Want to Go Private?

by Sarah Darer Littman

  AbyAngel99: My parents are calling. I GTG.

  BlueSkyBoi: Ok, baby. Listen, u should put a pword on ur computer if u don’t have 1.

  AbyAngel99: Ok.

  AbyAngel99: Gnite!

  BlueSkyBoi: Sweet dreams, baby — I know mine will be.

  I delete the photo, shut down my computer, and curl up in bed. I think this has been the most screwed-up night of my life. I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to face Billy on Monday. Life is so confusing right now. But at least I can look forward to getting Luke’s cell phone.

  CHAPTER 8

  OCTOBER 10

  I never thought I’d be happy about a test, but I’m so, so glad that we have one in science on Monday. I hang out in the girls’ bathroom in between classes so I have just enough time to slide into my seat right before class starts. All Billy can do is smile at me with a warm look in his blue eyes, and mouth, “Hi,” before Ms. Forcier hands out the test papers. I give him a quick smile in return, and turn my attention to the test. I just hope I do okay on it. I can’t say I was exactly one hundred percent focused on studying yesterday after what happened with Luke.

  When we were sitting in church on Sunday morning I felt like somehow the pastor could tell that the previous night I’d gone to the movies and made out with one guy and then come home and sent a picture of myself topless to another. I could have sworn he kept shooting me disapproving looks during the service.

  What was I thinking? How could I have sent Luke that picture? I’m never going to do that again, I swore to myself as I sat in the pew, blushing at the memory of his words, and praying for forgiveness for even thinking about that kind of stuff in church.

  I stayed off-line all that day and all night, even though part of me was desperate to talk to Luke. He was becoming like, I don’t know, like a drug almost. I craved talking to him, and when I wasn’t talking to him I was thinking about the last time we chatted or the next time I’d be able to chat with him.

  Now I’ve got the test in front of me and of course the first question is about the characteristics of living things, which sends me back to Billy’s sofa on Saturday night as he quizzed me: You look great…. You smell pretty good, too…. You left out the most fun one.

  I won’t turn around and look at him. I’m going to stay focused on this test and when the test is over, I’m going to leave this classroom as fast as I can so I don’t have to talk to him. How can I face him now?

  Billy finishes his test before me. Everyone does. I’m the last person left, because even though science is one of my best subjects, and I know this stuff, I can’t concentrate. I keep thinking about the picture I sent to Luke. I keep hearing the words he used to describe how excited it made him.

  I barely manage to finish by the time the bell rings. Ms. Forcier asks me if everything is okay when I hand her my test.

  “You look a little … under the weather today, Abby. How are you feeling?”

  More confused than I ever have in my life, thanks. But I would seriously rather die than talk to a teacher about it.

  Still, she’s handing me an excuse on a platter.

  “I’ve kinda got a headache. I think I might be getting a cold or something.”

  “Do you need a pass to the nurse?”

  The thought of escaping to the nurse’s office and just being able to lie down and stare at the wall for a while is pretty tempting. But I don’t want to get behind on my work, especially with tests coming up in my other classes.

  “No, thanks, it’s okay. I can always go there and get some ibuprofen during lunch if it doesn’t go away.”

  “Well, feel better,” she says, giving me a concerned smile.

  Billy practically pounces on me the minute I walk out of the classroom, startling me so much that I let out a cry of surprise.

  “Sorry,” he says, standing a little closer to me than I want him to in school where people can see us. He smells nice, a clean soapy smell that reminds me of the movie and the warmth of his kisses. I feel color rising in my cheeks. “I just really wanted to talk to you; you know, to tell you how much fun I had on Saturday and …”

  Luckily, I’m saved by the bell.

  “I’ve got to run — I’m late for math,” I say, already a few paces down the hall.

  Billy looks back at me, crestfallen, and says, “Okay, later.”

  I’m practically running down the hall on the way to math, hoping I don’t get in trouble for being late without a pass. With every step I hear Luke’s words in my head….

  Did Science Boy get lucky?… Did he feel ur tits?… I told u I’m the jealous type…. Prove to me ur really my girl….

