by Quig Shelby
It grabbed Christine quite a lot, and she grabbed and hugged James too. But she had to see the shoebox to completely believe it.
‘It looks like this change in direction could work out rather well,’ she said flicking through the banknotes.
Perhaps it could. With their respective lovers no longer around, and with Lucy recovered, they’d found a new energy, and it wasn’t the passion of Christ.
‘But for god’s sake James do cheer up,’ said Christine ‘and keep the faith.’
Faith in voodoo and Dela she meant. Christine had no doubts herself; she’d never really been a fan of hymns.
James decided to cover his bets, and returned to prayer. After all like the tenet proposed, ten minutes of prayer a day was a worthy gamble for paradise. James prayed for another hour.
They drove past the site where Irena was buried, into the woods as far as they could go. There were three bodies to bury now, and probably a fourth later. Charles and Felix took the pick axes to break up the stony ground, and Din and James followed with the shovels. Pandy sat in the car next to Christine, puffing on his inhaler.
James looked exhausted and Christine took him, and anyone else who asked, a mug of hot chocolate from the flask.
Six foot down and Frank, Herman, and Sellars, were thrown unceremoniously into the pit; it was left open for now.
Din swung Susie’s corpse into Lucy’s old wheelchair, and they prepared to find a clearing. Pandy was consumed with guilt, and asked to stay behind in the car.
‘This will do,’ said Dela.
The place looked familiar to Din, and he nervously twisted the gold ring that Irena had given him before throwing deep into the woods.
Dela marked out a large circle, broken branches were laid around the circumference, and doused in petrol. Susie was thrown in the middle, with her head and neck contorted, and the fire was lit. There was no need for a familiar item when you had the entire body at your disposal, and Dela soon found Susie washing her hair in a brook next to a large, but not enchanted, castle. She seemed happy enough but needed no encouragement to join them.
Before you could say shampoo and conditioner Susie Chang reappeared alive, although naturally she appeared dazed, and her clothes weren’t going to keep out the cold.
‘Has he forgiven me?’ asked a bewildered Susie.
Din, who was regretting the murder of Irena, lowered the gun and whispered in Dela’s ear.
‘Let’s ask him,’ said Dela removing the crocodile mask.
Pandy’s phone rang.
‘Are you lost?’ he asked.
‘No’ said Dela.
‘Look we’ve got Susie here,’ she said.
Pandy took in a gulp of air.
‘How is she?’ he asked.
‘Fine considering she’s just come back from the dead,’ said Dela.
‘Look, are you sure you want her to leave you again?’ asked Dela.
She could be a romantic too. The phone was on loudspeaker, and Din got ready to squeeze the trigger.
‘No,’ replied Pandy.
‘Then what do you want us to do?’ asked Dela.
‘Bring her back to me,’ he said ‘I made a terrible mistake.’
Din put the gun back in his trouser pocket, and gave Susie his thick woollen coat to wear. Christine handed her a cup of hot chocolate.
‘Love’s a funny old game,’ said Din.
Susie ran back into his outstretched arms.
‘Can you ever forgive me?’ Pandy asked her.
She kissed him on the cheek and mouthed ‘yes’ as the tears ran down their faces. They had more than made up, Pandy could ditch the terrible Mona, and it was true - you only did live twice.
Dela let Pandy and Susie stay in the car, as the earth was thrown over the three who didn’t make it back.
As they drove off the bracken was crunching underfoot, and someone was wandering about. It was an old friend of Din’s who had a story no one would believe, but nonetheless was grateful for a second chance, and who knows a spot of revenge - hell had no fury like a woman killed.
No one was happier than Pandy and Susie, but everyone was pleased, apart from the remorseful Din. He decided to drive to the warehouse, and console himself with work.
‘I’m going to do some stocktaking,’ he said to Dela, who was busy reading the Christmas cards on the vicarage mantelpiece.
James wasn’t in party mood either, and decided to follow Din. It was better than listening to Dela, and the lesser of two of evils.
‘Where are you off to?’ Christine asked him.
‘I thought I’d give Din a hand,’ he replied.
‘Well you’d better get going,’ she said ‘Din drives like the devil.’
Christine had only just realised what an astute businessman James could be, and with his recent earnings it was all she could do to encourage him.
It was kind of habit forming, and no one could blame Din for reaching for his gun; he was rushed by three guys in black body armour as soon as he flicked on the light. And they only had one response - Din was shot dead.
James had wanted to turn his car around, and avoid the flashing blue lights but he was caught in their trap.
‘Step out of the car sir,’ said the police officer.
‘You’re out late sir,’ said the policeman as his colleague went to check on James’ driving licence.
‘I often come out at night,’ said James.
The policeman smiled.
‘Not a vampire are you sir?’
‘Goodness no, I’m a vicar.’
‘He’s right,’ said his colleague returning James’ ID.
‘It still doesn’t explain what you’re doing out so late in this neck of the woods does it sir,’ said the policeman.
‘Look I know it’s silly but it’s the only time I get to myself, to contemplate,’ said James.
