by Quig Shelby
Charles had no doubt, but the last thing he wanted was an even more omnipotent Dela. On top of that he wanted to help Joost, not betray him.
‘Let me take these into the kitchen,’ said Charles picking up the dishes.
He had one more bite of Josh’s pie, picked up his sharpest knife, and returned to a restful Frank.
Frank caught a glimpse in the mirror but he really was too slow. Nonetheless Charles caught him in the throat and not the heart, equally deadly but Frank spun around with blood gushing everywhere.
There was a terrible mess, but perhaps James would give him a hand shampooing the carpet.
‘Hi Din I’ve got a bit of a problem,’ said Charles down the phone.
‘Let me guess,’ said Din.
After all wasn’t three the magic number?
Chapter Fifty
It was bitterly cold outside, and dark, although Charles did his best with the flashlight.
‘My I have been blessed,’ said Dela ‘I guess I won’t need your hounds of the Baskervilles after all Charles.’
Back home in Africa, Dela had only had one set of books to learn English; the cases of Sherlock Holmes.
They were looking at the three bodies stacked up in Charles’ shed; one wrapped in cling film and reminding Dela of Felix, one rolled in a rather exquisite rug, and then Charles’ victim - the conundrum.
‘Thank you Charles, we can join the others now,’ said Dela looking rather pleased with herself.
She watched Charles trudge back ahead of her, and illuminating the path; she couldn’t wait to hear a more detailed explanation of his indiscretion.
The logs were roaring in the hearth, and Charles had made gingerbread men for everyone. It reminded Lucy of Cologne, and she wondered when Joost would get in touch - if ever.
‘Well you two have really surprised me,’ said Dela to James and Charles ‘especially you Charles, have you eaten the heart already?’
‘Some of it,’ he said.
Christine was standing by the white tinsel Christmas tree.
‘Charles where did you get this?’ she asked holding one of his baubles.
‘I gave it to him mother,’ said Lucy.
It was one of a nativity set Christine had bought at the Christmas fair in Cologne.
Plackcedes brought drinks and vol-au-vents in from the kitchen, and Charles was a little peeved she had intruded into his domain without even asking.
‘So Charles why did you ever kill Frank Sleigh?’ asked Christine.
James had removed his wallet when helping to move him on top of the others, and Christine was looking at his driver’s licence.
‘I caught him snooping around,’ said Charles.
‘That’s all?’ asked James miffed that Charles had stolen some of his limelight.
Dela was carefully listening; she had found it a little strange that Charles had resorted to murder, even with his new found courage.
‘Not exactly, I invited him in and he kept asking about Dela, and if I knew anything about voodoo.’
‘Which naturally you denied,’ said Din stifling a yawn.
‘Of course,’ said Charles looking a little hot under the collar.
‘Well go on,’ said Lucy, trying to prompt Charles into a more convincing yet elaborate tale.
‘Oh yes, he said he was a clairvoyant who knew Joost van Houten, and when I left the room temporarily to make a cup of tea he tried to make off with this.’
Charles grabbed the crocodile mask off the top of the sideboard, immediately earning his reprieve and Dela’s thanks.
‘Thank you Charles but be careful how you handle the mask,’ said Dela, and she bit down on a prawn canapé.
She then gave Felix a playful slap on the wrist as he went for another bite himself.
‘Careful Felix you’re trying to lose weight,’ she reminded him.
Felix put it down, and looked around the room smiling. He noticed James looking jealousy at Charles.
Dela was in party mood, and it was time for a game of truth and dare.
‘Your turn Pandy,’ she said.
Mr Pandalay was already regretting his crime of passion, and looked very uneasy indeed, especially with James standing next to him; he took a puff from his inhaler.
‘A lovers tiff,’ he eventually said.
Din laughed out loud.
‘Surely not Pandy,’ said Dela, looking sad on his behalf.
‘I just snapped,’ he said.
‘Obviously,’ said Dela.
‘Like Susie’s neck,’ added James.
‘Quite,’ said the sober suited Mr Pandalay.
‘Well never mind; easy come easy go. And at least we don’t have to worry about the police in Susie’s case,’ said Dela whilst staring at Charles.
‘I truly am grateful Charles, but how do we know that Frank Sleigh won’t lead the police straight to us?’ she asked.
‘But he did come to steal the mask,’ said Lucy jumping to Charles’ defence.
‘True,’ said Dela ‘but perhaps he told someone where he was going.’
‘He would only tell one person,’ said Pandy.
‘You know this Frank?’ asked Dela inquisitively.
‘In a way yes; Susie was a big fan, and went to his leaving party. He used to be a drag queen.’
Now he was just a drag.
‘And?’ asked Dela.
‘He lives, or rather he lived, with his boyfriend Herman.’
James was already getting ready to hand over the wallet, and the diamante encrusted mobile phone.
Din scrolled down the numbers, and then held a finger to his mouth. Everyone was silent.
‘Hello is that Herman?’ asked Din.
‘Yes it is,’ replied the voice.
‘I know you don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Frank’s. Unfortunately he’s plastered, is there any chance I can bring him back in my car?’
