With Every Sunset

by Jane Stevie Lake

  He smiled at her before smirking at me when she started laughing at something my dad had whispered to her. “I really hope so.”

  He and Mel began to talk about their “joint schedule” of the week, something they now had since he’d gotten her access to practise with the varsity cheerleaders. I took it all in happily, my family loved him and he seemed happy to hang around them. We had successfully kept my mother out of the kitchen tonight, so everything was going well. He needed this reprieve, having had another argument with his parents the previous night.

  At around midnight, hours after he’d had dinner with my family, Xander sent me a text asking to come and talk. I was still awake, reading and when he knocked at my window ten minutes later, I quietly pulled it up and let him in. He paced my room, his hands in his long hair, like a frustrated caged lion. Something was on his mind, and I was afraid the fight at home had been worse than usual. Or that there had been another one after he left my house. I was about to ask what the matter was when he took my hand and sat me down.

  “How would you feel about leaving town with me?” he blurted, sitting next to me on the bed.

  I laughed nervously, wondering where this was coming from. “As in, a holiday?”

  He seemed to consider his words before they came out. “No, longer than that.”

  “How long?”

  “Indefinitely.”

  I bit my lip anxiously. He wasn’t suggesting we run away, was he? “What’s going on, Xander?”

  He massaged my palm for a while, until I thought he wasn’t going to answer. “Nothing, yet. I guess I’m just curious about whether, if I wanted to leave this place, you’d be willing to come with me.”

  It was on my tongue to tell him that yes, I would go anywhere with him. Afterall, he was the love of my life. However, was I ready to do that to my parents, and Mel? Leave with Xander without preparing them to accept such a decision? What about college? And Cole?

  “I’d go anywhere with you, baby,” I whispered. “But the time has to be right.”

  He raised his eyes to mine, the seriousness in those black pools worrying me. “When would be the right time?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to shut him down, but also knowing that I couldn’t make empty promises. “When we’ve finished school, and I know that us leaving won’t upset our families…when Cole is alright.”

  He laughed quietly, but there was so much bitterness in the sound. “I don’t know how long I have until my parents give up on Cole. I need to be drafted before that happens.”

  I sighed, knowing where this was going. Xander was considering giving up his dream of finishing college to go pro and be able to pay hospital bills. Would I be willing to give up mine, too?

  “But your family has plenty of money, why would they-”

  “It’s not about money, Cole’s health has taken its toll on my parents, and no one believes that I felt his hand holding on to mine,” he interjected.

  “I believe you,” I said fiercely. He needed to know this, that I didn’t think it was all in his head. “But what about college, for both of us?”

  He cleared his throat, and his face clouded over in the dimly lit room. He seemed at war with himself, and that just added to my apprehension. “Charlie?”

  “Yeah?”

  He smiled at me, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I love you, please tell me you know that.”

  “I do,” I smiled. “And I love you, too.”

  “How sure are you about that?” he asked seriously.

  I was taken aback by his question. Was he having doubts about me? My breakup with Jesse suddenly came to mind. “Xander, where is this going?”

  He pushed himself closer to me, “Don’t worry, baby. I love you, more than you can imagine. I just want to be sure that you love me, too.”

  “I do, you know that.”

  He frowned, as if chasing away a dark thought, before giving me a real smile. “I guess I do. I’ll go now.”

  He stood up to leave, and I gripped his arm. “Please stay with me for the night.”

  The light was back in his eyes, and I knew I’d made the right decision. “Such a needy girlfriend.”

  I giggled, taking his teasing in stride. I didn’t want him to be alone tonight, too much seemed to be going on inside his head. I thought about the last time I had let him go, the day we met. It had haunted me until I saw him again. Even though he wouldn’t say it, I knew he needed me tonight, and I wanted to be with him. We got into bed and spooned, and I smiled when he kissed my nape sweetly. Tonight, we could forget about every little thing and just hold each other tightly. He quickly fell asleep, and after I was sure of it, so did I.

