You Can Always Go Home

by Rogers, Desiree

  Turning back to face him, she gave him a faint smile, “Well...thank you for coming. I didn’t...expect to see you.” She nodded her head regally. She fought the urge to grab onto him and weep into his shoulder; beg him to take her away from all this.

  “You’re welcome.” Luciano bowed slightly, turning and melting into the crowd. She could still feel his eyes on her from time to time, but she brushed it off, focusing on her husband’s funeral and the details that went with it.

  She was out on the deck, letting the wind whip around when she heard someone step behind her. She turned to find Jake, a partner in her husband’s firm, watching her. He was an attractive man, with stylish blond hair, a skier’s body and striking blue eyes. He also gave her a case of the creeps, with the way he used to watch her at company gatherings.

  “I’m sorry about your loss.” He spoke, keeping his voice low.

  Alexina suppressed the urge to tell him that she was not some crazed animal that needed soothing.

  “Thank you Jake. I appreciate it.” She stifled a groan of frustration when he came to stand next her. She moved over an inch, hoping he didn’t notice.

  “I just want to let you know that if you need anything, just let me know.” He turned to watch her, his gaze steady as he looked at her.

  She nodded, wrapping her arms around her body, suddenly feeling cornered. “Thank you...I will.” she turned and walked back inside, passing by another one of Donald’s co-workers, Morgan. She nodded to him, continuing inside.

  Morgan walked over to where Jake was standing, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. He took a long drag, his hands deep in his pockets. “You think she knows where it is?”

  Jake glanced over at him, before returning his attention to a tree in the backyard. “I don’t think so, but we’ll see. It wasn’t at the house and he had to put it somewhere.”

  ~ ~ ~

  After two hours of expressed sympathy and forced hugs, people finally started to leave. Alexina’s eyes followed Luciano as he left, feeling vaguely put out that he hadn’t come to find her and say goodbye. After seeing the last guest out, Alexina sunk down onto a bench in the foyer, feeling drained and detached, staring at the floor. All she had to do now was find a place to sleep forever. She rubbed her arms briskly, trying to get some warmth back into her arms. She looked up at the sound of heels clicking on marble floors, somewhat irritated to see her stepmother heading towards her. She braced herself.

  Sharise sat next to her, laying a tentative hand on her knee. “Sweetie, you can stay here as long as you want. You can have your old room.”

  Alexina released a pent up breath, feeling resentful and small all at the same time. “Thank you. I don’t want to put you and dad─”

  Sharise brushed aside her concern. “Honey, we wouldn’t think of you staying anywhere else. Not after the break in at your place. Besides, that house is much too big for you to be alone in it now.” She patted her leg awkwardly, before getting up and heading back down the hall to the great room.

  ~***~

  Luciano folded his bulky frame into the black Mercedes he’d rented and drove towards his hotel. The scenery of Arlington, Virginia passed by him as his mind drifted back to the funeral and the sight of Alexina after all this time. He hadn’t meant to stay at the funeral. He’d only wanted to pay his respects to the family and move on. The sight of Alexina, surrounded by family, looking lost and alone, had stopped him in his tracks. He couldn’t remember Alexina ever looking like that. In school, she’d been so vivacious and full of life, it had been a hard thing keeping up with her. The girl she’d been was nothing like the woman she was now. She’d filled out, with full beautiful breasts and plump lips, and a sexy generous waist. She still had legs that went on forever, the black dress and black heels she’d been wearing drawing attention to them. Her hair was still as wild as ever, with curls going everywhere, the burgundy sheen going well with her toffee colored skin.

  Her eyes though, those had changed the most. The light that he remembered which used to shine in their coffee colored depths was gone, replaced with a deep sadness and unhappiness. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut when she’d turned around and stared at him. For a brief moment, the world had melted away, leaving only them and he’d been tempted to pull her into his arms and kiss away the sadness. Her being a fresh widow and his fierce control over himself had been the only things stopping him from doing so.

