First Time in Forever

by Sarah Morgan

  “I didn’t do it for your gratitude.” His eyes darkened. “I missed you.”

  Her heart bumped against her chest. “Ryan—we can’t do this—”

  “I know that. You’re exhausted.”

  “I don’t mean now. I mean ever. Whatever there was between us, it has to stop.”

  There was a long, pulsing silence. “Because you don’t want a relationship?”

  It was a fair question. She hadn’t thought anyone would break through the layers of protection she’d woven around herself, but Ryan Cooper had managed it.

  “Because you don’t. And it isn’t fair to Lizzy.”

  Those dark brows met in a frown. “What’s between us has nothing to do with Lizzy.”

  “How can it have nothing to do with Lizzy? She’s part of my life, Ryan. She was asking for you just now. She wanted you to read to her.”

  “You should have called me. I would have been happy to read to her.”

  “This time.” Her mouth felt as if she’d swallowed sand. “She’s growing too attached to you. She asks for you all the time. Every other word is Ryan. In the hospital she was crying for you—”

  A muscle flickered in his cheek. “You should have called me—”

  “Why? You don’t want that level of attachment. She’s starting to expect things, and you don’t want anyone to expect things from you. You’ve told me that often enough.”

  “So you’re going to tell her I won’t read her a story? Is that fair?”

  The words goaded her temper. She thought back to the hospital, with Lizzy sick and missing him. “What’s not fair is you telling her you love her. Behaving as if she’s important in your life.”

  “She’s a sweet kid, and—”

  “Yes, she’s a sweet kid, but we both know you’re not interested in kids, Ryan, no matter how sweet they are. You’ve made that perfectly clear, and I respect that, but then you confuse everything by saying you love her!”

  “You’re overreacting. She was sick. She needed reassurance and I gave it. It’s as simple as that.”

  “It’s not simple. Thanks to you, it’s complicated! And she didn’t need lies! What happens when she’s well, Ryan? Have you thought about that?”

  “We’ll handle that when she’s well.”

  “I’ll be the one who has to handle it. I’ll be the one who will have to answer questions about where you are and why you don’t want to spend time with her. I’ll be the one who has to handle a child who feels miserable and let down, who has expectations that are never met.” Her voice rose. “We both know this relationship of ours is just for fun, but that isn’t how she sees it. What’s going to happen when you’ve had enough of teaching her knots and taking her to see the puffins? She’s a child. She doesn’t understand the complexity of adult relationships. Children need consistency. They need to know where they stand. Love can’t be given and then withdrawn. It doesn’t come and go like the tide. I appreciate you bringing us home. It was kind of you, but now it’s over.”

  But instead of walking away, Ryan strode across the room and took her face in his hands. “And what about us?” His eyes demanded all the answers she wasn’t voicing. “You’ve talked a lot about Lizzy, but what about us?”

  Dreams flitted into her head, and she pushed them brutally aside.

  “There is no us.” She fought the temptation to slide her arms around his neck and bring her mouth to his. “I love living here. I never thought I’d feel this way about living on a small island surrounded by water, but I do. I know we can’t stay in this cottage forever, but whatever we do, I don’t want to leave the island. I want us to stay. I want to build a life here. I don’t want things to feel awkward between us.” She stared up at him, rocked by the emotion in his eyes.

  “So, you’re ending this because of Lizzy. What about you?”

  What about her? Despite having protected herself fiercely, she’d managed to fall in love twice. First with Lizzy and then with him.

  Being with him had taught her she still had the ability to love deeply, but now she had to learn to switch it off again.

  “I won’t compromise Lizzy’s happiness for sex. Even clothes-ripping, mind-blowing, wild animal sex.”

  “That’s what it was to you?”

  “Of course.”

  For a moment she thought he was going to say something else, but then he stepped back, his face expressionless.

  “In that case there’s nothing more to say. Call me if you need anything. Puffin Island is a small community. We look out for each other.”

  Because she didn’t trust herself not to cave in and chase after him, she turned away, watching the last drips of sunlight bathe the garden, listening to his footsteps as he walked to the door.

  As it closed behind him, she flinched. And remembered exactly why she’d spent all those years making sure she didn’t love.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  “THERE’S NOT ENOUGH storage space.” Ryan slammed one door shut and dragged open another. “Murph Compton should be shot. He expects everyone to live in a damn rabbit warren, so that he can live in a mansion.”

  “You’re describing my future home,” his grandmother said mildly, “and the storage space is perfect for my needs, providing you don’t break the doors before I move in.”

  Ryan strode moodily across the small sunny kitchen and opened another door. What the hell had Emily meant when she’d said he’d confused Lizzy? “The contents of one of your kitchen cupboards would fill this whole place.”

  “I’ve been clearing out. It’s called downsizing.”

  “There’s no room for a toaster on that counter.”

  “I didn’t realize you had such an emotional connection with my toaster, but if its welfare is that important to you, then, please, consider it a gift.” Agnes sighed. “What’s wrong, Ryan?”

