Secrets On Lake Drive

by Tina Martin

  In addition to me having to wear this ring, we have to share a bed. I’m not use to sharing a bed with anyone, and it’s been like that for the last five and a half years. I can only imagine trying to sleep while he pelts my back with kisses and follows my curves with the tip of his fingers. I can picture him whispering I love you’s behind my head, waiting for me to say it back. I can imagine him putting the moves on me, trying to seduce me with those enthralling green eyes. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I do know that I have to put this journal away now and get ready for bed. I know Sean is waiting for me. I can’t stall any longer.

  Chapter 22 - Playing House

  Our marriage was exactly as Sean said it would be. The first week flew by and I said I love you to him every day as he had requested. We slept in the same bed, too, and we would talk about anything that came to mind. Every night, there was a different subject, and we would spend most nights engaged in stimulating conversation for hours before we went to sleep. Our bodies didn’t even touch while we were in bed, partly because Sean’s bed was huge. His bed was so big I could probably do a cartwheel on it without landing on the floor.

  I’ll admit his charm was beginning to wear me down. One night, while I was lying in bed with the lights out watching TV, Sean came walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his body. As the towel slowly fell to the floor, he slid a pair of boxers on like he was performing a magic trick. And those boxers were so thin that he might as well have gotten in the bed naked.

  He was all up on me, too, which wasn’t the norm for him. Typically, he would give me my space and stay on his side of the bed, but tonight, he made a move. Beginning at my shoulder, he slid his hand down the length of my arm, then to my hand. When he reached my hand, he took the remote from me and turned the TV off. The hint of moonlight that came beaming down from the ceiling above his bed made it feel like we were laying out on the grass in the backyard on our own camping excursion. The light increased the magnificence of his eyes, and I knew I was in trouble when I could feel myself drifting closer to him. His eyes had the same effect as kryptonite on Superman. They made me weak.

  We were staring at each other when he said, “I’m trying to come to grips with losing you. I don’t want you to go away.” He wasn’t stern or angry, just calm and mellow.

  “Why? You knew I would be leaving. You knew that since day one.”

  “I didn’t feel the same way about you back then as I do now. I love you. And guess what?”

  His breath smelled like a peppermint stick.

  “What?”

  “If it was up to me, I would spend the rest of my life with you.”

  When he said those words, I felt a nervous tingle run through my body. Game, game, game. That’s all I kept thinking in my head. Then again, why would Sean have to woo me with game when I was already right there lying in bed next to him? If he wanted to put the moves on me, he very well could have. He didn’t need all that talk behind it. That’s what made me think he was for real.

  “You must think I’m crazy, huh?”

  I grinned a little at his question. “No, I don’t think you’re crazy.”

  “You don’t? Because if you do, you can tell me. You won’t hurt my feelings.”

  “Okay, well, since you put it that way, I don’t think you’re mental institution crazy, but there is something going on up there.”

  I smiled while watching Sean flash the most amazing smile I’d ever seen in my life. His teeth were perfect white and those dimples were gorgeous. While I watched him, all I was thinking was, how can someone be this freakin’ good-looking?

  “Yeah, I am crazy. Crazy about you.” He was so close to me, I could feel the warmness of his minty fresh breath flutter against my lips. “I’ve waited all my life for someone like you,” he told me.

  Then he gripped the back of my head with his hand and drove his lips onto mine like an intentional head-on collision. It was a brief kiss, but long enough to make an impression.

  “What are you thinking right now?” he asked me.

  “Ah…I don’t know. Why?”

  “You look nervous.”

  I was nervous, but I wasn’t going to tell him.

  “You don’t have to be scared of me. I’m not going to try and seduce you or nothing like that.”

  “How do I know you won’t try to control me with your seductive powers?” I was in a playful mood when I asked the question, but my intent was to lighten the romantic tension between us.

  “Well, if I wanted to seduce you, I would just do this.” He shifted his body on top of me, while I laid there staring up into his eyes. “You are so beautiful,” he said, as he drowned his right hand in my hair. “Monica, do you know what true love is?”

  I didn’t respond. I just stared at him and waited for the answer.

  He proceeded to say, “To cherish, to desire, to have pleasure in, and to be devoted to that one person.” Then he kissed me, gently and controlling, finding his way to my left ear and sucking on my earlobe while whispering in my ear. “I cherish you, I desire you, I have pleasure spending time with you, and if you let me, I will devote my life to you.”

  He kissed my neck, sucking hard like he was trying to give me a hicky, and while he focused on my neck, his left hand migrated to my right breast. I pulled his hand off of me, but he put it back where he wanted it.

  “Sean, I can’t do this.” I was almost out of breath. Who am I kidding? I was out of breath. Sean was working me like a pro and I liked it. He knew I liked it. It felt good to have a man desire me the way Sean wanted me.

