Holding a Tender Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Dr. Towers continued. “We at Franklin and Marshall endeavor to continue the great traditions on which this university was founded. We seek the development of students in liberal arts and in life itself. No one is an island unto themselves. As we promote the growth of character and the love of learning in those who pass through these hallowed halls, we all in some measure promote our own well-being.”

  Another round of applause interrupted Dr. Towers. When it died down, he wrapped up his remarks. “With that being said, I will delay no longer. Congratulations to our fine graduates who have completed this stage of their journey in education. Let us begin awarding the much-deserved diplomas.”

  Dr. Towers stepped back. The graduating students formed a line, and several professors took assigned places on the platform. Debbie moved forward when her turn came. She approached the lectern and heard her name spoken over the loud speakers.

  “Debbie Watson, with a BA in sociology and a minor in anthropology, with honors.”

  She marched up, shook the hand of the head of the sociology department, and whispered, “Thank you.” She moved through the crowd snapping photographs and returned to her seat. The minutes ticked by until finally the last student was through the line. The ceremony wrapped up with a raucous cry from the graduating class and mortarboards tossed into the air. With a great heave, Debbie flung her cap upward. She’d earned this celebration with hard work and diligence. For better or worse she was now a college graduate! She was bound for a life of participation in the great American Dream. What that was, she had no idea, but it felt good to think it at this moment surrounded by her shouting fellow graduates.

  As the crowd broke up, Debbie found her mom and dad and gave them both quick hugs.

  Lois nearly squeezed the air out of Debbie’s lungs with her embrace. “That was so wunderbah!” Lois gushed. “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my life. And those professors, Debbie! Did you actually study under them? They looked so wise and learned. I thought I was going to pass clear out.”

  Debbie laughed. “Life isn’t always what things are cooked up to be, Lois. Remember that.”

  Lois didn’t listen though. She grabbed the diploma from Debbie’s hand and stared at it with wide eyes. “Oh, Debbie, you’re such an important person now. Bound for a wunderbah life in the real world. Aren’t you just bubbling over with joy and happiness?”

  “I don’t know about that,” Debbie managed. She turned her attention to her father and mother. “Are we going out to eat?”

  Her dad grinned. “Of course! We have to celebrate this great occasion. We’re very proud of you, Debbie. You did great!”

  “Thank you!” Debbie whispered, holding back the tears. Her accomplishment did mean a lot to her dad even if she didn’t appreciate it fully.

  “Let’s go then,” her mother said. “Enough tears for one day. I could use a good lunch myself before we drive back. I’m starving.”

  “What shall it be then?” her dad asked as he led the way to the car.

  Lois, still excited, bounced up and down on her toes and lingered to look over her shoulder, as if she wished to etch the occasion deep into her memory.

  “Anything’s good enough,” Debbie said, as she watched her friend’s antics. Debbie mainly wanted to get out of this place. Now that she had her diploma, life had already moved on. Doug would pick her up tonight for their date. Well, sort of a date. And she needed to get things straight in her mind on what she was going to tell him. So far nothing she’d prepared would make him happy.

  “Then why not a fast-food joint?” her dad suggested. “Then we’ll be on our way faster.”

  No one objected as they climbed into the car and made their way to the freeway. Lois gazed starry-eyed at the passing buildings as if she’d never seen them before. A few minutes later as they sat eating hamburgers at Wendy’s, Lois blurted out, “Do you think I could attend college, Debbie? Get a diploma like you just did?”

  Debbie’s dad spoke up with a wry look on his face. “College is expensive.”

  “Now, Herbert!” Debbie’s mom said as she slapped him gently on the arm. “You know we gladly paid Debbie’s college expenses. Don’t make her feel bad about that. And don’t disparage a young girl’s dream—even if she is Amish.” She gave Lois a soft smile.

  Debbie’s dad responded, “You’re right, Callie. I’m sorry.”

