The Spinster Sisters

by Ballis, Stacey

  “Mr. Duncan! You can’t possibly . . . ummm . . . oh my.” But apparently Mr. Duncan could, possibly, making me feel frankly wicked and beyond sexy.

  After such a delightfully unexpected second act, we couldn’t be blamed for feeling completely starved, in spite of having had something of a Middle Eastern feast from Reza’s a mere three hours ago. Confirmed by the mutual gut rumblings that have just erupted.

  “I think we’re going to need sustenance,” Connor says. “May I suggest pancakes and bacon somewhere nearby before I head home?”

  “You’re not staying over?”

  “Um, let’s see . . . you’re going to settle in all curled up next to me and then begin a nightlong twitchtravaganza in anticipation of tomorrow’s festivities. Then you’re going to get out of bed at some ungodly hour to begin a festival of primping and prepping, which I prefer remain a mystery.” Connor reaches over and with one finger under my chin, closes my mouth, which is apparently gaping open. “C’mon. Get up, throw on some clothes, and we’ll go have a midnight breakfast to replace the one we won’t have tomorrow.” Connor gets up and heads for my bathroom. I stretch and pull on a pair of jeans and an old sweater.

  I’m very nervous that Connor’s decision to not spend the night is somehow reflective of his feelings for me. Or lack thereof. On the other hand, I’m somehow tickled by the fact that he knows me well enough to know that I’m unlikely to have a restful evening’s sleep. And I do kind of like that he’s confident enough to simply go home, as opposed to staying because it seems the thing to do. And I like that he and I have been spending so much time together of late. It was something of a revelation when he called to suggest a late dinner tonight that my first instinct was to cancel my plans with Abbot. Something about it felt good and right. I’m feeling like I am on the verge of something, and when Connor looked at me and said he really wanted us to make love, I didn’t hesitate to say yes to him. I think about what Jill was saying earlier. I think about making personal decisions for professional reasons. And I’m beginning to think maybe it is time for a paradigm shift.

  “All yours,” Connor says, coming back into the bedroom and breaking me out of my reverie.

  I smile and touch his cheek. “Be right back.” I head into the bathroom to tidy up so that I can go have pancakes with my guy.

  “Thank you all so much for everything, truly. I’m just so touched!” Jill smiles at the assembled crowd, having managed to open all forty-two of her shower gifts with grace and dignity and transparent gratitude. And it was quite a haul, huge generosity from everyone, beautiful housewares and expensive kitchen appliances. Even Hunter’s family had a good time and only seemed shocked by a couple of the lingerie gifts.

  “I really need to pee,” she whispers to me.

  “Come on,” I say. “I think we can sneak through the back.”

  Jill and I head through the crowd toward the ladies’ room. “This was so perfect, Jodi. Thank you so much. It absolutely was the shower that I wanted.” Then she giggles. “I can’t believe you said there were going to be games! You had me so scared.”

  We’re laughing as we enter the bathroom, distracted enough that we don’t notice the redhead checking her lipstick in the mirror.

  “Well, well, what a surprise and coincidence. If it isn’t the Spingold sisters.”

  Jill and I turn at once toward the voice to find none other than Mallory.

  “And to think I was planning on calling you on Monday! Such a small world. We haven’t officially met.” She turns to Jill. “I’m Mallory. Brant’s girlfriend.”

  “So nice to make your acquaintance,” Jill says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “I don’t doubt that’s true,” Mallory says. “And I’ve heard a lot about you. For example, I’ve heard that the two of you have managed to get yourselves into a negative publicity pickle. It’s pretty amazing when you attain the level of fame and success that the two of you have, that you haven’t had such a big backlash before. Especially since it seems that no one in your organization has ever given any indication to the public that you’re anything less than well, frankly, perfect.”

