Splinters

by M R Field

  I waited by the bus stop for Trin and Trice to arrive. My sister, once her friends arrived, walked by and gave me a horrible look, her eyes burning into mine, which saddened me. Watching her go, I stared at her retreating form, wondering where our family had gone so terribly wrong?

  I was the product of a loveless marriage, where both my parents desired making money over parenting. My parents originally owned a jewellers that had been passed down to my mother from three generations ago. We lived in a small town, so it was the go-to place for locals. As time passed, they encouraged us sternly to take part in music and dance classes to refine our behaviour. Before they divorced, they commandeered all the activities in our lives to ensure that we wouldn’t affect their work commitments. While ignoring us led to my sister’s alternative path of boys, the back seat of cars and questionable choices, I chose to continue with the classes under the guidance of my dear Aunt Cynthia. Perhaps, that was why I wanted to be an actress so much. I knew early on how to disguise what I really felt underneath.

  Even before my father’s infidelity, they were all strangers to me. Surely we had all gotten along, once? I wasn’t always just the fat sister. I furrowed my brow as Calista leaned into one of the dodgy bad boys from the senior campus. Let’s hope there’s no footage of this one this time. Her moral compass was long gone from pointing north. Did our mother care? Not exactly. She chose to ignore it and move on. Our father? Once he had separated himself from us, he’d opened his own jewellery store to rival my mother’s, so unless it was absolutely necessary, (as in never), he by no means made any effort to contact us. That would require dragging his eyeballs from his sale profits.

  “Earth to Ginge, Ginger Ninja, where are you?”

  I blinked as my heart jumped into my throat and focused on a very muscular and familiar arm waving in front of me. Robbie stood there, smiling at me. My cheeks heated in a tell-all blush as I turned to look around him for Trice. The flutter I felt this morning from his message was dulled by the teasing from my sisters. Now, it was made even worse as my awkward shy behaviour reared its ugly head.

  “Is Trice here, yet?” I continued to look over his shoulder, ignoring his smile. That smile made many girls on our campus and the senior one do stupid things. My eyes flicked back and clashed with his confused brow.

  “You, alright, Ginge? Did I piss you off or something when I sent the joke?” He touched my shoulder, squeezing it ever so tightly. I flinched, his touch startling me, and I stepped back.

  “No, it was fine. I’m fine, just … a lot on my mind.” I avoided his gaze as I spotted Trice getting off the bus. She saw me and waved, and I whisked past Robbie, eager to get to my best friend.

  “Hey chick,” she greeted, starting to smile until she saw my face. Her eyes narrowed as she studied me. “Okay, who do I need to kick? Better still, wait for Trin and she’ll maim them.” I laughed, feeling the tension dissipate slightly in my chest.

  “My sisters … my mum, the usual.”

  She narrowed her eyes and pressed her lips together. “What did they do now?”

  “Oh, you know, the fat shaming … the being utterly oblivious. Honestly, it’s a wonder I don’t live with imaginary family, as they would be a lot cooler than who I do live with.”

  I looked away from Trice and saw Robbie standing with Ty and Alex, who were chatting to him, but his eyes were on me, watching me intently. Two arms came around from behind him, wrapped around his waist, and I saw Becca peer out from behind him. My chest hurt and my eyes darted away as Trin came racing over to us. Another reminder of what will never be.

  “I’m sorry, Haze, but your family are a bunch of pricks,” Trice said.

  “All good?” Trin chimed in, surveying my face.

  “Yeah, I’ve just got to lay off the cakes.”

  Trin blew out a breath and waved her hands up and down my body. “Don’t you dare! I’d kill for your boobs and your hair.”

  “And your butt,” Trice added. I giggled, grateful that I had these two loons in my life.

  “Well …” I smiled, looking down at my chest. “You’ll be happy to know that there is more than enough to go around, as I think they’re bigger, again.”

  “You girls are so lucky with your boobs and arses. I have nothing. I’m like a prepubescent boy,” Trinity whined.

  “Bullshit you are. You’re our tiny but fiery gal,” Trice reasoned. We linked arms and passed the boys. I avoided gazing up at the dark eyes I often imagined staring into. I couldn’t bear to see his tender gaze on her. No doubt his skinny mini would be all that was on his mind.