  Debbie’s heart sank a bit—not at the thought of the expenses her parents paid for her education but at the reaction Bishop Beiler would have when Lois announced her desire to attend college. That would not be a happy moment. So much for Bishop Beiler’s trust in her.

  Her mom spoke to Lois encouragingly. “College is a long, hard road, dear, though a worthy one. I’m glad you’re so excited. We had to work on Debbie a while before she would enroll.”

  “You had to?” Lois sounded incredulous. “You have no idea how excited I am. I see now better than ever that there’s a whole world just waiting out here to explore.”

  Have mercy on us all! Debbie groaned under her breath. Bishop Beiler would never allow her on his place again.

  Her mom glowed and stared at Lois. “That’s certainly a refreshing attitude for a young woman to have.”

  Debbie interrupted them. “Lois is Amish, Mom. For crying out loud! Don’t encourage such things for her. Bishop Beiler will be most displeased.”

  Her mother remained silent and glanced away.

  Lois spoke up and fairly snapped, “I’m of age now. I should be allowed some decisions of my own. Look at Verna and Ida. They’re both at home yet and still single. All because Daett won’t approve their boyfriends. I’m not going to be like them. I’m going to strike out on my own.”

  Debbie tried not to gasp. She knew the family well, but even this was inside information she hadn’t been privy to. The Amish usually kept such thoughts within the family and community. She was sure Lois wasn’t supposed to spill information about their family conflicts in public.

  Her mother looked horrified. “Your father oversees your sisters’ dating habits…and yours? At such an age, Lois? Why, that’s going a little far, I say.”

  Lois had sobered by now. She looked like she knew too much had been said.

  Debbie’s mom added, “I certainly encourage you to think about moving out, Lois. No child should hang around the house—not longer than is necessary. That’s what I’ve always believed. Staying too long breeds dependency and destroys character, if nothing else.”

  Now Lois clearly tried to extract herself from her earlier outburst. “I’m sure that’s right, Mrs. Watson, but Daett is very concerned about his children.”

  “Watch what you say, Callie,” Herbert said, jumping into the conversation with a quiet laugh. “We still have Debbie at home with us.”

  Debbie felt a sting at her mother’s words. Did she think she was being a sponge at home? That she was there only to live off them? In a way she did, but only because…

  “Well,” Debbie’s dad said as he stood and brushed the crumbs off his hands, “that was good. Let’s head on home.”

  Debbie didn’t move. “What did you mean about children moving out as soon as possible, Mom?”

  “Oh nothing, Debbie.” Her mother waved her hand as if the thought had already vanished into thin air. She tidied up the table and then stood.

  Debbie wasn’t about to let it pass. “Mom, tell me what you meant. Do you want me to move out right away?”

  “Debbie, don’t be silly,” her dad chided as he laughed. “I’d miss you if you weren’t there. And of course your mom didn’t mean it quite the way it sounded. She was pontificating in theory, in general terms.”

  Callie glared at him. “That’s what you think I do, Herbert? Pontificate?”

  Herbert grimaced. “Callie, dear, that’s only an expression. Look, let’s get back to the house. I have things that need to be done.”

  Debbie still didn’t move although her dad was halfway to the door. Lois might be restricted from talk
ing about family problems, but she wasn’t. “Mom, please!”

  Her mom faced her. “I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, Debbie, but I do worry sometimes. While you attended college I could rationalize you still living at home, but now…”

  Debbie stood up. The pain her mom’s words caused burned deep. And the worst thing was Debbie knew they were true. At least in their world. Now in Lois’s world daughters stayed home past the time they came of age without any disgrace attached to it.

  “Look, dear,” Callie began again. “I’m sure you’ll be on your own in good time. You just haven’t mentioned it. Let’s not quarrel on your graduation day.”

  Debbie allowed herself to be led out the door, with Lois tagging along. But inside her heart, Debbie realized she’d never be able to satisfy her mother. She itemized some of the reasons. She’d accepted a menial job that really didn’t require a degree, she had no steady boyfriend, and there was nothing in her life that met her mother’s standards. Debbie would always be playing catch-up to the way her mom thought her life should be.

