Shadow Fray

by Bradley Lloyd

  Justin looked down, lowering his chin. Blocking him. Shit. So he wasn’t ready yet. Not for kissing anyway.

  Overhead the buzzing of the drone got louder.

  Justin may not be ready for kissing, but the tent in his pants definitely said he was feeling the same thing Hale was feeling. Hale wanted to reach down and free him for a closer look, but he brought his hand down to Justin’s shoulder instead. “Are you okay?” Hale asked.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. Just… embarrassed.”

  Embarrassed and very turned on. Hale slid his body a little lower, so the tip of his erection rubbed against Justin’s through their sweatpants. “No need to be embarrassed,” he said. “As you can see, it’s a natural shared reaction.”

  Hale gyrated his hips very gently, maintaining the smallest amount of contact, rubbing up and down ever so slowly, cock tip to cock tip. If this felt anywhere near as good to Justin as it did to Hale, the guy wouldn’t be long in taking the bait.

  “Is it? Is it… natural?” Justin asked, his voice trembling, uncertain.

  “It feels natural,” Hale said. He tried to study Justin’s lowered face but couldn’t see him clearly. “It feels good,” he added.

  Justin nodded, still looking down, but Hale heard his breath hitch as he returned the motion of cock head on cock head in miniscule increments, almost imperceptibly.

  Fuck, Hale wanted this so bad. He could feel the wetness beginning to seep through his sweatpants, the glide between them indicating Justin’s pants were getting wet as well. But something was wrong. He could sense the discomfort in Justin, see the tight muscles in his body indicating the stress. He saw the internal conflict, saw that Justin’s body was saying yes, but his head was saying no.

  “Dammit,” Hale said out loud. “I can’t do this to you.”

  “What?” Justin said, looking up, clearly caught off guard.

  “I said I’m stopping.”

  He could hear the drone growing quieter as it went off into the distance, and he stood up, lifting the blind and letting in the bright sunlight. Too bright.

  Hale was shaking with nervous energy. He was used to taking what he wanted, and he wanted nothing more than Justin. Right now.

  He extended a hand down to help Justin up, and thankfully the kid took it. Their erections were painfully obvious.

  “I can tell you got stuff going through your head,” Hale told him. “The way I grew up, I have an idea what that feels like, and I don’t want to do that to you. I know what guilt feels like. And you know what? If I didn’t have enough other stuff in my life to feel guilty about, I might feel guilty about what almost happened just now. But I don’t feel guilty, not about that. I feel plenty guilty about my wife, my daughter, all the crazy shit I put people through. You don’t know the half of it.” Hale realized he sounded angry and tried to reel it in, but his emotions were all over the place. “I know enough about guilt to know there’s nothing here between us to feel guilty about. I guess I need you to know that too, before we go any further.”

  Fuck, why was he so pissed? He just cockblocked his own self, so who was he mad at?

  “We should probably get back to work,” Hale said, already walking away.

  He didn’t wait for Justin to follow.

  JUSTIN DIDN’T like the feeling of not being able to talk openly in his own house. Everything was so screwed up. He was so paranoid. Who might be listening? Who might be watching?

  He was swimming in a stormy sea, with all the ups and downs. Just when he felt able to take a breath, he’d be shoved back under. One minute happy and excited and the next freaking out.

  He braced himself on the railing of the balcony outside their unit. He had a clear view in three directions: east over the endless lake, south to rises lined up like dominoes to the downtown center, and west over the city flats. The sun was setting, lending a golden hue to the scene. From up here he was able to look out and imagine how things must have been. At one point people looking out on this same view led carefree, frivolous lives. Justin didn’t like to look back on the past, but tonight he envied those people.

  Gin stroked his back. “It must be bad,” she said. “I can count on one hand the times where you’ve said you need to talk.”

  “I don’t even know if I can talk or should. I’m constantly afraid now.”

