American Honey

by Heidi McLaughlin

“What are you doing in here?” He’s not looking up, and I think he’s trying really hard not to.

  “Looking for you.” I say strutting toward him. I’m standing in front of him but he’s not looking so I take my shirt off leaving me in my string bikini.

  I’ve resorted to less before. I have. But I need Callan. I need him right now in this barn. Look at him! His shirt is off, he’s sweating, that hat, those jeans… damn. I’m immediately reminded of the way he rode that bull in the video and that nod…God!

  I imagine in every detail what he can do to me, the ways he can make me feel and make me forget my life in this damn place and that in a few days I want to be so far gone from here that there’s no clock that can tick fast enough. I want to leave, I have to leave but being here with Callan could make me stay. What. The. Fuck?

  “Please…” I whisper into his neck, my hands on his bare shoulders. “Please just take me.”

  He wasn’t having it and pushes himself back creating distance between us, my hands falling away. “Get the fuck off me! I can’t and you know that. You lied to me.”

  “You don’t want me?” I cross my arms, arching an eyebrow at him.

  Is he serious?

  “Jesus, Alanna, you know that’s not it.” His eyes rake over my body, and then find mine again. He’s right, that’s not it at all. By the way he’s looking at me, he’d give anything to untie these bikini strings. But then he says, a bitter tone to his voice and a cold edge that is reserved only for me right now, “I’m twenty-one. You’re seventeen. I can’t do that.”

  “You’re barely twenty-one and I’ll be eighteen in a few days.” I say trying to give him a reason. “Our age shouldn’t matter.”

  “You lied to me.” Callan repeats lifting his chin, his eyebrows knitting together, looking at me. “And, yes, it should and it does in the eyes of the law. It matters a lot.”

  “So would it have really mattered if I told you my age last night?” I taunt.

  “Yes! I wouldn’t have let you come within twenty feet of me and we certainly wouldn’t have done that.”

  “You’re lying.” He knows he is. He was drunk last night, maybe not drunk enough to allow me to do that, but I think maybe just enough that he’d make an exception.

  We stand there, our breaths heavy mingled with the comforting smell of the bales of hay when he looks at me. “I just came to pay off a debt for my dad. That’s all this should be and that’s all this is going to be.” He’s walking away from me, his boots mimicking the steady thump of my heart.

  I sit up and reach for my shirt. “That’s what you think, eight seconds.”

  Chapter Four

  I’m that girl

  When I get back to the house, dad’s at the door leaning into the frame and giving me that look. “Stay away from that boy, Alanna.”

  I don’t even bother responding or arguing. Who is he to tell me who to stay away from? If he only knew half the people I hang with, he’d have a coronary.

  When Callan ignores me Saturday night, I’m more determined than ever to find a way to get him to pay attention to me.

  I’ve got more going for me on my side than he’s willing to admit he can ignore. I’m attractive. I can say that because I’m confident enough to know I am. Also, because Jessie has on more than one occasion said if she was a lesbian, I’d be her bitch. I’m also very determined. Don’t tell me that I can’t do something because that’s the very thing I need to hear to prove your ass wrong. Tell me I won’t and I will.

  When we get to Kasey’s house on the lake, Jessie asks me how my barn encounter went.

  “Wouldn’t even look my direction.”

  “What?” Jessie looks at me as we make our way toward the party down by the lake. “Why?”

  “See…” I raise my eyebrows. “That was my response too.” I laugh lightly removing my flannel and tie it around my waist leaving me in just my bikini and shorts, the spitting image of Jessie. “I don’t get it.”

  Jessie laughs and gives my shoulder a nudge. As we walk, her wind-blown hair falls from her hat. She stops to adjust it, a flawless movement that makes her look even more amazing, and then continues to walk with me.

  “Looks like Ashley’s busy tonight.”

  My eyes follow hers to Kasey standing on the dock, drinking with Harrison. They’re sitting on the edge throwing a line in the water with empty cans surrounding them, the cans a product of a lot of fishing, not a lot of catching, and a lot of shooting the breeze happening tonight between two friends.