  “Theo! Wait up!” I called out as I spotted my friend walking in the distance. We both had senior music together and usually walked over to the other campus together. He stopped walking and pulled out his earplugs, smiling sheepishly. The girls liked to look at Theo, but he blanked them out.

  “Sorry, Haze, I was distracted by Disarm. That song gets me every time.”

  I laughed as I reached him. “Yeah, Trin gave me a copy of it too. It’s cool.”

  Theo was the other member of our group, but recently, when he’d started seeing his girlfriend, Claire, I hadn’t seen much of him. He was really close with Trinity, and was shy and a bit of an introvert, yet when he performed in music or art class he was amazing.

  I had deliberately chosen two senior classes this year to free up some time later on. Music and Drama were both my strengths, so there was no question I wouldn’t do it.

  We were only a year in age difference from our class mates, but the divas in my class made no qualms about letting me know whose campus it was. High school games of rank—what a joke. Now, several months later, I’d landed several leading roles and they’d shut up. It no longer felt weird walking to class.

  We strolled to the music room, passing the portable classrooms of the outer block. The music room was behind the gym, so it felt like it took forever to get there. I knew by looking up Robbie’s timetable that his class was next to ours. My classes here always coincided with his. As we approached his classroom, I made a point to look at Theo as I spoke to him about our Eisteddfod pieces, and spotted the familiar window getting closer.

  “Yeah …” Theo continued, “I am over practising Sonata K331. Sick of fucking classical music.”

  “But you make Mozart sound so pretty!” I teased, watching him sweep his hair out of his eyes.

  “Pretty? That sure is me … not! I want to be edgy, dammit.” His hand moved to his lip as he rubbed it, looking out toward our classroom. I stared across the way to Robbie’s classroom as he came into focus through an open window, and my heart skipped a beat as I saw that mouth-watering smile. The murmur of his class mates surrounded him while some students moved noisily about. He was swinging back in his seat with his muscular arms behind his head, talking to his teacher who was gesturing to him. Those arms were another part of him I liked. Strong, safe … ugh … moving on. No doubt his teacher was trying to get him to stop leaning back.

  “But sir!” He boisterously gestured, his arms flailing out in front of him. “You aren’t going to give me mouth to mouth if I fall and hit my head? You look like you have soft lips, too.”

  I snorted, looking to the teacher for his reaction, until my eyes flicked back and I saw to my horror, Robbie looking out of the window, no longer swinging but smiling at me. His chin lifted, acknowledging me as he grabbed a pen from behind his ear and waved. I tripped on the path, taking hold of Theo’s sleeve and pulling at him, shuffling to fix my balance.

  “C’mon.” I pulled harder, failing at not looking flustered. “We’re going to be late.”

  “Only if you keep ogling him,” he said, a shy smile forming as his eyebrow raised in the middle.

  “I … I wasn’t,” I stuttered.

  “I don’t get girls. Why you hide from this shit.”

  “I’m not hiding. He’s Trice’s brother, Theo. Nothing else.”

  “Marco … Polo … Quit hiding,” he teased, nudging me with his should
er.

  I narrowed my eyes at him and pulled him again.

  “For a guy who doesn’t talk a lot, you’re talking too much right now.” I pinched his arm and pulled him tighter, reaching the steps of our classroom.

  “Alright, alright! Quit rippin’ my jumper. Alan will get jealous.”

  I groaned. Alan was my little admirer. He had been actively flirting with me since I’d started here, and coincidentally had a lot of my classes. I mostly used Theo as a buffer.

  We climbed the steps of the air-conditioned room, just in time to cool the hot blush that once again covered my cheeks after seeing Robbie.

  We took our seats in the performance room. It was set up in a U shape, facing our teacher, Ms Rebina. She was fun and dynamic, and was eager to push us. She stood quietly, using her index finger to count the members of the class.

  “Ah, Miss, wouldn’t it be easier to just login and do the roll?” Arty, a quirky saxophonist, quipped, while crossing his leg onto his knee.

  “Ugh,” she moaned. “I hate logging in. It takes forever. I’ll do it in a sec, you’re all here now.”