  He pulled into the front of the hotel, unfolding his long legs and stepping out. He handed his keys over to the valet, a glint in his eyes.

  “Take care of her.” He pressed a twenty into the young man’s hands and bounded up the stairs. He wondered if he would see her again. He hoped so.

  Chapter Two

  6 months later...

  “What do you mean you’re going back to Texas?” her father roared, his face twisted in anger and confusion. “Why in the hell would you want to go back there?”

  Alexina stared at her father calmly, her generous mouth twisted in a wry smile. Getting up from the leather club chair in front of her father’s desk, she strolled sedately over to the mahogany bar her father kept in his study and poured herself a generous glass of captain and coke, wrinkling her nose at the smell. She normally only drank at parties, but this was a special occasion. Taking a sip, she stood in front of the large picture window, her eyes traveling over the well-manicured lawn.

  “Are you going to answer me?” Her father bellowed again, shooting out of his chair.

  Alexina turned to gaze at her father, her expression calm, though on the inside she was shaking. “Dad, there is nothing for me here. We only stayed in Fairfax for Donald’s job. The house is too big and I...I just can’t stay here.” She turned back to gaze out the window. How beautiful it all was. The grass, the houses, the well-tended neighborhood; too bad it left her feeling empty and dead inside, a feeling she did not like.

  “But why Texas?” Why can’t you stay in the area? I hear North Carolina is nice.” Sharise offered helpfully, her eye on her husband.

  ‘And still too close for comfort’ Alexina thought. She paused, trying to feel her way through the question without hurting anyone. “Because it’s the only place that ever felt like home. I went to school there. I still have some friends there. All the traveling we did, Killeen is the closest thing to a hometown that I’ve got.”

  Her father made a chocked sound behind her, sagging into his seat. He rubbed a large hand over his face wearily, before looking at his daughter’s rigid back. “Are you sure honey? I don’t like the thought of you being there all by yourself. You need to think about this some more.”

  Why didn’t he have any faith in her? What was it going to take for him to look at her as an adult? Alexina turned, her face set in stubborn lines. “I already sold the house and everything in it—”

  “Well that’s great. You can stay here and spend some time with the family while you figure out what you really want to do. Maybe spend some time with Marlyn—”

  “No.” Alexina set her glass down sharply on the bar, her father narrowing his eyes at her actions. She advanced on Sharise’s chair, “Why is it so hard to understand? I don’t want to be here anymore!” She splayed her hands across her chest and her heart started to race. “I want to go somewhere that feels like home to me. I can’t be here.” She could feel something building in her, something wild and angry and she was trying hard to keep it under control. Her stepmother shrank back in her chair, staring at her wide eyed.

  “Watch yourself.” Her father stood up quickly, his eyes shooting fire at her. “I will not have you talk to Sharise like that.”

  Alexina drew back instantly, the fire out as soon as it had started. Grabbing her drink off the bar, she slumped down into her chair, resting her forehead in her hand wearily, her energy draining away. “I didn’t mean to upset you Sharise. I just...need someone to understand how I feel.” She ran a hand through her hair, sending curls flying “I can’t be here, be around the
same people, have them looking at me in pity. I need...something else.” She looked up at her father, her eyes imploring. “Dad...mom is buried there and so is Dorian. Please understand.”

  Her father averted his face from his daughter’s sad eyes, his hand clenched tightly around a pen he’d picked up from his desk. “I do understand. I’d just hoped that we...never mind.” His voice was quiet and tired sounding, as if his heart was breaking. He brought his eyes back to hers, “If that’s what you want to do, then I —we will support you.”

  Alexina could see that it had cost her father something to say that and she wished that he had finished what he’d been about to say. Sometimes it felt like she and her father were so close and then other times, it was as if he was stranger that shared her skin color and nothing more.

  “Still, what brought all this on?” Sharise asked, her voice quiet.