  Debbie turned her attention back to Lois. However badly she felt right now, she would feel a whole lot worse when Lois told her dad about her desire to attend college. Somehow she had to wipe that thought out of Lois’s mind—and fast! But how? Her friend seemed as stuck on being different from the life she knew as Debbie was. Debbie climbed into the car and chuckled softly. It was funny…yet it wasn’t.

  “What’s the joke?” Lois asked.

  Debbie shook her head. “Just thinking, that’s all.”

  “If you move out, you could come live with us,” Lois said, all smiles. “I’d like that.”

  “I don’t think that would work,” Debbie said absently.

  “I’d still like it,” Lois chirped.

  Debbie glanced out the window. Lois would indeed love it if someone from the Englisha world lived at her house, but it was out of the question. She couldn’t move into the Beiler home. The bishop would never allow such a thing…or would he? Debbie pondered the question all the way back to Snyder County and home.

  Four

  Later that evening and still in her graduation dress, Debbie drove her car back toward Lewistown. The rest of the afternoon hadn’t gone well—at least not since she’d taken Lois home. Bishop Beiler hadn’t been at the house, but Verna, Ida, and Saloma were. Lois had wasted no time before launching into an excited recitation of the day’s events, complete with the declaration that she wanted to attend college.

  “I had nothing to do with this,” Debbie protested. Beyond that, she didn’t dare elaborate. Lois was still her friend, even with her over-the-top admiration of the Englisha world. So there Debbie stood in the Beiler house caught between two competing forces: Lois’s desire to experience what Debbie had and the Beiler family’s traditional way of life, which Debbie loved.

  In a way, Debbie could sympathize with Lois. After all, didn’t she harbor impossible dreams? And didn’t she wish someone would give her encouragement in those dreams? The only difference was Lois’s community had religious reasons for their objections, while her parents had only their personal preferences. Still, both were strongly held positions.

  Thankfully, Lois hadn’t repeated her suggestion that Debbie move into the Beiler household. Such an idea presented now might look like Debbie was scheming with Lois to bring such a thing about. Still, the more Debbie thought about it, the more the possibility appealed to her. If only the bishop could be persuaded…

  Debbie sighed. It was complicated. Like the conversation that had continued at the Beilers’ until she’d finally spoken against Lois’s badgering. “Lois, you’d better listen to your mother’s advice. You don’t know what lies out there in my world. There are a lot of bad things, and life can be very hard. And you’d have to get your GED before you attend college. That’s four grades to make up.” She said this for Lois’s long-term well-being and in defense of the rich Amish heritage Lois had grown up with. Debbie could tell Saloma was comforted by her words. Beyond expressing her opinion, Debbie couldn’t do more.

  “Ach, Lois,” Saloma pleaded, “you’re overly excited from the day’s events. A good night’s sleep will set your mind at ease again. The things of the world come and go. They might look good today, but tomorrow the glory of them passes like the flowers in the field.” Saloma turned toward her guest. “Is this not true, Debbie?”

  “Yes, it is,” Debbie answered without hesitation.

  Saloma ushered her outside then and smiled with gratitude on the front porch. “Thank you so much, Debbie. We’ll talk more with Lois later. I know it’s not your fault she gets these wild ideas into her head.”

  Debbie had left, but her heart was still troubled…and stayed that way all afternoon. For Lois and for herself something must change, but what? And now Debbie’s own mother wanted her out of the house. She hadn’t come right out and said it, but Debbie knew her mom well enough to know that she did indeed think it was time her daughter moved on with her life…beginning with leaving the nest.

  As she drove the back roads toward Lewistown for her dinner date with Doug, Debbie was using this roundabout way to give her time to think. And no one would think anything about it if she just happened to go past Alvin Knepp’s place. Maybe he would wave to her if he were outside. That might be enough to cheer her up.

