by H. M. Bailey
How was I going to endure this engagement. It meant the end of all my hopes for a relationship with Grant. I needed to get myself together, I couldn’t wallow like this in public. I was crazy to have had this crush for so long, this was probably the best thing to happen, actually. I knew that I needed to move on with my life. I made the decision right there that I was going to do something big, something drastic.
A move. Yes! That’s it! That’s exactly what I needed. To get out of Sawyer Falls. Start fresh. After all, I didn’t have anything tying me down here. My parents had moved to Florida and my older brother lived in Seattle. I had been planning on giving up my library job once I went to grad school and I wasn’t getting any younger. This was going to be fun. But where? Florida with my parents? The humidity would show no mercy to my hair. Seattle? The weather there was no better for my hair with all the rainy days. But maybe planning where you’ll live based on how the weather treats your hair isn’t the best strategy.
Suddenly I was hit with a spark of inspiration. San Diego! My roommate from college, Katie, had moved there after graduation and was always begging me to go out there for a visit. Right on the ocean, with plenty of options for grad school nearby, a good friend to help me learn my way around the city. Perfect!
It would definitely be a big change from Sawyer Falls, but hopefully it would help me to let go of the hope I’d been grasping for the last six years of a future with Grant Harris. I should have done this a long time ago.
I was suddenly painfully aware that Tony had been by my side this whole time that I had been mentally planning my future. He hadn’t been saying anything. I wondered what he must have thought of me. I apologized for my lack of conversation and told him my stomach wasn’t feeling the best, probably from too much eggnog. That was true, my stomach was tied up in knots still. He said he was going to go to the kitchen to see if he could get me some ginger ale.
I watched him walk away and realized what a gentleman he was. There were a lot of great guys out there, I told myself. I wondered how many I had let slip through my fingers. I felt bad for every guy I dated in college because no one ever matched up to Grant. Now, I’d need to be more open to new relationships. I deserved to be happy in life and find someone to spend my life with, just as Grant had done.
Molly saw me alone and came to sit by me. She gave me a sympathetic smile and patted my knee. “Sorry, Court, I really had no idea he was going to spring that on us. Maybe she’s pregnant.” Then she looked guilty. “That’s not very nice of me is it. Especially to someone who will soon be my family. I always thought someday maybe you and I would be cousins.”
“That would have been nice, I’m not going to lie. I would have really liked that.” I realized I needed to change the subject before I started crying. “I can’t believe I spent $200 for highlights. What was I thinking?”
“Are you kidding? They look gorgeous! The blond pieces really make your beautiful green eyes pop. And I don’t think it’s been wasted at all. There have been plenty of men giving you a second look, tonight, if you would have taken notice. Especially Tony, I can tell he really likes you. What do you think of him?”
“He seems like a great guy. He’s actually getting some ginger ale to soothe my stomach right now, isn’t that sweet?”
As if on cue, Tony came up behind us with a red plastic cup of ginger ale. Molly and I stood up and I thanked him. I was feeling a little better already. That is, until I saw Molly look behind me as the color in her face drained. I turned around to see the Grant and Sabrina coming up to us.
Molly’s color returned as quickly as it drained and she regained her composure as the consummate hostess. She smiled at Grant. “I was wondering what you had planned when I saw you head for the mike, singing isn’t your thing.” She laughed as she gave him a hug. “I think you surprised everyone here, including me. Congratulations!”
Then she turned to Sabrina and offered congratulations to her as well, admiring her ring. I wanted to have the grace and courtesy that Molly possessed, I really did. But I just stood there, smiling like an idiot. I finally found my tongue. “Congratulations to you both,” I said. Grant leaned in to hug me but I stopped him by holding out my hand. He shook it and then shook Tony’s waiting hand as well.
“So, you work in a library?” Sabrina asked out of the blue, looking directly at me. She said the word library in a condescending and slightly disgusted tone, like working in a library was the equivalent of running a puppy mill.
I held my head high and answered, “Yes, I do for now. I love working at the library, it’s a great job, but I won’t be there much longer. I’m moving soon and starting grad school.” Well, technically I haven’t even applied to any grad schools there yet, but I would be soon enough.
I saw Molly raise an eyebrow at me. “You’re moving?”
“Yes, I was actually going to tell you tonight, but didn’t get a chance yet.”
“Where are you moving to?” Grant asked me.
“San Diego. My roommate from college lives there and keeps telling me how great it is. I think there’d be lots of opportunities there.” I didn’t go into detail, letting Grant wonder exactly what I’d meant by the word ‘opportunities’.
“Well that’s two surprises for me tonight. I hope there won’t be any more because I don’t think my brain can take it.” Molly smiled at me but her eyes told me that she knew what I was up to. She knew me too well.
Grant looked like he had been taken by surprise. “I can’t believe you’re moving,” he said. “I remember you saying how much you loved Sawyer Falls and that you could picture settling down here, raising a family.”
“Well, maybe someday I’ll do just that, but for right now, I really need a change.” I looked in his blue eyes while reminding myself that he was taken, he belongs to someone else.
