Whiskey Lullaby

by Stevie J. Cole

  Kissing. Touching. Holding and moving against each other in the dark. The way our breaths mingled together, our bodies trying so desperately to say the words I believed we were both too scared to speak. It was perfect. He pinned my arms above my head, telling me how beautiful I was.

  By the time I’d come undone, saying his name like a prayer I’d rehearsed my entire life, we were both covered in sweat and breathless.

  “Fuck,” he groaned, my body still tensing around him. “Just…fuck, Hannah.” I watched him. When he let go, his eyes slammed shut and his lips opened before his chin dropped to his chest on a low growl. I wanted to believe I was the only person who’d ever seen him look like that. I wanted to believe I was the only girl who could make him feel that good. Noah collapsed onto the bed beside me, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling while dragging his fingers through his damp hair. “You are…”

  I was still breathless. “What?”

  “There are no words. No words.”

  It felt right. So damn right to have given myself to him. I wanted that part of me to forever belong to him because he made me feel. We laid in silence for a few minutes before he took a deep breath and dragged me onto his chest. “Promise me,” he said. “Promise me that no matter what happens between us, we’ll stay friends. I can’t lose you.”

  The buzz circulating through me faded. I suddenly became very aware that I was still naked in his bed. Stay… friends? “Yeah. Sure.”

  “What?” He shifted underneath me. “What’s the matter? It felt good, didn’t it?”

  My chest tightened. “Yeah.”

  He kissed my forehead. “Good. I want it to feel good for you.”

  I swallowed. There was a storm of questions swirling in my head, a whirlwind of worries. After another deep breath, he patted my back and moved out from underneath me, yanking the condom off on his way to the bathroom. I watched him cross the room, watched the muscles of his back catch in the moonlight streaming in through the window. The mind is a funny thing. A master trickster. Moments before, I had been convinced what we shared was the ultimate act of love, but there I laid, contemplating what it really was. I glanced at the condom wrapper on his nightstand, then down to the half-opened drawer before I sat up enough to peek inside at the opened box of condoms. A few packets lay scattered around it, one of them obviously open and empty. My stomach knotted, and I laid back on the pillow before dragging a hand down my face.

  When Noah came out of the bathroom, he crawled into bed next to me, draping his arm around me. I wanted to ask him what we were, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Not that night. I just wanted to lay in the dark, against his warm body and pretend that I wouldn’t regret what I’d just done.

  32

  Noah

  Hannah fell asleep, but I couldn’t.

  My head was in a tailspin of confusion. I’d never felt so connected to a person, and that scared me shitless. Love hadn’t proven to be too fond of me, and I’d done my best at staying far away from feeling for anyone aside from Grandma. But fate didn’t give me much of a choice with Hannah, it kept throwing her in my face, and I couldn’t ignore her. Someone with a soul as refreshing as hers, any man would be a fool not to fall for her.

  I sighed, breathing in the scent of her hair. Amber and vanilla. I almost laughed. Nothing sexy. Nothing sensual. Just pure like her. I almost—almost—slipped up and told her I loved her. The words were on the tip of my tongue when I slid inside her, it felt right to say, but fear forced them back.

  She was in a bad spot, dealing with her mom and all, and part of me couldn’t help but think that’s all I was—a way to ignore the shitty part of her life. After all, misery loves company and I’m sure hanging out with the likes of me had to make her feel like her life wasn’t so bad. The question was, should I keep falling for the girl I knew would wake up one day and realize she had no future with me? There wasn’t shit I could give her. Nothing. Unless that shit about Brice was legitimate, then maybe I could… And therein lay another issue, what the hell was I supposed to do about that? If he wanted me to go to Nashville, was I supposed to just throw that at her: Oh, I know your mom’s dying, but I have to move away for a little while. I groaned, staring at the ceiling. That’s something I didn’t need to bother her with unless something came of it, and besides, if it was just a load of shit, why make it look like I believed I was capable of something like that? No, I’d just keep my mouth shut.

  Hannah rolled onto her back and I glanced over at her. The moonlight shining through the window bathed her face in a silver light. God, she was undeniably gorgeous. I didn’t need sex with her. I just needed her. It was too deep already, I knew that as I trailed a fingertip over her lips. She was asleep, so it was safe… “I love you, Hannah Blake,” I whispered. Those words felt so foreign on my tongue, but God, it was like I’d just confessed my sins to a priest. There was this sense of relief because I realized my cynical ass could love someone without even trying. It just had to be the right person.

  ______

  When I woke that next morning, she wasn’t in the bed. I threw on some gym shorts, took a piss, and found her already dressed and sitting on the cinder block step in front of my house just staring out at Old Man’s junked-up yard.

  When the door closed behind me, she startled. “Hey, you,” I said.

  “Hey.”

  “How long have you been up.”

  She shrugged a shoulder. Shit, I just knew she was regretting the night before. I took a seat next to her and snatched one of the tall weeds peeking up between the porch and the house. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “Yeah…” I rubbed a hand over her back. “You okay about last night?”

  She nodded. God, she was regretting it. “I mean, I just…” she huffed. “I don’t know.”

