American Honey

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Just as I don’t want it to end, his thrusts come a little faster and I know what’s coming. He’s breathing hard, chest heaving, every muscle tensed as he hovers above me. He looks at me, a quick glance, then his eyes dip low. He slams into me two more times, his eyes falling shut. I grind my hips into his hoping what he’s feeling is just as intense as what he made me feel.

  As I watch him, there’s a broken part of me and it’s bleeding into him, a whisper away from dying. I know he feels it too. He’ll remember tonight. I feel it in my bones and the way he’s shaking around me. I feel like it lasts forever, or maybe it’s just me wanting it to.

  “Holy shit…” he pants, slumping forward but still supported by his shaking arms.

  “You’re welcome.” I say, my lips curving into a smile when his lips brush mine, his knuckles on my cheek. “Was it an eight second ride?”

  He laughs, his voice vibrating my entire body. “I’ll never qualify when it comes to you.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Leaving

  The sunrise dances over the flat lands, my mind doing circles with it. A dance the two know very well. As I sit there with Callan, I see just how much he has made me feel that emotion I was missing. He’s a feeling for something better.

  There isn’t a sound out there. Nothing. It was as if the world has stopped and it’s just us. This feeling, what I know, what I want to believe is this won’t ever go away. Even when he leaves, I can have this feeling because he’s given it to me.

  “Did you ever think you’d be fucking around with the farmer’s daughter?” I tease, not meaning for it to sound dirty, but it does.

  “Don’t talk that way.” His voice is harsh and I’m beginning to understand that he doesn’t like when I refer to it as fucking around. “I’m not fucking around with you.”

  Oh, damn…how do I even respond to that?

  “You sore?”

  “Not from Hammer…” I smile. “But from you?” I nod. “Yeah.”

  I don’t know too much about Callan but as we sit there, I want to know a little more despite him leaving. “What’s it like being on the pro rodeo circuit?”

  “Lots of travel and so damn hard on your body.”

  “Do you get hurt a lot?”

  He nods against my shoulder and kisses it softly. “Every time. Some aren’t as bad as others but then there’s sometimes where I’m laid up for a few weeks.”

  “Are you ever scared?”

  “No. Having confidence is key. You’re man versus beast. You gotta learn how to make moves in response to the bull and stay on. There’s always gonna be a certain amount of fear, but there’s adrenaline there too, and you gotta know that nothing you expect to happen is gonna happen.”

  I breathe in deep, fresh morning air that makes me smile. “So Reed and Ty are pro too?”

  “No, just Reed and I. Ty just turned eighteen two months ago and got his permit but once you apply for your pro card you gotta win twenty-five hundred before they’ll grant your license.”

  I feel like I’m getting to know him and it’s all so strange and different from what I’ve done in the past. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me since he’s leaving soon. Callan doesn’t seem too interested in moving either. He’s slow touching and soft breathing. A gentle kiss only to wrap his arms around me a little tighter.

  The way I feel in his arms watching that sun rise, the cool crisp morning shivering my sinning soul, it’s like never before. I feel things happening, what I’m not sure but I want to know.

  His voice comes closer at my ear. “I drew Shooter for tomorrow night in Rocksprings.”

  “Are you serious?” I twist in his arms to look at him. Shooter is the bull he rode the weekend before the World Championships and hoped to ride then, but he never drew him. Now was his chance at the rank bull no one has been able to cover.

  He nods, smiling wide, that same smile I saw the first night I met him. “I’ve been waiting a year to get another ride on him.”

  Callan stands and reaches for his jeans when he knows it’s time he needs to head out.

  He’s smiling as he looks down at his buckle. A slow blush creeps over my cheeks. I roll my eyes, smiling myself, but looking out at the dry land.

  “You aren’t coming back here again, are you? Will you remember me?” I ask propping up on my elbows.

  “I’ll remember tonight…” then he shrugs, “Well, last night I guess, huh?”