  By the time I get to math, two minutes late, I really am starting to get a headache. Especially after seeing the smirk on Amanda Armitage’s face when Mr. Evans threatens me with a detention. Fortunately, he lets me off with a warning because I’m a straight-A student in his class and I’m normally really punctual.

  “Hey, Angie, where you been?” Nick whispers. “I need your homework.”

  My head feels like it’s going to explode. Luke wouldn’t treat me like this. Luke has always remembered my name, ever since the first time I told it to him. Luke thinks I’m beautiful — and not just beautiful, but that I’m hot. Nick Peters may be drop-dead gorgeous, but he’s too freaking stupid to do his own math homework, and he thinks Amanda Armitage is a great girl. Well, I’ve had it with him. I’ve got a real man who likes me.

  Turning around, I hiss, “It’s Abby, asshole, and do your own homework from now on.” Then I turn back to the board.

  I hear him and Amanda whispering behind me, but I ignore them. Whatever. I don’t care about them. Nick’s so immature compared to Luke. Who needs some random high school jerk when you’ve got a mature guy who thinks you’re hot?

  That night, Luke asks me if I have a webcam so we can video chat. I tell him there’s one built into my computer.

  BlueSkyBoi: Well, what are we waiting for?

  AbyAngel99: I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. Hold on a sec.

  I throw on a bathrobe over my camisole and pajama bottoms and make sure my hair looks okay. Then I click on the video icon so he can see me, and wait for him to start his.

  When Luke turns his on, his face is half in shadow. I put in my earbuds, so no one at my house can hear the conversation.

  “Hey, baby,” he says. “How’s it going?”

  His voice is different than I thought it would be. It’s not as deep and he has an accent — I’m not sure exactly what kind. It’s not New York, from around here … maybe Boston? But he’s from New Jersey — I don’t know. I’m not so good at accents.

  “Okay, I guess.”

  “It’s great to hear your voice, finally,” he says. “You sound as beautiful as you look.”

  I feel myself blushing. Why can’t I ever hear him say something nice about me without turning dorkishly pink?

  “Aw, you’re blushing,” he says. “That’s so cute.”

  That only makes me blush more.

  “How was your test?”

  “I don’t know. I kind of had problems concentrating.”

  “What was on your mind? Not Science Boy, I hope.”

  “Well, him a bit. But you, mostly.”

  “You normally get good grades, right?”

  “Yeah. Especially in science. And in math.”

  “So you’re smart and beautiful. Wow. How’d I get so lucky?”

  “I’m just worried if I get a bad grade on this, my parents are going to freak. Especially my dad. It’s like if I don’t get A’s, it’s the end of the world or something.”

  “It’s tough when your parents expect you to be perfect all the time.”

  “It wouldn’t be so bad except he’s not like that with Lily. Like, she doesn’t get nearly as good grades as I do, but I don’t hear my parents giving her the kind of grief they give me.”

  “I can relate, baby. My parents were way harder on
me than they were on my sisters.”

  “It’s so unfair.”

  “Word. But I wanna hear more about you, honey. Did you see that guy today? Science Boy?”

  “Yeah. I saw him when I took the test.”

  Luke makes a pouting face and it makes me laugh.

  “I’m glad you find making me jealous so amusing,” he says, but he doesn’t look all that happy. He actually looks kind of pissed. I want to make him feel better.

  “I’m just kidding, honest. I barely spoke to Billy. I was trying to avoid him, if you want to know the truth.”

  “Yeah?” he says, looking at me intently through the computer screen. “Why’s that, Abby?”

  “Because … because I’m … you’re …”

  I feel embarrassed saying the words, particularly now that I can see his eyes and I’m not just typing them into a chat box.

  “Because you’re my girl?” he says, his voice low and husky.

  Without saying a word, I just nod my head.

  “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me,” he continues. “Do you want to see how happy that makes me? Do you, baby?”

