by Linz VonC
My eyes swept over the empty seats behind mine and felt a pang in my chest. I noticed Luke walking in, his hair clearly still wet from the shower. He saw me and avoided my furious glare, sliding into his seat and joking with Finn. Finn glanced at me and gave a half smile, which I coolly ignored and stared out of the window. I hope Luke didn't expect me to speak to him. I wanted to poke his eyes out with my nails. He looked relaxed and happy, not like someone who was actively ruining two lives.
Cal didn't show that day. Or the next, or the one after that. Against my parents strict orders I texted him. He didn't reply. My heart felt like it was being crushed. I was sat in the library with my feet curled under me, reading my favourite book. Whenever I felt stressed reading always soothed my soul. The rain lashed on the windows, the sky dark and foreboding. I shivered and pulled my hoody around me tighter for the extra warmth. I flipped my hair over to the side parting and leant back, trying to get back to the book. Pretty soon I was absorbed and didn't realise how much time had passed when the bell rang. I sat up to gather my things, dropping my book in the process. I leant down to pick it up when I saw someone else’s fingers beat me to it. I looked up in surprise to see Luke. He handed me the book whilst I marvelled at his audacity. I snatched it from him, pushing it deep into my bag. He looked at his feet, hands in his pockets.
“I know you hate me Gretch,” he put his hands up, his eyes wide and genuine. “But I need to explain...I did that for you, not for me.”
I swung my legs down and stood to face him.
“Is that right?” I spat. “Well thank you but I'd much rather you hadn't had bothered.”
I was tired of apologising to Luke, taking his name calling and now this. I moved to go past him when he grabbed my wrist.
“Wait,” he begged. I pulled my arm from his like I had been burned and turned to face him.
“No I will NOT Luke. Don't ever think you have done anything for me. I never want to speak to you again.”
I saw the hurt in his eyes as I span on my heel and stormed away. My eyes were blurry and filled with tears as I made my way out of the school, heading for my mother’s car which was waiting in the pouring rain. I slammed the door behind me as I climbed in, tears spilling down my face. My mom looked at me with concern.
“Baby? What's happened?”
She attempted to move my hair out of my eyes, and I moved away. She drew her hand back slowly as I shook my head and stared out of the window. She REALLY didn't get it did she? My life was falling apart in front of my eyes and all she can do is ask what had happened? How could I say, well hey Mom, I am in love with a felon who I stayed out all night fucking, and for some reason you won't let me see him and now my ex is making my life as hard as possible. Oh and now I haven't heard from Cal in fucking DAYS. My tears fell as I stared stubbornly out the window, refusing to communicate with my mom.
Time passed and I struggled to function. I was going to school, avoiding everyone, coming home and crying, sleeping then repeating the pattern. I hadn't heard from Cal, and I was worried something had happened to him. He would never just leave me, not without explaining it to me first. My mind was in overdrive, my thoughts meshing together and causing a chaos I couldn't even begin to make sense of. My parents were happy though, I heard them laughing at ridiculously mundane tv shows and living their life. Together. I felt empty inside, but I was powerless. The only options I had was to break more rules and go and see Cal at his house, or sit and wallow in my self-pity. I lay in the darkness, listening to the silence. My phone pinged and instead of leaping up like I had been, I ignored it, slipping the volume key to silent. I didn't want to speak to anyone. Without Cal in my life I didn't feel I could exist successfully. I remembered his arms around me and felt my heart break with longing, his soft lips on mine, his striking eyes. His fingers as they laced with mine as we lay in bed, in a world that was totally our own. The pain I felt pretty much every day was becoming so familiar I felt like I had to do something. I heard a knock at my door and I turned on my side, refusing to acknowledge it. I was so angry and hurt, this hadn't eased for me at all. I heard the door open softly and I felt the bed go down as someone put weight on it.
“Gretchen.”
My father’s voice caused a fresh lot of tears to fall down my cheeks.
“Gretchen, you need to look at me honey.”
His voice was soft and calm as I shook my head. Didn't he know the damage was done? My father sighed and I heard him sip from his glass of wine. There was silence between us until he spoke again.
“The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. I didn't think I could've loved anyone like I loved your mother, until I met you.” I closed my eyes. “You always have amazed me. I watched you learn to walk, to talk, to laugh. I love the person you have become. You are intelligent, beautiful and usually, very sensible.” He chuckled at this part.
“When you didn't come home the other night, when we couldn't reach you...I haven't ever felt fear like it. Then Luke came over and told us about this boy you were seeing and I actually hoped you WERE with him.” I opened my eyes in surprise. “The thought of you being with someone who cared about you was a damn sight better than those I was imagining.”
His voice broke a little then and I sat up. He looked over at me, his eyes wet. “Your mother and I didn't sleep at all that night. I wanted to call the police but your mother knew it had something to do with this boy.” He shook his head. “Mothers are always right you know,” He said softly. I stared at my hands. “So anyway Gretchen. We were so worried. I'm sorry you feel so sad, it kills me seeing you this way. I don't want you anywhere near someone who could hurt you.”