  For the next two days, Xander snuck into my room late at night and left at dawn. We didn’t discuss whatever made him avoid his house, because I wanted to be his safe haven. I had already made him relive his pain when I made him tell me about Cole, I wasn’t going to do that again.

  He didn’t make it to class on the last two days, and I naturally assumed that he was bogged up in practice. I needed him to be on top of his game, in case he decided to pursue pro basketball and quit college. But all my warm feelings towards my boyfriend significantly chilled when I saw Ron approach our table at the cafeteria, and was assaulted by memories of the last time he had come to me like this.

  “Charlie, a word,” he demanded.

  I chose to hold myself back until I knew whether Xander was alright. “Is everything okay?”

  He rubbed his eyebrow impatiently, and I stood up to walk out. We walked in silence, him behind me until we were in a deserted quad. “What is it?”

  I could see the anger building up inside of him. “I should be asking you that! You’ve got Alex off his game and in your pants so often, the rest of us have to pick up where he’s slacking-”

  My palm connected with his cheek, shocking us both. I had never before slapped anyone, but I had dealt with the blame for a boyfriend slacking on his duties. Only difference was, a year ago, I had cowered in my room while Jesse claimed that I was a needy distraction to him. Not this time.

  “What the fuck?” he glowered at me.

  “Don’t you ever disrespect me like that again. Ever.”

  “I wouldn’t have to, if you stopped interfering. I get it, you and Alex are in this…relationship,” he bit out, as if the word tasted sour on his tongue. “But guess what, before you got here, he had a team to lead and games to win. And now he doesn’t seem to care about those guys working their asses off in the gym to get drafted!”

  “You mean, he doesn’t care about you?” I asked him, my own anger refusing to simmer down.

  He spun in frustration, and I suddenly wished Xander were here. “Damn right, he doesn’t! I’m the guy that put my draft options on hold for him, and now I don’t know what the fuck is going on with him. You know, it wasn’t so bad when he was drowning his sorrows in sweat and hard work on the court, but now I bet he’s so stuck balls deep inside you to think straight!”

  I shoved him out of my way, way too angry to think about what exactly Xander was doing if he wasn’t at the hospital or practice. “Don’t. This isn’t about me, it’s about you refusing to take blame for your part in ruining his life! You barely know me, but you think I’m to blame for Xander’s actions, actions you would understand better if you tried to find out how he’s dealing with everything.”

  He stared at me in shock, but my emotions were a rolling stone. “That’s right, he told me everything. So, the next time you’re worried that he’s ‘so stuck balls deep inside me to think straight’-as you so crudely put it-ask yourself whether he’s finally sick of being on the same team as the people that had him hammered while his brother was lying in the house bleeding! Because, put me in his shoes and I wouldn’t have ever stuck around people who feel no remorse for their actions, especially when the consequences are that tragic.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he seethed.

  “I don’t? Wel
l, let me ask you this: have you once been to the hospital to visit Cole, or offered to go with Xander? Because I work there and I’ve never seen you there. Have you ever apologized for what happened at that party? If so, a couple of months is too soon to quit asking for forgiveness just because your best friend is angry, rightly so. You have no clue what he deals with, or what he’s considered doing just to get rid of the pain that he has to live with every-”

  “Charlie!” Xander’s voice boomed at the archway, jolting us both.

  I turned to see him and another guy standing next to Cat and Lea. He looked so angry, and they cast sympathetic glances at me. Tears started pooling in my eyes, and I pushed away from Ron, whose expression was unreadable.

  “What the hell is going on here?” he asked, walking over to stand between us.

  Ron shuffled his feet, looking everywhere but at Xander, who stood opposite him. I had never seen Xander so angry, and I wanted to reassure him that nothing had happened and I was alright. I was nowhere prepared for his actual reaction.

  “Damn it, Charlie, how could you?!” he yelled, and my friends immediately rushed to stand next to me.

  What?

  Ron looked just as shocked as I was, and I somehow knew that he hadn’t been expecting Xander either.