‘Please do,’ said Herman ‘I hope he hasn’t made too much of a nuisance of himself this time.’
‘Well he has made rather a mess of the carpet,’ said Din.
‘Sorry about that. Look here’s our address. How soon can you bring him home?’ asked Herman.
‘I’ll be there in an hour,’ said Din, and he closed the call.
‘Well sis looks like you’ll have another specimen by tonight,’ said Din smiling.
‘You coming James?’ asked Din, fully expecting his protégé to join him.
‘James not so fast,’ said Dela as he prepared to leave ‘we haven’t heard your story yet.’
He was getting quite a taste for assassination; it was up front and personal. And Christine was becoming quite proud of her man too.
‘Well Din was there, obviously,’ began James.
‘Not so bashful James, you did it on your own,’ said Din.
‘Thanks. Well basically it was a business dispute, and I needed to protect our interests,’ said James proudly.
‘So you cut him open, quite the Jack the Ripper aren’t you,’ said Dela smiling.
‘Sis we must go,’ said Din, and he kissed Dela on the cheek.
James was hanging onto his tailcoats as they brushed by Charles’ tinsel on their way out.
‘Go on then,’ said Dela to Felix, and he crammed another mushroom vol-au-vent in his mouth, before washing it down with the local breweries special festive beer.
When Din and James returned with their present everyone was feeling a little tired. The Middlemass’ and Pandy soon returned to their respective homes, but Din couldn’t face another long drive. He decided to crash out on Charles’ sofa; the one not stained by Frank’s blood.
Dela and Felix were tucked up in bed whilst Plackcedes had the other spare room.
Dela left the curtains open so she could see the snow falling outside.
‘Are you alright?’ asked Felix.
‘I’m fine darling,’ replied Dela, and she could see the love in his eyes.
‘Felix do you think that sometimes I’m a little too hard on you?’ she asked.
He smiled, and thought carefully about his response.
‘Definitely,’ he replied ‘but you know what, I absolutely love it. After all I’m a manimal,’ and he growled.
Dela couldn’t stop laughing, and it felt like their early days when Felix was always making her laugh. She took the key from the chain around her neck.
‘Can I trust you?’ she asked.
‘Of course,’ he replied ‘there’s not much I can get up to here.’
Dela unlocked him. He was right; after all there was only Charles, Din, and Plackcedes in the house.
Early morning and Din let himself out of the house. Felix was watching from the window, and later saw Charles heading to his car and the 24 hour supermarket; he needed some stain remover.
With Dela sound asleep Felix crept along the landing, pillowcase in one hand and knife in the other. He silently turned the brass door knob to Plackcedes’ room.
She was wearing a scarf around her head as he hoodwinked her with the pillowcase. He pressed the knife against her throat, and after a few grunts unburdened himself of his lust. He lay on top of Plackcedes as she removed the hood.
‘You know Dela would flog you half to death for this,’ said Plackcedes.
Felix went to grab the knife, but it was already in her hand.
‘Don’t worry I won’t tell,’ said Plackcedes smiling.
‘But first you got to do a lot better than that. Now do me again, and make it real slow this time,’ she said.
Finally Felix got up to go.
‘Better, but longer next time,’ said Plackcedes.
Her teeth bit into his ear as she whispered ‘you owe me.’
The manimal slinked off with his tail between his legs.
‘Morning darling where have you been?’ asked Dela, stretching in the bed.
Felix put a pot of tea, and the leftover vol-au-vents, on the dresser.
‘I just thought I’d do something I haven’t done in a long time,’ he replied.
‘How sweet,’ said Dela ‘breakfast in bed.’
Eventually Dela finished her poached eggs, and looked pitifully at Felix. In her outstretched palm was his chastity cage.
‘Sorry darling, but you have been much better behaved since you started wearing it,’ she said.
He looked down at the floor.
‘Alright,’ relinquished Dela ‘take a shower first but then I’m locking you up. Besides it will soon be Christmas.’
The first specimen was hauled onto the slab, with the gas heater on maximum. The orange candescent flames flickered, and just for good measure Dela had lit six of Charles’ Christmas candles along the back wall, on his hostess trolley.
Charles and Felix, the attendant morticians, were allowed to stay and watch the proceedings; some of the victims might be aggrieved, if they returned. Felix glanced nervously at Plackcedes, but his secret was safe, for now.
Dela wore the crocodile mask, searching for her prey. Herman couldn’t wait to return. Unfortunately his Spirit flickered in and out of view, before finally disappearing, but at least he was dressed.
Charles went to get his other gas heater from the advertised surgery, and James Middlemass was ordered to collect every candle he could find. He decided to stay for the show, and like Charles and Felix, held a machete.
The near reappearance of Frank Sleigh was actually solid, and was both much better, and worse. Everyone in the room could see his strong Spirit hovering above the corpse. Unfortunately two pairs of extremely hairy arms dragged him back by the ankles. For a moment James was shaking.
Dirk Sellars did a no show; such were his sins only a cloud of hot brimstone and sulphur could be seen, and smelt, in the cellar. It seemed that the afterlife, like the world, was a melting pot.
