Want to Go Private?

by Sarah Darer Littman

  Baby, I’m hot just like an oven, I need some lovin’…

  When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing …

  I’m slow dancing around the room to this song, which is old and kind of corny, if you want to know the truth — more like something my parents would listen to. But it’s sweet that Luke took the time to make me all these playlists. No one’s ever done that for me before.

  Thx for the fone. I LUV it! I text him.

  Listening 2 one of playlists now.

  It’s only a minute or two before the phone rings.

  “Hey, gorgeous. Now I get to speak to you on the top secret Abby line. Just for you and me.”

  “It’s such a cool phone, Luke. Thank you sooooo much!”

  “Just make sure you don’t go showing it to all your friends, okay?”

  “I won’t. Even if I wish I could just happen to whip it out in front of Amanda Armitage, just so she’d shut up about her iPhone.”

  He laughs.

  “Maybe someday I can get you one of those. But in the meantime, this will have to do.”

  I love the thought of getting an iPhone someday, but I don’t want Luke to think that I’m all about the presents.

  “It’ll more than do. It’s awesome. I love it.”

  “So have you listened to any of my playlists yet?”

  “I started listening to the Sensual one.”

  “Good. Maybe when you’re listening to it you can touch yourself in front of the webcam for me.”

  “I … guess.”

  “What are you wearing now?”

  “Jeans. A shirt.”

  “What kind of underwear?”

  “A bra. Bikini underpants.”

  “You should get a thong.”

  “But they go up your butt.”

  “Maybe, baby, but they’re really hot. I bet you’d look great in one. Maybe I’ll send you a few. What size are you?”

  “Small, I guess.”

  “Abby, where’d you get that cell phone?”

  Oh, crud! Lily’s home. How come I didn’t hear her come in the front door? Because I was listening to the music with stupid earbuds in, that’s why.

  “Oh, Faith, I’ve got to go, Lily’s home. See you tomorrow.”

  “Okay, I’ll IM you later,” Luke says, and hangs up.

  “Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” I ask Lily.

  “I’ve heard of it. But I didn’t want to damage my knuckles. So. Where’d you get it?”

  She’s leaning against the doorjamb, her arms crossed over her chest, and it’s clear she’s not going anywhere till she gets an answer.

  “I couldn’t find mine, so Gracie lent me hers.”

  “Who’s Gracie? And why would she be stupid enough to do that?”

  “She’s a friend of mine and Faith’s and because she’s nice, not a selfish brat like you, that’s why.”

  “Well, you better not lose it like you lost yours. Dad’s gonna be really pissed when he finds out.”

  “I haven’t lost it. It’s probably in my locker or something. I just couldn’t find it when I needed it and Gracie didn’t need hers because her family is going to their cabin in upstate New York for the weekend and they don’t have cell service up there. I’m giving it back to her at school on Monday. Anyway, it’s none of your business, so why don’t you go squeeze that zit that’s erupting on your nose?”

  Ha! I know I’ve faked her out because she immediately touches the end of her nose with her fingertips, a worried expression on her face, and then rushes into the bathroom and slams the door.

  That was a really close call. I just hope Lily keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t say anything to Mom and Dad.

  I text Luke a quick message apologizing for having to hang up on him, and then hide his cell phone in my backpack next to the phone my parents gave me, which is in its usual place in the front pocket. Like I’d actually lose it. Sheesh. It’s incredible how Lily thinks the worst about me, when I’m like twenty times more responsible than she is.

  Time to do homework. When I take the books out of my backpack, my C-minus test falls out. I hide it in the back of my closet, where no one will ever find it.

  Mom brings home Chinese food for dinner because she’s too tired to cook and Dad’s going to be late, surprise, surprise.

  Lily opens her big fat mouth over the sesame noodles.

  “Abby lost her cell phone.”

  Mom gives me a sharp look.

  “Is that true?”

  “No, of course it’s not true. I just left it in my locker by accident.”

  “Abby was talking on this really fancy phone when I got home from school. She said it was her friend Gracie’s,” the Lily Monster says.

