Corn, Cows, and the Apocalypse (Part 1)

by Felicia Jedlicka

  I did a double take as I passed and picked up speed with my cart. Three heads turned and watched me run through the back of the store.

  Really disturbing.

  “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” I rambled as the cart skidded around the corner of an aisle with me behind it. I picked up speed toward the front doors. Before I reached the end of the aisle a glimmer grim stepped out to block my path. “Shit.” I slid behind the cart, letting my body weight slow down its momentum. I looked back and the original three entered the aisle behind me. I was trapped. “Shit.” I couldn’t think of any way around them, aside from climbing the shelves, which I expected would result in me falling down in an avalanche of creamed corn.

  I moved forward hoping I could at least defend myself against the singular grim. August had been desperately trying to teach me self-defense, but I was so bad at it. Aside from being uncomfortable with physical confrontation, I was apparently the weakest female ever. I was average height, average build, which was a nice way of saying I was kind of short, and kind of scrawny.

  I picked up one of my pre-packed grocery bags and gripped it by the handles in one hand as I pushed my cart with the other. The grim at the end of the aisle limped toward me. I was relieved that he was a new possession. It took demons a couple weeks to get the hang of running the bodies. You could always tell the bodies that had been possessed for several weeks or even months. They had no trouble walking, running, and God help us, talking. They usually didn’t speak an understandable language when they did, but it was still unpleasant and so wrong to hear.

  The grim darted at me and I mustered the very smallest amount of courage and screamed out a ridiculous war cry as I swung my canned vegetables at the creatures head. The grim fell over with a dry dent in his skull.

  I turned, prepared to celebrate my triumphant blow, but one of the other grim tackled me. I shrieked and fell back against the speckled white floor tiles. My head hit and I saw stars that matched the glittery skin of the man that was growling on top of me.

  His hands reached to my throat and he started to strangle me. He leaned his face close to mine and opened his mouth. I had never been so close to a grim, so I didn’t know if he planned to eat me, molest me, or just kill me.

  Either way, I was scared shitless, and it takes none of my pride to admit that I screamed like a little girl. The creature withdrew, somehow offended by my noise. It only lasted a second though, and he was back in motion to bite, kiss, or whatever me.

  Before I found out what its intent was, a bat crashed into his skull chipping pieces of crystalized tissue and bone away. The remaining face hissed at my heroine. August introduced it to her other weapon of choice.

  With a quick choreographed swipe, August’s samurai sword cut through the neck of the glimmer grim. The head dropped to the ground and the body flopped back on me. I pushed it away and stood up. I was so glad that the bodies never bled. The crystalized features that gave them their first nickname went all the way through. They were essentially mummified, only they weren’t desiccated so much as frozen…but without the cold.

  “Grab the cart.” August said holstering her sword.

  “There’s two more.” I pointed out surprised that she hadn’t noticed them.

  “Those are yours, come on. Move fast.” August ran ahead while I pushed the cart behind. I looked back and saw the grim gaining. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just finish them off. That’s what she did.

  When I say that she is the heroine, I mean that she always saves me. Anytime I’m in trouble, I am saved by her. Even when the circumstances seem completely unrealistic to expect her to be there, she is there. It’s as if she were psychically linked to danger.

  Where scrawny third sidekicks face mortal danger, she will be there.

  I pushed the cart onto the pitted concrete of the parking lot. August was already in the truck bed having jumped the near three foot height with the help of Devin’s proffered knee. She grabbed my bow and arrow from our collection of weapons and got it ready.

  I cursed thinking how stupid it was to do an exercise like this when I was in real danger. Devin gestured for me to get on with it. I rolled the cart to one side and ran to him. He lifted me just as I pushed off the ground.