  We waited as she collected a pile of papers from her desk. “These are the times for your solo exams. I know some of you are using your Eisteddfod piece, but keep in mind that the performances are a week apart. Please do not slack off once you have completed one of them.”

  I reached forward to grab a piece of paper as she passed. My exam time was directly after my admirer, Alan’s. I folded the paper and tucked it into my planner, and waited for the hustle of the class to die down.

  Theo drummed his fingertips on his knees beside me, and I smiled. Alan, who had sat next to him, leaned forward and pointed to his sheet, gesturing non-verbally about our times. I smiled politely and nodded. Why do the ones we don’t want, seem to cling like a second skin?

  I adjusted my skirt in my seat, eager to get my practise number done. We were using today’s lesson to showcase our numbers for peer feedback. The exams were only a few weeks away, but now it was up to us to hone in on any necessary adjustments. The thing with performing arts was your classmates appeared to support you, but were quick to cut your throat the second you made a teeny, tiny error. Your crescendo could be infallible, yet at the end there was always a “… but next time, maybe try” or “that was perfect except for …” Every. Single. Time.

  “Right, Theo, you’re up. Let’s hear it.”

  “Oh, is it Greensleeves?” Alan mocked, winking at me from the other side of Theo. I turned my head away from his gaze and faced Theo.

  “I only play eighth grade pieces, Alan. I save the kids’ pieces for you.” Theo drew his arms in front of him and cracked his knuckles before taking a seat at the piano.

  “Now remember,” Ms Rebina moved closer to him, explaining, “Feel the piece. You need to make the audience want to be in your shoes.”

  “Okay,” Theo muttered softly, flicking his hair to cover his face. His fingers began to play and the class fell silent. The gentle notes tickled my eardrums as music surrounded me. It was a tender, happy, light piece that conflicted completely with Theo’s grunge appeal. He looked out of sorts, even though he was quiet, he was dark.

  The soft keys continued, and I almost felt lethargic until his hands began to fly across the keyboard in a rapid but still gentle symmetry, with Theo’s eyebrow raising being the only emotion he exhibited. He was the youngest in class, but was the best pianist by far.

  “That was fantastic, Theo!” Ms Rebina gushed. “But make sure you show more emotion.”

  Every. Single. Time.

  We continued watching other performances until eventually my teacher summoned me.

  “Remember, Hazel, feel this song. I want you to be her.”

  I nodded and gave her the CD to cue the music to. I had chosen a well-known musical number that packed a punch emotionally. I was going to sing “On my Own”, as sung by Éponine from Les Misérables. Not many from our country town knew it, but I didn’t care. If I had chosen “Memory” from Cats or something from Annie, they’d be all over it. But that wasn’t me.

  The sad thing was, I didn’t need to pretend. I felt all too familiar with Éponine’s struggles.

  I nodded to my teacher and stood straight, facing the class. There, ten pairs of eyes stared back at me. The senior girls who used to bait me now waited out of curiosity.

  I discreetly wet my lips as I waited for the introduction bars to commence. I straightened and began to sing softly, focusing on the poster behind Theo’s head as I thought about how alone I felt standing there. How each day was spent fussing about how I looked or what I could do to get my mother to notice me while I struggled to feel any warmth. How I couldn’t get my father to return my calls, as I missed him even as the sting of betrayal lingered whenever his name was mentioned.

  My voice began to change into a stronger, deeper alto as I thought about how little I wanted to be there. How much I wished I were on a real stage, with a real audience who I could sing to, without worrying about future competitions, proving myself against the cliquey theatre girls while they made fun of the colour of my ‘stupid’ hair.

  I continued to sing and my thoughts naturally turned to Robbie. I focussed on the ridiculous attention he paid me about my pathetic blush and the fiery colouring of my hair, knowing it meant nothing to him and everything to me. Robbie was the only one that I didn’t care if he teased me. It meant he paid attention. I felt the tremor in my voice as I thought of moments where he had tenderly kissed his mother on the cheek, or hugged his sister playfully, or lit up the room with his effervescent stories. All painful reminders of what I would never have. My illusion, the idea of a soul mate, was so entrenched in my fantasy that the thought of letting him go, wrecked me.