  “Nothing is wrong. I just can’t understand why you want to live here, that’s all.” He strode back through to the airy living room and tried to forget about the confrontation with Emily. The whole “cottage” would have fit into half the downstairs space at Harbor House. “Where are you going to store everything?”

  “I don’t intend to store anything. I intend to declutter my life. Does the thought of that make you angry?”

  He looked at her blankly. “What?”

  “You’re angry.”

  “No. Yes.” He thumped his fist against the wall. “She’s cut me out. She doesn’t want to see me again.”

  Agnes eyed the wall and then her grandson. “I assume we’re talking about Emily.”

  “She says it’s confusing for Lizzy. That she’s getting too attached.”

  “I see.”

  “Do you? Because I don’t.” It had been stewing inside him since the conversation a few days earlier. “Can you believe she didn’t call me when she was in the hospital?”

  “I expect she didn’t want to bother you. You’re a busy man. A busy, single man.”

  “You could have said that without the emphasis and the look.”

  “Everyone has the right to make their own choices in life. You’ve made yours. You need to allow Emily to make hers. She’s a smart woman.”

  Smart and sexy. “Damn it, she was on her own there. It must have half killed her to have Lizzy in the hospital and she didn’t call me.”

  “Perhaps she didn’t feel that was the nature of your relationship.”

  He eyed his grandmother, wondering exactly how much she knew about their relationship. “Lizzy was asking for me.”

  “Was she?” His grandmother looked thoughtful. “That explains a great deal.”

  “Does it?”

  “She’s afraid the child will look forward to seeing you, and the next step on from that is expecting to see you, and you don’t want that, do you? It’s one thing to take a little girl on a boat trip when it fits into your day, but you don’t want to feel pressure to do it. Same goes for swimming, sailing, walking Cocoa and all those other things.” Agnes opened on
e of the windows to let air into the room. “Better not to do them at all. That way you can be sure of protecting your personal space and making sure you live life alone, the way you prefer it. No one is ever going to want anything, expect anything or demand anything of you. You’re free to go wherever the wind blows you.”

  Ryan looked at his grandmother in exasperation. “You’re a conniving, manipulative—”

  “I’m describing your life, Ryan. That’s all. The life you chose. The life you want. I don’t see how that makes me conniving or manipulative.”

  “You’re trying to make me question my choices.”

  “If it’s the right choice, then no one can make you waver. Take me as an example—” she stood back and looked around her “—you can tell me I’m making the wrong decision as many times as you like, but I’m not going to doubt myself even for a second.”

  “Are we talking about my life or the house? Because if it’s the house, my opinion is that it’s a big step. You should take some time to think about it.”

  “When you reach my age, you don’t waste precious time letting your brain talk you out of something your heart already knows is right.”

  Ryan stared at her. “She made it sound as if I didn’t care. As if Lizzy doesn’t matter to me.”

  “And does she?”

  “Of course! I was as worried about Lizzy as she was. And I was worried about her.” And the thought of her, anxious and alone in the hospital with no one to support her had driven him demented when he’d been trapped. “I thought I’d proved that by flying through a storm to get to the hospital—a place, I might add, that makes me want to swallow alcohol in large quantities.” He paced to the other side of the room which, given the distance, didn’t do anything to relieve his tension. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “You can talk about anything you like. I believe you were expressing your opinion on my new home.” The words were infused with patience and love, and Ryan felt a rush of guilt.

  “I’m sorry.” He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and sent her an apologetic look. “It’s been a stressful few days. First, Lizzy being sick—”

  “Yes, that was a worrying time for the whole island. I know people were very relieved when Kirsti put that message up at the Ocean Club.”

  “She had people asking her every two minutes.” His insides felt ripped and raw. He wondered if it was the hospital visit that had affected his mood so profoundly. “I guess I thought Emily and I were friends.”

  “I’m sure you are. But Emily has been thrown into the role of mother and she’s trying to protect Lizzy.”

  He knew how important that was to her, but he hated to think she saw him as a threat to Lizzy’s happiness. “I don’t see why I’m such a threat. Emily is planning on staying on the island, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I think she’s more concerned about your emotional presence than your geographical location.” His grandmother removed her glasses and tucked them into her purse. “Whereas you seem very concerned about my geographical location. Does it bother you where I live?”

  “I guess I find it hard to imagine you living anywhere but Harbor House. You’ve lived there since—” He broke off, and she nodded slowly.

  “Since your parents died. I know how long I’ve lived there, Ryan. My brain is perfectly fine. It’s my joints that aren’t behaving themselves. I moved in to that big old house because I had my four wonderful grandchildren to care for. You’d lost your parents, and I didn’t want you to lose your home, too. But things change. Needs change. This will be better for me. I can walk as far as Hilda’s cottage, and I know most of the people living here. I won’t have to rely on you and Rachel for lifts.”

  “We don’t mind.”