Again, our conversation was cut short by a hand. This time, it was a big, masculine hand that clapped him on the shoulder. Grant turned around to find an old high school buddy congratulating him and handing him a drink, drawing him away to a group of his old football friends, leaving Sabrina with us. She was about to turn around to follow him but turned back to us, addressing me.
“I can tell a lot about people by what they wear. It’s just a gift I have. I would have guessed you were a librarian even before anyone told me. It fits you perfectly, really. Bookish, uptight, an old maid librarian. Good luck with your move.” Now that she didn’t have Grant right next to her, the venom came out. She turned around and flounced away before I could say anything. I looked from Molly to Tony, embarrassed.
“Ooh, she is just evil! And after we just congratulated her!” Molly was looking after Sabrina with a scowl.
“Don’t listen to anything she said,” Tony said, reassuring me. “You’re the best looking girl here. She’s just jealous. Come on, let’s have some fun! Do you like to sing?”
Before I could answer him, he’d grabbed my hand and led me halfway to the karaoke corner. I still wasn’t feeling the best but I appreciated his trying to get me to have some fun.
“Do you sing?” he asked again as he started looking for a good song.
“Sure, I sing. What did you have in mind?”
“Something good. We’ll show her you can let your hair down; you’re no uptight librarian.”
I smiled. He didn’t know me very well. There was probably more truth in Sabrina’s words than I would have liked to admit.
“How about Jingle Bell Rock?”
“Sounds great!”
He handed me a second mike and I looked out into the crowd, feeling a little self-conscious. I looked down at the words running across the screen, waiting for the music to start. More people started gathering around us. I was getting warm. The music started and I started singing but then stopped. I couldn’t read the lyrics any more, it was all a blur on the screen, making me dizzy trying to read it. I looked up at all the faces, spinning, trying to focus on one face to make it stop. I saw Molly, Grant, Sabrina, the f
aces were going by too fast, all looking at me.
The last thing I heard before I fainted was Tony asking me if I was alright.
The next thing I was aware of when I woke up was that I was now on the couch and there were many faces still around me, peering down at me. At least they weren’t spinning any more.
“What happened?”
“You fainted,” Molly said.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry.”
Everyone laughed as if I’d said something funny.
“Don’t be sorry, we’re just glad you’re ok. I thought maybe you were trying to get out of our duet,” Tony said.
Once people realized that I was ok, they slowly moved back to other areas of the party, much to my relief. I felt humiliated. I think I’d had enough fun for one night. I told Molly I was going to head home.
“Are you sure, Court? Maybe you should just rest here for a little while, to make sure you’re ok. I’d hate for you to faint again while you were driving.”
I didn’t want to stay any longer at that party, but she had a point.
“I can take you home, if you don’t mind,” Tony offered.
I usually didn’t accept rides from someone I just met, but Molly was nodding like it was a good idea and I knew that she knew him well. I thanked him and he helped me with my coat and out to my car like I was a pregnant lady in labor.
“I’m really ok, now,” I assured him. “I probably just needed some air.”
On the way home I was quiet. Tony broke the silence with a question. “Did you and Grant used to see each other? Like date each other, I mean?” He kept his eyes focused on the road. I’m glad he couldn’t see my reaction.
“No. Well, just a couple dates, nothing serious. Why?”
“I’m a pretty observant guy and I pick up on a lot of things. Like, how upset you were once you heard about their engagement. And how much Sabrina dislikes you. And how upset Grant seemed when you told him you were moving away. It was obvious there was some kind of history there.”
I brushed a wavy lock of brown hair off my face and looked out the window. “Well, whatever history there was, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
We arrived at my house and I thanked Tony several times for seeing me home. He asked for my number and if I’d be interested in getting some coffee with him sometime. I answered that I would.
***
Once safely locked inside of my home, all of the tension, pain and embarrassment of the evening came pouring out. I just let the tears flow, not caring how I sounded as I sobbed into a couch pillow. When I had released every last tear that had been bottled up that night I looked up to see my cat, Louisa May Alcott, staring at me with bored detachment.
“What are you looking at Lou? Haven’t you ever seen a grown woman have an emotional meltdown before?” Great. Now I was talking to my cat like she was a person. I really was a crazy, old maid librarian.
I was glad that my parents weren’t flying in until the next day, Christmas Eve, because I wouldn’t want them to see me like this. I was an emotional wreck, sitting in the dark, crying my heart out. Did I really tell people that I was moving to San Diego? I hadn’t really thought it through before blurting it out.
I took off my new outfit that was actually pretty uncomfortable and changed into some red sweatpants and giant penguin slippers that made my feet feel like they were engulfed in pillows. I was comfortably festive. I decided that I was still too wound up to sleep, so I thought I’d find a good Christmas movie on TV.
I grabbed a carton of peppermint ice cream out of the freezer and plopped on the couch, putting my big penguin covered feet on the coffee table. I reached for the remote but noticed my Bible next to it where I had left it after church. If there was any time that I needed some guidance in my life, this was it, and what better place to turn for advice.
