurse practitioner was busy, but one of the physicians who covered the clinic on a periodic basis was available.

  Emily almost stumbled as she gave Lizzy’s full name, reluctant to disclose her identity even to a medical professional bound to keep such details confidential.

  If the doctor was surprised to find the daughter of Lana Fox on a remote island in Maine, she kept the thought to herself.

  It took her less than five minutes to decide Lizzy should be transferred to the hospital on the mainland.

  “My instinct is that it’s just a virus. Her throat is clear, her ears look fine, and normally I’d suggest waiting a few hours. But we have bad weather coming in, and I don’t want you trapped here with no access to a higher-level of medical care if she gets worse, especially as I can’t find an obvious source for the infection.”

  Emily felt her stomach lurch. The fact that the doctor was sufficiently concerned to suggest a transfer to the mainland snapped the leash on her anxiety.

  She wished she’d had the foresight to pack a bag.

  And she wished yet again that Ryan were here.

  While Lizzy lay, eyes closed, Emily pulled the doctor to one side. “I’m worried that it could be meningitis. Please, tell me I’m overreacting.”

  The doctor hesitated a few seconds longer than was reassuring. “That’s just one of the options on the list. There are many others. I think it’s unlikely, but she has a high temperature and a rash so I have to treat it as a possibility until we’ve ruled it out. I’m going to give her an injection. The hospital will be able to do more tests. Try not to worry.”

  Emily wondered why doctors said that when it was clearly asking the impossible. “What can I do?”

  “Stay here while I call them. You’ll be more comfortable here than in the waiting room, and you’re my last patient.”

  As the door closed behind her, Emily was engulfed by silence.

  Looking at Lizzy’s listless form, anxiety overwhelmed her. Her heart, protected for so long, was exposed and vulnerable.

  Desperate to hear Ryan’s voice, she pulled her phone out of her bag and was dialing his number when the doctor walked back into the room.

  The phone slipped back into her bag, forgotten.

  “I’ve spoken to the pediatric department on the mainland, and, given the weather forecast and the lack of facilities here on the island, they want you to come in. They’re expecting you.”

  Emily stood up, on legs that felt more like water than flesh and bone. “I’ll take the ferry.”

  “The last ferry left early because of the storm. There won’t be another crossing today.”

  “Can we fly out?”

  “Island Air has grounded all flights.” The doctor hesitated. “There is a private pilot willing to take you, but it’s your decision.”

  In Emily’s mind there was no decision to be made. “Where can I find him?”

  “Up at the airfield, but you need to hurry. The winds are increasing. Is there anything you need before you go? Anyone you want to call to be with you?”

  She thought about Ryan, taking Agnes to the home. She thought about Skylar, back in Manhattan and Brittany digging somewhere in Crete.

  She was on her own with this.

  Emily looked at the bear in Lizzy’s arms. “We have the essential items.”

  The doctor handed Emily a letter. “Give this to the doctors. My number is on there, so they can call me. The pilot’s name is Zachary Flynn.”

  Zach.

  The man who had broken Brittany’s heart.

  The man whose photo had been stuck on Brittany’s wall for those first few months of college, so that they could all draw on it.

  A million objections crowded her brain, and in among them was the fact that Zach was a man not known for being reliable.

  Why was he prepared to fly when no one else was?

  The doctor was still talking. “I’ll arrange for an ambulance to meet you when you land and transfer you to the hospital.”

  Despite her panic, Emily forced herself to drive carefully on the slick roads. The filthy weather had driven the tourists indoors, so she encountered very little traffic on her way to the airfield on the north of the island.

  Glancing in her rearview mirror, she checked on Lizzy who was lying with her eyes closed, her face flushed with fever.

  The wind buffeted her car, and rain almost obscured her view. What if even Zach decided it was too dangerous to fly? What if the weather transpired against them and trapped them here?

  Creating disaster in her head, she parked, grabbed her bag and scooped Lizzy out of her seat, knowing that every second she waited increased the risk that Zach would decide he didn’t need to risk his neck for a woman and a child that weren’t his responsibility.

  From what Brittany had told them, he wasn’t big on responsibility or social conscience.

  The plane sat on the runway, small and insignificant compared to the driving force of the weather.

  Emily glanced at the wild, foaming fury of the sea, so different now from the still calm that had allowed her to swim with Lizzy only days before. Struggling to walk against the wind, she realized how tired she was. After two nights with virtually no sleep, her legs threatened to give way.

  “I’ve got her.” She heard a deep, male voice through the relentless howl of the wind and felt strong arms lift Lizzy from her.