  “Yeah.” We had spent all night out here and had sex three more times. Nothing would ever compare to what I feel right now. Not even knowing he’s leaving. I will always feel this.

  He needs to get going, but I see it, he’s confused. He looks at me. “How’d you do this to me in a week?”

  “Once you get around those buckle bunnies you’ll forget.” I say, winking at him. I’m not looking for him to say anything. He doesn’t have to. I know when he leaves me this life I’ve always had will remain. And his will too. Something tells me he lives a wild life on the road.

  “You’re better than that.” He says to me, watching my face fall. He knows so much that I don’t ever have to say. “Don’t let them touch you like that. Don’t let them take something that’s not theirs. You give, you don’t take.”

  “Unless it’s a bull you’re riding. Then you take?”

  “Baby,” he grins. “Nothing’s the same when you’re on a bull. A beast decides your fate.”

  I think back to what he’s just said, before the beast decides your fate. The part about me being better than I am. I’m not sure I believe that I’m better than that. But I do like the way he cares enough to say that to me. He’s the first one who has.

  “Would it be too much…too soon…if I said I’m depressed you’re leaving?”

  He smiles, and gives my shoulder a bump with his own. “Well, I would have to say…you wouldn’t be the only one who was bucked off.”

  “So I got to you, eight seconds?”

  He laughs at my name I’ve given him. “I guess you did.”

  I kiss his t-shirt clad shoulder. Turning his head, he gives my forehead a quick brush of his lips. Then he gets up. I’m still sitting on the hay bale from last night as he stands in front of me. Dropping to his knees he pulls me to the edge of the bale and smiles, no doubt remembering last night when both our eyes flicker to that belt buckle. I’ll never see another buckle without remembering. He wants to go again, I see it but three times in one day, I know he needs to go. There’s a little spark in his eyes that tells me there’s a part that’ll be here with me long after he’s gone.

  I wonder what he’s done to me. He’s given me hope I didn’t know I had anymore. A little piece of wonder that I’m more than feeling. He’s giving me hope that I might get back that little part of my innocence that’s lying beside a white cross at a sharp bend in the road.

  Stupid cowboy.

  Sometimes I’m afraid he’s crazy but most bull riders are. They have to be to saddle up for an eight second ride on a one-ton beast. They’re definitely crazy.

  There’s courage in what he does. There’s heart in everything he says, loving with his buckle busted ways. There’s pain in his eyes and there’s glory in his mind. He’s a bull rider, bare and bloody palms, broken but believing, holding on for eight seconds.

  “You’re gonna be late.” I say pushing him away.

  He smiles but he’s stalling. He doesn’t want to leave. “I’m a bull rider. We’re always running late.”

  Callan senses my hesitation because he has it too. “Take care of yourself, Alanna. You’re a beautiful girl and you deserve better than the losers you’ve been with.”

  “I’m holding out for a hero.” I tease, running my hands over his chest. “Until the morning light…”

  He laughs shaking his head and then tips his hat up as he stands and reaches for my hand. “I ain’t no hero.”

  “Callan…” I stand with him wrapping my arms around him. Before I can say anything his arms wrap around me, his lips
brushing my temple.

  By the look on his face, he knows he’s potentially holding my heart in his hands. “I know what you’re going to say to me…” He presses a firmer kiss to my forehead and pulls away.

  “Then let me say it.”

  He doesn’t and starts to walk away. He looks back, he doesn’t want to leave. His bag hangs over his left shoulder as he adjusts it. “Nah, how about you come see me in Rocksprings and tell me then?”

  The words hang there between us, waiting and I smile.

  The rest of my summer just got a little more interesting.

  I don’t answer him but as I watch him walk away, sometimes things don’t need to be said. They only ruin the moment.

  This wasn’t our goodbye. I knew that much.

  I see it. He’s gonna break my heart and test my trust with his buckle busted ways. There’s no denying that but I bet it’ll be one hell of a ride for my bruised but believing heart.