  “I never intended to do that, sleep with you, I—”

  She laughed. “Wow, way to make a girl feel good.”

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that.” She jerked away from me a little. “Listen, it’s just, I care a lot about you.”

  “Yeah, and I care about you.”

  I swallowed. The uncomfortable heat of vulnerability crawled up my neck. There were two ways to find out how a girl felt about you: tell her point blank how you felt about her or make her think you didn’t care about her. If I told Hannah how I felt, she could have shot me down like a wounded bird, or worse, she may have felt forced to tell me she loved me too just to avoid hurting me.

  “That’s what dear friends do, care for each other.” I cringed when I said it. She tensed under my hand. My pulse hammered against my ribs.

  She shook her head. “I don’t even know what I’m doing.” That made two of us. She pushed to her feet and turned to face me. Her expression was unreadable and that scared the shit out of me. What was I doing? “I want more than that with you,” I said. “I always have.”

  She pressed her lips together in a hard line. “I don’t know what I want, to be honest. I don’t know what I need right now. I just…”

  Doubt settled in. She didn’t need the stress of whatever this was between us, and to be honest, I didn’t even know if I could be what she needed in that aspect. I was immature, unsettled, but damn, I loved her. “Don’t think about it then,” I said, placing my arm around her shoulder. When I went to kiss her, she barely kissed me back.

  “Don’t do this.” I sighed.

  The sound of gravel crunching under tires caught my attention. I glanced toward the road to see Meg’s car pulling down the drive. I couldn’t help but let out a sarcastic laugh. “Wow, you were gonna bounce?” I tossed my hands up. “Just like that?”

  “It’s early, and I needed to get home.”

  “You could have woken me up.”

  “I just need to… think about what I’m doing, Noah.”

  “Okay. It’s fine.”

  “I can’t keep a clear head when I’m around you.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, alright, well”—I backed up
the steps—“well, you just let me know when your head’s cleared.” Angry and hurt, I yanked the door open and stepped inside before she could say anything else, and I went straight to the fridge to grab a beer.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have pulled the dear friend bullshit, but still, she’d already made up her mind. I chugged the beer. She called her fucking friend to come get her. I tossed the empty beer can into the trash and heard my phone ringing in my bedroom. Swearing under my breath at my stupidity, I went to my room and grabbed the phone.

  “Yeah?” I said, rubbing over my neck.

  “Noah, it’s Brice. Again.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Like I said when you hung up on me the first time, I saw a video of you covering one of my songs and I was impressed.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So much so, I showed it to my agent. I’m always looking for new voices to do collaborations with, I was going to invite you to record a song with me.”

  I froze, staring straight ahead at the mirror. He can’t be serious.

  “You still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here just kinda…”

  He laughed. “Well, it was a last-minute thought. I have this song I need another voice for, no one I’ve tried feels just right. Now, I’m not saying it’s a sure thing, hell, you may get up here and might not sound anything like that video. Maybe you just suck at recording, but there’s only one way to find out for sure.”

  “You’re serious?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like an idiot.

  “Serious as a heart attack.” He chuckled. “Only problem is. I only have three more days in the studio.”

  “Okay.”

  “So, if you’re interested, you’re gonna have to come up here. Today.”

  “Today?”

  “Today. That’s why I had been trying to get in touch with you for a while, but I’m sure whatever employer you have would understand, and I’ll cover your accommodations, lost wages and such.”

  He’s fucking serious! My heart banged around so hard I was afraid I might literally keel over right there. I’d never even thought of doing anything with music besides singing at Tipsy’s. “Yeah, yeah. Um, I can be there. I can leave in a little bit, it’s just about a four-hour drive.”

  “Alright. I’ll text you the address. Looking forward to meeting you.”

  I still had the phone pressed to my ear when he hung up. The dial tone eventually rang through the line and I dropped the phone to my side. “No fucking way,” I mumbled before grabbing a shirt from the floor and pulling it over my head. “No way…”

  This was my chance to do something worth a shit. To pay Grandma back, to be good enough for Hannah. I glanced down at the phone and pulled up Hannah’s number, sending a quick text for her to call me. She may have needed time or space or a clear head, whatever, but I sure as shit didn’t want her to think I’d just left her. I grabbed a backpack from the closet and threw a few shirts and a pair of jeans in it before snatching up my guitar on the way out the door.

  ______

  Thunder rumbled in the distance. Thick, black clouds rolled in and the wind kicked up while I stood at the lone gas pump of the Bait and Tackle, filling up my truck. Just as I placed the handle back on the pump, John’s truck parked behind me. The unoiled hinges on his door creaked. I twisted the cap to my gas tank. “Hey, John,” I said and waved.

  “Hey.” He shoved a hand into his pocket and walked up beside my truck. “You got a minute?”

  I nodded and closed the lid on my tank.

  “I’ve given this a lot of thought, so don’t think I’ve come by this easy, because I haven’t.”

  Here we go, I thought. “I appreciate what you’ve done around the farm. You’ve been a mighty big help, but I think it may be best if you started looking for work elsewhere.” I opened my mouth to speak and he held up a hand. “Now, I’m not gonna just put you out, I’ll give you time. I just think it’s best that you and Hannah not be forced to be around each other.”