  “Xander-” I began, only for him to cut me off with a hateful glare.

  “Don’t you fucking dare. I trusted you! Who do you think you are, telling everyone my business like it’s yours to tell?”

  I was beyond speechless. I was the one he was angry with, after defending him and fighting his battles for him. I became the one he turned against. Ron’s eyes landed on mine, and I was surprised at the sympathy I saw.

  “Hey, watch it,” Lea warned, standing between Xander and I. My own voice was temporarily gone, the shock of his rage sinking in.

  He sidestepped her and pinned me with another piercing stare. “What did you gain, huh? What do you get from airing my dirty laundry for the whole school?”

  My heart sank, the hurt he was inflicting cutting me deep. “Xander…I would never…you know me. I-”

  “Save it. I told you to stay away from him! Now you two meet in secret to talk about me?!”

  Cat pulled me away from him, wrapping me in a hug. But her warmth did nothing for the cold I was feeling from deep inside. “She did nothing wrong, Alex.”

  He laughed, a cold, cruel sound. “Of course. They all do nothing wrong, right? Collect your fifteen minutes of fame and never show your face in front of me again.”

  I looked up him, slowly pulling away from Cat. “Is that what you want, Alexander?”

  We stared at each other, and after what seemed like forever, he nodded. “Yes, Charlotte. That’s what I want.”

  Two lone tears flowed from my eyes, the fullness of them blurring everything else around me. What was it about me that made people hate me for trying to stand up for them? What was it about me that made me keep trying to save them? What was it about me that never inspired them to believe me when I needed it?

  “If I leave you right now, things will never go back to the way they were,” I warned him quietly, caught between wanting to give an ultimatum and a plea.

  He ground his jaw, his eyes never leaving mine. “I would much prefer it that way. I am better off without you. I can’t believe I loved you.”

  Loved.

  I pursed my lips, and eyes flooded with tears again. Slowly, I turned and walked away from him. I heard him shouting at Ron behind me, but I was too heartbroken to try and reason with him. Whatever he had been made to believe about me had been enough to kill whatever feelings he had for me. Because now I was convinced that he hadn’t loved me. If he had, he wouldn’t have done this to me.

  Charlie

  “You’re a fucking whore! I should have known that once I slept with you, you would sleep with whomever wanted it! I’m just surprised it took you that long.”

  “Jesse, I swear, I did nothing wrong! Please believe me, I would never do that to you…to us.”

  “There is no fucking ‘us’…you’re on your own, Charlie.”

  “Jesse-” I begged.

  “My friends would never lie to me. I looked for you at that party, and where did I find you?! In that room with him!”

  “Because,” I broke down in tears. “Your friend told me that I would find you there! I was there for you!”

  “Right,” he sneered. “That explains why I walked in on you in bed with him.”

  I sniffed, crying again for the hundredth time. “I swear I was roofied, Jesse. I felt dizzy and weak. They told me you were in there waiting for me, they walked me into that room!”

  “Did they put you into bed with my stepbrother? Huh, Charlie?” he fumed.

  My shoulders slumped in defeat. He was never going to believe me. “No…I walked in and suddenly everything went blank. I just remember waking up in my cousin’s room the next morning.”

  The flashback haunted me for the millionth time, but the disgust in his eyes faded in comparison to the resentment in Xander’s. It was morning, but still the events of the previous night drowned me in misery. I had gotten home in the middle of the day and my friends had walked me to my room where I had cried some more before eventually falling asleep. I woke up wishing for what had happened between Xander and I to be a horrible nightmare. But it wasn’t. We were over, and I had no idea where we had gone wrong.

  “Charlie?” my sister knocked gently.

  I had stopped crying, and was finally spent, but a quick check in the mirror showed me I looked just as bad as I felt. “Come on in.”

  She walked in quietly and sat next to me on the bed. Last night, I had seen a side to her that had made me love her even more. She had lain in bed with me while I stared blankly in the dark, all the while telling me that it wasn’t my fault. It was Jesse’s, then Xander’s.