  “Why were you using someone else’s cell phone?” Mom asks. She sounds really ticked off. If I had killer vision, Lily would be totally dead. She would have to bring this up when Mom is tired from work and already grumpy.

  “I realized I’d left mine in my locker and Grace said she didn’t need hers over the weekend so she lent it to me in case I had an emergency. Seriously, what’s the big deal?”

  “The big deal, Abby, is that you need to be more responsible with your own cell phone. I certainly wouldn’t want you lending the phone that your father and I pay for to anyone else, and I’m sure this Grace’s parents wouldn’t be happy to know that she’s handing her phone out like this. I’ve a good mind to call them and tell them.”

  Oh, crud.

  “No, Mom, don’t! I’ll give it back to her on Monday, okay? She’s away all weekend and doesn’t need it. Why are you making such a big deal about this? I leave my phone in my locker one time and you’re acting like I’ve committed this huge crime!”

  Mom takes another bite of sesame noodles while I sit there freaking at the thought of her calling Grace’s parents and finding out that I’ve lied.

  “Well, make sure you give it back to her first thing Monday. I don’t want you borrowing other people’s phones, or lending them yours. And make sure you remember to bring yours home — those school lockers aren’t safe — and if it gets stolen, the replacement is coming out of your allowance. Is that clear?”

  “Crystal. Can I eat now?”

  My sister has been busy stuffing her face with sweet and sour chicken the whole time Mom’s been freaking on me. I want to empty the carton of it over her snitchy little head.

  “Lily, leave some of that for your father and Abby,” Mom says.

  “Do I have to? It’s so good!”

  “Yes, you do have to, you selfish brat!”

  Mom slams down her knife and fork.

  “Okay, that’s enough. I’ve had a long day at work and I really don’t need to come home to the two of you bickering. I don’t want to hear another word from either of you unless it’s civil.”

  We eat the rest of dinner in total silence, except for the sound of Lily’s chewing, which drives me crazy, but I can’t say anything or else Mom will lose it again.

  CHAPTER 11

  NOVEMBER 19

  Over the next month, I spend most of my evenings on the computer with Luke, or talking to him on my secret cell phone. My parents want me to watch a movie with them tonight, but Luke and I have a webcam date so I say no.

  I try to ignore the crushed expression on my dad’s face as I turn to walk out of the family room, and the cloak of guilt that wraps itself around me as I walk up the stairs. But I shrug it off as I close and lock the door to my room. I mean, it’s not like Dad’s been around at all lately. And now that he’s finally making an appearance I’m supposed to drop everything just so he can spend some “quality time” with me? Yeah, right. While Dad’s been doing his workaholic thing, coming home only to give me grief if I’m not getting straight A’s, Luke’s the one who’s been there for me every night, listening to my problems. Unlike my parents, he knows — and remembers — what’s going on in my life. So I’m not about to give up my evening with him to watch some lame movie with Mom and Dad. Just n
ot happening.

  It’s Sunday night a few weeks later and I’ve got a big math test the next day. I’ve got serious studying to do because I’ve been spending so much time talking or video chatting with Luke that I’ve gotten way behind with schoolwork. Luckily, my parents didn’t find out about the C-minus in science or I would be in deep doo-doo. But I can’t afford to mess up anymore, especially in math, which is supposed to be one of my best subjects.

  To avoid any temptation, I keep my laptop closed and on my desk, while I sit on my bed with my math books, studying. I even turn off Luke’s cell, although it’s charging under my bed, where no one can see it. But it’s a struggle to stay focused on geometry. I miss talking to Luke. The evening feels empty without him.

  Mom comes in at eleven.

  “Honey, lights out now. You’ve been studying for hours and you need to get a good night’s sleep.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I say, getting up to go brush my teeth.

  Mom brushes my hair back from my face as I pass her on the way to the bathroom.

  “Good night, sweetheart. Sleep tight.”

  I automatically say, “Don’t let the bedbugs bite,” because it’s this ritual we did when I was little.

  It’s so weird. One minute she’s expecting so much of me like I’m a grown-up, and the next minute we’re doing baby nighty-night rituals like I’m five years old again. Whatever.

