Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2)

by Robert Kroese

  “And you’re certain Vlaak won’t be where you told him to go?” I asked.

  “Not a chance. I’m a huge liar. Trust me.”

  I wasn’t at all convinced by Rex’s logic, but Heinous Vlaak isn’t exactly inconspicuous. I figured if he was at the Event Horizon when we got there, we’d know it. Vlaak seemed far more interested in Hookbeard than in us anyway.

  As it happened, Vlaak was nowhere to be seen when we arrived at the Event Horizon. Hookbeard and his crew were already well into their celebrations. We approached their table, and Hookbeard stood up with a start when he saw Rex approaching.

  “What the devil are you doing here, Malgastar?” Hookbeard roared.

  “Calm down, Hookbeard,” Rex said. “I’m just looking for some of that cargo you unloaded.”

  “I claimed that booty fair and square!” Hookbeard growled. “That ship was abandoned.”

  “Nobody is questioning your claim to the booty,” Rex said. “I just want to know where it is.”

  “And why would I tell you that?” Hookbeard asked.

  “Because I have some very useful information for you,” Rex replied. “It might even save your life.”

  “Fine. Give me the information and I’ll tell you what I know about the booty.”

  “Tell me where the booty is first.”

  “How do I know your information is worth it?”

  “You don’t. Look, if you want to get out of here alive, you’re just going to have to trust me.”

  “What do you mean?” Hookbeard asked. “Is someone coming here to kill me? Is that the information you have?”

  “No,” said Rex. “I mean, maybe. Let me put it this way: if I knew that someone was coming here to kill you, that would be pretty valuable information, right?”

  “Nobody move!” shrieked a high-pitched voice from the front of the bar.

  Heinous Vlaak had found us.

  Chapter Twelve

  Hookbeard, who seemed to have taken Rex’s warning more seriously than Rex did, was already halfway to the rear door, and his men were close behind.

  Boggs and I hesitated, waiting to see if Rex was going to try to talk his way out of this situation as well. After a moment, he seemed to decide against this course of action. “Run!” Rex cried. I ran after him, with Boggs bringing up the rear.

  “I said nobody move!” Vlaak screeched. “Why is everybody doing the opposite of what I said to do?”

  Rex went through the door and I followed close behind. We found ourselves in an alley. From our left, four more marines were approaching. To our right the alley dead-ended in a chain-link fence. Despite his peg, Hookbeard had somehow managed to scale it. He dropped out of sight on the other side, and his men followed close behind.

  It was clear we weren’t going to escape. Rex’s hesitation had cost us valuable milliseconds.

  The fact that the marines hadn’t yet opened fire indicated that Vlaak wanted us alive. That was little consolation: Vlaak was an expert in torture, and he would undoubtedly kill us as soon as he had no more use for us. We were trapped between the approaching marines and Hookbeard’s men, who were struggling to get over the fence.

  “I’ll hold them off,” Boggs said, putting his back up against the door we’d just come through. “You and Potential Friend should go.”

  “Boggs,” I said, “you don’t have to do that. You don’t know what Heinous Vlaak will do to you. If we stick together—”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Boggs said. “Pirates are not friends. Marines are not friends. You and Potential Friend are friends. I will go nuts and help my friends.”

  Even Rex seemed a little touched by this gesture. “Thanks, Boggs,” he said, patting Boggs on the arm. “Good luck.” He ran toward the fence and began climbing. I gave Boggs a salute and then followed.

  We scrambled over the fence as fast as we could, without looking back. At any moment I expected to be hit by a lazegun blast. Even given the notoriously bad aim of Malarchian marines, if they opened fire at this distance, sheer probability dictated that we’d soon be full of holes. But no one fired. We clambered over the top of the fence and landed on the other side. Hookbeard’s crew was already disappearing around a corner.

  “Come on,” Rex shouted, unnecessarily. We kept running. Behind us, I heard the sounds of a scuffle, but didn’t dare look back. Rex and I ran for several blocks before stopping behind a building.

  “I think we lost them,” Rex said.