  Part of me wants to turn around and leave because I know where tonight’s going. He’ll want to fuck me because his precious girl’s busy. She’s still a virgin too and he keeps her that way.

  If only she knew what he was doing to her. He’s destroying her because if she ever finds out, her world is shattered. I should know, I was her once. But not anymore. I’m the complete opposite now, someone who can never go back to that “good girl” status thanks to guys like Kasey.

  We join them on the dock, for what I’m not sure other than a direct result of our complete boredom. It takes Kasey a 6-pack and two hours and he’s begging to take me upstairs. I’m not feeling it, I see through him and I don’t want it anymore.

  I shove him away and make my way to the bonfire down by the dock. I’m surprised to see Callan there with what looks to be a few friends he hasn’t seen in a while. There isn’t shit to do in this town so it’s not all that surprising to see him here, it’s the same people who congregate at these gatherings. A group of friends hoping to spark a fire somewhere, anywhere, in this town just for a few moments of excitement. It’s frustrating seeing him here though after our encounter earlier.

  Part of searching for that spark is that you can drink yourself to pieces. Even at seventeen. I should know. I try and it never works out the way I plan.

  I take a seat in a white plastic chair near the trees. On one side of the fire there’s Kasey and him sulking that I won’t scratch his itch tonight. On the other side is Callan and his buddies. He’s not even acting like I’m here, but he knows I am because I see the way his eyes shift to mine when he thinks no one is looking. Yeah, I’ve got your number bull rider. Whether he knows it or not, it’s my turn to try for that eight second ride tonight.

  There’s a girl about the same height as him standing next to him. I’m assuming it’s his sister by the way she has her arms wrapped around him.

  “You’re my favorite brother, Callan.” Dani says, clinging to his side.

  “You say that to all of us.” He says, laughing but hugging her. There’s a bond there that even a four-year absence in time isn’t breaking. He’s close with his family.

  “Yeah,” Dani smiles, blue eyes that match her brother plead with him, “but this time I mean it.”

  “Uh huh.” Callan removes his keys from his pocket. He makes her jump of few times to reach them, but eventually hands them to her. She takes them and leaves.

  Across the fire, his eyes are on mine. I feel them even when I’m not looking. When I do, his cobalt blues dip to the ground never giving me the sight I want.

  His friend beside him points to me, more than likely saying something vulgar. I can already guess what he’s saying. Callan discards whatever it is and turns away giving me a view of his back.

  Twenty minutes later, Dani’s back and hands his keys to him. In that twenty minutes I’ve stayed exactly where I was earlier, that white chair. I might not move the rest of the night. Jessie’s gone, she found someone she hadn’t seen in a long time but promised to be back in a little while. I’m not worried. She never breaks a promise.

  My eyes follow Dani as she approaches me walking around the fire and to my left. Dani and I’ve had a couple classes together, she’s the only James kid left around these parts. She doesn’t talk to many people and I can’t say I’ve ever had any interactions with her. Until now.

  She saw me watching Callan from across the fire.

  “So you’re into my brother, it app
ears.” She says, sitting down in the empty chair next to me.

  “I’m pretty transparent.” My legs are crossed and I’m leaning away from her, but I give her my attention. And the only reason I do is because she’s his sister and I kinda want to hear what she has to say.

  Dani looks at me, her eyes assessing and already judging. “I’m only telling you this because I want you to leave him alone.” It shocks me how blunt she is but I’m not surprised after being around Callan. He’s the same way. “He’s trying to keep focused and he doesn’t need someone like you around. He’s been through enough.”

  She is probably right about it, but it’s not going to stop me.

  I give her a nod, it’s not convincing her and she knows it.

  “You remember Katie Thomas, right?”

  I nod, remembering the shy girl from my freshman English class who left town abruptly right after the James’ brothers did.

