Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2)

by Robert Kroese

  “He’s not lying,” I said. “Rex doesn’t have an introspective bone in his body. He’s all surface.”

  “What about you?” asked the woman, turning toward me. “Have you thought—”

  “Sasha’s a robot,” snapped Rex. “She’s not allowed to think. Anyway, you’re wasting your time, because robots don’t have souls.”

  “But you just said that—”

  “Logical consistency isn’t his strong point either,” I interrupted. “Look, this is pointless. Rex Nihilo isn’t going to join your cult because he’s already a charter member of the Cult of Rex Nihilo.”

  “Yeah, what the robot said!” shouted Rex. He turned to me. “Is that a real thing?” he asked hopefully. “The Cult of Rex Nihilo?”

  “Well, yes,” I said, “but it’s still pretty informal at this point.”

  “Hey!” cried Rex. “Do you guys want to join my cult? It’s totally informal, so no pressure or anything.”

  “What do you believe in?” asked the young man dubiously.

  “Oh, man, we believe in some really great stuff,” said Rex. “For starters, me. Like, if I tell you to do something, you totally have to do it. But here’s the great thing about it. Because I was the one who told you to do it, you know it’s the right thing to do!”

  “Hmm,” said the young man.

  “We’re already members of a cult,” said the woman. “I don’t think we’re allowed to join another one.”

  “Well, you’d obviously have to quit the cult you’re in,” said Rex. “How great could it be anyway? Your efforts to convert us so far have been pathetically ineffective, and meanwhile I’ve managed to rope you into my cult without even really trying.”

  The man and woman exchanged confused glances. The woman began, “I don’t think we’re actually interested in joining your—”

  “I’ll give you my spaceship,” said Rex.

  “Sir!” I exclaimed. “Please, you can’t keep giving away everything we have!”

  The two cultists appeared to be stunned. “You’re going to give us your spaceship?” the woman asked. “Just for joining your cult?” The man gazed open-mouthed at the ship. The Flagrante Delicto wasn’t in great shape, but it was nothing to sneeze at.

  “No, no,” replied Rex. “I’m going to give you my spaceship regardless of whether you join my cult. Sasha, hand over the keys.”

  “Sir, please!” I exclaimed.

  “Do it, Sasha.”

  I sighed and handed over the keys to the woman. The two cultists were speechless.

  “Come on, Sasha,” Rex said. “Let’s get something to eat. You two can come with us, but you have to join my cult. What’s it called again, Sasha?”

  “Sir,” I protested. “We don’t have any money.”

  “Oh,” Rex replied, a look of concern coming over his face momentarily. “Well, I’m sure we’ll figure something out. You kids have fun with your spaceship. Just try to remember that it won’t make you happy.” He flashed them a smile and began walking away. Not knowing what else to do, I followed.

  Chapter Two

  “Wait!” the young man cried, as we walked away. “Come back to our compound for dinner.”

  “Ugh,” said Rex, stopping and turning to look distastefully at the pair. “I’m not big on compounds.”

  “Please,” the woman said. “You have no money, and you have been so generous to us. Let us at least give you some food and a place to sleep tonight.”

  “Sir,” I said, turning to Rex. “I’m no fonder of these cults than you are, but I think we should take advantage of this offer. I have no need for food, but you’re going to need to eat soon. And now that we no longer have a spaceship, you’ll need to find a place to sleep.” I’ve been around Rex when he hasn’t eaten for several hours, and as difficult as it is to imagine, hungry Rex is several orders of magnitude more irritable than normal Rex. Tired and hungry Rex is even worse.

  “Fine,” said Rex, turning to face the two robed individuals. “But I’m not converting to your stupid cult.”

  “You are under no obligation,” said the man. “But we would very much like to demonstrate our gratitude to you. And I’m certain that our leader will want to thank you in person for the gift of your spaceship.”

  “I am pretty great,” Rex agreed. “Fine. Sasha, let’s go eat with the nutty cultists.”