  Once I’m inside my room, Jessie’s in there sleeping in my bed. I kick at the bed. “What are you doing in here?”

  “I came to party with you and saw you in the barn, so I came up here.” Jessie yawns and sits up, two beer cans in my bed fall to the floor. “What the hell were you doing in there?”

  “Eight seconds.”

  I can barely keep the tears from my eyes when I see his truck and that dirt cloud as it swallows him up. I want to follow him, I do.

  I’m going to. I’m eighteen now. This is my chance. This is me being me and doing something for me. Who’s to stop me?

  My phone beeps and I think it might be Callan so I look down at it. It’s Kasey and my heart hurts reading his message. Are you available tonight?

  Like I can be scheduled or something.

  Callan’s right. I’m better than this. I’m not this girl and I deserve someone to love me, or at least try to. I’ve known Callan a week. Just a week. I can’t say I love him but I’m certainly wanting to know if I can. There’s something in those eyes and that smile that make me wonder. So I’m heading to Rocksprings.

  “I’m going to Rocksprings.” I say, reaching inside my closet and throwing clothes in a bag.

  Jessie gasps knowing what happened last night. “I need details. Did you get a nod?”

  “Yes! And then he said ‘hang on, baby.’”

  Jessie’s eyes went wide, there’s no denying our excitement. “I’m coming to Rocksprings with you.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m going to find me a bull rider.”

  “He’s got two brothers.”

  “See,” Jessie stands and put her jean shorts on and reaches for her keys. “Now we’re talking.”

  To be continued…

  Megan Smith

  Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.

  Maya Angelou

  Chapter One

  Age Twelve

  ~ Rhea ~

  “Mama, what’s Tanner doin’ over there?” I ask her as I point across the yard to Tanner who is standing right where our properties meet.

  Mama lightly laughs, “I don’t know, sweetie. Maybe he’s lookin’ for something to do.”

  I reach for my glass of sweet tea and take a sip before putting it back down on the ground next to the lounge chair I’m currently sitting on. I wipe the back of my hand across my forehead, wiping away the sweat that is pouring down my face. “It’s hot.”

  Mama sits her book down on the chair where our legs just were then stands and reaches for the purple and blue inner tube that is sitting in the grass near the pool. She picks it up and throws it in the pool. Mama turns to me with a funny look on her face and walks over to where I’m sitting. “Whatcha doin’?” I ask as she reaches down and scoops me up in her arms. I start laughing and yelling, “Put me down.” But she doesn’t listen; she walks us over to the ledge of the pool and then drops me in the water.

  I land perfectly in the tube. My butt hits the water first and I scream as the cold water seeps through my clothes and meets my burning skin.

  “Mama!” I screech.

  She laughs, “You said you were hot, Rhea.”

  In the corner of my eye I see movement and before I know what’s happening I’m flipped out of the tube. I come up gasping for air and wiping the water from my eyes.

  “Tanner!” I yell. “Why’d you do that?”

  He runs a hand through his black hair and shrugs, “I was only doin’ what any friend would do.” He shrugs again. “I couldn’t help it.”

  Tanner and I have been best friends since the day I was born. We really didn’t have a choice in the matter; our parents are best friends. Tanner and I were born on the same day only three years apart. Our families, along with the Mitchell’s, do everything together. Well, we used to until the Mitchells moved to New Jersey a few years ago. Most of our summers are spent at the Mitchell’s beach house in Myrtle Beach; it’s really the only time we get to see them now. I’ve always been the only girl in our little group but now that Knox and Tanner are getting older I have a feeling that’s not always going to be the case anymore. At least I’ll have Rex to myself for a little longer since he’s a year younger than me and still in that awkward stage in life. Eleven is an awkward stage in everyone’s life but never more awkward than for boys.

  “You kids have fun. I’m fixin’ to go in the house to get dinner started.” Mama picks up her book and cup. “Be careful you two.” She calls over her shoulder as she walks away. With Tanner being fifteen now she trusts him to look out for me and make sure I don’t get hurt or into any trouble.