My head snapped up at this. “Cal cares about me Dad, he really does. He would never hurt me. I love him Dad.”
He nodded sadly.
“I thought as much. If that’s the case, nothing or no one will keep you apart. So, you have a curfew young lady, but you aren't grounded anymore. One red flag and you are back to grounded. If your grades slide, it stops. Am I clear?”
I threw my arms around him.
“Thank you Dad.”
Immediately I wanted to run to Cal's house, in my pjs, barefooted. I needed him so much I felt like I was slowly dying inside.
He patted my arm and kissed my head.
“Please Gretchen, don't ever do that to us again.”
I squeezed him and nodded. “I won't.”
I wouldn't.
Chapter 11
That winter was the longest I had ever known. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but they also say time heals all wounds. I am not entirely sure which applies to me just yet; if any. I am trying to move forward, but it feels like I am doing it with a rock attached to my back. My dreams are so vivid, so painfully real- bringing intense joy and comfort- only to be shattered upon waking. I sometimes think I see him in crowds of people- I have since read though that this is a form of a coping mechanism, the brain giving us comfort in a time of extreme grief or sadness.
Because that is what this feels like, like he has died.
I walk past his house every day, which is always empty. No sign of life, but no for sale sign either. I've knocked on, peered through windows. I've sat on the porch and sobbed like a mad woman but still, nothing. How could he just leave me? I can only imagine he had no choice, and that terrifies me.
I have found it easier these last few months, I have started skating again, I read more, and I spend a lot of time in my room. I recently got accepted to the college I wanted- I should have been elated, my parents certainly were. Nothing held any excitement for me now. I know it sounds maudlin but I have never felt like I did when I was with Cal. The end of the school year loomed which inevitability brought prom. I had decided I was not going to go. The last time there was a dance was the happiest day of my life- how could I put myself through that again? I had promised to go dress shopping with Rosie and Sienna though, I was so happy for them. So this is where I found myself, in the mall
waiting by the doors impatiently.
I watched an elderly couple laughing together as they walked past me, a private joke only they would understand. The familiar pang in my chest came and I breathed deeply. The one good thing about my new college was its location- it wasn't anywhere near Winterburg and I didn't know anyone who was majoring in Psychology there like I was. I notice Rosie walking towards me, drawing approving glances from a group of guys from the year below us as they called out to her. Her slender frame was encased by jeans that look like they had been sprayed on, with a cropped long sleeved shirt- her skin glowed and her eyes shone. She laughed and came up to me, bringing me into a big hug.
“Hey girl! How are you?! I can't wait to pick my dress! Thank you so much for being here with me, I know it must be really hard for you.”
She stuck her bottom lip out in an attempt at humour to lighten the mood.
I plastered a fake smile on for her, taking her arm as I said,
'Do you have a colour theme?'
We linked arms as we walked in to the mall, the stores all showcasing the most beautiful dresses in the windows.
“Yes and no. I was thinking like, gold? Or maybe red? Like a dark red, obviously.”
She wandered over to look at a dress and I spotted Sienna in the distance.
“Sorry I am late,” she said breathlessly. “How are you Gretchen? I'm so glad you are here today. I need a green dress. Emerald green.”
I held my hands up, laughing.
“Ok, let’s go and see if we can get you both ready for the ball!”
Sienna regarded me sadly.
“I can't believe you aren't coming Gretchen. So many boys would have taken you!”
I shook my head.
“Si, really this isn't as big of thing for me as it is for you so honestly, please don't worry about me...”
I tried not to think about what I would be doing if Cal was here. He would've took me to prom, for sure. I would be picking my dress too. We walked into Camille, one of the larger dress shops.
“So what’s with the green theme Sienna?”
I cleared my throat, desperate to change the subject.
I noticed Rosie texting on her phone, and tried to sneak a peek. She clutched the phone to her chest and giggled.
“Nope, you are not seeing who I am texting.”
I shrugged and walked around, my fingers touching the different fabrics, the embellishments shimmering under the store lights. I turned to see the girls gasping over a deep crimson dress, in a mermaid off the shoulder with split front style. Rosie selected her size and I walked with her to the changing rooms to try it on.
“Omg it is so tight Gretch,” I heard her cursing as she wriggled around. “Almost got it!”
She pulled back the curtain a few minutes later and I gawped at her. “Shit Rosie...”
“How is it possible that this is THE dress?! The FIRST one I have tried on?!”
She twirled around and I clapped my hands.
“You look absolutely amazing, I bet your secret date will feel like the luckiest man in the world!”
She laughed as she fixed a diamond choker around her slender throat. She was beaming, she clearly knew how good she looked.
“I am sure he will. Stop fishing, its tradition in my family that we NEVER share our dates name until the actual prom. Even to my bestie.”