  “Very good, sir.” I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of spending the evening with these people, but at least it would delay Rex’s hunger-fueled tantrum for a few hours. And maybe it would give me enough time to figure out what in Space had gone wrong with him. I wish I could remember what had happened to us. I had a feeling that Rex’s pathological generosity was somehow linked to our collective amnesia, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint the cause of either.

  “My name is Skylar,” said the woman. “This is Danny. We’re adepts of the Collective of the Inverted Ego.”

  “Rex Nihilo,” said Rex. “This is Sasha. I’m the greatest wheeler-dealer in the galaxy. Sasha is some kind of robot.”

  “We are humbled to meet two such enlightened beings,” said Skylar. “Your gift to the Collective will be much appreciated and long-remembered. Please, come with us.”

  We followed the two cultists back to their hovercar. Skylar drove us to their compound, which was just a nondescript farmhouse a few kilometers from the spaceport. On the way to the door, we passed several simply dressed laborers raking and hoeing. They waved and smiled at us.

  “Don’t you simpletons know there are robots for this sort of work?” Rex yelled.

  “We believe that honest labor is good for the soul,” Skylar answered, as she opened the door to the house.

  “Well, of course,” said Rex. “But you know what’s even better for the soul? Enjoying a martini while robots do your honest labor for you.”

  Danny looked back at us with a frown as he followed Skylar into the house. “That seems a bit insensitive to Sasha, Rex.”

  Rex shrugged. “Sasha doesn’t have feelings. Anyway, I was talking about the useful sort of robot.”

  I sighed.

  The cultists led us inside the house, where several more yellow-robed individuals were lounging about, reading, knitting or working on various other sorts of handiwork. “Please, have a seat,” said Skylar. “I will tell His Incomparable Magnanimity you are here.”

  Rex and I sat down on a couch as Skylar disappeared upstairs.

  “Can I get you something?” asked Danny.

  “A martini would be nice,” said Rex.

  “No alcohol is allowed on the premises,” Danny answered. “How about a nice apple juice?”

  “Well, it’s been a really great visit,” said Rex, getting to his feet.

  “Please, sir,” I said. “It won’t kill you to not to have a drink for a few hours.” I had no empirical basis for this statement other than my general knowledge of human biology.

  Rex grumbled and sat down. “I’ll take an apple juice,” he said.

  Danny nodded and left the room.

  Rex felt around in his pockets for a moment, coming up with a small metal flask. “Aha!” he exclaimed, opening the flask and sniffing delightedly at the contents. Danny returned and handed him a glass of apple juice. Rex filled the glass to the brim with the liquid from the flask.

  “Is that liquor, Rex?” asked Danny. “I’m afraid I can’t allow you to consume alcohol on the premises.”

  “Okay,” said Rex. “Here, take it.” He handed Danny the glass. “Oh, and this too,” he said, holding out the flask.

  “I will have to pour out your drink,” said Danny. “I can store the flask until you leave.”

  “Keep it,” said Rex. “Material things will never make me happy anyway, no matter how badly I have to have a drink right now.” He gritted his teeth and did his best to smile. Danny nodded, taking the flask. He left the room again.

  Turning to me, Rex whispered, “Sasha, what in Space is wrong with me? I just gave away my drink!”

/>   “That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out, sir. Something seems to have scrambled your materialistic impulses. You keep giving away everything you have.”

  “Just as well,” Rex replied. “Material things will never… Sasha, make it stop!”

  As he spoke, a middle-aged gentleman in a forest green robe descended from the stairs. He walked toward Rex and held out his hand. “Greetings, visitors,” the man said. “I am His Incomparable Magnanimity, the leader of the Society of the Introverted Ego. You can call me HIM.”

  Rex got to his feet. “Hi, HIM,” he said. “I’m Rex Nihilo. This is my robot, Sasha. You can have her if you want.”

  “Sir!” I exclaimed.

  “That won’t be necessary,” said HIM. “My adept tells me you have already been quite generous to our little cult. Is it true you’ve given us a spaceship?”

  “Yep,” said Rex. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s an older ship, but she flies real nice, and she’s all yours.” Rex shot me a desperate glance, as if begging me to intervene.

  “I’m curious,” said HIM, shaking Rex’s hand. “Where did you hear about the Collective of the Introverted Ego?”