  “We will.” Tanner and I say at the same time.

  I’m floating on my back letting the sun warm up my body. It’s so peaceful and quiet out here. Some days I love it, others not so much. I get bored easily but thankfully Tanner’s house is right next to ours. And if I’m bored, I’m always guaranteed an interesting day next door with him.

  Watching the clouds above me I point to one. “It looks like a heart.”

  “Yeah, it does.” Tanner responds from somewhere near.

  Knowing Tanner is distracted by looking up at the sky I right myself in the water and splash him, hitting him right in the face. “Sorry, you looked hot.” I giggle. Paybacks suck sometimes.

  He wipes the water out of his eyes and smiles. Then a splashing war breaks out. Tanner picks me up and throws me into the air. I come up for air and try with all my might to push his shoulders down to dunk him but it’s no use; he’s double my size. My hand reaches out to the side of the pool, “Alright, I win.”

  Tanner flashes me his smile, letting that right dimple show, “How do you figure?”

  “Cause I said so.” I splash him once more.

  “Alright, Honey Bee, you win.” I asked him one day why he called me that, his response was I was sweet like honey but stung like a bee. Tanner goes under the water and comes up a little further away. Tanner will tell me just about anything I want to hear and I’m not about to stop him now.

  We’re swimming around just relaxing without a care in the world on this hot summer day. “So, where’s Susie at?” I ask Tanner.

  He brought a girl over to his house last week and they came over for a swim while I was on the deck reading. As soon as Dad opens the pool for the year, normally sometime in May, Tanner and I always somehow manage to end up in the pool by the end of the day. After school we did our homework first and then went for a swim. So when he showed up with Susie, I was surprised and a little hurt. Susie giggled at everything Tanner said and was batting her eyelashes every time he looked her way. Tanner caught me one time sticking my finger in my mouth and making gagging noises. He laughed but Susie didn’t find it very funny.

  Tanner goes under the water for a minute and then comes back up on the other side of me. “I don’t know.”

  “That’s nice that you don’t know where your girlfriend is.” I turn my back to him so he doesn’t see the smile that’s playing on my lips.

  Tanner grabs my arm, “She’s not my girlfriend, Rhea
.”

  I look down to where his hand is holding on to my arm. I get these butterflies in my stomach. It’s been happening more and more lately. I don’t know what it means but I can’t help these feelings, all I know is that I like it. The older Tanner gets the more handsome he becomes. His dark hair is longer than it normally is; he has the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen with the brightest green eyes. Now that he’s playing football for the high school his body is getting muscular and I see all the girls noticing him, although Tanner doesn’t act like he sees it. We used to be close in height but over the last few years he’s grown a lot and now towers over me.

  Rolling my eyes I say, “You could’ve fooled me, Tan. Why else was she over at your house, to play in the dirt with you?”

  Tanner looks down to his hand that is still holding onto my arm. He lets go but comes closer to me. “She’s just a friend who wanted to hang out.”

  I shrug and swim away. He really doesn’t notice the way the girls act around him and I’m not the one who is going to point it out to him. I like that he doesn’t see. I like that he still wants to hang out with me. I’ll admit though, I’m worried that once he notices his fan club he’ll forget all about me. I don’t fool myself into thinking that that time isn’t just around the corner though.

  I start to climb up the ladder but Tanner grabs me by the waist and pulls me back in the water. I turn in his arms and go to push him away but he grabs my hand and holds it to his chest.

  Tanner smirks and says, “When you gonna be my girl, Honey Bee?”

  My cheeks instantly flush and my body starts to shake. If Tanner notices he doesn’t say anything. “Stop messing around, Tanner.” I push a little harder on his shoulder and he falls back, letting go of me.

  Tanner starts laughing. “I’m gonna marry you someday, you wait and see.”

  I climb the ladder with the biggest smile on my face.

  Chapter Two

  ~ Age 15 ~

  Tanner