  “I hope so,” I replied. “What happened back there, sir?”

  “Apparently I’m more trustworthy than I realized.”

  “I don’t mean with Vlaak. I mean why did you hesitate? I thought you were going to try to talk your way out of there.”

  “I was. Then I thought better of it.”

  “Sir, you’ve never thought better of anything in your life. Having second thoughts isn’t like you.”

  “Forget it, Sasha,” Rex snapped. “We all make mistakes. Like that time you ejected our Frozen Friend into space.”

  “Aye, sir,” I said. It wasn’t worth arguing about. “What now, sir?”

  “Let’s get back to the Flagrante Delicto. Maybe Donny will show up.”

  “But sir, you said—”

  “I know what I said! I’m having an off day, Sasha. Drop it.” Rex stomped off, and I went after him.

  Rex is prone to bouts of depression, but they usually don’t occur in the middle of one of our adventures. Frankly, I was starting to worry. Rex wasn’t the sort to wait around for something to happen. As frustrating as he can be, indecisiveness is not ordinarily one of his weaknesses.

  We had no money, so we had to walk back to the spaceport. We’d only gone a few blocks when we were accosted by a street vendor with a cart full of junk.

  “Hey, man,” the unkempt man said as Rex approached. “Looks like your robot needs a new arm.”

  “She’s fine,” Rex said. “She likes her hook. Come on, Sasha.”

  Rex kept going, but I stopped in front of the cart. “Do you have a robot arm?” I asked.

  “Sure,” the guy said. “I’ve got five of them. They’re a little small, but maybe you could string two of them together.”

  “What did you say?” Rex asked, suddenly interested.

  “I said I’ve got five little robot arms.”

  “Do you have any other robot parts?”

  “Well, I have a head and a torso, but your robot already has those.” He opened a compartment in the cart and inside was a pile of familiar-looking robot parts.

  “Donny!” Rex cried. “What have you done with him?”

  The guy shrugged. “This is how I found him.”

  Donny picked up the lifeless head. “Donny, can you hear me?”

  There was no reply.

  Rex slammed the head against the edge of the cart.

  “Hey!” yelled the vendor. “You can’t—”

  Donny’s eyes lit up. “Hello,” Donny said. “I am Donny. Donny believes in himself, despite having no arms and no body.”

  “Very good, Donny,” Rex said. “What happened to you?”

  “Donny clung to the bottom of the truck until the truck reached a building. Then a man pried Donny off the truck with a stick. Donny fell to the ground and the man dragged him out from under the truck. Then GAP IN MEMORY OF INDETERMINITE DURATION. Then Donny was here, talking to Rex and Sasha.”

  “Can you tell us where the… hey!”

  The street vendor grabbed Donny’s head away from Rex, shoved it back in the compartment and slammed the door. “No talking to the merchandise! You want information, you pay!”

  Donny’s voice droned on inside the cart, but we couldn’t make out what he was saying.

  “He’s our robot!” Rex snapped.

  “You got any proof of that?”

  Rex fumed silently for a moment. “How much do you want for him?”

  “Three hundred credits.”

  “Three hundred credits! That’s insane. He wasn’t worth
that much when he was intact.”

  A disappointed sound came from the cart.

  “Believe in yourself, Donny!” Rex yelled. “What if I trade you my robot for him?”

  “Sir!” I exclaimed.

  “Relax, Sasha,” Rex said. “It’s just temporary. I’ll get Donny to tell me where the cargo is. We’ll steal it back, sell some of it, and I’ll buy you back.”

  “Your robot’s missing an arm,” the vendor said. “And it seems kind of ornery.”

  “She won’t give you any trouble,” Rex said.

  “I will,” I said. “I will absolutely give you trouble.” I grabbed an I <3 Xagnon t-shirt from the cart, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it. “You see?” I said. “That was a perfectly nice t-shirt, and I have ruined it, because I am trouble. And that was merely a small taste of the sort of shenanigans I’m capable of.”

  “No deal,” said the vendor. “And you owe me twenty credits for the shirt.”