  I can feel Jill begin to seethe next to me, but she maintains her smile and her calm composure as she responds. “Why, Mallory, it’s true that we’ve been fortunate enough to not be the focus of any seriously negative PR before now. In no small part because we do everything within our power to run a good, fair, honest business and actually to present ourselves to the world as human, and therefore flawed. In fact, if you read any of our books or listen to our shows, you will find that we use ourselves as examples, frequently of how not to do something. And we are very clear with our audience about the fact that part of what makes us good at our job is the fact that we have made many mistakes. That we learn from them, and seek to not make them again, and try to prevent other women from repeating them by sharing the details.”

  Mallory’s smile is entirely devoid of warmth. “Oh sure, you’ve talked openly about your little dating mistakes, your white lies with friends, your occasional career faux pas. But let’s be honest. You haven’t been as forthcoming as you might, and there are certainly things from your collective pasts that would not reflect so well on the business.”

  “What exactly are you implying, Mallory?” I ask. “Clearly you have an agenda. Why not just put your cards on the table?”

  “All right, if you want to know my position. I think Brant may have told you that I’ve decided not to pursue a law career, but instead to return to my first love, which is public relations.”

  “Actually,” I say, “what Brant told me was that you were unable to pass the bar for the third time and were let go by your law firm.”

  Mallory blanches. And then turns a deep shade of red, which clashes ferociously with her hair. “Regardless,” she says, clearly intending to ignore my remark, “I have made an application to return to my old PR firm. They have made it clear to me that I need to be able to demonstrate that I still have connections in the press. Which means I need a news item that I can plant that will get publicity, to indicate that to my company. I think that my former contacts would be very interested in some of the information that I have about the two of you. Especially in light of Jill’s impending marriage and all the hoopla it has created. After all, it does seem a bit incongruous that suddenly a divorcée and a married woman are going to be telling the single women of the world how to live their lives, don’t you think? Better everyone have all the facts.”

  “Mallory, you can tell your connections at the press whatever you damn well feel like,” Jill spits out sharply. “We know who we are, we know how we run our business, and the women who turn to us for guidance and advice will continue to do so, because the guidance is honestly given and the advice is intelligent and sound. But I will be surprised if your potential new employer will be impressed by any sort of additional negative publicity that you might attempt to create around our company, piggybacking on the sad workings of a few loudmouths. Surely, the crux of their business is to enable and encourage positive press placements for their clients. And if the only thing you have to offer them are lies and half-truths that shed a negative light on someone, I’m hard-pressed to believe that they will find that an attractive package for a new employee.”

  “Regardless of whether it is the kind of information that will get me the job,” Mallory says with a smirk, “I find that it is the kind of information that will blast itself across tabloids, make the cut for Entertainment Tonight, maybe even get a Saturday Night Live spoof. Or maybe Dave’s top ten reasons not to trust a Spinster Sister. Even if it’s mostly print media, it will force your own PR firm to do some serious spinning on the old Spinster Inc. image. It’s likely to cost you a pretty penny to undo the damage that could be wrought.”

  Jill begins to laugh. “Oh my God, Dr. Evil, this is the holdup? You are threatening us with negative publicity in order to get something out of us. Pray tell, Mallory. I can only imagine. What exactly is i
t that you want?”

  Mallory sighs as if we have offended her delicate sensibilities. “It isn’t about me. But Brant has suffered.” She snaps her head around to look me in the eye, glaring with a fierce intensity and hatred. She begins to jab her finger in the air in my direction. “How would it look to your readers and listeners that you continue to take alimony payments from a man who makes so much less than you, and who is struggling to make his bills, while you rake in millions! A man who didn’t get his bonus this year, and was just given three months’ notice that he is likely to be downsized if the business doesn’t pick up. How do you suppose it makes him feel to be the brunt of your jokes? Your example of a failed relationship? Brant is too nice a guy to tell you how hurtful that is. Just like he’s too nice a guy to tell you how awful it is for him to try to meet his obligation to you, knowing that every check he sends you negatively impacts his own financial well-being. All the while he sees the level of financial success that you are enjoying. It seems very clear to me that you would not currently have your business at all were it not for your relationship with Brant, and I personally find it unconscionable that not only does he not recoup any personal financial gain from the company that in essence was sparked by your relationship with him but that you continue to participate in his financial downfall. And yet you purport to be his friend, to care about him and want his happiness! What a fraud you are, Jodi, really, so very sad. And not so flattering a portrait to have on the front page.”