  When I get back to my room I turn on Luke’s cell and there are six text messages from him, asking me where I am and telling me that he loves me and misses me and he’s worried about me. Even though I’m supposed to be going to sleep and I know I’ve got a big test tomorrow, I can’t stop myself from firing up my laptop to see if Luke’s online. I’m so psyched when I see that he is.

  BlueSkyBoi: Hey, baby, where were u?

  BlueSkyBoi: I was worried abt u.

  AbyAngel99: I wuz studying. Got big math test 2morrow. Got 2 do well.

  BlueSkyBoi: My smart girl.

  BlueSkyBoi: I luv how motivated u r.

  AbyAngel99: Well, I’m kinda behind on stuff.

  AbyAngel99: Been talkin 2 u 2 much.

  BlueSkyBoi:

  BlueSkyBoi: That’s not good.

  BlueSkyBoi: I don’t want to be a bad influence on u.

  BlueSkyBoi: Maybe we should stop talking 4 a while.

  My heart feels like it misses a beat when I read that. Without Luke, there would be this huge, scary void in my life. I think about him all the time, and talking to him is the one thing I look forward to every day. Now that Faith is totally wrapped up in the play and with the most awesomely amazing Ted, I’d have no one if it weren’t for Luke. He’s my love. He’s my best friend. He’s my everything.

  AbyAngel99: NO!!!

  AbyAngel99: It’s okay.

  AbyAngel99: I’ll catch up.

  AbyAngel99: I just have 2 get more organized and stuff.

  BlueSkyBoi: r u sure?

  BlueSkyBoi: The last thing I want 2 do is screw up my girl’s life.

  BlueSkyBoi: I luv u so much, Abby.

  BlueSkyBoi: I only want wut’s best 4 u.

  AbyAngel99: Then keep talking 2 me

  AbyAngel99: cause u are wut’s best 4 me!!

  BlueSkyBoi: If ur sure that’s wut u want.

  AbyAngel99: I’m sure.

  BlueSkyBoi: Good. Cause I think abt u all the time.

  BlueSkyBoi: Not a minute goes by when u aren’t on my mind.

  BlueSkyBoi: Wait — did I say a minute?

  BlueSkyBoi: I meant a second.

  It’s a relief to know that Luke thinks about me as much as I think about him. I was almost starting to think that I was getting kind of … I don’t know … obsessed. But if he feels the same way about me, then it must be normal, right? Maybe this is just how people are when they’re in love with each other.

  AbyAngel99: It’s like that 4 me 2.

  BlueSkyBoi: So … it’s late

  BlueSkyBoi: and u have a test.

  BlueSkyBoi: I guess u have 2 go to bed.

  BlueSkyBoi: Wish I could be there with u.

  AbyAngel99: me 2

  BlueSkyBoi: So … can I kiss u good night?

  AbyAngel99: But … I can stay up 4 a little while longer.

  BlueSkyBoi: Are u sure?

  AbyAngel99: Yeah. I’m sure.

  I end up staying up with Luke until three in the morning. And undressing for him in front of the webcam while we whisper to each other on our secret cell phone.

  When my alarm goes off at six fifteen a.m., I realize that probably hadn’t been the smartest decision I ever made in my life. My eyelids feel weighted down and my head pounds with one of those killer headaches I get sometimes when I don’t get enough sleep. I drag myself to the bathroom for a shower and look in the mirror. Argh. I am definitely not in optimal math-test-taking form.

  Down in the kitchen I put an extra teaspoon of instant coffee in my cup, hoping it’ll give me a boost. It just makes the coffee taste like crap. I have to put in twice as much sugar so I can drink it.

  “What’s with you? You look like you need a Black and Decker beauty kit this morning,” Lily says when she comes into the kitchen.

  “Yeah, good morning to you, too, Cruella De Asshole.”

  Of course, Mom comes in and hears what I said, not what Lily said, so I’m the one who gets in trouble. Story of my life.

  “Abigail Johnston! What on earth has come over you?” she shouts. “How dare you use that kind of language in this house! Apologize to your sister right now!”

  Mom stomps over to the fridge to get out the Coffee-mate. “I really don’t need this first thing in the morning.”

  Like I do?

  “Sorry, Lily,” I say with as little sincerity as I can muster.

