Shattered

by Haven Anne Lennox

  Is that fair? To ask him to do that when I have nothing to bring to the table but four kids and one fucked past?

  I need radio therapy. I walk to the radio and just hit a random playlist. This playlist has everything on it. Queen, the Eagles, Elton John, Savage Garden, love songs, metal; I mean you name it’s on there. Something will speak to me. It always does.

  I Won’t Give in by Asking Alexandria is up first. I love this song. To me it’s all about letting the one you love know that you aren’t going anywhere. And asking them if they will be there for you. Every song means something different to everyone.

  I’m the ghost of what’s left of me

  Begging you to hear me

  Can you even feel me

  I can’t let you go

  Save me please

  Will you stay here with me

  Will you ever leave me?

  That’s my favorite part of the whole song. My mind wonders over the day so far.

  The boys left to go to the gym and Liam is in his home office. Well, he was. I feel arms come around me. I don’t jump. I know it’s him. There is just something about Liam that just has me knowing when he is in a room or when his eyes are on me. I get chills sometimes just thinking about it.

  “We need to talk, babe.”

  I go into panic mode. Genesis is still out of town with Rita. I talk to her a few times a day just to see how she is.

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  His hands frame my face.

  “Nothing is wrong, crazy girl. Do you remember me telling you that we were going to have a talk? Well this is us having the talk. Noting to worry about, babe. Promise.”

  He walks us to the couch and sits us down. I sit beside him and he pulls my feet onto his lap and begins to rub them. I don’t know if I should take this as a good sign or a bad. Maybe he is trying to relax me and what he needs to talk about is really bad.

  Oh god! What if he doesn’t want me like I thought he did?

  Before he can get one word out the front door slams open. I scream. I want to run. Everything in me is telling me to run. Get out. But I stop myself. Didn’t I just say I wanted to stop living in fear?

  Liam stands in front of him, his hand behind him like he is trying to push me back.

  Man, Callum, and Malachi round the corner with their hands up.

  “Sorry, Mom, we really didn’t mean to scare you. We are just used to doing that, you know, to get on Liam’s nerves.” Callum is the first to speak.

  “No, no. You guys did nothing wrong. I’m sorry for being so jumpy. I don’t want you guys to change things just because I’m here. Don’t worry about anything. You guys did no wrong,” I tell them.

  “What are you guys doing here? I thought that you guys were going to the gym to work out. You haven’t been gone very long.”

  I say this because I need to change the subject. And just my luck it works.

  They all look at each other. I lift my eyebrow and look to Liam. He shrugs his shoulder. I guess Man was picked as spokesperson.

  “Well, we wanted to talk to you and Liam about something. Just the five of us. Uncle Storm is always here when we are all together. So we just wanted it to be just us. I hope that is ok with you guys.”

  I nod and sit back down. Lord I hope none of them have someone pregnant.

  “Is that ok, Mom? That we do this without Storm?”

  “That’s fine, baby. What do you guys want to talk to us about?”

  “We want Liam to legally adopt us. I know I’m almost eighteen but to me that doesn’t matter. I want…we want Liam to be our father.”

  I’m stunned. Do they think something will happen to me and worry about Tyler trying to get them? Do they have the same fears as me?

  Callum says, “Stop with the crazy eyes, woman, and listen to the rest.”

  He laughs like this is something you do every day. So I do my best to stop with the crazy eyes and nod at Man to finish.

  “We have talked to Genesis, too. We got Storm to get in touch with Rita so we could talk to her about it. She is good with it. She wanted to know why we didn’t just do it when we were born. Said we have been wasting time.”

  Man laughs this time.

  “Mom, your daughter is a female version of Storm. That’s some scary shit.”

  He laughs again.

  “But she agrees with us. We want Liam to adopt us because as far back as we can remember, it has always been Liam. At father/son games it was Liam.”

  “Shit, we found pictures of Liam holding us all as babies.”

  “Look, all we know is that when we needed a man, Liam was there. He wasn’t scared to hug us or kick our ass when we needed it. He has taught us to be men. He has stood up and taken in four kids because their sperm donor is worthless. We love Liam like a dad.”