  “Damn it, Sasha!”

  “How about your parrot?”

  “Squawky? I can’t give you Squawky! Other than Donny, he’s the best robot friend I’ve ever had.”

  “No air,” said Squawky. “Can’t breathe.”

  “That’s adorable!” said the vendor. “Give me the bird and I’ll give you the robot’s head and three arms.”

  “Four arms,” said Rex.

  “Okay, three of his forearms.”

  “He has five arms.”

  “Right. I’ll give you three of them. Then we’ll call it even.”

  “That’s odd. I need at least four.”

  “Four! I’ll never get ahead that way.”

  “If you want the head, I’ll need all four arms.”

  “All forearms? Now that’s odd.”

  “Why? Are you planning on giving me the fifth?”

  “No, I’m taking the fifth.”

  “You can’t take the fifth. Answer the question.”

  “Which question?”

  “The one about the four arms.”

  “What four?”

  “That’s none of your business. I need the arms.”

  “Then I’ll be armless.”

  “Mostly armless. You’ll still have the fifth.”

  “I’m not sure how much more of this arm talk I can bear.”

  “Bearing arms is the second. Do you want the fifth or the second?”

  “All three.”

  “You can’t take three rights. That’s one left.”

  “That’s true. Fine, take all the arms.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I feel a lot better getting all that off my chest.”

  “What are you going to do with a chest and no arms?”

  “You can have the chest too.”

  “You’re not going to fight me for the chest?”

  The man shrugged. “I was going to, but my heart’s not in it.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I followed Rex down the sidewalk, holding Donny’s chest and arms in front of me. Rex held Donny’s head out in front of him so Donny could give us directions to the warehouse where the booty from the Raina Huebner had been stored. Credit where it’s due, Donny recalled the route to the warehouse perfectly. There was a fence around the building and a guard station at the front, so we went around to the back. We tossed Donny’s parts over the fence and then climbed over after them.

  Other than the guard at the front of the building, nobody seemed to be watching the place, and we heard no activity from within. Unfortunately, all the doors were locked. The only way in appeared to be an open window on the third floor.

  “Donny could climb,” Donny said, “if Donny had his arms.”

  “Sasha, do you think you can put Donny’s arms back on?”

  “I think so,” I said.

  I spent the next hour reassembling Donny. He walked in circles several times to test his limbs.

  “Donny is better,” Donny announced.

  “Excellent, Donny,” said Rex. “Get in there and open the back door for us.”

  “Donny will try.” He ran to the building and began to climb, his feet-hands pulling his body up the brick wall. He disappeared through the window, and a few minutes later the door opened. Rex and I went inside. We were in a vast warehouse filled with crates and boxes. Other than Donny, it appeared to be deserted. Parked just inside a large sliding door was the hovertruck we’d seen at the spaceport. We approached it and opened the door to the cargo compartment. Inside were several crates and a what looked like a horizontal freezer. Through a tiny window in the cryo chamber I could make out a face with human features, but that was about it. There were no markings of any kind on the outside.

  “Okay,” said Rex. “Let’s thaw this poor bastard out and see who we’re dealing with.”

  “Is that wise, sir?” I asked. “Perhaps we should just deliver him to Pepper as-is.”

  “I’m not delivering anything until I know who he is and why Pepper wants him so badly. What if I’m getting screwed on the price? How am I going to know how much he’s worth if I don’t know who he is?”

  “Point taken, sir,” I said. “But perhaps we should wait until we’re safely away from the Ursa Minor Mafia.”

  “Fine,” said Rex glumly, “but I’m opening some of these other crates.”

  Donny and I watched while Rex opened several of the crates. Most of them contained nothing of interest, but one was full of hand grenades and another of stun guns. Rex stuffed one of the stun guns in his waistband. “Okay, let’s get out of here.”

  “Sir?” I asked. “How are we going to transport the cryo chamber?”

  “We’re going to take the truck, obviously. Donny, open that door.”

  Rex and I got into the cab while Donny opened the sliding door. Then he skittered across the floor and joined us in the truck. Rex pulled out of the warehouse and we drove up to the front gate.