  I’m not sure what exactly he means, but his voice pours into my ears like liquid caramel, soft and comforting but exciting at the same time.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  He stands up, slowly, and puts his hands on the zipper of his jeans, where I notice there’s a bulge that looks like someone stuck a cucumber in his pants. That can’t be his … thing, can it? He undoes the button and then his fly and then slides his jeans down. He’s wearing those tight boxer-brief things, like the guy in the Calvin Klein commercial, and I realize it’s definitely not a cucumber.

  Luke touches the bulge and then smiles straight at me.

  “Now it’s your turn, sweetheart. Take off that robe. You’re all covered up. I want to see those gorgeous tits of yours.”

  My mouth feels dry all of a sudden and I swallow, hard. But I do what he says. I untie my belt and slide the bathrobe off my shoulders and onto the bed. I hear Luke’s breathing quicken in my ears.

  “Now take your shirt off, baby.”

  He sees me hesitating and says, “Do it, baby. Do it for me. Because I love you, honey. Because you’re my girl.”

  First, I make sure to lock my bedroom door and I have to take the earbuds out to do that. I pull my camisole over my head, but when I emerge from the fabric I see Luke’s eyes staring at me from my screen with so much heat it feels like they’ll burn through me. I start to cover myself with my hands and I see his lips move and his head shaking, no. Placing the earbuds back in, I hear: “No, baby, no, don’t cover yourself. Don’t ever be ashamed. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Look, sweetheart, look what you do to me.”

  He pulls down his briefs and OMG, there on the screen in his hand is the first penis I have ever seen — well, except for the line drawings in the movies we saw in health about the reproductive process. It’s so big and angry-looking. I can’t believe that something like that would ever fit inside a woman’s body. Like maybe inside of me someday when I’m older. It’s so … freaky.

  Luke’s voice becomes more and more breathy as he slowly starts to stroke himself.

  “Oh, sweetheart, you should see your face right now. Don’t be scared, Abby angel. It won’t bite you…. I won’t bite you. I would never do anything to hurt you, beautiful…. I love you…. Do you love me, baby?”

  I’m filled with so many strange sensations. My breasts feel heavy, almost like Luke’s eyes on them has made them grow bigger and more womanly. I can’t believe that I, plain old Abby Johnston, could be so exciting to anyone. Is this love? I don’t know, but it’s way more powerful than anything I’ve been feeling for Billy.

  “Um … yes. I think maybe I do.”

  “Oh, baby, show me. Show me you love me, honey.”

  “How?”

  “Touch yourself. Go on, let me see you touching your pussy, baby.”

  My what? Does he mean … he can’t mean … down there? No, I can’t. I can’t do that. No way. It’s so embarrassing. I’ll die. I already feel like my face is going to catch fire, it’s turning so red.

  “Remember what I said, sweetheart. Nothing to be ashamed about. You’re a beautiful girl. Any guy would get turned on looking at you. And I’m getting extra turned on because I know how smart and wonderful you are, as well as gorgeous. I tell you, I’m rock hard now. It’s killing me, you’re such a knockout.”

  He breathes deeply into my ears, and groans as he strokes himself.

  “Please, baby, I’m begging. Make me the happiest man alive. Let me see you touch yourself.”

  With trembling hands, I pull down my pajama bottoms. I hear Luke groan, “Yes,” softly in my ears. And then I touch myself — there. While Luke is watching, like a hawk watching a mouse it’s going to eat for dinner.

  I feel exposed and shy but also these weird feelings like I’ve never felt before. Strange and exciting, but so incredibly embarrassing. My cheeks are on fire, but there’s an unfamiliar heat in other places, too.

  “Oh, baby, you are so adorable. Do you feel it, too? Are you getting hot for me, honey? Tell me, Abby.”

  “I … I don’t know.”

  “Doesn’t it feel good, baby? I want my girl to feel as good as she’s making me feel right now.”

  It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling, because these sensations are so new and … different.

  “Talk to me, Abby, tell me it’s good for you.”

  “It feels … good.”

  His breath is getting shorter and shorter, brief pants, interjected with “open your legs wider” and “oh, baby” and “that’s my girl” or just groans until his face contorts like he’s in pain and he lets out one big, “OH, YEAH!