  Only when they were safely inside did she allow herself to look at the man she was entrusting with their lives, and decided that the photo Brittany had pinned to the wall all those years ago hadn’t done him justice. Years had passed, of course, but muscles and maturity had only improved Zachary Flynn.

  There was a daredevil gleam in his eyes that she would have expected to see in a man who had tempted her friend to throw away everything for love. There was also hardness, a toughness that suggested he knew more about life than most people ever would. Brittany had told them his childhood had been bad, but they’d all agreed that nothing excused the way he’d treated Brittany.

  And now here was Emily, needing him, relying on him.

  She felt like a traitor.

  “Strap in,” he ordered. “It’s going to be rough up there.”

  Reciting apologies to Brittany in her head, she did as he ordered. “But visibility is good?”

  “Yeah. That’s because we have a hell of a crosswin
d. Wind gives great visibility.”

  Digesting the news that the visibility was bad news, not good, Emily sank back in her seat. “But you’re confident? You think it’s safe to fly?”

  His gaze flickered to Lizzy. “I’ll get you there safely, but you’re going to be shaken up some.”

  She sensed from his low drawl that it was an understatement and took her eyes off Lizzy long enough to glare at him.

  “I just hope you’re a better pilot than you were a husband.” The words left her mouth before she could debate the wisdom of antagonizing the man responsible for their lives.

  He gave her a long, steady look and then turned back to the controls without comment.

  Emily breathed deeply, hoping this wasn’t going to turn out to be the worst decision of her life.

  She heard him talking over the radio, but she had no anxiety to spare for the pilot or the fate of the plane. Everything was focused on Lizzy who lay with her eyes still closed.

  She felt another lurch of fear.

  Was it going to happen again?

  Was she going to love, only to have the person she loved ripped away from her?

  She barely noticed the plane lifting off, gave no thought to the yawning expanse of the bay or the hungry bite of the wind, both ready to consume a small plane in a moment if the pilot made any mistakes.

  Zach made no mistakes.

  The flight was bumpy, but Emily was too occupied with Lizzy to dwell on the possibility of plummeting into the ocean. If she hadn’t been so worried, she would have thanked him for what she was sure was flawless and courageous flying. But there was no room for anything in her head but the panic.

  They landed smoothly, and from there it was a short transfer by ambulance to the medical center where the pediatric team was waiting.

  Lying in the room, surrounded by medical equipment, Lizzy opened her eyes. She looked ridiculously small and vulnerable. “Are you going to leave me here?”

  “No.” Emily was appalled she would even think it. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “My mom always left if I was sick. She didn’t want to catch anything. She said being ill made her ugly.”

  “I’m right here and I’m staying right here.” Emily felt an ache in her chest, and she took the little girl’s hand. “I won’t leave you.”

  “Where’s Ryan? I want Ryan.”

  The pitiful plea shot straight through Emily’s heart, and her only thought was me, too.

  “He can’t be here, sweetie.”

  It shocked her just how badly she wanted him to be.

  The doctor wrote something on a chart. “Is there someone you need us to call? If you give us this Ryan’s number we can contact him.”

  “No. He’s—” How to describe their relationship? “He’s just a friend.” A friend with other commitments. Other priorities. “There’s no one.”

  The doctor accepted that and then sat down to take a medical history.

  Emily realized how impossible this was. How had she ever thought Lizzy’s past could be kept a secret? “I don’t know much about her history,” she admitted. Left with no choice, she briefly told the doctor all she knew.

  “So you don’t know the identity of Juliet’s father?”

  “No. And I know nothing about her health as a child, although the lawyers did give me details on her vaccinations.”

  “Do you have those?”

  Emily pulled the papers out of her bag, telling herself that it was ridiculous to be concerned that they knew Lizzy’s identity. The medical team had to know. And everything here was confidential, wasn’t it?

  “We need to take blood, Miss Donovan. If you’d rather wait outside—”

  “I’m staying.” She didn’t even let him finish the suggestion. “You can work around me.” She kept hold of Lizzy’s hand, talking to her about the puffins, Ryan and the twins, anything to distract her while the medical team worked.

  The next few hours were a blur of tests, bright lights and beeping machines. Of needles, sterility and stress.

  Lizzy barely reacted, her eyes closed, the blotches on her skin vivid against the white background.

  The walls were covered in a mural, a farm scene, and Emily stared blankly at brightly colored fields until the white dollops of paint started to look more like clouds with legs than sheep.

  Her eyes were gritty and her head throbbed.

  Staff came and went. Emily desperately wanted reassurance, but no one had answers for her questions.

  At one point a nurse dimmed the lights, gave Emily a blanket and advised her to sleep, but she was too afraid to close her eyes, so she curled up in the chair, holding Lizzy’s hand in hers.