  “We’re outside. We’ll talk quietly. I’m sure it’s fine.” She moved in closer next to him, putting one hand on the railing but keeping her other hand on his back. It was like she was making their own little enclosed bubble within the six square feet of private balcony outside their fourteenth-floor apartment.

  “It’s Hale,” Justin said softly. “The guy who started training with me yesterday.”

  Gin’s brow creased, confusion evident on her face. “What about him?”

  “He’s Black Jim.”

  Gin wasn’t often at a loss for words, but her shocked expression was apparently all she could offer him.

  “Oh my God,” she said at last. “Are we in trouble?”

  “No,” Justin said. “He’s actually really… nice. Sort of.”

  “How did he find us? And why?”

  “He was looking for us. Remember the car that followed us, with his handler? He said he wanted to make sure I was okay.”

  “But how did he find us? I thought that stuff was supposed to be secret.”

  “It is, but he’s definitely more connected to people than we are. Someone slipped him a note, but he doesn’t know who. It’s pretty sketchy.”

  “Someone who knows your identity?”

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  “That’s scary. I can see why you’ve been acting like such a freak the last couple days. Why didn’t you tell me right away?”

  “I just found out yesterday.”

  “But you waited until now. Why? What’s happened?”

  “We started training today—fighting, I mean. We’re going to be training partners. We practice in this wooded area where we won’t be seen, before we do our deliveries.”

  “Jesus Christ, Justin, can you skip to the important part already? I’m waiting for the bomb to drop, wondering what could be bigger than what you’ve already said. I don’t have the patience, so what is it?”

  This was the blessing and the curse of having a twin. She knew him too well, and he’d just have to come out with it. Why was he so scared about this? This was Gin. She’d never….

  He didn’t want to finish the thought, so he blurted it out: “I’m finding myself strangely attracted to him.”

  She looked at him with an expression of pure shock. He turned away, looking down over the balcony. He felt like his stomach dropped and fell fourteen stories to the ground below. No, not fourteen. Thirteen stories. They called it the fourteenth floor, gave it the number fourteen, but they still lived on thirteen. Calling it something different than what it actually was didn’t change the reality. It just hid it. Kept you from thinking about it. Except for when you did.

  “Oh. God,” she said at last. “I can’t believe you.”

  Shit. Not good. His arms were shaky against the railing. Fear or nerves maybe, but he was also getting angry. Defensive. This wasn’t right. “What the hell, Gin? I don’t need your permission.”

  “No shit, Justin. You’ve been jerking off to this guy for years. I can’t believe you had me scared half to death over something so obvious.”

  “What? How—”

  “I’m not stupid. When you jerk off, you’re in the next room. And I know about that greasy cloth you come and grab beforehand too.”

  Justin exhaled sharply. He came slowly back to an equilibrium, the relief almost superseding the embarrassment. Almost.

  She stroked his back again, and when he glanced at her, she was smiling. “You’re really torn up about this, aren’t you? It’s okay. Everybody does it; they just don’t talk about it. You think I haven’t been with girls before?”

  “No, I know you have but… it’s different with guys, isn’
t it?”

  “Why? You have an itch, scratch it. Who knows, maybe you’ll get it out of your system.”

  “You think?”

  “I’d tell you not to go blabbing to the whole world about it, but this is you we’re talking about. You’d never tell anyone. You can certainly talk to me about it. And say something to Charlie, or he’s going to be pissed at us for having this little powwow out here without him. I can feel him brooding through the wall as we speak.”

  “Yeah, okay. I guess I was just worried about what you’d think.”

  “Justin, you’re so serious. It’s like you didn’t get to grow up. You’re like forty years old inside. This is stuff kids go through when they’re twelve or sixteen or even twenty-three. Let yourself go through it. You’ll come out okay.”

  “You think I’ll grow out of it?”

  “Well, it’s not like I’ll swear off girls, but to some extent, yes, I do. At least you’ll be able to move on, you know? Get your head back on straight.”