  Dani sighs, then takes a drink from the plastic cup in her hands as she continues. “Well, she was raped when she was sixteen. We all knew who it was but it wasn’t like a girl like Katie would actually tell anyone who did that to her. Being the mayor’s daughter and all, she basically freaked out and blamed it on Reed and Callan who were eighteen and twenty-one at the time. She said they both raped her one night at a party. My brothers have always been trouble. But they’d never do something like that. Ever. That year was the first year Callan rode as a pro and Reed was competing for the championship. It was right before World Finals and Reed lost his championship and was suspended from competition for six months. Same with Callan. Then the little hooker comes out some six months later and said she lied, then left town, but it was too late at that point. The damage was already done.”

  “How come they haven’t been back since if everyone knows she lied?”

  Dani gives me a look, one that has me regretting the question. “Would you come back after something like that?” There’s a part of her that seems uninterested in the conversation by that point and looks as if she’s going to stand up, her hands on the arms of the chair, body leaned forward.

  “Probably not…Why is he back now?”

  “Our dad died three months ago so Callan came back to take care of selling the ranch. Apparently Red owed your dad some work so Callan’s working it off for him. He leaves Thursday and you better not get in his way.” She gives me a warning glance, judging me. “I know the way you are. Hell, everyone knows the way you are.”

  Dani gets up and leaves, never looking back at me as she heads inside the house.

  I should be mad. Look at her judging me. Sadly, she’s right. She does know how I am. I’m not the one taken to Sunday dinner and doubt I ever will be but that’s not going to stop me from pursuing Callan.

  A week. That’s all I have with him and I know this bull rider is gone forever. I’m not even sure why I’m so captivated by him. Just that I am and he’s controlling me.

  Maybe it’s because he’s not expecting anything. But I have to find out more about him. I’ve never had a man tell me no regardless of my age. Callan has become a challenge, and an addiction, that I’m not going to soon give up.

  Chapter Five

  Saturday Night Fights

  There’s something about the sunsets here that I do feel some comfort in and makes me believe that maybe if I’m here a little longer, it’s okay. The sky is painted purple and pink, pretty colors that soften my heart and soul. The party’s in full swing, red plastic cups, tailgates, smoked ribs and 6-packs. The lake is alive and savoring the last sliver of light that it can reflecting all of our hopes and dreams for the moment. Night is hanging there, ready to take over and it’s my favorite time of the day. It’s me. Stuck in between the lightness and darkness, not knowing if it’s the night relieving the day, or the day relinquishing its hold to the night. There’s no telling. There’s anticipation in it too, wondering what it will bring.

  As smoke rises from the fire, a steady pop and flicker is heard around the bonfire. I know what tonight’s bringing, or I should say what tonight is wanting. It’s beside me, whiskey breath and a rough touch brought on by liquid courage and pushing me to go upstairs with him.

  “Come on, Alanna. You know you want it.” His hand presses mine into him, groaning at my touch.

  I don’t want it. I never have. And now more than ever. It’s in the light and warmth I feel standing twenty feet away. Callan is here, watching me and this interaction with Kasey and him watching me almost makes me feel dirty, like I shouldn’t be here and I most definitely shouldn’t be letting Kasey touch me with him standing so close.

  My stomach knots when Kasey touches me because I know what he wants and I don’t want that tonight with him. Maybe never again.

  His hands move to my upper thighs as I sit down on his lap. He’s sitting on an old rusty metal tailgate, cracked and straining under the pressure of this world just like my soul.

  I’ve seen my heart break, it’s breaking every day. I’ve seen a love so strong that’s it’s nothing that sharp bend in the road can’t shatter. I don’t have that anymore. I’m holding onto moments that make me believe that it’s not worth it. There’s no love that can survive. I feel the burn of the wind in my eyes as I blink my tears away, holding onto the fact that maybe this won’t hurt forever. Of course, if anyone asks what’s wrong I’ll simply blame the watering eyes on the bonfire smoke blowing toward me but, deep down, I know that my heart’s still in such a state of flux. A state that causes me to go after the wrong me, go after the wrong sort of attention. It’s my defense mechanism that’s keeping me going. It’s all I know how to do.