  Outside the wind howled and whipped the rain against the window, and she recited Green Eggs and Ham quietly, wondering how her life could have changed so much in less than a month.

  She thought about the night she’d arrived, and how much she’d wanted to return to the safe, predictable life she’d carefully constructed for herself. She’d struggled against it, but gradually her new life had peeled away the layers of protection she’d worn for so long.

  She’d believed that having Lizzy was the worst thing that could have happened to her, but it had turned out to be the best.

  Despite her attempts to stay awake, she must have dozed for a little while, and when she opened her eyes Lizzy was looking at her.

  “Why are you sleeping in a chair?”

  “I didn’t want to leave you.” Groggy, Emily shook off the fog of sleep and felt Lizzy’s chest. Her skin was cool to touch, and the rush of relief was so acute her eyes stung with tears. “How are you feeling?”

  “I had a bad dream.”

  “Oh, baby—” Emily scooped her into her arms and held her. “You’re safe. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

  “Why doesn’t Ryan come? I love Ryan.”

  Emily held her tightly. Cold spread across her skin and penetrated her heart, and she realized with a rush of alarm that she’d made a mistake letting Ryan become so closely entangled in their lives. She’d only thought about herself, not Lizzy. Their relationship was fun, but she knew that for him it ended there. He didn’t want the responsibility of anything more.

  “I know you like Ryan a lot.”

  “I don’t like him, I love him. And he loves me. He reads to me, and he takes me to see the puffins. He taught me knots. He’s going to teach me to sail this summer. He promised.”

  Guilt sucked her down like water in a whirlpool. How did you explain to a child of six that a man had other things to do with his time?

  She stroked the child’s hair, trying to calm her. “There are lots of people on the island who can teach you to sail. Rachel, for instance.”

  “I want Ryan to do it. I love Ryan and so do you.”

  “That’s not true.” How could the words of a child cause this sudden feeling of panic? “I like Ryan a lot, but I don’t love him.”

  “Yes, you do. He makes you smile. That day on the beach when you were sick, he took care of you. And he taught you to swim. You wanted him to do it and no one else.”

  “I—”

  “Rachel says it’s because you trust him. And that’s why you wanted him to take us in his boat.”

  “Trust, yes. But not love.” Emily’s mouth was dry. She told herself children said things they didn’t understand. “I don’t love him.”

  “Why doesn’t he come?”

  “Because he doesn’t know you’re in the hospital.”

  “He’d want to know.” She said it firmly, and Emily forced herself to breathe slowly.

  “It’s complicated, Lizzy. When you’re older, I’ll explain it to you.”

  “I already know why.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes. It’s because he’s scared of hospitals. He said so.”

  “That isn’t why. We’re his friends, Lizzy, but we’re not his family. He doesn’t love us in that way.”

  “Skylar says friends can be better th
an family. She says you, she and Brittany are like sisters.”

  “That’s true, we are, but—” How did you explain this to a child? “That isn’t the way it is with Ryan. He has other people in his life to think about. He’s taking his grandmother to look at somewhere new to live today. She’ll be able to tell us all about it when we see her next.”

  “I already know. She wants a house that isn’t so big.” Lizzy’s face crumpled. “I want Ryan. I want him to tell me the story about Abbie and the hens.”

  “As soon as we’re back home, I’ll ask him to come and tell you the story.” She stroked Lizzy’s hair and then looked up as a nurse came into the room. “She just woke up. She feels cooler.”

  The nurse checked the reading. “Her temperature is down. That’s a good sign.”

  Emily was willing to grab any piece of good news. “What happens now?”

  “We wait for these results, but she seems to have turned a corner.”

  Emily discovered she wasn’t good at waiting.

  While Lizzy slept and nurses walked in and out of the room checking her temperature and the rate of the IV, she sat there thinking about Ryan and everything Lizzy had said.

  It was true that she’d asked him to teach her to swim and take them out on the boat, but that was because he understood her situation.

  And the sex had been incredible, but it was still just sex, and she wasn’t going to make the mistake of thinking it meant more than it did.

  The door opened, and Emily glanced up, expecting it to be one of the doctors, but it was Ryan who stood in the doorway. His hair was sleek from the rain, his shirt clinging to his broad shoulders.

  Seeing him there brought a rush of pure emotion. Elation. Relief. And something far deeper and infinitely more terrifying. She could hear Lizzy’s words in her head.

  You love him. You love Ryan.

  Heart pounding, she managed to speak. “What are you doing here?”

  He strode into the room scattering droplets of rain. “You’re in the hospital. Where did you think I’d be? How sick is she?”

  “Ryan!” Disturbed by the noise, Lizzy opened her eyes and her face brightened. “You came.”