  My mind whirled into my own personal hell when I pictured the love he gave the woman who laid with him. My chest throbbed to be that woman and have that moment where no one else existed but us, but I knew it was a reckless thought. How I stood here gutless, singing to a hapless class while lying to my best friend daily about my secret crush on her brother for fear that she would abandon me. How if he approached me, wanting a moment, I would risk my heart, risk the pain of abandonment afterwards, just so I could have that time with him. I sang in despair as I’d wasted that precious time with him this morning, letting my sisters words get to me, again. My pathetic, worthless piece of self-worth.

  I continued to sing and felt it push through me in such a hard wave that my fists curled and my nails dug into my palms. No, I would leave here and leave all that had compounded my loneliness. My desire to leave and be bigger than this school and this community ran through me like a spirited runner, with the finish line in sight. I became untouchable for a moment, not the shy, lonely, redhead.

  The song ended and my chest heaved savagely. My hand moved up and curled into my collar as my breathing slowed and I patted my chest twice. It was the one thing I did after each performance, whether on- or off-stage. I smiled at Theo as a wet coolness on my cheek startled me, and my fingertips moved to discover a trail of teardrops.

  “My God, Hazel …” Ms Rebina’s voice wavered. “That was exquisite.”

  I blinked rapidly and smiled, knowingly awaiting the suspected criticism, and asked, “But?”

  She shook her head repeatedly, her wavering voice clearing the air. “Just … um, be able to do that again.”

  I smiled as I felt my eyes touch upon Theo. He grinned back at me. I walked briskly back to my seat and Theo’s hand squeezed my knee in comfort. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face and grabbed my planner to keep my fingers busy. A shadow loomed to my right and I turned to see Robbie standing there in the doorway with Ty, both staring at me. I froze, not sure why they were even here until the shrill of the bell sounded, alerting me to the conclusion of the day’s class.

  Students began gathering their belongings around me as my hands trembled from the rush of adrenaline. I collected my books, and the shiver of vulnerability tickled my
spine, leaving me unable to evade them as they stand close, preparing to move out. Their gazes follow my every movement.

  I slowly rose from my seat, pulling my dress down over the backs of my legs, then clutched my books to my chest as I made my way towards the exit. Ty shuffled against the frame, while Robbie moved to the side to let me pass, but he softly grabbed my elbow and steered me closer to him. There those deep brown eyes gazed into mine, his brow furrowed as he looked me over. Too close. He was too close.

  “We walked past and heard your voice.”

  I moved my eyes to his throat and watched him swallow.

  His breath felt like a gentle kiss against my cheek. “Then we saw you were upset.”

  My eyes trailed back up until I was transfixed as I stared back into the pools of molten chocolate that would fill my dreams of later tonight, like a fragmented movie reel.

  “You can sing fucking loud,” Ty butted in. “You have some lungs on ya, Ginge.” Robbie flinched and looked away from me, reaching out with his other arm and flicking the back of Ty’s head.

  “Her name’s Hazel, dickhead.”

  “Okay, guys. Thanks for stopping by. I … I’m fine.” I attempted to smile brightly, but I knew my eyes showed differently. I swallowed and nodded at them both. “It’s acting.” I waved my other hand in the air, whimsically and continued, “I just got caught up in the moment.”

  I reached down and reluctantly patted Robbie’s arm, signalling for him to release my elbow. “Thanks for caring. See ya!”

  Ty grinned at me as he openly ogled my chest. I walked quickly past them with Theo in tow, neither of us saying a word as we strode back across campus. I fear that if I did speak, those chocolate eyes would have me hypnotised into an emotional stupor, where I’d utter many caged secrets my heart had kept hidden for far too long.

  Autumn, 2014

  I slam that front door closed and wheel the suitcase along, hoping that the taxi has arrived out the front. It’s been four years since I left my hometown in Australia, and still those memories mean more to me than the last four years here in London, did. I blink and push through the main doors to face my journey home. To where I’ll be working together with the unattainable guy. Back to reality and back to the guy who probably thinks he knows me deeper than I do myself.