  “Oh, baby, you are amazing,” he says. “I can’t believe how —”

  “Abby? Abby! Why is your door locked?”

  Shit, that’s Mom!

  “Hold on!”

  I slam the laptop shut and throw on my bathrobe, stuff my pajamas under my bed, and wrap a towel around my head. Then I race to the door and open it.

  “Sorry, Mom. I was just in the middle of getting dressed after my shower.”

  “Are you feeling okay, honey? You look flushed.”

  She reaches a hand to my forehead. Her fingers feel cool against my skin.

  “You are a little warm, but that could just be from the shower. Maybe you should take some Tylenol before you go to bed, just in case.”

  If Mom had the slightest idea of anything, she’d realize I need a lot more than Tylenol. But as usual, she doesn’t. Have the slightest idea of anything, that is.

  “Sure, Mom. I’ll take some as soon as I’m in my pajamas.”

  “Have you done all your homework?”

  “Yes,” I lie. I actually still have five more math problems to do, but got a little, um, distracted by Luke.

  “Okay. Well, good night, honey. Get to bed soon, in case you’re coming down with something.”

  “What’s Abby coming down with?” Lily says, sticking her head out of her room. “I don’t want to get any of her germs.”

  I step toward her and fake a cough.

  “Mom! Did you see that? Abby is trying to give me the plague.”

  My mother rolls her eyes.

  “Abby, that was uncalled for, and Lily, your sister does not have the plague. Besides, you’re supposed to be in bed, and if you were there, Abby couldn’t have coughed on you.”

  “Figures you’d take Abby’s side,” Lily grumbles, slinking back into her room and slamming the door shut.

  Mom sighs. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to take a nice hot bath,” she says. “Don’t forget to take the Tylenol.”

  “Okay, good night.”

  I go back into my room and quickly throw my pajamas back on. Then I open my laptop to see if Luke’s still online.

  AbyAngel99: Sorry I had to go. Had parental 911.

  BlueSkyBoi: It’s
okay. I figured. But … I didn’t get to tell you.

  BlueSkyBoi: I love you, baby.

  AbyAngel99:

  BlueSkyBoi: Hope u get the phone soon so I can talk & txt u all the time.

  AbyAngel99: Will check as soon as I get home from school.

  BlueSkyBoi: It’s a pay as u go phone so let me know when u need more minutes.

  AbyAngel99: Ok.

  BlueSkyBoi: My number is programmed in. Txt me when u get it.

  I don’t want to break the connection I have with Luke. I wish I could chat with him all night. But it’s already late, and I really need to finish those stupid math problems.

  AbyAngel99: I will. I GTG. Have to finish my homework.

  BlueSkyBoi: That’s my smart girl. Okay. See u tomorrow.

  BlueSkyBoi: Sweet dreams, Abby angel.

  I shut my computer and bury it under a pillow, hoping to blot out any thoughts of Luke while I finish my math problems. Yeah, right. Like that’s possible. Images of his face and … well, other things … keep flashing through my head. It’s well past midnight before I finish what would normally have taken me twenty minutes. Even then I have trouble getting to sleep.

  CHAPTER 9

  OCTOBER 13

  It feels like I’m drifting on a cloud the whole week in school. I keep hearing Luke’s voice in my ear telling me “I love you, baby” and the intense sound of his breath as he told me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me. It doesn’t even bother me when I pass Amanda Armitage and a bunch of her friends in the hall and they look at me and start giggling after I’ve walked by. Normally, I’d get all paranoid worrying about what they were saying, like if my clothes were all wrong or my butt looked big in the jeans I was wearing or I was having a Bad Hair Day of epic proportions. But it’s like Luke has cast a protective spell around me with his words; none of the idiots at my school can hurt me because I know he loves me. And he’s a mature guy, not some stupid teen Clique Queen.

  I find myself doodling Abby Redmond in the margin of my Spanish notebook. I know I’m getting totally carried away with that, but I’ve just never felt this way about anyone before. Luke understands me so well. Maybe he’s right and we really are soul mates. It won’t really matter about him being so much older than me when I’m older. Look at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or Jay-Z and Beyoncé.