  “Sean.” I called his name again, but he didn’t listen. He just kept on kissing and groping me, selling candy in my ear and I was buying all of it. He tugged on my shirt, trying to take it off, but I didn’t give him the satisfaction. He pressed his body down on me again as he came down on my lips harder with a serious tongue twister. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in to me. I wanted him. I wanted him to take me and do anything he wanted to me. I wanted to feel the pleasure of making love again, and from the vibe he was giving me, I knew he wanted the same thing I did. It wasn’t until he tried to pull my pajamas down that I realized we were about to get busy. And in that instant, I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t complicate my life any more than it already was.

  “Sean,” I said between deep breaths, “I can’t do this. Okay? I can’t.”

  He stopped, then looked down at me. “We don’t have to make love, Monica.”

  I couldn’t believe how cool he was with it. He didn’t get angry or nothing. He simply peeled his body off of me and then we fell to sleep in each other’s arms under the perfect moon.

  It was all good.

  THE MORNING WAS rough on me. I was mad at myself for playing Sean’s game, as I called it. Sean would be at work and I’d be at home being a housewife. It’s not like it was a big deal, since I was Roman’s babysitter for the summer anyway. Today, though, I wasn’t feeling up to it. I felt like it was all a joke and I was wasting valuable time playing wifey when I could’ve been looking for my son. I just broke down and started crying again.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my cell ringing. It was Sean. I didn’t want to talk to him while I was crying, because I knew he would pick up on the disappointment in my voice. But I could not just ignore his call. If I did, he would think something was wrong. So, I answered.

  “Hey, Sean.”

  “Hey. How’s Roman?”

  “Your mom and Nikki took him school shopping.”

  “And what are you doing?”

  “Nothing…just sitting here.”

  “Sitting there doing what?”

  “Nothing.” Somehow I knew Sean could tell I was crying.

  “Monica?”

  “Yes?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I wiped more tears away. “Nothing.”

  “Then why are you crying, sweetheart?”

  “I’m just not feeling well.�
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  “Are you sick? Should I come home?”

  “No, Sean. I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine…you’re crying, Monica?”

  “I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “Why?”

  “I was just sitting here thinking about Eric…I want to find him, Sean.”

  “Then let me help you.”

  “Finding him is not your responsibility. It’s mine. He’s my son.”

  “So what am I supposed to do? Just sit back and chill while you’re depressed?”

  “No…”

  “Then what?”

  “Just let me take care of it. Okay?”

  “But I’m offering you my help…”

  “And I’m telling you that I don’t need your help. Just give me some space.”

  “Space? Oh, so now I’m the problem?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You just said you needed space from me. What does that mean, Monica?”

  “It means I need to get my priorities straight.”

  “So Eric is your priority? What about Roman? What about your feelings for me? Or are they real feelings? Maybe you just do a really good job of pretending.”

  Sean went mute as he waited for me to respond. I just had no idea what to say. At this point, anything I said wouldn’t be good enough for him. So, I kept quiet.

  “You have nothing to say? Ah’ight, fine. But while you’re getting your priorities straight, see if you can fit me and Roman at the top of that list.” Sean hung up.

  I think I may have hurt his feelings, but I had other issues to worry about.

  I left the house in the evening. I needed to get away. Fortunately, Derrick was available to babysit Roman for me when Nikki and Mama V dropped him off. He came over to Sean’s house with Dallas around eight.

  I went out alone, trying to determine what I needed to do to fix my messed up situation. Four hours into my getaway pity party, I received a phone call from Sean. When I didn’t answer the first three calls, he called a fourth time. Five minutes later, he called again. Still, I didn’t answer. I wasn’t up for talking, especially not to him. He seemed to take everything I said personally. I’m sure he was at home wondering why I had run off, leaving Derrick there to watch Roman. Ten minutes later, I got a call from Keisha. I figured Sean must have called her looking for me.

  “Hey, Keisha.”

  “Monica, where are you, girl? I just got off the phone with Sean and he was frantic, saying you weren’t answering your cell phone and he didn’t know where you were or if you were okay. What’s going down?”

  “I just needed some time alone.”

  “Why don’t you come over so we can talk? It’s after midnight. You shouldn’t be out there by yourself this late at night.”

  “Keisha, I’m fine.”

  “Well, at least tell me where you are. Now I’m getting worried.”

  “I’m sitting in Jalisco’s with a strawberry margarita.”

  “And why aren’t you taking Sean’s calls?”

  “Because he’s putting too much pressure on me.”

  “Pressure on you to do what?”

  “I don’t know…to love him, I guess, and be a mother for Roman.”

  “Do you love him?”

  I was silent. Maybe I was starting to fall for him, but I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t give my life to Sean knowing that I have another life out there I knew nothing about.

  “I think I do, but…”

  “Then why do you got that man sitting at home worried to death about you?”

  “I…I can’t fall in love with him right now. I just can’t do it. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  I sat in Jalisco’s crying and everyone sitting around me was looking at me weird like they were about to call the cops on me or something. Since when is crying in public a crime? Sheesh!