‘Really sir, and what are you contemplating tonight?’
‘Eternity, paradise, and hell,’ replied James.
‘OK sir you can save it for the sermon, but be careful, there’s some real demons on the roads these days.’
They let him go, but if they’d followed him home they’d have found a house full of monsters.
‘Another vicar looking for hookers,’ said the officer shaking his head.
James pulled Dela to one side; he’d heard the gunfire, and seen an ambulance take Din’s body away. She didn’t take the news as badly as he thought - well she could bring back the dead.
Chapter Fifty Two
Dela had a list in front of her, it wasn’t a Christmas list, but if your name was on it you might receive the best ever present. She wanted something from Din’s flat, including Koni’s pen; the one Christine Middlemass had bought him. And then there were her loyal servants Bill and Barbara, who’d never brought her as much joy as Plackcedes, but nonetheless needed rewarding for their dedication.
Dela had ordered Charles to grab something from The Crossed Heart, before a lifetime of knick knacks were carted away. The missing publicans were rightfully considered victims of the church fire, with the third body unidentified.
Felix was out shopping for one last present, and Dela looked at the collection he hated so much - the shrunken heads. There were four in all, and she tried to keep them out of sight, but it wouldn’t be easy with Plackcedes just as fascinated.
‘Do you know who they all are?’ asked Plackcedes.
‘That is my great grandfather,’ said Dela with pride.
‘That one is the man that murdered him, that’s a rival witchdoctor, and that head belonged to an explorer,’ she said.
They were all crammed together in a shoebox, and if it wasn’t for Felix they would have become as much a part of their Christmas decorations as the
flashing Santa Claus in the front window, high above the ground.
‘They are truly magnificent,’ said Plackcedes twisting her hair.
Dela looked at her, and instantly knew what was on her mind.
‘What do you want me to do?’ she asked.
‘I thought you could try something new to keep me happy, that’s what you want isn’t it?’
‘Yes, with every breath,’ answered Dela.
‘Come along then,’ said Plackcedes grabbing Dela’s arms from behind, and pushing her towards the bedroom.
Christmas had come early.
The elderly married couple dropped her off in central London still worried, even though Irena had done her best to placate their concerns. But they had found her alone on the edge of the woods, in the middle of the night.
She passed the rows of stores packed with shoppers. Not so long ago she would have joined them to please her new beau, but now she knew she’d been duped, and worse. She walked into a bar for a stiff drink.
‘Can I get you this one?’ asked the pin striped youth with lewdness in his eyes.
‘Not unless you want to hear what awaits you after death,’ said Irena.
He quickly scarpered.
Upon Dela’s instruction Felix had drilled a large hole between the bathroom and the bedroom. He wore his headphones, and had to guess who was pleasuring him from the other side - Dela or Plackcedes. Unfortunately he couldn’t hear the door open, and the neighbour’s son enter.
‘Tell your mum the debts cleared,’ said Dela, as Plackcedes helped pull the twitching Felix through the gap.
‘He’s all yours,’ she said.
The neighbour dropped to his knees, and Dela and Plackcedes couldn’t stop laughing.
When it was all over Dela gave their guest a drink of cola; the one with Santa on the bottle.
‘And don’t worry,’ said Dela ‘I promise I won’t tell your mum about our little secret.’
After all he was engaged to a girl from their village back home.
‘I don’t know which one of you did it, but that was the most explosive experience ever,’ said Felix.
Dela and Plackcedes gave each other a knowing look, and smiled.
‘Hey look you two,’ said Plackcedes ‘it’s Christmas Eve, why don’t you go out for a meal?’
‘Brilliant idea,’ said Felix.
‘Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own?’ asked Dela.
‘Don’t worry about me,’ said Plackcedes ‘I’ll be fine, now go the both of you.’
Even from the height of their flat Plackcedes could see them leave the block arm in arm. Now was her chance.
Joost looked over his shoulder to check Bheki had left the room, and answered the call.
‘Hi Joost,’ said Irena.
‘Where have you been stranger?’ asked Joost.
‘You won’t believe me,’ said Irena.
‘Try me,’ said Joost.
‘Well it’s about life and death,’ said Irena.
‘Go on,’ said Joost, and he was poured an appetizer.
‘Wait, don’t say any more,’ said Joost ‘I need to see you in person. I’ll be there in under an hour.’
‘Where are you going?’ asked Bheki.
‘Oh just some late night Christmas shopping,’ said Joost.
He hated to lie, but Bheki had been more than jealous of Irena.
When everything had been revealed, Joost couldn’t help but hug Irena. Before he could leave her flat there was a knock at the door.
‘I hope I’m not interrupting anything?’ said Bheki looking at Irena.
‘You followed me,’ said Joost thoroughly disappointed.
‘And you lied, or did you get lost and think this was a shop?’ retorted Bheki.
Joost sighed. He was in no mood for a fight.
‘It’s not what it looks like,’ he said.
‘And what does it look like? asked Bheki.
‘Look sit down and we can explain,’ said Joost.