  The guard exited the guardhouse and walked up to Rex. “Papers,” he said.

  “This is a special shipment,” Rex said. “We don’t have papers.”

  “Everybody has papers,” the guard said.

  “Look,” said Rex. “We’ve got a load of stuff that came from the Raina Huebner, got it? The Malarchy is in town and it’s only a matter of time before they show up here. Do you really want to be the one to explain to the Ursa Minor Mafia why Heinous Vlaak found stolen goods on these premises?”

  The man studied Rex for a long time. Then he said, “I can’t let you out without papers.”

  “Oh!” Rex exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say so. Here.” He pulled the stun gun from his belt and shot the guard, who crumpled to the ground. Rex got out of the truck. “Help me get him in the back, Sasha! Donny, get that gate open!”

  I got out and helped Rex carry the guard to the back of the truck. We opened the back, dumped him inside, and then got back in the cab. Meanwhile, Donny had found the button to raise the gate. We drove through and Donny climbed back into the cab. Rex pulled onto the street and began driving toward the spaceport.

  “Was that wise, sir? We can’t afford to be on the wrong side of the Ursa Minor Mafia. We’ve already got the Malarchy after us.”

  “No choice,” said Rex. “Anyway, they’ll never know it was us. We’ll just dump this guy in a ditch on the way to the… what was that?”

  I had heard it too. Somebody was moving around in the back of the truck.

  “Blasted off-brand stun guns,” Rex growled. “I’m going to have to pull over. Donny, get ready to—aaaahhhh!”

  This interjection was directed at a man who was running across the street in front of us. He was chasing a fluttering object that was, if I was not mistaken, a robotic parrot.

  Rex slammed on the brakes and there was a loud thud as something struck the rear of the cab, and then another, quieter thud as something hit the bed of the truck. The movement in the truck stopped.

  “Squawky!” Rex cried, getting out of the truck.

  “Sir! Where are you
going?”

  “I’ve got to get Squawky,” Rex yelled back at me. “Go see what’s happening in the back.”

  Rex ran into the street after the vendor.

  “Stay here, Donny,” I said, getting out of the truck. I ran around to the back of the truck, opened the door and climbed inside. The warehouse guard lay against the back of the cab, moaning quietly and rubbing his head. In the distance, I heard sirens. This wasn’t good. If the cops caught us with a semi-conscious security guard, we were in big trouble. And as we were currently stopped in the middle of a busy street, it wasn’t going to be easy to get rid of the guard. The only thing I could do was try to hide him. I pulled the rear door shut and surveyed the situation. None of the crates were big enough to put a body in, and there weren’t enough of them to hide the body behind. Additionally complicating matters was the fact that the guard was now almost fully conscious. I’d have given him another whack on the head, but my programming prevents me from attacking a human being.

  The only option was the cryo chamber. It wasn’t designed to fit two people, but maybe I could throw the guard on top of whoever was already in there. If I could get the lid closed, they’d freeze and hopefully the cops would assume we had a good reason for transporting a cryogenically frozen man through the city. While the guard continued to groan and try to stand, I furiously tapped at the strange symbols on the control panel.

  “Thawing sequence initiated,” said a recorded voice. A thick white cloud of odorless gas spilled out of the chamber onto the floor, momentarily obscuring the occupant. I realized after a moment that a platform holding a man’s body was rising like an elevator out of the container. When it was level with the lip of the container, it suddenly tipped and the body rolled off onto the metal floor with a thud. The platform leveled out again and retracted into the chamber.

  “Thank you for using Shur-Freez Cryo-Chambers,” the recorded voice said. As the fog cleared, we saw a small, wrinkled old man lying still next to the container. He wore nothing but a cloth diaper. The sirens grew louder.

  I could see now that there was no way two people were going to fit in the chamber, and in any case I wasn’t sure I’d be able to lift the diapered man back onto the platform. The guard had gotten to his feet and was leaning against the edge of the cryo chamber, his other hand still on his head. He groaned loudly.