  “Okay.” Justin nodded. “I can do this.” If he kept saying it, perhaps he could convince himself.

  “What about Hale?” Gin asked. “Getting sweaty and rolling around might be a pretty good way into his pants. Is he going to be open to it?”

  “Oh, that won’t be an issue.”

  “There you go. See. It’s probably natural for guys in your profession. You beat each other up, and then you beat each other off. Makes perfect sense.”

  “I don’t want to kiss him or anything.” He clutched the rail on the balcony. Why had he said that?

  Gin shrugged. “Let me know how things go. So he’s nice?”

  “Yeah, mostly.”

  “I suppose this means he’s off-limits to me, though. Too bad. He’s pretty hot.”

  “Gin—” The warning was in Justin’s tone of voice.

  “You know it’s happened before. I had a girl or two I sent your way. Keep it in mind, maybe return the favor.”

  She was probably just messing with him, so Justin laughed softly.

  Beneath the laugh, though, something was gnawing at his gut. Things with Hale weren’t quite as casual as he’d made them seem, or as Gin believed. He was hiding the truth, at least partly. What would happen if anyone knew how he really felt?

  How did he feel, anyway?

  “Oh, by the way,” Gin said, “Griz wanted to talk to you. Did he text you?”

  “No. I’m not sure I’m up for it tonight. I’ll try and go see him tomorrow.”

  Justin still had to chat with Charlie, and he’d already done more than enough talking for one day.

  Chapter 20

  HALE WAS learning that Justin was fairly inscrutable, but it seemed doubly so right now in the dim morning light under the deep shadows of the forest. The kid sighed again—for the third time since meeting him that morning. Christ, the sun wasn’t even up yet. It was too early for this shit. Something was bothering him, and Hale could guess what it was.

  Truthfully he wasn’t upset with Justin. Not really, anyway.

  Sure, Hale wasn’t thrilled with the way things had ended in the woods, but he blamed himself. He needed to be less of an asshole and back off a bit. What was he hoping for anyway? Chances were Justin wasn’t gay. He might be down for a one-off—someday—but he probably wasn’t going to be interested in much more than that.

  It wasn’t worth it.

  He needed to be happy with Justin’s friendship, because after spending two full days with him, he didn’t want to jeopardize that. The silence in the truck yesterday had been stifling.

  Hale caught his own sigh before it escaped. At least yesterday would be enough to feed his fantasies for some time. Years even. He couldn’t think about it now or he’d get hard.

  He’d just keep to himself how sexy he found Justin’s gray sweats. Looking at him from behind, he could practically see what his ass would look like, the generous muscles parted so cleanly down the middle where the seam of his sweatpants fell. He’d also begun to associate the image of Justin with a hoodie. He filled it out so well with his broad swimmer’s chest, but beyond that it was the perfect accessory for him—something he could hide behind, hands in the pockets and the hood up if he wished. It fit his personality—strong yet distant, imposing yet shy. With a severe case of blue balls last night, all he’d had to do was picture Justin in that hoodie with the zipper wide open and his bare chest underneath it. Hale would love to rub his hands over that chest beneath the soft cotton and tease those dark nipples while the cold metal zipper lightly scraped against his hands and arms.

  Hale had never had a fetish before, but he could suddenly understand the appeal.

  When he heard Justin sigh yet again, Hale let out a sigh of his own. He’d been hoping they could just move on, that things would be okay between them, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

  “What’s on your mind?” Hale asked, his tone gentle.

  “Nothing. Why?”

  Typical macho response. “When someone is as quiet as you, a sigh sounds like thunder. You’ve done it four times now.”

  “You’ve been counting?”

  “Not on purpose. It’s like when you hear gunfire out your window, you can’t help but count the shots. So what’s up? If this is about yesterday—”

  “Oh, no. It’s not that.” He must have read Hale’s skeptical look, because he made an effort to explain. “Honestly. It’s just that….” Justin shook his head.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I only wanted to make sure everything between us was okay.”