  Alexina looked away, her eyes settling on a bird that had perched on tree limb, hopping about. “I got a letter from a bank today. Donald had a safety deposit box there and they said that I could come and empty it anytime.” Her body tensed and she let it, needing it to buffer the swirling feelings of guilt and sadness coursing through her.

  “Oh honey...” Sharise trailed off, not sure of what to say.

  A tense silence fell, as Alexina kept her eyes trained on the bird outside the window, wishing that she could just fly away with it. The silence broke when the housekeeper, Gail, came to the study door.

  “Sir, dinner is ready. Marlyn is already waiting for you at the table.”

  The three of them stood, Paxton stepping back to let his daughter and wife pass. Walking across the golden marble floors, they stepped into the large formal dining room, an impressive cherry finish table with pedestal legs in the center of the room.

  This room, with its rich brown wall coverings and crisp white molding, always reminded her of forced dinners and strained conversations. This night was probably going to be the same. Alexina’s heels clicked on the hardwood floors as she took a seat in one of the high backed chairs, her gaze sliding over pictures of Buffalo soldiers on the wall.

  She smiled at her little sister sitting across from her, chuckling at the girl’s clothes. Today, she was wearing a camo shirt, orange shorts and some odd looking feather headband in her curly, reddish brown hair. She looked at the little girl wistfully; she was going to miss her when she left, with her high energy and lively chestnut brown eyes.

  “So what’s for dinner tonight?” Paxton’s voice boomed through the room as he sat down.

  Sharise sat down at the other end of the table, a patient smile in place as she put a linen napkin in her lap. “We’re having broiled Tilapia.”

  Marlyn grimaced. “What is that?”

  Sharise’s gaze flickered over her daughter’s outfit, a scowl in place. “It’s fish.”

  “I hate fish.” Marlyn stuck her tongue out.

  “Too bad. You’re going to eat it.”

  Marlyn huffed, slumping back in her chair. “I don’t like fish either.” Alexina winked slyly at her. The little girl giggled, her small hand flying to her mouth to cover the sound.

  Sharise frowned, clearly not liking what was going on. “So Alexina, when are you leaving for Texas?”

  Alexina’s head snapped up, a dark glare on her face as she stared at her stepmother. She pulled her gaze away, a sniffle across from her drawing her attention. Her heart broke at the sorrowful look on her little sister’s face.

  “You’re leaving?” Marlyn wailed, her voice clogged with tears.

  Alexina threw her hands up, feeling cornered and helpless. “Sweetie, I─”

  “When were you going to tell me?”

  Alexina shrugged, her hands thrown up in a helpless gesture. “I was going to tell you before I left.”

  Marlyn’s bottom lip trembled, a few tears spilling down her smooth cheeks. “When are you leaving?”

  Alexina tried to take a deep breath, finding it hard to draw it in. “Ahh...Friday. I’m catching an early flight.”

  “But that’s like two days away!” She cried, the tears coming faster now.

  Alexina kept her eyes downcast, feeling like a heel. She could feel her father’s gaze on her, a huge weight on her shoulders, the waves of betrayal rolling off him.

  “You’ll come to visit right?” Marlyn asked, her voice quiet. Her little body was hunched in on itself, her chin touching her chest

  “Of course!” Alexina replied earnestly, dismayed to think her sister would think she could just abandon her.

  A tense silence fell, with Marlyn picking at her napkin and Alexina avoiding her father’s heavy gaze. Though she could feel Sharise looking at her, she studiously ignored her look, her eyes trained on a piece of expensive African artwork. She knew Sharise had upset her sister on purpose with her comment and it took all she had not to scream at the woman. She tightened her grip on the butter knife in her hand. Why did she let this woman get to her? She looked up at the sound of the kitchen door opening, her hand loosening on the knife.

  “That smells wonderful Donte`.” Sharise cooed as a tall, thin, Hispanic man carried in a tray loaded with plates.

  He smiled at her, setting a plate in front of each person. Bowing slightly, he retreated to the kitchen.