  “He’s been calling the landline non-stop,” she said. “I had to unplug it before the parents figured things out.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I think he has something that he wants to say to you, maybe he’s figured out his mistake,” she said hopefully. She liked Xander, but I knew she loved me and I bitterly regretted sharing her with him.

  “I doubt that, maybe he just thinks he hasn’t hurt me enough. Like Jesse.”

  We both sighed and sat there in silence for an hour before I fell asleep. When I got downstairs, my parents’ sympathetic expressions told me they knew. I couldn’t be angry with Mel, they were bound to find out anyway. I didn’t eat much at lunch and went back to bed afterwards. I was awoken by a knock at the door, and voices downstairs. Xander. He was asking to talk to me, but my parents were insisting that I needed space. They continued to refuse him, and he kept trying. Finally, there was silence. I sank back into the bed but was disturbed by a knock on my window. I knew who it was, and I remained silent even as the knocks got louder that he had climbed up the roof to look into my room. He knew I could hear him, and I reached for my headphones and cried myself back to sleep.

  I drifted in and out of sleep, dreaming of Xander and waking up tormented. Luckily, it was Saturday, and the only plans I’d had had involved Xander. He could have his picnic on his own. Reaching over to the nightstand, I grabbed my phone and switched it on. There were eighty-two missed calls, and only six of those weren’t from Xander. I hastily sent messages to Cat and Lea, assuring them that I was alright, and would see them on Monday at school before getting up to take a much-needed long shower.

  I stopped by Mel’s room before heading downstairs and she wasn’t in, neither were my parents. This situation upset me when there was a knock at the door. I didn’t want to deal with Xander, and I hoped it wasn’t him. I didn’t need him spewing his hatred of me again. I walked to the door after persistent knocking and opened it, ready to just tell him I’d gotten the message loud and clear. A gasp escaped my lips when I saw who was at the door.

  “Hey, kiddo,” my elder brother David smiled at me, before frowning i
n concern.

  I felt so relieved to see him, I had not seen him in months. I stared into his worried eyes and everything I felt burst out of me. I broke down and started sobbing. He rushed to hold me in a fierce hug.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “I’m here now, everything’s going to be okay.”

  But it wasn’t. I had fallen in love while he was gone, and all I had to show for it was a broken heart and puffy eyes. I felt bad for ruining what was meant to be a surprise visit. David had been the one to get me from Jesse’s frat house after I was drugged and humiliated and I didn’t want him to see me go through a breakup again.

  “It’s nothing,” I sniffed. “I’m sorry.”

  He carried me into the living room, his expression now troubled. “Don’t be sorry, just tell me who hurt you.”

  I smiled through my tears at his concern. “No, forget it. Tell me about Melbourne.”

  “No, we’ll talk about that later. What’s wrong, Charlie?”

  I sighed dejectedly, biting my lip to keep the tears at bay. “It’s a boy.”

  He cursed. “How about you tell me everything the punk did, and your big brother will go find him?”

  I laughed gingerly, hating myself for not wanting David to maul Xander like he had Jesse. “No, I’ll be fine.”

  “But you won’t be going back to him,” he declared.

  I nodded half-heartedly, wondering bitterly whether he would even want me if I wanted to go back. David got up to make coffee and returned with two steaming mugs. In the next hour, I told everything that happened with Xander, sans the intimacy and first meeting.”

  He hugged me again. “Damn it, Charlie. It’s like you find the trashiest ones and take them in.”

  “He’s not trashy, David,” I defended. “He’s just dealt with a lot.”

  He nodded slowly. “I’m sure he has. Somewhere out there, there are exes of mine that still think my bullshit was due to the deaths of my two sisters in a tricycle accident.”

  I pulled away from him, laughing for the first time in a day. I couldn’t tell him how deep Xander’s scars ran, that would just make me defensive. So much for Xander thinking that I was ready to broadcast his issues to anyone who could listen.