She gave me a puppy dog smile that made me laugh.
I felt a pang of regret that I wouldn't be doing this tonight, but I know there would be no way I could. Rosie went back to get changed and as I came out Sienna passed me in a flurry of green. I sat in the plush red armchair reserved for people giving their verdicts on the dresses, pulling my phone out to see an empty screen. I slid my phone away and smiled as Sienna came out in the first of what would be many dresses.
A few hours later we sat in 'Guilty Pleasures' finishing our delicious ice cream, a comfortable silence between us. We had gossiped about who was going with who to the prom, the latest scandal being that Luke was taking Krystal. It didn't matter to me at all, being with Luke felt like a lifetime ago. The girls hugged me goodbye as they headed off for their hair and makeup appointments. I gulped down tears as they hugged me tightly.
“Ah group hug!” cried Sienna.
“I feel like such a shit friend,” sobbed Rosie as she pulled away. “How can you not be coming to prom....?”
I wiped her eyes and squeezed her hands.
“This is my decision ok, don't you dare let this ruin your night. You will be making memories that you will remember forever! But will you do me a favour? Can you PLEASE text me the name of your date?!” I had a lump in my throat as I said it.
Sienna rolled her eyes and started reeling off names of potential dates to which Rosie ignored.
“Yes, of course. It's just a silly family tradition...” She blushed.
We said our goodbyes and I walked back to the car park, slipping my earphones into the socket of the phone to play my latest mix. I walked down the stairs, not looking where I was going in particular. I came out onto the street, the sky already dull, the clouds dark and the air was charged with the promise of a storm. I huddled my coat around me until I reached the bus stop, music blaring in my ears. I didn't notice the car pull up beside me until it was blocking the bus stop, and I saw a familiar head lean out the window.
“Gretchen, let me give you a lift. Please.”
I took my earphones out and walked over to the car. His blue eyes were full of concern as he motioned to the seat beside him. I just couldn't understand this boy. What makes him think that I would ever get in a car with him again? Better yet, why did he want me to?
“Luke, I would rather walk, you know this. Please leave me alone.”
I went to put my earphones back in when he touched my arm.
“You know what Gretchen, we both kinda fucked up this past year. You really hurt me, you did. But then I was a dick, and I really upset you. I'm truly sorry.”
He sounded genuine and I finally met his gaze with mine.
“I love him Luke. I'm sorry that I hurt you, but you and I have nothing else to say to each other.”
I noticed the hurt in his eyes when he nodded.
“I know, but you know what G, he isn't here, and I am. I just want to be friends.”
He said softly, his eyes on mine. Part of me wanted to scream at him and beg for any information on Cal, but I couldn't bring myself to.
“Thank you Luke, I really do appreciate your offer of a ride. I hope you understand why I am saying no. Have fun tonight.”
I said this as firmly as I could, aware his eyes were still on me. I stepped back as the rain started to fall. He gazed at me for a beat before smiling sadly and then pulled away from the curb with speed.
The bus eventually came towards me like a beacon in the night, and I gratefully climbed on board. I sat by the window and stared out into the darkness, the music filling my ears. I still wasn't able to banish the thoughts in my mind that were ever there, reminding me that once I had felt something instead of this constant state of nothingness. I got off not too much later, the rain heavy now. I thought of my friends in their beautiful dresses having to contend with this weather. My boots disappeared into the small puddles that were forming on the ground as I put my face back to feel the rain on my face. I walked past Cal's house, my heart rate increasing as it always did, to see it shrouded in darkness. I stood for a minute, the tears that fell from my face blending with the rain, making it impossible to tell the difference. Would this pain ever end? Would the thoughts ever go away? I pushed away from the fence, heading towards my own home. The rain was heavy now, I could barely see in front of me. Typical Winterburg rain. I didn't mind it tonight, it soothed my soul.
I could see an orange glow in front of me for a split second and I stopped in my tracks. I searched for it with my eyes but it was gone. More mind tricks Gretchen. Maybe I was finally losing it, hallucinating along with everything else. I shook my head and starte
d to move faster, head down now against the wind. I ran up the drive to my house, peeling off my coat and shouting hello to whomever was home. It was warm and welcoming in the house and I was grateful to be away from the world.
I wandered into the kitchen to find a note from my parents letting me know they had gone out for dinner. I sighed, I knew they felt guilty for my unhappiness, but really it wasn't their fault. I pulled the elastic from my hair and flipped my head over, shaking the curls out. I flipped my head back and left it loose. I headed upstairs, thoughts of a bath and a book coming to mind. I walked into my room which was shrouded in unusual darkness. I frowned, feeling the wall for the light... my fingers brushed the switch and flipped it on. That was better. I slung my dirty clothes into the laundry, unclipping my bra with relief. What was it about taking your bra off at the end of the day? Sheer relief. My phone pinged and I reached over and picked it up. It was Rosie.