  As I arrived on the tail gate, August handed me my loaded bow. The grim were nearly to the truck. Devin looked back at them anxiously as he handed Haden the grocery bags. I shot one arrow into the first glimmer grim. It was a dead on bulls eye to the heart. It wasn’t enough to destroy the body, but it did disrupt the link with the demon, resulting in the appearance of killing the grim. August handed me another arrow and I hit the next grim in his eye. I reached for another one, and hit him in the other eye before he fell to the ground.

  “How the fuck do you do that?” Haden glared up at me as she pulled the last bag of groceries in. “You can’t hit a barn with a bullet, but that flipping thing, you’re a surgeon with.”

  Devin slammed the tailgate harder than necessary. “I think the word you’re looking for Haden, is, thanks.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at Haden’s annoyance, but she was right. Aside from my youth camp instilled skill with a bow and arrow, I was virtually useless with weapons and fighting. Incidentally, it was also the only outdoor related talent that I had, and I had never shot a living creature, outside of the glimmer grim, which by definition and debate, weren’t living.

  Devin jumped into the cab to drive us home and I sat down against the back on the cab to enjoy the rest of the ride without my layered chestnut locks whipping me in the face. August sat down beside me and put her hand on mine.

  “That was really good, Lenore.” She said proudly.

  I shrugged. “Thanks.” I often wondered if August would have even considered letting me into the group without my one small talent. She was so determined to teach me, as if I was a liability to her if I couldn’t defend myself. That was probably true, but at what point do you just admit trying to squeeze water from a stone is a waste of time.

  “Just ignore her.” August said nodding to Haden who was sitting on the wheel well pouting. “You know how much she likes to be the center of attention.”

  “Yeah, I know. I just wish she’d let me have my little corner of the stage. It’s all I have you know.”

  August’s eyes flickered over my face reading more than just my expression. “You are so much more than a corner.” She said earnestly.

  I shrugged again. It wasn’t the first time she had tried to cheer me up with a “you are the light of the world” style compliment, but it always made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t more than a corner of the stage, and I didn’t really hope to be. When she said that I was worth more than I thought, it was like she was saying I wasn’t good enough just as I was.

  “Did you get everything before they attacked?” She asked taking her hand away from mine. The cold vacancy, that was left when she pulled away, made me feel alone even though she was still sitting right next to me.

  “Yes.” I answered.

  “Good. Haden, toss me my Newtons.” Haden rolled her eyes, but searched through the bags for August’s comfort food.

  While August devoured a handful of cookies…err…fruited cake, I poked my head into the cab. Devin peeked over from his driving and smiled. Damn he was beautiful.

  “Hey, cutie, what’s up?” He asked.

  “Nothing, I just wanted to see your smile.” I said trying to control my own smile.

  “Well, it’s yours anytime you want it.” He winked and offered his best photographic smile. I giggled and pulled my head back out. The introspective smile I kept on my face only incited more glares from Haden. Despite Devin being public property, she didn’t like anyone enjoying his company, plutonic or otherwise.

  -Spam, a lot-

  Ten minutes outside of the city, we pulled into our current residence, a four bedroom, two-story house, sitting on about an acre of land. There were several out buildings, sheds, and a two car garage that we never used,
because it didn’t lend an easy escape.

  Devin backed into the driveway and brought the truck as close to the house as he could without ruining the sidewalk. He killed the engine and hopped out to help us off the tailgate. He helped August first who thanked him politely before heading into the house. He made it a point to drag Haden down his body as he set her down, which prompted her to give him a wet sensual kiss.

  I moved to slip out of the truck without his help so I didn’t disrupt them, but he snapped his fingers at me from behind Haden’s head. She finally released him dragging her hand down his chest as she went.

  Once she was gone he looked at me. “What was that?” He crossed his arms and scolded me with a half serious sternness I rarely saw on him.

  “You were occupied.” I mumbled.

  “Temporarily. Come here.” I let him help me down. I would have liked for him to give me the same attention that he gave Haden, but there was no way to outright ask someone to fondle you.

  I stepped back and smiled. I reached for a bag of groceries, which I knew would be met with reproach. He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away. “What are you doing? I’ll get those.”