  “No, you can do it. You just don’t want to. Look, Monica. I’m going to give it to you straight. A good man is hard to find, and you have one that’s totally in love with you. Not only is he fine, he has a great career, a nice home, and a son that loves you like you were his very own mother. Just now, on the phone, Sean sounded like he was about to cry because he didn’t know where you were. Sean loves you! Go home, Monica. Please….for me.”

  I felt like Keisha was chastising me. However, she had a point and good reason to snap like that. Truth be told, there is a short supply of good, decent black men for us well-educated sisters. Most of them I know are plagued with baby momma drama, drug abuse, hustling, crime of all varieties, and just plain ignorance. And usually, the ones who had nothing going for themselves were the main ones who would try to holla. So, when a black man like Sean comes your way, you hold on for dear life.

  “Okay, Keisha, I will go home. I’m leaving right now.”

  “Good, and one more question. Are you still writing in that journal?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just don’t have the time. If I have a problem, I’ll just find other ways to deal with it. I’ll take a hot bath or something. I don’t know.”

  “Alright, girl. Well, I’ma let you go. Love you, and if you need me, you know where I am.”

  “Alright. Thanks, Keisha.”

  I took her advice and went home. I knew Sean would be upset with me, but what else is new? When I opened the front door, Sean was sitting in the recliner, while Warren and Derrick sat on the couch.

  Warren stood up. “Ay, girl. Where you been?”

  “Out for a while.”

  Sean just gave me a fierce look. Then he got up and walked out of the room. That wasn’t good. I would prefer to have him yell at me than to give me the silent treatment.

  “Sean was worried ‘bout you,” Derrick said, as he stood up to stretch.

  “He tried calling and you didn’t answer the phone,” Warren added.

  “Is it wrong for me to want to be alone every now and then?”

  “No, it isn’t, Monica, but you could have at least answered your phone. Sean was worried sick, and he usually doesn’t get like that,” Derrick said.

  Sean burst through the kitchen door, heading straight for me.

  “Where have you been?”

  “I just went out for a while.”

  “Out for a while? A while is a couple of hours or so. It’s after midnight, Monica!”

  “I lost track of time, okay? I was thinking about what I would do to find my child. What’s wrong with that?”

  “I was worried about you. I had no idea where you were! And on top of that, you can’t even answer my calls? I’m sitting here with all kind of thoughts running through my head, not knowing where you are or if you’re in trouble or sick, or if you need me…and you don’t even care how I feel, do you?” Sean’s eyes were tearing up.

  And I just cried; my face was completely wet with my own sadness. Derrick and Warren just sat there and watched.

  “Sean, let me explain. I do care about how you feel.”

  “No, you don’t, because if you did, you would’ve answered your freakin’ phone when I called you!” he yelled. “But you didn’t do that…you could have, but you didn’t. Now how am I supposed to take that, Monica?”

  In all of Sean’s ranting, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this upset. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was fed up.

  “You act as if this is such a hard decision for you. Everything is always you, you, you. Am I a priority to you? Is Roman a priority?” Sean was inches away as he stood in front of me firing off questions. His face was flushed and his lips were trembling just enough for me to notice. He was holding all of his emotions inside, and though his eyes were full of water, not one tear fell. “You know what…don’t even answer that. I know the answer already. You know how I feel about you. A blind person can see that I’m in love with you, but, for some reason, you can’t. I will not beg you to stay. I’m not going to beg for you
r attention and I will not beg to be important to you. I’ve never begged anyone for nothing and I’m surely not going to start now. So, if you don’t know if you want to stay or go, let me make the choice for you. Get your stuff…and get out of my house!”

  I couldn’t move. It took a minute for me to process what he just said. Then he threw in a few more words.

  “I guess rich guys don’t get everything they want after all.”

  I could accept the fact that he was angry with me. Yet and still, where was the respect, the compassion, and the sympathy? I got nothing from the man but the boot. So what else could I do? I went upstairs and started throwing some clothes in a suitcase while crying my eyes out. Though I knew my relationship with Sean would end eventually, I didn’t want it to end on a bad note with Roman caught in the middle.

  “You know he didn’t mean none of that,” I heard Warren say from behind me.

  “I don’t care anymore, Warren. And you shouldn’t either. I’ll be fine. Tell Roman I said bye and tell Sean that he can throw away anything I leave behind.”

  I wasn’t the type to beg for anything either. However, I did want to talk to Sean and explain my position to him. Now, it was too late for that. All negotiating was off. Sean was fed up with me and there was nothing I could do about it. He showed me that same proud attitude he exhibited when I first met him at school. But that’s okay. I will be alright. If I had nothing at all, I still had my pride and self-respect. That was more important to me than any income. Unlike other women in Milwaukee who treated Sean like a local celebrity, I wasn’t about to idolize the man just because he had a nice size bank account, drove nice cars, and lived in a house fit for a king.