  I look over at Liam and the man has tears in his eyes. Man meets Liam’s eyes.

  “You have always been here for us, you kick our ass when we need it, you never let us give up on anything, not even on our self. You love us and you aren’t afraid to tell us. If I am half the man that you are, I’ll be a good damn man. That is all because of you. We are who we are because you never gave up on us and you never walked away. You have had our backs all our life. We love you, man.”

  “I do want to say that whether you guys get the papers or not, it’s not going to change how we feel. In our minds, you will forever and always be our dad.”

  “And we would like to call you dad. But if that is too weird for you, we get it. We call you dad behind your back anyway.”

  That smile. Lord, my sons have the best smiles I have ever seen. These are my boys. Strong men that have been through hell. They love Liam as much as I do.

  Man takes a deep breath and sits back.

  Liam has my hand.

  “Rain, what do you think about this?” I open my mouth to ask him how he feels, but he doesn’t let me get anything out.

  “Wait, before you start, let me tell you how I feel.

  I love you and I love the boys and I love Genesis. You have been in my life for as long as I can remember. I can’t imagine my life without any of you in it.”

  He turns from me to the boys.

  “I would love to adopt you guys. And I agree with you. Even if it isn’t made legal, I have and will always think of you as my boys. Genesis has always been my daughter. It’s an honor to be your dad. You guys can call me anything you want to.”

  He turns back to me.

  “I mean, if that’s ok with you. This is what I want, Rain. It’s all I have ever wanted. You the boys and Genesis. Blood or not, papers or not, they are mine and so are you.”

  “Are you sure, Liam? You have to be sure. I don’t want you to wake up one day and wonder what the hell you have gotten yourself into. Is this really what you want Liam?”

  “No, it’s not.”

  My heart feels like it breaks.

  “I want more, Rain.”

  He gets up and walks to the bedroom. When I turn to look at the boys they are all smiles.

  “What are y’all smiling at?” I ask

  They all freaking shrug and keep their smiles in place.

  Liam comes back in the room. Instead of sitting beside me where he was he kneels down in front of me.

  “Babe, I have loved you since that day I walked you home from the field when you tried to make all us guys believe you were a guy, just so you could play with us. I saw your big beautiful eyes and knew that one day you would be mine.

  I bought this our junior year. I was going to ask you at our junior prom. I was terrified. I saved it all these years hoping that you would come back to me, that one day you would wear my ring and my name.

  So today, I’m not waiting anymore. You are where my heart is. I know it’s soon but I love you and I can’t wait anymore to ask you to be my wife.

  Rainy, will you do me the honor of being my wife? Make me complete and say yes, baby. I love you and I want you in my life for the rest of my life.�
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  “YES,” I yell before I even think about this. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Liam.”

  Liam is putting the ring on my hand, it’s halfway on my finger.

  “Wait, Liam, how is this going to work? I’m already married and you know that Tyler isn’t going to give me a divorce.”

  Babe I know that you are married. But it’s not a problem. When we go to file the adoption papers, we can file for your divorce papers to. Tyler will sign them. If he doesn’t, we will go to court. It will all work out, baby.

  There is nothing stopping us now. It’s me you and the kids against the world.”

  “It’s that easy?” I ask

  “It’s that easy, Rain, just say yes again. This ring goes on it never comes off.”

  “Yes,” I say softly. But Liam hears me. He pushes the ring on my finger and all the guys start with the hooting and hollering.

  Liam bends and picks me up. I wrap my legs around his waist. He starts to move from side to side. He is dancing with me. Singing the song in my ear.

  I’ll be your dream

  I’ll be your wish

  I’ll be your fantasy

  I’ll be your hope

  I’ll be your love

  Be everything that you need

  I’ll love you more

  With every breath

  Truly madly deeply

  It’s Savage Garden. Liam played this song for me the summer after we met. I have always thought of Liam and me at the lake.