  I smiled. “It will be faster if I help you.”

  “I will get them.” He said firmly before forcefully turning me around and pushing me to the house with a spank.

  I yelped for the sake of flirting, but he hadn’t actually hurt me. “Fine,” I said as I headed into the house.

  I admired Devin’s devotions to his minor chivalries. The world had changed so much, but it was the little things that kept us all from becoming an excerpt from the Lord of the Flies. Devin would claim his manners were all flirtation, but I suspected that he needed to do certain things to keep things civil in his mind. Sure, it was just a bag of groceries, but when you’re killing, what looks like human beings, left and right, it’s important to define how you treat the real people.

  The front door was more or less the side door, since the house was positioned stupidly on the property. As a result I entered straight into the kitchen. I started my prep work for supper, which was going to be spaghetti.

  There were a lot of spaghetti nights, post-apocalypse. We had the option of going hunting for fresh meat, but as you might imagine, modern conveniences left us all lazy. No one really wanted to go find, shoot, skin, and process an animal when we could just have Spam-ghetti.

  Devin drug in all seven bags of groceries in one trip and set them on the floor. “Anything else,” he asked.

  I wanted to tell him that bringing them in was the easy part, and that if he really wanted to help he could put them away, but I didn’t. Kitchen duty was the job of the third sidekick. At least that’s what I told myself.

  “No, dinner should be ready in forty.”

  “Great, I’m starving. I don’t suppose you would let me spoil my appetite a little.” He leaned on the counter beside the stove. The kitchen was relatively open to the living room, except for the stove and its gigantic exhaust vent that obscured the view.

  “Go ahead, August already has the Newtons.”

  “Ooh, Newtons. Okay, August,” Devin eyed August who was on the couch in the living room. She looked up at him defensively hugging her bag of cookies. “Pass the cookies.”

  “They’re not cookies,” she mumbled over her full mouth with mocking offense. “They’re fruited cake.”

  “Yeah, whatever, cough ‘em up.” Devin went in after the cookies, which August playfully pulled from his grip a few times before giving in. Despite his enthusiasm he only took one and gave the rest back. He knew how much she enjoyed them, and wouldn’t dare deprive her of her guilty pleasure.

  They snuggled in beside each other on the couch and talked and laughed the way old friends always do. I watched them as I finished with supper. When I finally went out to call upstairs for Haden, I found them asleep against each other.

  I debated waking them, but just decided to put some extra water in the sauce and left it on the burner to warm. Haden and I managed to finish nearly half the kettle ourselves. After we finished stuffing our faces, we both leaned back from the table to make room for our carb bloated tummies.

  Haden sipped on her beer, while I stuck with water. I wasn’t much of a drinker, which is to say, I just never got the hang of it. Drunken Lenore was not the best party guest to have. Sure, I might loosen up and have more fun, but the end result would always be someone’s ruined shoes. I stuck with water.

  Haden eyeballed me from across the table. Our relationship was difficult to define. If we were a polygamist family, I would have been the third wife. I could sense that she didn’t really like me, but she respected August enough not to make a big deal about it. In the end, it was all just jealousy, but she would never admit to that.

  “So, have you fucked Devin yet?” She asked. She probably intended to ask like she was beginning a round of gossipy girl talk, but it came off like an accusation.

  I glanced into the living room to make sure Devin was still fast asleep against August’s shoulder. I wished I had a Polaroid camera. I would have used my camera phone, but cell phone reception was so patchy that we started relying on land lines instead. Plus, I wasn’t about to take the time to go print it. No, Polaroid should have stuck around longer. They could have had a big come back after the rapture.

  “No, I haven’t gotten around to that.” I said finding a reason to stir the remaining three strands of spaghetti on my plate.

  “Why not, he’s really good?” This would be Haden denying her jealousy by the way.