Sometimes, I like to turn to tried and true Bible passages that speak to my fears and worries. Ones that are comforting and give me hope. Other times, I like to just flip through the pages and randomly open it to surprise me. I feel that it’s a way to reveal God’s guidance or message to me.
This time, I opted for the random flip method and landed myself in Proverbs. Ah, Proverbs, the land of wisdom and memories of Sunday School memory verses. Surely I’d find some guidance there. I hovered my finger over the page and then without looking, landed it on a random verse.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
I read the words and my tears began to flow again. Not in waves of tears accompanied by heavy sobs this time, but silent streams down my cheeks. These words spoke to me and reminded me that I needed to rely on God not just during the trials in my life, but every single day. His guidance is what I need to keep me on the straight path, wherever that may lead to.
After reading the verse over a few times, letting it absorb into my brain, I closed the Bible and bowed my head. I thanked God for the abundance of blessings in my life, some that I take for granted. I was healthy, had a job that I loved, a supportive family and many friends to share fun times with.
I prayed for Grant and Sabrina. I asked God to forgive any jealousy in my heart and tried to replace the feelings of sadness and loss with feelings of happiness for them. Ok, I’ll admit it, that one was a little harder for me, but I really did try. I prayed that they would have a happy life together and that she would not hurt him. Thinking of that worried me; I couldn’t bear the thought of him having his heart broken.
Though my head was bent down over my folded hands, I could still see the glow of the Christmas tree lights from across the room. A memory popped in my mind of Christmas Eve nights when I was a little girl. I would lay myself down under the big tree and stare with the wonder of a child at all of those twinkling colored lights above me. I would make a secret Christmas wish for what I hoped would be under the tree. I wasn’t sure if I was wishing to God or Santa Claus; at that age, I thought of them both as being one and the same.
The memory made me smile and I began another prayer. This time, I prayed for a Christmas wish, just as I had done when I was little. Only now that I was older, I knew it was God that answers wishes and prayers, not Santa.
Dear God, I wish for your guidance as I choose my next path on the journey of my life. Should I move to San Diego for a fresh start or stay here in Sawyer Falls, the town that I grew up in? Or maybe you’ll lead me down a different path, somewhere I haven’t even thought of yet. Please, Lord, give me a sign. Help my heart and mind decide what is best. Amen
I lifted my head and looked at the tree. A sense of peace and calm came over me, giving me a sense of strength. I knew that everything was going to be alright. Then I looked down at my coffee table and realized that everything would be alright after I cleaned up the melted peppermint ice cream that I’d forgotten to eat.
I carefully picked up the carton and brought it to the kitchen, where I put it in the sink. Then I heard my doorbell ring. I’m not sure who was more startled, me or Lou. We both jumped about a foot in the air. I walked back into the living room, trying to peek out the front window to see who it was before I opened the door this late. I wondered if was Tony or maybe Molly, stopping by to check on me.
I felt my breath catch in my chest when I saw who it was. There, standing on my front step in the snow was Grant. He was the last person I would have expected to be there. Was this my sign?
Before even thinking about it, I opened the door. It was only then that I realized how I must have looked. Red sweatpants, penguin slippers, messy ponytail, mascara-stained eyes and sticky peppermint hands. Ironic, considering how much time and money had gone into my hair and outfit for the party where I’d planned to impress him.
“Hi,” I said, a bit nervously.
“I’m sorry for stopping by so late, maybe I should have called first. But I didn’t want to risk you saying no. I have to talk to you now, it’s really important.”
“Is everything ok?” I must have looked confused as I opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in.
“Sorry about the mess, I still had a few presents to wrap before my parents get here tomorrow.” I looked around the room, feeling self-conscious at the strewn paper, bags and ribbons piling on a loveseat. I motioned for him to have a seat on the couch.
“Don’t worry about it, I understand. And if you don’t mind, I’d rather stand for now. “
“Ok, sure. Where’s Sabrina?”
“I dropped her off. She wasn’t happy with me; I broke off the engagement.”
“What? But you just got engaged! And you looked so happy tonight, what happened?”
“You happened. I’m in love with you Courtney and I didn’t realize how much until tonight. Seeing you with that guy, Tony… it was hard for me to watch you with someone else. And then hearing that you’re leaving Sawyer Falls, well, that was too much for me.”
I was speechless. I sat down on the couch, lest I have a repeat fainting episode.
“What could I do? I knew you were only interested in being friends and nothing more. But then Molly talked to me. I admitted to her how I was feeling about you and wondering if it was fair to Sabrina to go through marrying her when I still felt this way about you. Asking Sabrina to marry me was a mistake, an impulsive decision that I should have known I’d regret. Molly got really excited and told me that you felt the same way about me. Don’t be mad at her for telling me, I wish she would have done it a long time ago. You have no idea how that made me feel, it was like getting the best Christmas gift ever.”
“So, you broke off your engagement?”