  “At the spaceport,” Rex replied. “From Skylar and what’s-his-face.”

  HIM stared at Rex. “You mean you’d never heard of our cult before coming to Numar’s?”

  “That’s right,” said Rex.

  “But if you know nothing of our work, then why did you give us your spaceship?”

  “Material things will never make me happy,” Rex replied. He smiled weakly and shot another glance at me.

  “But you must be very wealthy, if you can afford such a gift?”

  “Nope,” said Rex. “Dirt poor. Gave my last forty-eight credits to a baggage handler. All I’ve got left is the clothes on my back. Speaking of which, you look like about a thirty-eight long.” Rex began to undress.

  “Please, sir,” I said. “Don’t do that.”

  “And take this damn robot too,” said Rex.

  “Sir!”

  But there was no stopping him. Soon Rex was standing completely naked in the living room, holding out his clothes to the cult leader. I noticed that a ring of cultists had formed around us, and many of them were gasping and whispering to one another.

  “Silence!” HIM snapped. “Please, Rex. Put your clothes back on.”

  “Your Magnanimity,” said Danny. “Surely you are not turning down a gift freely given.”

  A troubled look came over HIM’s face. “These are special circumstances,” he said. “We can’t have a guest standing naked in our living room.”

  Danny seemed doubtful. Confused murmuring arose from the other cultists.

  “Fine,” HIM said. “Take the man’s clothes and distribute them among the members. And get the man a robe.”

  Danny gathered up Rex’s clothes and began handing out articles of clothing to the assembled members. Another cultist approached Rex with a light blue terrycloth robe, attempting to drape it over Rex’s shoulders. Rex shrugged it off.

  “I have no need of material possessions!” Rex cried, darting naked across the room. The man with the robe followed him.

  “I’m afraid I must insist,” HIM said. “We can’t have you streaking around the compound.”

  Two other cultists grabbed Rex by the arms and the three of them managed, after a monumental struggle, to get the robe on Rex. One of them knotted the belt tightly around Rex’s waist. Rex clawed impotently at the fabric.

  A bemused expression came over HIM’s face. “I see what you’re trying to do, Rex,” HIM said. “I should have known as soon as Skylar told me about your ‘gift.’ Every so often someone shows up from off planet, trying to pull this trick. I’m warning you: think carefully before you proceed down this path.”

  “Okay,” said Rex. “But first can you help me get this robe off?”

  HIM sighed. “This ruse is getting tiresome,” he said. “Do you even own that spaceship?”

  “Not anymore,” Rex said. “I gave it to you guys.”

  “With the expectation of a sizable return on your investment, no doubt. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Mr. Nihilo. I suppose you think you’re quite clever, trying to take advantage of a group of inbred cultists on a backwater planet. But we’re not as stupid as you think.”

  “Maybe we should compare notes on that,” Rex said.

  I wasn’t sure exactly what was happening, but I could sense things weren’t going anywhere good. “You’ll have to forgive Rex,” I said. “He hasn’t really been himself lately. It’s actually rather ironic, considering how materialistic Rex ordinarily is. It’s like a switch has been flipped in his brain, reversing his natural impulses.”

  Gasps went up from the assembled cultists. I had the feeling I had said exactly the wrong thing.

  “Your Magnanimity,” said a cultist to my left, addressing HIM. “I invoke the Test.” Murmurs of surprise and approval arose from the group.

  “Quiet!” HIM barked. “Don’t be ridiculous. The Test hasn’t been given for years. It’s a quaint relic from the early days of this organization. Can’t you see this man is a con artist?”

  “I second the invocation,” said another cultist.

  HIM sighed. The murmuring grew louder. It was clear that whatever the Test was, support was growing for giving it to Rex.

  “All right, all right,” said HIM at last. “Let’s get this over with. You’re all going to feel very foolish in a moment. Cecilia, fetch the Box.”

  A young female cultist shuffled out of the room, returning after a moment with a plain wooden box about the size of a person’s head. It had two metal handles on top. I noticed, however, that Cecilia carried the box by its base. She approached Rex.