  “Yeah, we’re cool.” Hale could’ve sighed with relief, but he could do without any more sighing. “I’m just wary talking about my family. It doesn’t come easy to me. Especially with Charlie. He’s my little brother, and he’s got a disability. I’m really protective.”

  “I can relate, at least partly. I had sisters, but I bet we were nowhere near as close as you and Charlie.” Especially considering he walked away from them. Abandoned them.

  “Charlie’s mad at me right now. Normally I’d be walking him to school in the morning, but since you and I are training, Gin’s had to do it. I think he misses our time together. He’s pretty particular about his routines. He and I had a little chat last night, but he’s still kind of pissed.”

  There was no mistaking the sadness in Justin’s voice. But what should Hale say? What do you say to another guy when it comes to emotional stuff? With Eddie he’d hug her and kiss her and tell her everything was going to be all right. The idea of doing that to Justin was very appealing but probably wouldn’t go over well. So…. “That really sucks.” It sounded lame, even to his own ears.

  Justin kept his eyes to the ground. “Yeah. He’ll get over it eventually, I think.”

  “Maybe you can bring him with sometime,” offered Hale. “Maybe he’d be okay if he saw what you were doing.”

  “Yeah?” asked Justin, his eyes lifting. “You’d be okay with that?”

  “Of course. Maybe sometime you can meet my daughter too.” The idea felt right, but maybe it wasn’t wise, involving Eddie in something that might be dangerous. Jess would have something to say about it, of course. But the more Hale thought about bringing their families together, the more he wanted it to happen—someday.

  “I’ll talk to Charlie,” Justin said, the tone of his voice completely changed. “I bet he’d love to come watch.” Hale felt like giving himself a pat on the back. He’d cheered Justin up, so that sexy smile on Justin’s face was his doing.

  As they arrived in their clearing, the day was a bit brighter than it had been only ten minutes before.

  “It’s your show today,” Hale said to Justin. “I’ve never disarmed men in a real situation, not like you.” Justin had mentioned his actual experiences protecting Gin, and while Hale was curious about those, he also understood the importance of keeping some things buried. Every fighter had them—secrets like embers beneath the ground that you’d only dig up for a fi
ght, when you needed the burn. Instinctually he knew not to ask, so he listened.

  “First thing is to realize you’re going to get cut,” Justin began. “Whatever the weapon, it’s best to assume they’ll be successful using it. That way, when you see the blood, you can keep fighting. Freaking out will just put you at more of a disadvantage.”

  Hale pictured Justin’s half-naked body. He hadn’t ever noticed any scars, and he’d looked at him pretty thoroughly in all the videos. Had Justin been cut before? Too personal? “Cheery thought,” he said instead of asking.

  “It’s really not so grim. Whoever has the weapon, remember, that’s all they have. They have one blade, one gun. You have two hands, two feet—your whole body can work for you. They have only the one point of attack. As such, you have the advantage.”

  Hale nodded. “Makes sense.”

  “Next thing you want to do is create space. They can’t cut you if they can’t reach you.”

  Picking up a stick to function as their blade for the day, Justin took Hale through some moves. One involved rotating your body while at the same time delivering a direct punch upward to the opponent’s hand, which could send a weapon flying. Another clever tactic involved attacking the opponent’s groin first, before adding the rotating punch to disarm. In each case it was important to spin away so if the attempt was not successful, distance was maintained.

  As they went through the motions, practicing and changing positions, Hale was struck by how similar the movements were to a dance. He wasn’t much of a dancer, but if you threw in weapons and blood splatters, he figured he might not be so bad. Or maybe he just needed a partner like Justin.

  Shortly they got into the serious stuff that involved more muscle than raw technique, and quite a bit more body contact. Justin showed him how to rush an opponent, deliver an opening attack, and continue in, grabbing the forearm and twisting it to break the wrist. It was far more dangerous but much more effective at disabling the attacker.