James was beginning to wish he’d never become involved with Dela, and wondered how many years of atonement in a monastery could save him from such an equally ghastly fate.
Charles hoped even more to do the right thing when given the chance, and kept his fingers crossed.
They staggered out of the cellar, leaving Charles to use the pole and open the old coal hatch, hopefully removing the stench.
‘We’ll try again another day,’ said Dela, convinced the trick was to increase the power of the flames.
And next time she’d try Susie Chang; surely her life must have been a little more serene, if not Saintly.
Dambala, the great cosmic equaliser, had spoken, but even Dela was surprised to see the affirmation of a Christian belief - especially one so hellish.
‘Don’t look so worried James,’ said Dela ‘I’ll protect you.’
He bit the head off a gingerbread man.
Eventually the three unwise men were bagged up, awaiting a less than Christian burial.
As soon as everyone had left, Charles rushed into the kitchen, pushing the last of his pie in the microwave; he’d finish off a hearty meal tonight.
Chapter Fifty One
He stepped onto the bus, holding the six foot pine Christmas tree in front of him.
‘You can’t come on with that,’ said the driver.
Joost put the tree to one side, stared at the driver with one eye. The driver quickly looked him up and down, and gulped.
‘Alright, but keep the tree to one side,’ he said.
It was a bit tight, and a few passengers went home with pine needles in their shopping bags, but it was snowing, and the pavements were slippery.
Joost made it back to the house just before Bheki, who unloaded bags of new baby clothes from the taxi. Themba made them a cup of rooibos, whilst Eudy rocked Noah in his cradle.
‘Where would you like me to put it?’ asked Joost holding the tree, and looking at Bheki’s ass.
‘Wherever it goes it’s going to be a tight fit,’ she replied, and there was a knowing pause between them.
Joost place it in the corner, and opened a box of coloured lights, carefully wrapping them around the tree. He hadn’t done this in years, and he could almost hear Hildy asking to help whilst Stella wrote the Christmas cards.
‘I’ll have to get some baubles now,’ said Joost.
‘And a star to put on top,’ said Eudy.
Joost tried to put on a brave face, and forget about the past, but it was hard, especially at Christmas time. He kept Bheki’s present in his pocket, unsure whether or not she’d like it. I guess it would depend on her mood, and his too; it was an engagement ring.
The icy wind blew through the doors at the police station as the courier delivered an envelope to the duty sergeant. He put it to one side, and finished booking in the two drunks; the festive season had begun.
He looked at the letter on his break. It was addressed to him, and looked like a Christmas card not a bomb, but it could still contain anthrax. He broke the seal carefully in front of his mug of coffee, and iced doughnut. Inside, the card read Merry Christmas from Dirk, but there were no glad tidings; it was posthumous.
‘Hi Mike, hope you and the wife are well’ began the message ‘but if you’re reading this I’m dead. I wasn’t always what I seemed but ask the boys to protect my memory if they can. Anyway to cut a long story short ...’
Mike turned the card over to the back.
‘I was involved with a drugs gang run by Dilwood Benson and Din Obi. Dilwood’s done a runner, but his partner has killed me. You can find Din and maybe my body at ...’ and there was a long address for a warehouse.
‘P.S. You always did wonder where
I got the money for all those holidays haha.’
Mike put the letter under his saucer, and went to get another doughnut. He’d like to protect his friend’s reputation, but Dirk sought revenge from the grave. But the whole station could be put under investigation, and Mike’s hands weren’t exactly lily white either.
Eventually he handed the letter to his superior, one of the new boys who thought he was a knight in shining armour, until his zealous aspirations would be ground down like Mike’s coffee.
James was doing a lot of praying lately; ever since he’d caught a glimpse of the darker side, and perhaps his future. And it wouldn’t be temporary, eternity was just that. He could still smell the sulphur in his nostrils. He hadn’t eaten since, and couldn’t get those long hairy arms with the gnarled hands and claws out of his mind. He could hardly atone for his sins with a charity fun run. Christine interrupted his meditation.
‘You still look worried James,’ she said entering the spare room come chapel.
James had initially converted the room for appearances sake. But recently he’d found two pieces of charred timber from the burnt out church, and fashioned them into a cross; rising from the ashes and all that. And there was a brass bell the Bishop had asked him to return.
The fund to replace St Agnes had already begun, but it would be bereft of the services of the Reverend James MIddlemass. He wasn’t duly concerned; right now he was deeply worried about his future, not his past, which was no longer intertwined with St Agnes.
‘It was nightmarish Christine,’ he said, once more referring to the demonic ghouls.
‘All right James, I’ve heard the story a hundred times already, there’s really no need to keep going over it,’ she said.
Neither did she want scaring half to death.
‘Anyway how long have we got left in the vicarage?’ she asked.
‘Until February,’ said James.
‘After all we’ve done for the dozy beggars around here,’ said Christine referring to James’ congregation.
‘I’m afraid so,’ he said, still on his knees.
‘Well let’s hope you start earning some money from your latest venture,’ she said.
‘Oh I’ve already begun,’ said James smiling ‘how does thirty grand grab you?’