‘This I can’t wait to hear,’ said Bheki sarcastically.
Two hours later and Bheki had been convinced Joost had been on his best behaviour. But one thing did concern her; he seemed terribly excited that people could be brought back from the dead.
Plackcedes had understood Joost’s heartache, she had one of her own. Her husband had been cruelly taken from her over twenty years ago, in an accident at work. He’d died in a blast at a gold mine, in a place where life was cheap and compensation unheard of.
Plackcedes had never forgotten her first love, and now she had a chance not just to see him again but to bring him back. She removed the wedding ring from her finger, and placed it in the middle of four lit candles. With her hands shaking she donned the mask, and was looking at his handsome face again.
‘Join me,’ said Plackcedes.
‘But I am happy here,’ he replied.
‘For loves sake,’ begged Plackcedes.
‘But you are old my love, and I am forever young,’ he said.
‘Please, the window is closing,’ said Plackcedes ‘come back to me.’
‘It is not possible,’ he replied staunchly ‘it would anger the ancestors.’
Plackcedes removed the mask with tears streaming down her eyes. When she had dried her sorrow, she heard a commotion coming from the bedroom, and in that awful moment realised the shrunken heads had come alive - full bodied.
Old adversaries remain just that, and Dela’s great grandfather and the warrior who’d killed him were taunting each other with their spears. The explorer was in a fight to the death with the witchdoctor, and the tussle soon spilled over into the lounge.
Plackcedes hid behind the sofa. When the noise had died down she saw Dela and Felix standing in the upturned room with their mouths wide open.
After they’d found a drink to give her, it was up to a trembling Plackcedes to explain.
‘As soon as you left there was a knock at the door,’ said Plackcedes ‘it was Joost van Houten.’
‘He must have waited until we left,’ said Felix fighting her corner.
‘Go on,’ said Dela.
‘He forced his way in, and grabbed the mask,’ said Plackcedes.
Felix and Dela looked at one another and nodded, so far it made sense.
‘He tried it on saying he’d got his eye back, but the heads came back to life.’
‘Great grandpa,’ said Dela smiling.
‘The mask was knocked from his grasp in the fighting, and Joost fled empty handed’ said Plackcedes.
‘Where are they now?’ asked Dela.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe they’re still in the block?’ said Plackcedes.
There was a loud scream from outside, and Felix went to check the window.
‘They’re outside,’ said Felix as he saw four men in fancy dress disappear behind the garages.
Plackcedes did her best to look mortified, whilst Dela just looked mournfully at her empty shoebox.
Later in the evening Felix passed Plackcedes in the kitchen.
‘I found this on the floor,’ he said with a knowing look on his face, and handed her a wedding ring.
Plackcedes looked shocked.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Felix ‘I won’t say a word. But now we’re even,’ and he returned the plain gold band to her grateful outstretched hand, enjoying the moment as he felt her warm flesh.
Chapter Fifty Three
Joost un-wrapped another Versace sweater, and thanked Bheki; not the way he would have liked, but Eudy and Themba were there, as well as little Noah.
Bheki tried to look pleased with her perfume although Joost had another present in his pocket, and it wasn’t what she would normally expect from that direction.
But there was still an unpleasant mood between them, and Themba and Eudy decided to take little Noah for a ride in his pram, so they could clear the air.
‘You can’t still be upset about yesterday,’ said Joost.
‘You lied,’ said Bheki.
‘Well I could hardly tell you I was going to see Irena, you hate her.’
‘She started it,’ said Bheki.
‘The poor woman was killed by Din,’ said Joost.
‘So now you’re feeling sorry for her,’ screamed Bheki.
This was intolerable.
‘Look I know what you need,’ said Joost, and he grabbed her arms.
‘Get off of me,’ shouted Bheki, and she bit his neck as they wrestled on the floor near the Christmas tree.
Joost ripped her corduroy trousers down, and as he pummelled into her she dug her nails deep into his back. Eventually they were both done.
‘Merry Christmas,’ said Joost.
‘Now that’s what I call a present,’ said Bheki, ‘perfumes ha.’
James and Christine were dressed in their evening wear, circulating amongst the guests. It could be there last chance to party in such beautiful surroundings.
Dela placed the opal ring ripped from Herman’s finger between the lit candles on the hearth. She wanted to remove all doubts concerning her new powers, besides in for a penny in for a pound of flesh, and she put on the mask.
Soon a hand was seen reaching out from the void, and it had to be Herman’s, the fingernails were painted alternate black and electric blue. Before it could grab the ring back James hit the unfortunate hand with a poker, and it returned to whence it came.
‘Beggars can’t be choosers,’ said James by way of explanation, and then he looked at Dela who had removed the mask.
Fortunately there was no scornful look, and he pocketed the ring.
‘He wasn’t going to stay around long, but Din, Vankoni, Bill and Barbara will,’ said Dela.
There was a ripple of applause, although James didn’t want to see Vankoni return, and prowl around his wife like a hungry wolf.
‘That’s great news Dela,’ said Lucy. ‘When can we expect to see them?’