  I take a deep breath so that I may remain calm in light of this attack. “Mallory. My relationship with Brant and any financial connection between us is quite simply none of your business. I think it is very interesting that this is all coming up at a point in time when you yourself are not participating financially in your life with Brant. It strikes me that of the two of us, you are the bigger financial obligation, since you are living off of his salary. Living in his condo, with him paying all of your bills. I’m sure that Brant has shared with you that our financial arrangement, as you call it, is quite simply a repayment of a student loan, which I paid for him at a time when I was making next to no money, in order to secure our future. I am equally sure, considering the seriousness of your relationship with Brant, that he has shared with you that it was, in fact, his idea to repay that loan. As far as my business is concerned, Brant has never been any part of this endeavor. He was not present for the conception. He did not participate in any aspect of the creation of the business, and we had been divorced for over a year before the business even launched. To even remotely imply that he is entitled to any compensation from Spinster Inc., let alone eliminating the repayment of his debt, is preposterous. I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is in you that makes Brant believe that you are the best person for him. But his relationship with you is his own business. I find it difficult to imagine that Brant would condone your threats, which you appear on the surface to be presenting as your protection of Brant’s interests. And I will let you decide whether or not to share with him the details of this meeting. But let me make perfectly clear that there is nothing you can say or do that will inspire me to forgive the rest of the loan nor make any compensation to Brant out of the Spinster Inc. success. I hope I make that perfectly clear.”

  “That is your prerogative,” Mallory says. “But I would suggest that you speak to your own PR firm and think about the potential ramifications of broader negative publicity before you make any final decision. By the end of the week I intend to have some interesting conversations with some of my media connections, unless I hear from Brant that his financial picture has changed materially. I’m so glad we ran into each other. Have a good day.”

  Mallory smiles her twisted, cold smile and exits the bathroom. I’m shaking I’m so angry. Jill reaches over and takes my hand.

  “Don’t even think about it,” she says. “There’s nothing she can do to harm us. And she and Brant are in for one hell of a fight if they pursue this line of extortion.”

  I turn to Jill. “We do have to talk with our advisers about this. She is right about one thing. Negative publicity is still negative, even if later it’s proven to be manipulated or outright untrue. It doesn’t positively affect the business, that’s for sure, and considering what we’ve been dealing with, we have to have some outside advice on how to handle her threats. We’re at a very tenuous place with the television deal. That contract is not yet signed, and you heard Krista say that they are reconsidering their options and holding off for now. If something like this really blows up, they could very well decide once and for all that they don’t want to work with us. Our deal is up in nine months with XM, and once Facing Down Forty is finished, we’ve fulfilled our publishing contract. We could literally be one hundred percent out of work if everyone decides we’re a bad publicity risk!”

  “I know it’s upsetting, but let’s try not to think about it today. When we go in on Monday, we’ll gather the troops, explain what’s happened. And we’ll talk through all the possible outcomes. But I would rather lose the television deal and maintain our dignity and our integrity than pay that troll and your idiot ex any hush money. I feel very badly for Brant. I’m sure he cannot possibly imagine that the woman he is living with would behave in such a manner. You really should tell him.”

  “I can’t. It comes off bitter. He’ll take it however he wants to take it, and Lord knows she’ll do everything in her power to manipulate it and turn it around to make me even more the evil ex-wife. Brant is going to have to figure out on his own that he is living with a heartless, gold-digging she-devil.”

  “Your choice. Now, I really have to pee before we go back to my beautiful party.”