  I gritted my teeth.

  “She’s my baby girl, and she’s going through a rough time, what with her momma and all.”

  My pulse ticked, ticked, ticked up. The blood that rushed to my face stung like a swarm of bees. I swallowed the words on the tip of my tongue.

  “She…” he inhaled. “Her heart’s about to be broken enough when she loses her mother, she doesn’t need a broken heart from you to go along with all that.” He nods, the look in his eyes growing stern.

  I felt my nostrils flare, and shit, I fought so many words. “I wouldn’t do that to her.”

  “I think you’re a good kid, just…” He trailed off. What he meant should have been understood, but I was a stubborn son of a bitch, and I wanted him to say it. I wanted him to see what a hypocrite he was.

  “Just, what, John?”

  He hung his head and mumbled, “God forgive me. You’re not good enough for her, Noah. You have to know that? She has drive,” John whispered, taking a step toward me. Conflict swirled in his old blue eyes, like he was warring with himself. He knew what he was doing wasn’t exactly right, but he also knew he didn’t want his daughter with a guy like me. “Noah, do you know what kind of reputation you’ll give her? The things I’ve heard about you, and she’s… Hannah’s…” His jaw clenched. “Getting arrested! Spending the night at your house. It’s a small town and people talk. They’re talking about my daughter like she’s some, some…” He swallowed. “Like she’s some girl you’d be with.”

  My fingers drew into a fist, his gaze drifted down to my hands and he closed his eyes.

  “I don’t doubt you care about her, but if you really care about her, put her first.”

  I wasn’t even good enough to love her—just care about her.

  I was pissed, but the thing was: he was right. I had known it since I saw her in that church in her knee-length dress. She was the kind of girl I always wanted but could never have.

  Girls like her married up, not down.

  And if I loved her, wouldn’t I want what’s best for her?

  “Yep, I’ll leave her alone.” I grabbed the door to my truck and yanked it open.

  “Noah, I—”

  “It’s fine. And don’t worry about keeping me on. I don’t need the job anyway.” I climbed into the truck, then turned to glare at him. “You know, I’d expect this from other people, but not you, John.” I exhaled and shook my head before slamming the door. “Not you.”

  I cranked the engine, shoved the gear into drive, and revved the engine. Gravel flew up behind my tires. A cloud of dust stirred into the air as I floored the accelerator and pulled out onto County Road 2, typing the address Brice had sent into my GPS.

  Sixty songs and one-hundred and sixty-five miles later, I pulled off the interstate to make a pit stop and grab some food. I sat at the dirty table in a rundown Krystal’s, scrolling my phone. Hannah hadn’t messaged me back. It was a little after one, which meant Grandma would still be at her weekly lunch with the ladies from church. I dialed her number and waited for the answering machine to pick up. “You’ve reached Doris Mae Greyson, I’m not here right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you just as fast as a chicken on a June bug.” Beep.

  “Hey Grandma, I, uh, I had something come up, some little singing gig up in Tennessee, so I’ll be gone for a few days. Nothing big, just a little extra money, so… just call me if you need me. I love you.”

  I hung up and placed the phone on the table beside the half-empty ketchup bottle. It felt wrong to lie to her like that, but I didn’t want her to get her hopes up. It’s easier to fail when no one knows you have.

  My mind was jumbled with thoughts of Hannah, of what her dad said, while I finished my food. After I dumped my tray, I headed to the restroom and then out to the car. I climbed into my truck and cranked the engine. Out of habit, I shoved my hand into my pocket to grab my phone and place it on the console, only my pocket was empty. I glanced around inside the truck for my phon
e, then opened the door and looked on the ground as I retraced my steps. When I walked back into the restaurant, I realized I never grabbed it from the table. Shit, I thought as I hurried toward the booth—the booth with no phone on the table.

  I grabbed the edge of the seat and looked underneath. Nothing. I went to the counter and one of the acne-riddled teens glanced up. “Can I help you?”

  “Yeah, did anyone grab a phone from that table?” I pointed behind me.

  “Uh…” He stepped to the side and grabbed another employee. There was an exchange of words before he turned back. “No, dude. Sorry.”

  Tossing my head back, I rubbed my hands down my face. Fate, luck— whatever you called it, was an asshole. “Alright.”

  All of my pictures, my contacts where fucking gone! I shoved the door open and stepped out into the hot afternoon sun. As pissed as I was that someone took my phone, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about that in the middle of Bumfuck Alabama. At least I’d put the address in my GPS. Silver lining and all.

  33

  Hannah

  My shift at the ER that night was crazy. There was a pile-up on Highway 280 and the less critical patients were all brought in to us. At least it kept me busy, but once the patients had been transferred to surgery or rooms, the ER calmed down. The rooms were empty, and it was just me and Rachel Thomas. She had been a grade above me in high school. Cheerleader. Pageant queen. We’d said two words to each other our entire lives.

  Meg had been texting me all night, checking on me. I told her nothing happened when she picked me up. As always, she knew I was lying. But, for once, I stuck by my lie and told her I just didn’t want to wake Noah, swearing nothing happened.