  Thoughts from Lois’s suggestion earlier in the day ran through her mind. Was there a way to persuade Bishop Beiler to agree to let her move in? Perhaps if she brought the subject up in the right context? Moving in with an Amish family would be the answer to so many things. If she needed to step out on her own, why not step out into the place her dreams led—being with the Amish? She probably could never truly become one, but why not indulge the fantasy for a few months or a few years and see what it was really like?

  She didn’t know that much about Amish dating habits—only the little pieces of information Lois and her sisters had dropped along the way. And she knew enough from them to recognize courting couples when she saw an Amish man driving his “courting buggy” with a young woman close beside him on the seat. What if she could stay at the Beiler place until she knew what she really wanted to do with her life? Oh, if only it could work…

  Debbie’s thoughts drifted to Alvin as she approached his farm. Did he have a courting buggy? She’d never seen one parked in front of his barn when she drove by. But that didn’t mean anything. It could be inside the barn and all dust covered since Alvin hadn’t dated—as far as she knew. She’d dared to ask Lois once. The question aroused less suspicion than she’d feared. Apparently Alvin wasn’t considered a very desirable dating option within the Amish community. Lois didn’t say why other than to mention that Alvin had been scorned by Mildred Schrock. Mildred had been a school crush of Alvin’s apparently. Debbie hadn’t asked for more details because Lois had turned up her nose at the very mention of Alvin’s name.

  Debbie slowed as she approached the Knepp driveway. Off the road was a white, two-story house set on a small knoll. Fields stretched out on either side of the barn. The corn was already a foot high in the section to the east. A wagon appeared drawn by a team of horses. Debbie slowed even more. It was Alvin! He stood tall on the wagon as it bounced and rattled toward her.

  As she drew abreast of him, he waved in her direction. A friendly, noncommittal sort of wave, Debbie thought as she waved back. She was pretty sure he’d recognized her. She’d seen him once when they were both at the Beiler place. Her cheeks burned at the memory. Alvin hadn’t even climbed out of his buggy that day, but he had smiled when she nodded to him on her way out of the driveway.

  Debbie accelerated and drove out of sight. She could still feel the flush of heat on her cheeks. What was wrong with her anyway? Was she infatuated with this Amish man? Her mother would have a fit and a half if she ever suspected such a thing! She glanced at her watch and drove faster, soon approaching Lewistown. She glanced at her watch again. If she didn’t hurry, there would be a call from Doug
asking where she was. Well, that was something Alvin would never do. He’d probably never been to an Englisha restaurant in his life, much less did he own a cell phone.

  Such a life—a life with such a boyfriend as Alvin—would be all about freedom. There would be no hurry to meet deadlines. Such a man would have no dates with women who didn’t wish to see him. He’d pass the hours of his day peacefully until nightfall, when he’d gather with his family and everyone would enjoy each other’s company. When was the last time she’d gathered with her parents at home? For anything other than Christmas or Thanksgiving?

  Debbie pushed the thoughts of her parents and, especially, Alvin Knepp away. What chance had she to gain the attention of a decent Amish man? None.

  She pulled into the parking lot at Andrea’s Pizzeria and rushed inside to find Doug already waiting at a table.

  “Good to see you, Debbie,” Doug said as he stood. He appraised her with a quick look and approving smile. “How was your big day?”

  “It was fine, Doug.” She sat down. “I wish you could have been there.”

  Doug pulled up his chair. “I know. I wish I could have too. I had a work assignment that I couldn’t get out of. You do understand?”

  “Sure, I understand. To be honest, I really didn’t enjoy it that much myself. I’m glad it’s over.”

  “Really? I loved my graduation day. I knew it marked the beginning of a new life for me. A life of success and achievement. I’m well on my way to that goal. And you will be too, Debbie. You should be happy about the great things ahead for you…and for us.”

  Debbie ignored his remark, her mind drifting. “There’s got to be some way Bishop Beiler can be persuaded,” she murmured.

  “What? Is this some kind of riddle?” Doug stared at her as the waitress came up.