  Liam kisses me. “This is forever, Rain. This is how it always should have been. I love you, crazy girl.”

  I love you, too. I’m so sorry for everything. I do love you. This makes me so happy. I have the family I was always meant to have.

  Thank you, Liam.”

  I put my lips to his and I lose myself for a minute.

  “Hey, guys, come on, that is not something you should do in front of your kids,” Malachi calls out.

  “Well, ok, Mom, Dad, we are going to head out and give y’all some time to just…you know, whatever,” Callum says.

  “Dude, why did you even say that? For one, that’s our parents that’s just gross to have in your head. And two, the doc said no lovin’ until we hear back from him. So it looks like we don’t have to leave. And it’s blue ball city for dad tonight.”

  This comes from Man.

  Liam pulls me a little tighter to him. Not enough to cause pain, though.

  “I will love hearing that for the rest of my life. Tomorrow morning, we are going to get it all started. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

  The next day, we got up and went to the clerk’s office. We were filing papers for Liam to adopt my boys and Genesis. We have to get Tyler to sign off on it. I really don’t think that will be a problem. He hasn’t wanted the kids since Jeremiah died. So maybe that will work out for the good and there will be no fights.

  Today we are picking up the papers for Tyler to sign for the adoption as well as our divorce papers.

  The boys are out with Storm. Genesis came back and has been at my mom’s house. So since everyone is gone, Liam and I are going to Tyler’s apartment to see if he is there and get him to sign the papers.

  I have been nervous all day. I don’t know how Tyler will react. I know he won’t care one way or the other about the kids. The other set of papers.., I’m not so sure how he will react to that.

  We pull up in front of the apartment. So many memories rush me. I have gone through so much in this apartment. I stare out the window. I’m not sure if I want to go up there. Something is telling me this will not end the way I have been hoping. Liam grabs my hand.

  “Its ok, babe. I’m here. I won’t let him hurt you again. Now let’s go get these papers signed so that we can go home to our kids and start planning our wedding.”

  He leans over then and kisses me slowly. “Let’s go, babe.”

  He gets out and walks around to open my door. I grab his hand. Something feels wrong. Something bad is about to happen. I pull on Liam’s hand.

  “Maybe we should wait until Storm can come with us. I just…I don’t know. Something feels off, Liam.”

  “Rain, babe, everything is going to be fine. I understand why you feel this way. All the shit that has happen to you here. I’m sorry, babe, I was thinking of myself. I didn’t even think about what it would do to you to have to come back here. If you really want to wait on Storm, we can.”

  I look in his eyes. He is ready for this to be over just as much as I am. I can’t let him down. I paste a smile on my face.

  “It’s ok. I can’t do this. I can’t let him control me anymore. Let’s do this.”

  Going up the stairs to the apartment, the feeling only grows. I push it back. I want this part of my life over and done with. I’m ready to be happy.

  I take out my keys and unlock the door.

  The apartment is a mess. Beer bottles, food wrappers, used condoms, and dirty clothes are everywhere. And the smell is unreal. I wonder if Tyler has showered. Speaking of Tyler, I don’t see him anywhere.

  “I guess I was wrong. He isn’t here. We may never get this done if we can’t find him,” I say to Liam.

  “Look who it is, my whore wife and the man that used to call himself my best friend. What the fuck are you two doing here?”

  Before Liam has a chance to say anything, Tyler speaks again but at me.

  “What? You trying to come crawling back? You want to pick up where we left off with the guys? I mean, if that’s the case, you’ll have to give me some time. Vegas was sent up state. So I’ll have to find you a third, you know.”

  “Tyler,” I say calmly. “I’m here to ask you to sign these.”

  He jerks the papers from my hands.

  “What the fuck is this?”

  Liam speaks now. He moves me behind him.

  “Those are adoption papers and divorce papers. All we need you to do is sign by all the X’s. Then, we can all go on with our lives.”

  “Why the fuck do I have to sign adoption papers? They ain’t my fucking kids.”

  “You have to sign them, Tyler, because you are their father and your name is on their birth certificate. Liam wants to adopt them. I just need you to sign over your rights.”