  “I mind. I already made you take too much responsibility in your life. I see that now. I made mistakes.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It is true. You’d lost your parents. Your life changed overnight, and suddenly instead of riding your bike and your skateboard, you were reading bedtime stories and learning how to braid hair. And you did a fine job. It’s because of you that Rachel has kept her sweet, generous nature. You gave her the security she’d lost. You were there when she needed you, but you were a child, too, and you shouldn’t have had to take that on.”

  Thinking of Rachel raised his stress levels. “She’s seeing Jared.”

  “I know.”

  “He’s a decade older than her.”

  “I know that, too.” His grandmother straightened, rubbing her hand over her back. “She’s grown up, and you have to let her make her own decisions, even if some of those decisions aren’t the ones you would have made. Do you think I wanted to see you fly off to dangerous places? No.” It was the first time she’d ever voiced her feelings on the subject, and he realized how selfish he’d been back then, his one and only thought to get away and live his life.

  “You never said anything.”

  “Because it wasn’t about what I wanted, it was about what you wanted. And you wanted to see the world with nothing and no one holding you back. You had so much hunger inside you. There were so many things you wanted to do. When you left this island, there was a time when I wondered if we’d see you again. You were desperate for an adventure.”

  “That didn’t end the way I thought it would.” He thought about Finn, who right at the end had decided the next adventure in his life was going to be home and family.

  “When I visited you in that hospital I wished you’d chosen a different path. I went back home at night and cried, but then I pulled out every piece you ever wrote and reminded myself how important those stories were, and I realized that if people like you weren’t telling them, the rest of us wouldn’t know what was happening in the world. I’m proud of you. I probably don’t say that enough. You made the decision that was right for you.”

  “Is this your way of telling me to butt out of your decision to sell the house?”

  “Who said anything about selling the house?” Agnes walked to the window and stared over the sea. “Moving feels right. Selling doesn’t, and I’m in the lucky position not to have to take that step. I’m not selling Harbor House, I’m giving it to you.”

  Ryan couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d told him she was taking up Zumba. “Me?”

  “It’s a family house and I rattle around. And before you say anything, I’ve discussed it with the twins and Rachel. They all agree this should be yours. I’ve never been afraid of moving on, Ryan. You shouldn’t be afraid, either.”

  “I’m not afraid.”

  “No? I shouldn’t be interfering when I’ve just told you Rachel is a grown-up who can make her own decisions, but I’m going to anyway, because the truth is, I feel responsible.”

  “Responsible for what?”

  “For the fact that you don’t have a family.”

  Ryan straightened his shoulders. “How can you be responsible? That’s my choice.”

  “Do you think I don’t know why you’ve chosen to live your life free of commitment? Do you think I don’t know how it was for you? You were helping me at an age when you shouldn’t have had a care in the world.”

  “Teenagers always have cares.”

  “But they are different cares. What you want to do with your future, whether you’ll ever date that cool brunette in your class, whether you’ll be tall enough, smart enough—”

  “In other words, selfish cares.”

  “Normal cares. Your cares were deeper and heavier and most of the time didn’t include you. You felt as if you had a leash tied to you, and it grew tighter every year. Because of that, you saw family as something that holds you back. You’ve been avoiding it ever since.”

  “I’ve been living my life.”

  His grandmother smiled. “Having a family doesn’t stop you living your life, although I can see why you would think that way after what happened. I treated you like an adult, but you were still a child. You were still work
ing out what sort of place the world was and how you fit into it.”

  “It probably did me good. I needed to think about someone other than myself.” And he realized he needed to do that now. “If you love this place, then that’s all I need to hear. Tell me how I can help.”

  “I have one remaining box of Rachel’s old books and toys you can take over to Emily.”

  He knew he wouldn’t be welcome. “Just leave a message on Emily’s phone. She can pick them up when she’s next in town.”

  “She may not be in town for a while. She’ll want to keep Lizzy at home until she’s back on her feet. I’d like you to take it over for me. I remember when Rachel was sick, she loved having something new to play with and read.”

  “I can’t do that.” He paced to the window, staring out over the ocean as he replayed the conversation. “She’s shut me out. I was going to offer to take Lizzy on the boat again. She’s showing all the signs of being a natural sailor. I enjoyed teaching her.”

  “Help out at Camp Puffin if you want to do those things with children.”

  “I don’t.” He wanted to do them with Lizzy. He remembered the look of concentration on her face when she’d mastered her first knot, the excited gasp the first time the wind had snapped the sails tight. Most of all, he remembered her look of happiness when he’d walked into the room at the hospital.

  “I don’t understand why this bothers you. You love your freedom, Ryan. I would have thought you’d be feeling relieved not to be towing a little girl out to see puffins and digging in the sand.”

  He realized that those moments had been the happiest he’d had in a long time. Those moments, and the ones he’d spent with Emily.

  “Has it occurred to you that this isn’t all about me? Emily is in this relationship, too. And it’s a casual relationship. She doesn’t want it to be more than that. She isn’t interested.”

  His grandmother looked at him for a long moment. “You’re many things, but I never thought you were a fool, Ryan. Can you lend me your phone? I want to call Murph and tell him I’ll pick up the keys tomorrow.”

  “You can’t pick up the keys until you own the place.”