  “I…”

  “It’s not like we’re a couple.” More denial. “It’s pointless to get wrapped up in monogamy. I mean crap, the world is at the end, why bother?”

  I nodded even though I didn’t agree. I was obviously single to the truest extent of the word, but I still liked the idea of a man just for me. I was an idealist in a realist world. I didn’t mention that as the reason I hadn’t made a move on Devin.

  “Should we wake them?” She asked nodding to the living room. I was about to say no, but Haden barked at them to wake up and eat.

  As August and Devin stretched from their nap, I rinsed my plate and headed outside for some air. I really just wanted to be away from Haden. As much as she felt I was the dead leg to the group, I felt the same about her. She was the complete opposite of me. She was loud, direct, formidable, and confident. I on the other hand… (Insert antonyms of your choice.)

  I sat down on the porch, which wasn’t anything more than a concrete stoop. The back—or front, whatever—door to house had a small wooden porch, but it was dark, and frankly, I was scared of the dark. With good reason since the glimmer grim trekked miles during the night hours.

  The sun was down already, but the air was still warm. Summer had brought in lots of humidity, and mosquitoes to boot. There wasn’t enough bug spray in the world to combat these blood suckers. The temperature overall was abnormally high for June. The mid-west was known for its weird inconsistences in weather, but apparently there was a heat wave over the entire country, and possibly the world.

  Jimmy the Card’s callers believed that the demon population was increasing the temperature. There had been many discussions on the impact of the black plague on planetary climate, and how our situation was just the opposite. Temperatures were rising instead of dropping as they did after the massive population decline of the plague. Blah, blah, blah…it was hot.

  I smacked a mosquito, just as Devin came out thumping his pack of cigarettes. “Hey what did it ever do to you?”

  “He bit me.” I was surprised he came to this stoop. Unlike me, Devin wasn’t afraid of the dark. He usually had his cigarette on the back porch.

  “She bit you.” He corrected before sitting down so close to me, that I had to move so he didn’t sit on my hand. “You’re a country girl, you should know that.”

  “Yeah, I forgot.”

  He lit his cigarette and took a long drag before offering it to me. I didn’t smoke,
but he always offered anyway. The same way you offer cake to a woman who just said she was dieting. Yeah, you know she doesn’t want it, but it still seems rude not to offer.

  I started to shake my head, but instead I took the cigarette from him. Maybe I wanted to be rebellious, or maybe I just wanted to put my lips, where his had been, either way, I was stupid enough to take a generous drag and inhale it.

  Several minutes later, when my coughing had stopped, the only thing I had accomplished, besides epically embarrassing myself, was getting the pleasure of Devin’s hand rubbing my back.

  As if she could sense our proximity, Haden chose that moment to interrupt. “Devin your food is getting cold.” She said nodding for him to head in.

  “Yeah, I imagine it is.” He said continuing to rub my back. I was very aware of the subtle change he made in the motion, to make it look more sensuous than comforting. He knew as well as anyone how jealous Haden got. He liked to play it against her. The more irritated she got, the more often she knocked on his door.

  “Well?” She asked motioning inside.

  “Well what? I’m having a conversation with Lenore.” I looked away before I could catch Haden’s glare and/or finger gesture, but judging by Devin’s amusement, it must have been pretty severe. “Bitch.” He murmured after the door slammed shut.

  His hand slid off my back and for a moment he was content to smoke his cigarette. The pensive look on his face could have been any number of things, but Devin wasn’t the type to share his thoughts with anyone, least of all me.

  I hadn’t realized I was staring at him until he looked back at me. His brown eyes fixed on mine, and I became aware of how close we were. I thought he might actually kiss me and I was paralyzed with fearful hope. That wasn’t how it worked though. Devin didn’t make advances. I had to make the first move.

  “Thanks for dinner.” He said.

  “You’re welcome.” Devin hadn’t thanked me for dinner before. “You haven’t even tasted it yet.”

  “You do a lot for us.” He said.