  I hate the smile he is wearing.

  “You got a pen?” he says, looking over at Liam.

  Liam takes a pen out of his back pocket and hands it over.

  “So you want my wife, do ya? I have to tell you she is a worthless whore. If you want her, you can fucking have her. All you ever had to do was ask.”

  That creepy ass smile is freaking me out.

  “I have always wanted Rain and you know this. I’m not going to stand here and fight with you, Tyler. We will be making a life together. It’s a life that you didn’t want. A life you threw away. I love her, I love the kids, they are mine now. So keep your fucking distance. Got me?”

  I’m trying to pull Liam back to me. Shit is about to get bad and fast.

  “Liam, let’s just go.”

  I keep pulling and pulling. Not getting anywhere.

  “Liam, babe come on.”

  “Yeah, Liam, it’s time for you to go. Here are your papers. Now you can leave and take that whore with you.”

  “You will get what is coming to you one day, Tyler Childs. I’ll fucking see to that.”

  I’m pushing Liam out the door. Next thing I know, I’m grabbed by the back of the head.

  “You think it will be that fucking easy to leave me, bitch?” Tyler hisses in my ear. I go to pull away but he puts a knife to my throat.

  “Stand the fuck still. And you, come in here and shut the door. You think you are so bad ass. Don’t you, Liam? The good boy. YOU AREN’T SHIT!! You ain’t no fucking better than me.

  What makes you think he is better than me, Rain, huh? Fucking answer me, you dumb slut.”

  He pulls me closer and the knife bites into my throat. Before I can say anything, Liam rushes forward, knocking the knife from Tyler’s hand. I
’m free. I drop to the floor.

  They start punching each other. Trading shots. I scream,

  “STOP! PLEASE STOP!!”

  They don’t hear me. They just keep fighting. Tyler fights to get away. Liam punches him once in the face, knocking him backward. When Tyler stands, up he has the knife in his hand. Liam is walking toward me. I see the knife in his hand. I scream, “Liam, oh god.” But he doesn’t hear me in time. As soon as he turns around, Tyler stabs Liam in the chest.

  “No,” I scream. “Tyler, stop, please stop. You have me. I won’t go anywhere. I swear, I won’t leave. Just let Liam go now. Just please kill me instead, just please don’t kill Liam, please, Tyler.”

  Tyler is standing over Liam’s body. Liam is still breathing and I can see his eyes are still open, he is looking up at Tyler. Tyler goes to one knee and says something to Liam that I can’t hear, then raises the knife and slams it into Liam. I don’t where this one landed. I’m not screaming anymore but I have fallen to my knees and I am crying and saying Liam’s name.

  I hear Tyler’s boots coming across the floor. He can do whatever he wants and I will not fight him. As soon as he is done, he will leave and I can call someone to help.

  Tyler kicks me in the face with his steel toe boots and I fall back, landing so hard the breath is stolen from my lungs. Jerking my legs apart, Tyler tears my pants from my body and slams himself inside. It hurts and the pain is like nothing I ever want to feel again. With each one of Tyler’s thrusts, he takes the knife that still has Liam’s blood on and cuts my skin. It burns but I won’t show him that it hurts. Fuck him. Thrust, cuts the side of my neck, thrust, now my cheek, thrust, across my chest. He bites his bottom lip, that’s how I know that this is almost over. Then I’ll be able to get Liam some help.

  “Oh fuck,” Tyler says right before he bring the knife down and right thru my heart. He comes inside me, then whispers in my ear. “You get to die knowing that you are the reason Liam is dead. You were killed by the same blade.” Tyler licks the side of my face and turns my head so that I’m looking at Liam. He isn’t moving. It doesn’t even look like he is breathing. Tyler continues in my ear.

  “You are dying with me inside you. I will forever be inside you now, Rain. The man you love is dead and soon, so will you be. It is my time now, bitch. I’m finally rid of you. It feels so good to know that I took your last breath and that you died with my cock inside you. I hope you burn in hell.”