  The rest of dinner passed painfully slow for Alexina. Her sister refused to look at her, keeping her eyes on her plate, pushing the food around with her fork. Her father seemed engrossed in his dinner, taking his time with each bite. She didn’t even bother looking in her stepmother’s direction. She couldn’t wait to be gone and be free. Just two more days.

  As soon as dinner was finished, she stood, heading towards the foyer. She had to get out before she choked on the tension. She tried to hug her sister on her way out, but the little girl jerked away, running upstairs to her room with tears streaming down her face and slamming the door shut. Ignoring her stepmother, she moved towards the front door.

  “So, how will you be getting to the airport?” Her father asked, his tone gruff as he watched her gather her belongings.

  “I hired a car.” Alexina replied.

  “Where will you stay?”

  Alexina inhaled deeply, prepared for an explosion. “I bought a condo there two months ago.” Her father’s face darkened with anger.

  “What?” His voice was sharp with betrayal. “When were you going to tell us?”

  Alexina flinched; not from the stinging barbs in her father’s voice, but from the crushing hurt she could see in his eyes. She could actually see the delicate bond between her and her father start to crack. If the situation had been different, she might have reached out, tried to make it better. Instead, she shrugged.

  “Keeping secrets until the last minute is nothing new in this family.” Her voice was flat and unemotional. She immediately regretted her words.

  Her father drew back as if she’d struck him, the hurt shuttered behind a mask of indifference. “I hope you have a safe trip. Call me when you get in.”

  “Dad—” he turned on his heel and walked towards his study.

  Alexina watched him walk away, tears stinging at the back of her eyes. She hadn’t meant to say that. Taking a step towards the study, she hesitated, and then stopped. Running a hand through her hair, she knew that if she went in now, words would be said that could possibly break whatever bond she and her father had. Thinking better of it, she turned and headed out the door, closing it softly behind her.

  ~***~

  Alexina stood in front of the entrance to the airport terminal Friday morning, her stomach in knots. She flashed a brief smile at the driver as he loaded her bags onto the luggage cart. She pressed a twenty into his hand, before turning to the porter.

  “Which terminal Ma’am?” the gaunt, leather faced old man asked.

  “Delta.” Alexina’s eyes roamed the area, disappointed that her family was nowhere in sight. Not that she’d really expected it, but it would have been nice.

  She followed the porter to the
ticket counter, her stiletto sandals clicking on the linoleum floor. The agent tossed her hair over her shoulder, an artificial smile in place.

  “Good morning Mrs. Arrington,” The agent greeted, looking over her ticket, “How many bags?”

  The porter behind her stepped up, placing her bags on the scales. “Have a safe trip.” He muttered, ambling off.

  After spending a few minutes of checking in her luggage, Alexina headed towards her gate, her coach carry-on bag slung over her shoulder. She brushed a piece of lint of her khaki colored linen pants, getting in line for the security check. As she passed through the metal detector, she took one last look around, checking for any familiar faces. Tears stinging the back of her eyes, she shrugged and went through the gates. Too late now.

  After a brief wait in the terminal, Alexina and the rest of the 1st class passengers boarded the plane. She found her seat, settling in for the flight. She pressed a hand to her jumpy stomach, nervous about her decision. Would things work out better in Killeen? She hadn’t been back there in years, never really giving it a second thought. Now, she was about to start a whole new life there and she didn’t have a clue what she was going to do. Would she be able to ease the emptiness that had been growing steadily for the past two years? She hoped so. So much was riding on this move, her whole future.

  She pulled a magazine from her bag and flipped through it, skimming pages quickly. The words ran together and she had to pause a moment to regain her focus. She looked up briefly when a man in a well tailored suit sat next to her. His gaze flickered over her, pausing on the swell of her breasts rising above the square neckline of her black silk tunic. He flashed a grin that reminded her of a car salesman.

  “I’m Jeff.” He held out a well manicure hand, “I’m a doctor.”

  Alexina took his hand, a feeling of unease shooting down her spine. “I’m Alexina.” She wondered if they would let her switch seats.