  “What is happening?” I whispered to Skylar, who stood next to me.

  Skylar replied, “There is an ancient prophecy that a stranger will come to us from off world, a man who was once consumed by greed, but who has renounced his former ways. The Test will determine if Rex is the one foretold by the prophecy.”

  “Please put your hands on the handles, Rex,” HIM said.

  “What’s this all about?” Rex asked. “You’re not giving me this box, are you? Because while it’s a really neat box, I couldn’t possibly accept it.”

  “No,” HIM replied. “The Box is merely a tool. It’s just a formality, Rex. This will all be over with presently.”

  Rex reluctantly put his hands on the handles.

  “Very good,” said HIM. “Now, I want you to focus on the one thing that you want the most in the whole universe.”

  “I don’t want anything,” Rex said. “Material things—”

  “Yes, yes,” HIM said irritably. “Put that all aside for a moment. If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Absolutely anything?”

  “Hmm,” Rex said, his brow furrowing in thought. “I suppose a… ooh!”

  “What are you seeing, Rex?” HIM asked.

  “It’s… it’s so beautiful,” Rex gasped, staring into the empty space above the box. His eyes were welling with tears.

  “We can’t see it, Rex,” said HIM. “What is it?”

  “It’s… I can’t even describe it,” Rex said, his voice barely above a whisper.

  “Please try.”

  “It’s like someone mixed matter and energy together in a cosmic cocktail mixing glass, filled the glass with cubes of time, and then strained it into a martini glass the size of the universe.”

  HIM frowned. “You’re seeing…”

  “A cosmic martini,” said Rex, still wide-eyed. “My God, it’s full of olives.”

  “Very good,” said HIM. “Now what I want you to do is to take a sip from that martini.”

  Rex’s eyes went even wider, and a grin spread across his face. His hands were still on the metal handles, but I could see that he was imagining that he was bringing the martini glass to his lips.

  HIM nodded and smiled. Disappointed murmurs arose from
the group.

  Then Rex’s smile disappeared. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just don’t feel right about enjoying this martini while the rest of you don’t have one. How about if we pass it around and each take a sip. It’s okay if I don’t get any.”

  Shocked gasps arose from the group. HIM stood stunned, his mouth agape.

  “Hey, what happened?” asked Rex, a puzzled expression on his face. “The martini disappeared.” He took his hands off the handles. “Did I fail?”

  “No, Rex,” said Skylar, with a smile. “You passed.”

  The next thing I knew, Rex and HIM were being stripped of their robes. The cultists put HIM’s forest green robe on Rex and Rex’s light blue robe on HIM. Rex fought even harder this time. The cultists ended up having to staple the robe together to keep it on him. They escorted the stunned HIM to the exit and tossed him outside, slamming the door behind him.

  “What in Space just happened?” I asked.

  “The prophecy says that the stranger from off world will be known to us by his great generosity. He will pass the Test of the Object of Desire, rejecting the thing that he wants the most for the good of the Collective. The one who is able to completely negate his own self will lead the Collective to its destiny.”

  “This can’t be happening,” I said. “Trust me, Skylar, there’s been a mistake. Rex Nihilo is not the man you think he is.”

  Skylar smiled at me. “There is no Rex Nihilo, Sasha. There is only HIM.”

  Chapter Three

  Rex paced anxiously back and forth in the small office. “This is no good, Sasha,” he muttered. “I’m going to go crazy here.” He frowned anxiously at a sheaf of papers in his hands.

  “I know, sir,” I said. “But don’t worry, we’ll get out of this place one way or another.” Rex was now effectively a prisoner in the compound. The Collective of the Inverted Ego had claimed him as their leader, and they’d made it clear they weren’t going to let him slip away. The only good news was that he seemed to have acquiesced to the idea of keeping the robe on, at least for now.

  “That’s not what I’m talking about,” Rex snapped. “I mean it’s going to drive me bonkers if I can’t give away all the material goods I’ve acquired. Do you have any idea how much stuff this cult owns? Besides this compound, they’ve got real estate all over the city. Plus hovercars, various holdings off world and a surprisingly well-balanced portfolio of stocks and bonds.”