  I’m never anything more than I am right now, in the arms of liars, doing things I shouldn’t and being someone I’m not. Liars who will tell me how beautiful I am, how amazing I am, how perfect I am just to satisfy their own needs. They need me for that. I’m a scratch to their itch and then forgotten until the next need arises. This hasn’t seemed to bother me until last night, until Callan James. Maybe I can’t, or don’t, want to be that girl anymore.

  I’m not these sunsets and bonfires that light a Texas night. I’m nothing like the sticky day with no relief by the night. Pouring clear liquid into mason jars, I kick back to Tim McGraw and the country beats through a blaring Chevy radio because that’s what I am.

  Kasey is cocky sometimes and it’s more of the high school football jock attitude than him being confident. He’s hot, and he knows it. But he’s got nothing on someone like Callan James. He knows this and reacts accordingly. He knows this because while he’s begging me to go to his room, my eyes are watching Callan.

  Callan’s eyes shift to Kasey, the chaos in his head so very clear. It’s easy to see Callan’s pissed by his tensed body and tightening of his jaw. There’s a condescending smirk that appears on Callan’s face, as threatening as it is promising.

  Kasey’s eyes fall on Callan and I smile. It’s a jealous stare.

  How’s it feel?

  I’m not looking for revenge. I’m looking for me and I’m never going to find that with Kasey. I may not with Callan either. But I’m feeling something for the first time. This is new to me, a re-awakening of something that’s long left me and it feels, I don’t know, it almost feels invigorating. Sitting here with Kasey wanting me, Callan staring at me, unsure of what exactly he wants but knows he can’t have, it’s got my fires going. Fires fueled by embers that were long forgotten. To go from holding the tears in a little while ago, to now this, has my brain and my heart in a tug-0f-war of emotions. At one end of the rope is Kasey, and the other end holds Callan, and I’m getting yanked and pulled around at their reactions tonight to each other. Yeah, there’s a part of me that sort of likes this feeling.

  Kasey taps my leg. “Let’s go upstairs. Or should I fuck you against the truck?”

  My eyes squint and then peer across the fire.

  Kasey sees the way Callan’s looking at me, and the way I’m looking at him and something changes in both their demeanors.
Kasey loves to taunt people. He’s always looking for a fight to prove something.

  “Alanna, get up.” Callan says, reaching for my hand. The look on his face gets me, it’s as if he wants to rescue me from myself.

  “She’s busy.” Kasey says, ignoring him.

  I don’t though. I stand from Kasey’s lap and reach for Callan.

  “What’s the matter there, James…couldn’t stay on for more than eight seconds?” Kasey asks, tipping his head toward Callan in a cocky manner.

  That didn’t get Callan to even look his direction. It’s the next remark that yanks me to his side in that tug-of-war.

  “Lookin’ for a re-ride or somethin’?”

  Callan didn’t wait. Instead he walks over, sure in what’s about to happen, turns and swings. He only gets about two swings in when the crowd pulls them apart. Kasey is spitting blood, trying to get back at Callan but he walks away reaching for a bottle of whiskey.

  I’m not sure what just happened and I’m not sure anyone else is either. All I know is that what I just witnessed was something that no guy has ever done for me before. Callan, I’m sure not wanting to but the good ol’ Southern charm of this champion bull rider, defended my honor, or what little I have left of it.

  I looked over at Kasey and shook my head at what my eyes were watching.

  “What the fuck was that about, Alanna, did you fuck him too?”

  “As if that’s any of your business, asshole. Why don’t you go back to your Virgin Mary preacher’s daughter and see if she can get you off.”

  What the hell has gotten into me? All I know is that I need to find Callan, and need to find him now.

  Chapter Six

  Midnight Kisses

  Jessie had a great plan when I called her this morning and told her what happened at the party last night. We lost track of each other and Harrison ended up giving me a ride home. I never did find Callan that night but I think that was for the better. It gave me time to put a plan together.

  Jessie said that a way to a man’s heart is food. That I was good at. Only daughter living on a farm, I knew how to cook.