  She sticks her tongue out at me as soon as Mom turns her back to fill her travel coffee mug. For like the nine zillionth time, I wonder how we can possibly be related.

  Amanda Armitage looks twice as gorgeous and put together as usual, as if to contrast with my Close Encounters with a Zombie look.

  “Hey, Ally, are you feeling okay?” Nick asks me when I sit down. “You don’t look so hot.”

  Oh, great. Thanks for pointing that out.

  I hear Amanda snickering. I’m tempted to say that I’ve got the bubonic plague and it’s really, really contagious. And then sneeze on them.

  But I’m too tired. I just want to get this fricking test over with and this whole day at school over with so I can go home and get into bed and nap. I’m actually thinking of my pillow more than I’m thinking about Luke, that’s how tired I am.

  Mr. Evans hands out the test papers and I pinch the inside of my elbow to try and make myself more alert.

  For the first fifteen minutes I’m able to concentrate, mostly. But then I feel myself blinking constantly as my eyelids get heavier and heavier, and the numbers start to swim on the page in front of me. I pinch myself again, hard, but it doesn’t seem to do much good.

  The next thing I know is that I wake up with a start as my pencil rolls on the floor. I bend down to pick it up and as I do so I glance up at the clock near the door. What I see scares me wide awake. There are only five minutes left in the period and I’ve still got half the test to finish.

  I sit up and pull the paper toward me. I’ve written total gobbledygook for the last answer, and have to do that question again. Shit, shit, shit! I’m going to fail this test.

  People start going up to hand in their papers, but I’m frantically trying to answer the questions. The worst is, I know this stuff. If I hadn’t fallen asleep for half of the period, I’d have done okay. Nick Peters passes by my desk to hand in his paper. I can’t believe I’m finishing a test after Nick Copies-My-Homework-and-Can’t-Even-Remember-My-Name Peters.

  When Mr. Evans calls “time” and tells everyone to put their pencils down, there are five questions I didn’t even get to. I am so royally screwed.

  I can’t look Mr. Evans in the eye when I hand him my paper
because I know I’ve done so badly. I’ve never gotten below an eighty-nine on anything in this class. This test is going to bring my average way down.

  There’s no way I can face gym. Basketball. Running up and down the gym with people shouting at me to shoot or pass or to be better at defense. As I head down there, I’m trying to work out my excuse to go to the nurse.

  “Hey, Abs! OMG, what’s the matter? You look terrible!” Faith says as she meets me in the hallway on the way to the gym.

  Do I go with period pains or headache and possible virus?

  “Yeah, I don’t feel so great,” I say, putting on a feeble I’m sick voice. “I’ve got a really bad headache and I feel kind of achy.”

  “You should go to the nurse,” Faith says. “You definitely don’t want to be playing basketball. I’ll go ask Ms. Carlucci for a pass.”

  I sit down on the bleachers and look pathetic, which isn’t too hard because I feel like total crap and as bad as taking that math test was, I know that the moment I get it back is going to feel even worse.

  Ms. Carlucci comes over with Faith.

  “You’re not feeling well, Johnston?”

  “No. I’ve got a really bad headache and my muscles ache.”

  She gives me the eagle eye Are you sure you’re not faking this? stare, takes in the shadows under my eyes and the pasty white pallor of my skin, and decides that I’m genuine enough for a pass, which she scribbles off and hands to Faith.

  “Wilson, you can take her to the nurse, but I want you to come straight back here.”

  “Sure thing, Ms. C. I will.”

  As she walks away, Ms. Carlucci lets out a loud blast of her whistle, which feels like a knife splitting my brain in half. I swear she did it on purpose, just in case I was faking.

  Is it any wonder I hate gym?

  Faith and I walk down the hall in awkward silence. We used to always have so much to say to each other. But now … well, so much of what I would want to tell her is secret, a private little world that’s only inhabited by Luke and me.

  “Um … how are things going with the play?” I ask her.

  “Great! We’re making good progress with the sets. We’re starting to look for props. My mom’s been taking Ted and me to Goodwill on the weekends to hunt for things we need. It’s actually kind of fun. Have you ever been there?”