  “I’m so sorry. I hate that this is going to be a mark on your special day.” Poor Jill. Embroiled in my sick drama with my ex-husband’s psycho girlfriend.

  “No worries, it takes a lot more than idle threats from a butt-munch like that to ruin such a spectacular party.”

  Jill heads into one of the stalls, and I take a cloth from the side of the sink, run it under the cold water, and pat my face. It’s easy to get on my high horse and play righteously indignant in the moment. But I think back to every deep, dark secret I ever shared with Brant during the course of our friendship and marriage and wonder how many of them I would actually be comfortable seeing in print. And Mallory is correct about one thing. Seen from a certain light, my continued acceptance of the student loan money through the filter of my enormous financial stability can be easily portrayed as greedy or vindictive. With the company on the line, not to mention my existing concerns about the impact Jill’s marriage will ultimately have on the business even without the smear campaign, I do believe that there is cause for worry. The stall door opens, and Jill exits, straightening her skirt. She washes her hands, touches up her lip gloss, and gives me a megawatt smile.

  “What do you say we go back to my party and have more bubbly?” she asks.

  I smile back at her. “I think that’s an excellent idea.” I hold the bathroom door open for her, and arm in arm, heads held high, we go back to the celebration.

  Inconvenient Truths

  Just because a relationship isn’t exclusive or serious does not mean that you won’t have occasion to have important and serious conversations with your lover about the relationship itself. However casual the connection may be between you and your lover, it is necessary and essential to your health as a human being to tackle any issues that may be impinging on the quality of that relationship in a straightforward manner. Avoid accusations, and eliminate the words “we need to talk” from your vocabulary. Choosing the appropriate time to bring the subjects up can ensure that our relationships are smooth, happy, and healthy. We strongly discourage having these conversations either immediately before or immediately after a sexual encounter. A man who believes he is about to have sex is thoroughly unprepared for serious talk about other aspects of his life. And it is generally considered inhumane to begin a serious relationship discussion wit
h a man who is naked.

  —From The Thirty Commandments by Jill and Jodi Spingold

  “How is your chicken teriyaki?” I ask Ben over dinner at Hachi’s Kitchen.

  “Excellent,” he replies. “Wanna bite?”

  “No thanks. I’m getting full, and I haven’t even finished all my sashimi yet.” I’ve been sort of avoiding him since New Year’s, and, strangely, he hasn’t been complaining. But it is nice to see him.

  “So what do you guys think you’re going to do about Mallory’s threats?”

  “There’s still some debate,” I admit. “All the girls at the office agree with Jill that we should stand firm, not do anything, and let Mallory do her worst. But Krista, our agent, is concerned about how it could affect the television deal, which is already shaky, and our PR firm has been very up front about the fact that we are ripe for a massive negative PR campaign.”

  We’ve run this company for nearly five years without any terribly serious backlash. There is some validity to the idea that the media could smell potential weakness in the two of us personally and in the company in general. It was one thing when it was just general snipes from the conservatives and the Christian Right, attacking our values. But the latest stuff is evenly split between our usual detractors and some disheartened former fans, and that is dangerous. And while everyone is in agreement that any accusations or implications would be baseless, and ultimately we would be exonerated, it’s difficult to respond to such an attack and not look defensive. Considering the planned expansion for the company, the new merchandising deals, and the television contract, which could open up a whole new area of business for us, they are recommending at this point that we strongly consider some sort of financial settlement with Brant. Ultimately, it will be Jill’s and my decision, but we have a lot of people who are counting on us and need this company to retain its success. If we go down, it isn’t just the two of us that are affected. There are nine women full-time in our offices who are counting on our sustaining the viability of this company, not to mention literally hundreds of others in a less direct way. It becomes very difficult to consider taking a stance out of our own pride and self-righteousness that could ultimately destroy not only what we worked so hard to build but also put at serious risk the livelihoods of the people who have helped us get where we are.